I don't even need the WHOLE groove back. Just a bit is fine.

July 18, 2012 4:41 PM

Somehow I came out on the other end of almost 10 years of monogamous relationships with less sexual confidence than I started with. I'm starting to catch myself thinking that sex just doesn't seem worth the anxiety it produces. Help?

I'll try to keep it shortish. But yeah probably won't be too short.

The present situation and crux of the issue: I am around 30 yrs old and male. I've had several long term relationships, the last of which was by far the longest. I don't want to get too specific with the numbers of things, but the relationships I had before the last one took place when I was still Quite Young. The last one lasted from Quite Young until a few years ago.

After some slogging, which was expected, I am starting to experience some real recovery and forward motion in regards to making my life what I'd like it to be. Life experience, growing comfort with my personality, and exercise have put me in a place where I would wager I am more attractive now than I have ever been. I catch looks from women sometimes in a way I didn't before and I know from certain happenings that I am able to attract women that I find very attractive, for which I'm grateful.

But I have a massive concern that any outward appearance of confidence and experience I may project, wittingly or otherwise, is the falsest of advertising because my sexual maturity feels stunted or missing altogether. And I guess I mean specifically PIV intercourse. Kissing and foreplay generally are fine for me, I feel like I can hold up my end there.

So, yay, I'm happy with my body and looks, yay I can meet women with whom there is a mutual attraction, but oh fuck once it's on me to Do Sex With Someone it feels like trying to pilot a Harrier jet with no requisite skills. Or like that Top Gear guy posted on the blue a ways back who was allowed to try and drive a Formula One car and almost had a heart attack.

I mean, I think I'm a fairly smart guy and have probably learned to do things more difficult than fucking. But it's been a fairly long time since I've done it, and it's been a REALLY long time since I've done it inside the context of a healthy sex life. The last time I had that was the beginning part of the last, long relationship. Rather unfortunate circumstances and misunderstandings resulted in the end of happy sex time, then me being (unfairly) treated for awhile like some kind of sexual reprobate, and then ever after was made so anxious by pressure and limitations that I, without understanding why until later, basically avoided sex with the long term partner. For which I was again made to feel bad. We were totally incompatible, ultimately, and I get that now. But damage was done to an already naturally quite anxiety-ridden psyche.

So, I know myself and I know I won't be able to forgo female company for the rest of my life. How, now, do I approach women when all I can think is that when business time comes along they will see that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Even when I was getting laid I was, I see now, a passive lover due to my insecurities. I don't want to be a passive lover, and I don't want anyone to resign themselves to having a passive lover as I suspect has been the case with me before.

Specifically, any 'taking of the lead' during sex makes me feel really foolish and awkward, like a robot with overloaded circuits tottering with smoke and sparks coming out everywhere. And I know enough to know that at times you want a partner to take the lead so you can Have Stuff Done To You. I like this myself.

tl;dr: It's been nearly a decade since I had a healthy sexual experience and I want to date, have relationships, etc., but I feel at times like avoiding it because I don't want to be outed as being shitty at sex.

This is a sockpuppet.

posted by My Famous Mistake to Human Relations (14 answers total)

1. I think you might feel more confident if you spend some time learning other sensual ways of being physical with a partner. I think if you took a 6 or 8 week course of some form of Latin dance, it would ease your nerves a bit.

2. In the beginning, you might not be as nervous if it's someone you are really comfortable with. Someone who comes off as really sweet, accepting, open, non-judgmental. Maybe someone you know really well.

3. This might be a scarier option, but you could go for a really straightforward, take-charge kinda lady who will basically just tell you what she wants and what to do differently.
posted by cairdeas at 4:48 PM on July 18, 2012

If I ended up with a guy like this and he hinted at these concerns (or plainly confided them in me), I would be excited to try to provide a warm, caring, fun re-learning experience.

To me, "don't know what the fuck I'm doing" is a lot better than a person who thinks he knows everything, or a person who is so experienced and sophisticated that he is bored by inexpert offerings, or a person who isn't interested in trying. Awkward and anxious but interested can be very endearing - it's fun for me to share what I know and try to help.

But I would be confused by a person like this who didn't tell me his concerns - I would wonder if he wasn't really into me, or if we just didn't have compatible styles.

I don't know if I represent many women - "geeky and inexperienced" is more or less my type - but I exist. And I hope you find what you need!
posted by mysh at 5:03 PM on July 18, 2012 [10 favorites]

Pick a really good quality partner, and don't have sex unless you really crave it with that person. Find someone balanced and kind with a sense of humor who laughs with you and has a positive attitude. Sex is an awkward, messy business. Someone who understands that and can make the best of it will make everything much easier. It will take some practice - but practice is fun.

Be openminded and willing to try. Don't bash yourself, or apologize. Don't put pressure on yourself or your partner. Pay attention to your partner, and take direction without taking it personally. Be generous. Be clean. Be complimentary. Bring up birth control and talk about it easily.

The best experiences I have had have been with someone who was very present and good at tuning into me, and didn't make me feel like we had to follow certain sex rules, or were being graded against some sort of nebulous universal sex standard. (-1 point for bad dismount. -3 points for funny squelching sounds and laughing. Total score: 5.1.)

Someone who is cruelly critical or judgy of your sexual performance is not someone you want to be with anyway. So on the bright side - if you're feeling a little rusty, look at it as a way of separating the wheat from the chaff. Don't let this anxiety keep you from a very rich part of your life.
posted by griselda at 5:24 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

VERY broadly speaking (so broad I hesitate to say it), but there are two types of women you will encounter: women who would/will run from you as fast as possible if you told them this, and women like the above poster for whom you're their type; they like "projects". The bad part is that it's tough to sort women into these groups without knowing a lot about them. Hell, it's hard for some women to sort themselves until they're in the situation.

(Forgive me for making personal experience sound like a universal maxim.)

A lot of people don't know whether they're happier being the passive partner or the active partner. Some are happy with either. Some are never happy.

So keep trying. After a little while, tell your partners this fact about you (if they haven't already picked up on it). Or just fake it til you make it-- you may be surprised how effective this is, especially in the bedroom. Roles you take on (willingly!) for someone else may end up being roles that you enjoy A WHOLE LOT. That's the magic of reinforcement learning: an orgasm is great positive reinforcement.
posted by supercres at 5:28 PM on July 18, 2012

Foreplay. Slowly. Your average woman might just be happy if you take it slow with her and give her lots of cuddling and carressing. Meanwhile you will be taking the time to get used to touching and experimenting with her.

If you are not trying to get someone pregnant than the purpose of sex is to make two people feel good and have fun. In otherwords it is a type of play. So play.

Do you feel awkward and ill at easy if say you are given a squoosh ball to handle? Do you not know what to do with it? Squeeze it uncomfortably once or twice and put it down quickly? Or can you happily fiddle around doing tactile things? If you are so awkward kinetically that you don't know how to handle objects, then you probably want to practice with objects first before people.

Another thing you can experiment with is grooming your partner, first practicing on yourself. Use a natural bristle brush to brush her hair.With luck it will feel good to both of you. Take a course in massage if one is available. Failing that pick up a book on it and ask your partner -when you get one, if she will be willing to let you learn on her.

Ask her questions when you do have a partner and then listen closely and remember what she says. People have different erogenous zones and remembering what your partners are and finding out from her the degree of pressure and movement she likes is much more effective than having an experienced technique. Be prepared to be surprised and open minded about what zones work for her. It might be the obvious ones, but it might also be her scalp, her feet, or the small of her back.

Also consider what parts of her body are attractive to you, not just the obvious sexual ones, but for example, does your (soon to be) partner have beautiful voluptuous thighs? What about a graceful nape of the neck? What about a beautiful taper of her leg going to her knees? Is her forehead lovely? If you can appreciate this parts of the body and touch them appreciatively and explore them there is a high chance she will very much enjoy being touched by you.

Clumsy but appreciative is flattering. Appreciative trumps clumsy. Clumsy but considerate is wonderful. Considerate trumps clumsy.

Can you dance or move rhythmically at all and get into the movement? If you are comfortable with this idea, think of your hands as dancing. You will be using repetitive patterns and yet bringing in variations. Think of your spine and torso as dancing as you use your mouth and your lips. Be aware that there are many ways to touch a person that feels really good. A great many people really enjoy having the front of their body pressed up firmly against the front of another person whom they love/like/are comfortable with.

If you ask her what she likes and then go ahead and do what she says you will come across as caring about how good the sex is for her not as dumb and uncertain.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:38 PM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

So my own take on this is that someone who recognizes that they're out of practice is an infinitely better partner than someone who thinks he is King Sex God and does his whole shtick the way he thinks is perfect, regardless of whether it's doing anything for me or not.

I think many people feel the same way.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:39 PM on July 18, 2012 [4 favorites]

From a MeFite who would prefer to remain anonymous:

Well, I can relate to most of what you're up against.

I'm 33, male, was 12 years in a monogamous relationship, followed by 18 months of fairly deliberate celibacy during which I was trying to work out what the fucking hell I was doing with my life.

Six months ago I met a rather amazing woman. We hit it off pretty quick-smart and before you know it we have no clothes on and are attempting to do the obvious. It turns out though, that if you are naturally a fairly nervous person, go through a very long period of monogamy, followed by a hugely ugly breakup and then celibacy, you can end up with some embarrassing performance issues in bed.

That took me by surprise as much as it did her. Makes sense looking back on it but it caused me a whole lot of awkwardness and worry. Which of course didn't help.

It turned out though, that my new partner couldn't have cared less. We have taken time so I can chill out and re-learn how to make love again. All it took was a whole bunch of honesty, acceptance and time. I will add though that it has taken most of the past six months for me to start to be really comfortable again.

I am not her project, nor did she run. It's just that our relationship is bigger than how we function in bed (important as that is) and we can afford the time and space to learn how to make that work.

With time you will sort it out. Don't be afraid of what your partner thinks.

Anonymous, because, well, you know...

posted by jessamyn at 5:52 PM on July 18, 2012 [4 favorites]

Relax.

1) Nobody knows what the fuck they're doing, and they don't really expect you to, either (beyond the basic mechanics). Nobody has got it all figured out, and I'd venture a guess that almost all people you end up meeting (yes, you WILL meet people!) will have insecurities resembling your own.

2) There isn't one right way to do sex, except for what works for you and your partner. Communication is key! If your partner gets hung up on what you're doing or the way you're doing it, even after you've talked it over, run in the opposite direction, and don't look back. They're not for you.

3) With point #2 in mind, one thing I think you should realize is that you absolutely do have the right to be picky about who you choose to have sex with. Don't date people who are shit. Don't date people who make you feel like shit just because of who you are. That's not how a healthy sexual relationship works. At all.
posted by un petit cadeau at 5:58 PM on July 18, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm in my 40s and dating guys in late 40s to mid 50s with a range of backgrounds (very late starter, post 20 year monogamous, studly surfer). When things don't go smoothly, and we lie together cuddling, I find it sweet and bonding when we together accept and acknowledge that the concept of smooth and skilful sex is a ridiculous idea. Erections are not guaranteed, nor is penetration or orgasm and that is perfectly fine with me. I feel that my own inadequacies (real or perceived) will be accepted and even appreciated. I may have fantasies that I will be the (matronly??!) sexual siren that will become a favourite memory but I have no desire to make him a project or pressure him to perform.

Finally, as a survivor of 20 years of monogamy, I believe it's adversity and partnered struggles that builds relationships rather than immediate success.

Oh and studly surfer guy who knew what he was doing- this event did not become a favourite memory. He played me like a violin, but there was such a feeling of shallowness, and non-connection - I would much rather learn with someone than be a pupil.

In short, find a woman like me, and build your confidence and experiences together.
posted by b33j at 6:05 PM on July 18, 2012 [4 favorites]

Plenty of women will find this appealing if you're honest and vulnerable about it, and focus on relaxation, comfort, contact and very gradual escalation. And you probably should be honest; your body won't play along with faking.
posted by ead at 6:19 PM on July 18, 2012

Number one (and really, this is also numbers two, three, four, and five) is that if something is making you unhappy and/or worried, that is all the justification you need to go and chat with a therapist. In my experience, men don't talk much about therapy/counseling, but every so often it gets mentioned and I'd have to say that at least half of the men I know have at least gone and talked with someone a few times. How to find a good person to talk to is an AskMe in its own right, and can be really hard, maybe especially if you are needing to talk about sexual worries. But it can be done, and is very much worth the time and trouble.

That said, what you are describing is not all that unusual for people coming out of long-term relationships that end slowly and badly. The first woman I was with after my first long relationship ended, I was all ready to go... and then I totally wasn't ready to go, if you know what I mean, and I'm sitting there all WTF? and feeling bad, and thank God she was cool with it and didn't make me feel worse than I was already feeling.

The point being, this is super, super, 1000 percent normal, and the solution is pretty much what people have already suggested -- time, finding a patient and loving person to relearn things with, and getting to a happier place in your head.

I'd think of this as a basic muscle memory problem. Anything else physical in your life needs practice to be good at, right? You wouldn't expect to go buy your first pair of rock climbing shoes and immediately free-climb El Capitan, would you? Or to drive stick perfectly on your first try? Build on what works, rather than focusing on what isn't working.

Lastly, be honest with yourself about whether one-night stands are your thing or whether you are a long-term kind of guy. Some people can do both, and some people can really only do one. Don't try to fit yourself into a something that isn't you, you know? But equally, don't write off something without trying it -- in some ways, you are getting a chance to restart and relearn what works, and being open to new things is what is going to help make it work.
posted by Forktine at 7:56 PM on July 18, 2012

I don't want to be a passive lover, and I don't want anyone to resign themselves to having a passive lover as I suspect has been the case with me before.

Really? Some women LOVE passive men! We don't really feel resigned to anything - we say bring it on! Some of us hate aggressive men - you just have to meet one of us and you're set!

Specifically, any 'taking of the lead' during sex makes me feel really foolish and awkward, like a robot with overloaded circuits tottering with smoke and sparks coming out everywhere.

Yep - rethink it - you just need a sexually aggressive woman to take the angst out of it - at least at the beginning.

because my sexual maturity feels stunted or missing altogether

Tell your brain to STFU and think of what could be - that's where the awesomeness lies.

Tips for good sex - fun + communication + being prepared. Out of everything, the last one is really important. You both have to be on the same page and no drinking to calm the nerves - the penis does not handle booze well.

In your case, find a sexually aggressive woman - treat her like a goddess, and you'll be in heaven in no time. And if women are reading you as being more experienced than you are, just tell them you're not. If they're morons, this will be an issue, but if they're decent they'll work with you, not against you.

And keep in mind that everyone feels insecure about something during sex - absolutely everyone.
posted by heyjude at 9:33 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I haven't marked any favorite answers because I feel weird about marking ALL the answers, otherwise.

I have been thinking about asking this askme for a LONG time and I was nervous about it, but ya'lls warmth and compassion have bowled me over. Thank you very much, with an incognito nod to Cpt. Anonymous.

I am in therapy, and I take it seriously and it helps a lot. I really like my therapist but I don't know if I wanted to get into this particular conversation and the necessary details. And anyway this has been helpful in a way that one solitary human cannot be.
posted by My Famous Mistake at 9:40 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

Just came in to add - you know how you hear people say "Oh straight women have all these body hangups cos they don't see other women naked, but straight men see lots of women naked in real life so they know that not all boobs are symmetrical, not all female tummies are flat, some women have stretchmarks etc so they don't expect flawless bodies" - it's kind of the same here. Straight guys don't see their friends (or people in pornos) having trouble staying hard or fumbling awkwardly or cumming too quickly, so they imagine that if these things ever happen they might be inherently and eternally Bad At Sex, but women who have sex with men see this stuff all the time and know it's just one of those things that can happen to anyone sometimes and it's not a big deal. If you read back over the "What makes someone good at sex?" (Sorry, on my phone so can't link) thread, most people agreed that a good lover is attentive to the spoken requests and physical responses of their partner, and you don't need "moves" or tonnes of experience to do that
posted by lifethatihavenotlivedyet at 7:43 AM on July 19, 2012 [5 favorites]