I don't even need the WHOLE groove back. Just a bit is fine.
July 18, 2012 4:41 PM Subscribe
Somehow I came out on the other end of almost 10 years of monogamous relationships with less sexual confidence than I started with. I'm starting to catch myself thinking that sex just doesn't seem worth the anxiety it produces. Help?
posted by My Famous Mistake to human relations (14 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
I'll try to keep it shortish. But yeah probably won't be too short.
The present situation and crux of the issue: I am around 30 yrs old and male. I've had several long term relationships, the last of which was by far the longest. I don't want to get too specific with the numbers of things, but the relationships I had before the last one took place when I was still Quite Young. The last one lasted from Quite Young until a few years ago.
After some slogging, which was expected, I am starting to experience some real recovery and forward motion in regards to making my life what I'd like it to be. Life experience, growing comfort with my personality, and exercise have put me in a place where I would wager I am more attractive now than I have ever been. I catch looks from women sometimes in a way I didn't before and I know from certain happenings that I am able to attract women that I find very attractive, for which I'm grateful.
But I have a massive concern that any outward appearance of confidence and experience I may project, wittingly or otherwise, is the falsest of advertising because my sexual maturity feels stunted or missing altogether. And I guess I mean specifically PIV intercourse. Kissing and foreplay generally are fine for me, I feel like I can hold up my end there.
So, yay, I'm happy with my body and looks, yay I can meet women with whom there is a mutual attraction, but oh fuck once it's on me to Do Sex With Someone it feels like trying to pilot a Harrier jet with no requisite skills. Or like that Top Gear guy posted on the blue a ways back who was allowed to try and drive a Formula One car and almost had a heart attack.
I mean, I think I'm a fairly smart guy and have probably learned to do things more difficult than fucking. But it's been a fairly long time since I've done it, and it's been a REALLY long time since I've done it inside the context of a healthy sex life. The last time I had that was the beginning part of the last, long relationship. Rather unfortunate circumstances and misunderstandings resulted in the end of happy sex time, then me being (unfairly) treated for awhile like some kind of sexual reprobate, and then ever after was made so anxious by pressure and limitations that I, without understanding why until later, basically avoided sex with the long term partner. For which I was again made to feel bad. We were totally incompatible, ultimately, and I get that now. But damage was done to an already naturally quite anxiety-ridden psyche.
So, I know myself and I know I won't be able to forgo female company for the rest of my life. How, now, do I approach women when all I can think is that when business time comes along they will see that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Even when I was getting laid I was, I see now, a passive lover due to my insecurities. I don't want to be a passive lover, and I don't want anyone to resign themselves to having a passive lover as I suspect has been the case with me before.
Specifically, any 'taking of the lead' during sex makes me feel really foolish and awkward, like a robot with overloaded circuits tottering with smoke and sparks coming out everywhere. And I know enough to know that at times you want a partner to take the lead so you can Have Stuff Done To You. I like this myself.
tl;dr: It's been nearly a decade since I had a healthy sexual experience and I want to date, have relationships, etc., but I feel at times like avoiding it because I don't want to be outed as being shitty at sex.
This is a sockpuppet.