How to choose between waiting and moving on?
July 18, 2012 1:18 AM Subscribe
At the moment, I find myself waiting for a friend to grow healthier (both emotionally and physically) on the off-chance that this growth will allow our friendship to turn romantic further on. Should I simply resign myself to friendship alone (do my level best to date other people, cement myself in her friend zone), or is there some long-term logic to what feels, right now, like madness?
I'm sorry this is so long; I suppose it's a marker of how on-edge I've been lately...
Over the past six months, I've found myself in an increasingly close friendship with someone I initially had a crush on from afar. Our friendship developed through a short series of work-related interactions, and my crush, though secretly raging when we first started spending time together, faded shortly after I discovered she had a girlfriend. That is to say: I gradually acknowledged the unrequited nature of my feelings once it was clear her relationship, though deeply troubled, was something she hoped very much to mend. Both she and her girlfriend had taken major steps to become healthier people (variously, through quitting addictive substances, enrolling in therapy, and taking psychiatric medication), and because my affection for her, even at that earlier point in our friendship, was entirely separable from my desire to be with her romantically, I came to accept, and even embrace, my role as a supportive, platonic friend. I gave her advice on how to be a healthier partner, I cheered her on in her endeavors, and upon meeting her girlfriend, whom I liked immediately, I found it even easier to be encouraging of their relationship. I turned my mind to dating other people, enjoying my sprawling, but thoroughly fulfilling, social life, and being grateful for her friendship, such as it was.
Recently, however, things have gotten really complicated, and my emotions have started to spiral more or less wildly out of control. At the root of the trouble is that our hang-outs have always been a bit more like dates than seems defensible—most of the time I spend with friends consists of group gatherings or coffee/work sessions, but my time with her generally amounts to long day-trips (beaches, touristy attractions, museums) and dinners/movies/shows. Our friendship exists in a vacuum, and though at first I thought this would change over time, it simply hasn't. After meeting her girlfriend, I started to ask if her girlfriend might like to come along for some of our activities in an effort to be clear about my strictly platonic intentions, but the happy group dynamic I envisioned never materialized. Our friendship remained exclusive (even as she began to feel more comfortable speaking of her girlfriend as a beloved, and likely permanent, partner), and now that her girlfriend is out of town (for work), our hang-outs have more than doubled.
We now see each other almost every other day (kind of remarkable given that there is no reason why our paths would cross otherwise), and almost always for something more involved (read: fun and time-consuming) than a simple friend lunch or work session. This could in large part be because she's the sort of person who loves to fill her life with colorful activities, and because I'm a good second-choice activity partner in her girlfriend's absence, but to make matters worse, she and her girlfriend have not handled the long distance well and are now on the verge of a break-up. The not-unpredictable (though perhaps no less regrettable) result of all this, and hence the reason for my (admittedly melodramatic, if no less desperate) question, is that my desire to be with her has reemerged in full force. And if at some point that desire was naïve—based largely in my physical attraction to her and a general sense of her personality—it has since found hefty strongholds in nearly every aspect of how we are with one another.
Though both of us are pretty strongly averse to using the other as an unrestricted sounding board (so: no late-night phone calls, no hours spent gchatting, no heartfelt crying sessions where we process our emotions at their most ugly and raw), we do talk frankly and fairly about our feelings, and freely admit our vulnerabilities. Emotionally, we're very similar, and approach each other out of an empathy that feels, more often than not, extreme. It seems undeniable that we've been good for each other—that we're able to treat each other exceedingly well, perhaps even better than we treat other people, and that the time we spend together is reliably free (/freeing) of the stressors that haunt other aspects of our lives. We have eerily similar visions of, and wishes for, the future (both practical—what sort of house, what sort of neighborhood, what part of the country—and fantastic), and our personalities/lifestyles (diets, conversation interests, aesthetic tastes, politics) are closely aligned as well. I've never been able to see myself so clearly moving through life with someone; it's terrifying how vivid the future seems—how crisp and livable—when I think about the spaces we might occupy together. I know this is precisely the sort of wishful imagination that fuels blindness and confusion, but it's also the sort of wishful imagination our hang-outs seem destined, however unwittingly, to encourage.
After hearing her side of the (should she break-up) story at some length, and despite my natural reserve and studied objectivity (leaning, in fact, toward subjectivity in favor of their relationship), I am now quite convinced the break-up would be right (healthy, emotionally responsible) for both of them. I've resisted this conclusion as mightily as a can, because I know how impossible it is to separate my own sense of our rightness for each other—and, more crucially, my love for her, which makes me bristle at the thought of her being ill-treated—from any judgment I might make, but, as she herself has stated, it's absolutely apparent to everyone else whose opinion she values that her relationship has turned truly toxic. She is understandably reluctant to pull the trigger, and, acutely aware of the stickiness of my situation, I have refrained from urging her in one direction or the other, but it's now nearly impossible for me, at least internally, to resist speculating on the possibility of, well, becoming a possibility for her. She's terrified of being alone, and it's so tempting to think a few words from me might be all it takes to soothe that fear (in both our hearts) and allow her to take a necessary step away from something damaging.
But the truth is, neither one of us is at our healthiest right now, and even if she did reciprocate my feelings, I'd want us to keep friend-dating for a while longer as we figure our pieces. I have this unshakeable feeling that we could grow, over the next few years, into exactly the people we each want and need, romantically, and that all it would take is mutual reassurance and support without the pressure of being everything to each other immediately. Unfortunately, though not unsurprisingly, the other truth is that I have no way of knowing how she feels about me—especially, whether or not she is, or could ever be, physically attracted to me. We're both objectively attractive (arguably even very attractive) people, but clearly that has little bearing on how a person feels. She keeps her cards, in this respect, obsessively close to her chest (never saying anything that explicitly pushes me away as an option for her, but not shutting down other general, or contradictory, options either) and I do too. We keep our hands to ourselves, we tease but don't flirt, we're not clingy or needy, and never seem to need to see one another, though I suppose, on some level, we do.
Everything feels urgent right now because I'm terrified she won't be able to break off her current relationship without the security of knowing there is a relationship waiting for her on the other side, and I feel strongly enough about her that I know I could commit to her in an instant, but I also know that saying something while she's vulnerable could not only lead her to make rash decisions that aren't grounded in true depth of emotion, but potentially (and much worse) destroy one of the best and most rewarding friendships of my present life. I love her too much to want to be a source of stress or anxiety for her, and you might say I need her too much to want to risk what we've built together, strictly platonic as it is (and might indefinitely be). So. I suppose my question is less about how to choose between a) quietly waiting for some future point at which things might be more right for us, and b) simply moving on, than about whether or when to reverse the choice I've made (waiting, working on my own growth, but keeping myself romantically tuned to the possibility of her alone).
I have already, in my fear and timidity and reluctance to be a point of ambiguity in, or accessory to, a break-up, somewhat taken myself off the table as a non-platonic option, but the thought of reinforcing this more firmly makes me so sad (and a bit ill). I know I would go to the ends of the earth to support her happiness with someone else if that is what she wants, and what feels healthy for her, but the petulant, wishful child in me can't help holding out hope that my sense of our near-future compatibility (i.e. our present compatibility buoyed by a bit more health and wisdom) is right, and that, secretly, perhaps unwittingly, she senses it too.
Apologies again for the length of this, and thanks so much for your thoughts.
I'm sorry this is so long; I suppose it's a marker of how on-edge I've been lately...
Over the past six months, I've found myself in an increasingly close friendship with someone I initially had a crush on from afar. Our friendship developed through a short series of work-related interactions, and my crush, though secretly raging when we first started spending time together, faded shortly after I discovered she had a girlfriend. That is to say: I gradually acknowledged the unrequited nature of my feelings once it was clear her relationship, though deeply troubled, was something she hoped very much to mend. Both she and her girlfriend had taken major steps to become healthier people (variously, through quitting addictive substances, enrolling in therapy, and taking psychiatric medication), and because my affection for her, even at that earlier point in our friendship, was entirely separable from my desire to be with her romantically, I came to accept, and even embrace, my role as a supportive, platonic friend. I gave her advice on how to be a healthier partner, I cheered her on in her endeavors, and upon meeting her girlfriend, whom I liked immediately, I found it even easier to be encouraging of their relationship. I turned my mind to dating other people, enjoying my sprawling, but thoroughly fulfilling, social life, and being grateful for her friendship, such as it was.
Recently, however, things have gotten really complicated, and my emotions have started to spiral more or less wildly out of control. At the root of the trouble is that our hang-outs have always been a bit more like dates than seems defensible—most of the time I spend with friends consists of group gatherings or coffee/work sessions, but my time with her generally amounts to long day-trips (beaches, touristy attractions, museums) and dinners/movies/shows. Our friendship exists in a vacuum, and though at first I thought this would change over time, it simply hasn't. After meeting her girlfriend, I started to ask if her girlfriend might like to come along for some of our activities in an effort to be clear about my strictly platonic intentions, but the happy group dynamic I envisioned never materialized. Our friendship remained exclusive (even as she began to feel more comfortable speaking of her girlfriend as a beloved, and likely permanent, partner), and now that her girlfriend is out of town (for work), our hang-outs have more than doubled.
We now see each other almost every other day (kind of remarkable given that there is no reason why our paths would cross otherwise), and almost always for something more involved (read: fun and time-consuming) than a simple friend lunch or work session. This could in large part be because she's the sort of person who loves to fill her life with colorful activities, and because I'm a good second-choice activity partner in her girlfriend's absence, but to make matters worse, she and her girlfriend have not handled the long distance well and are now on the verge of a break-up. The not-unpredictable (though perhaps no less regrettable) result of all this, and hence the reason for my (admittedly melodramatic, if no less desperate) question, is that my desire to be with her has reemerged in full force. And if at some point that desire was naïve—based largely in my physical attraction to her and a general sense of her personality—it has since found hefty strongholds in nearly every aspect of how we are with one another.
Though both of us are pretty strongly averse to using the other as an unrestricted sounding board (so: no late-night phone calls, no hours spent gchatting, no heartfelt crying sessions where we process our emotions at their most ugly and raw), we do talk frankly and fairly about our feelings, and freely admit our vulnerabilities. Emotionally, we're very similar, and approach each other out of an empathy that feels, more often than not, extreme. It seems undeniable that we've been good for each other—that we're able to treat each other exceedingly well, perhaps even better than we treat other people, and that the time we spend together is reliably free (/freeing) of the stressors that haunt other aspects of our lives. We have eerily similar visions of, and wishes for, the future (both practical—what sort of house, what sort of neighborhood, what part of the country—and fantastic), and our personalities/lifestyles (diets, conversation interests, aesthetic tastes, politics) are closely aligned as well. I've never been able to see myself so clearly moving through life with someone; it's terrifying how vivid the future seems—how crisp and livable—when I think about the spaces we might occupy together. I know this is precisely the sort of wishful imagination that fuels blindness and confusion, but it's also the sort of wishful imagination our hang-outs seem destined, however unwittingly, to encourage.
After hearing her side of the (should she break-up) story at some length, and despite my natural reserve and studied objectivity (leaning, in fact, toward subjectivity in favor of their relationship), I am now quite convinced the break-up would be right (healthy, emotionally responsible) for both of them. I've resisted this conclusion as mightily as a can, because I know how impossible it is to separate my own sense of our rightness for each other—and, more crucially, my love for her, which makes me bristle at the thought of her being ill-treated—from any judgment I might make, but, as she herself has stated, it's absolutely apparent to everyone else whose opinion she values that her relationship has turned truly toxic. She is understandably reluctant to pull the trigger, and, acutely aware of the stickiness of my situation, I have refrained from urging her in one direction or the other, but it's now nearly impossible for me, at least internally, to resist speculating on the possibility of, well, becoming a possibility for her. She's terrified of being alone, and it's so tempting to think a few words from me might be all it takes to soothe that fear (in both our hearts) and allow her to take a necessary step away from something damaging.
But the truth is, neither one of us is at our healthiest right now, and even if she did reciprocate my feelings, I'd want us to keep friend-dating for a while longer as we figure our pieces. I have this unshakeable feeling that we could grow, over the next few years, into exactly the people we each want and need, romantically, and that all it would take is mutual reassurance and support without the pressure of being everything to each other immediately. Unfortunately, though not unsurprisingly, the other truth is that I have no way of knowing how she feels about me—especially, whether or not she is, or could ever be, physically attracted to me. We're both objectively attractive (arguably even very attractive) people, but clearly that has little bearing on how a person feels. She keeps her cards, in this respect, obsessively close to her chest (never saying anything that explicitly pushes me away as an option for her, but not shutting down other general, or contradictory, options either) and I do too. We keep our hands to ourselves, we tease but don't flirt, we're not clingy or needy, and never seem to need to see one another, though I suppose, on some level, we do.
Everything feels urgent right now because I'm terrified she won't be able to break off her current relationship without the security of knowing there is a relationship waiting for her on the other side, and I feel strongly enough about her that I know I could commit to her in an instant, but I also know that saying something while she's vulnerable could not only lead her to make rash decisions that aren't grounded in true depth of emotion, but potentially (and much worse) destroy one of the best and most rewarding friendships of my present life. I love her too much to want to be a source of stress or anxiety for her, and you might say I need her too much to want to risk what we've built together, strictly platonic as it is (and might indefinitely be). So. I suppose my question is less about how to choose between a) quietly waiting for some future point at which things might be more right for us, and b) simply moving on, than about whether or when to reverse the choice I've made (waiting, working on my own growth, but keeping myself romantically tuned to the possibility of her alone).
I have already, in my fear and timidity and reluctance to be a point of ambiguity in, or accessory to, a break-up, somewhat taken myself off the table as a non-platonic option, but the thought of reinforcing this more firmly makes me so sad (and a bit ill). I know I would go to the ends of the earth to support her happiness with someone else if that is what she wants, and what feels healthy for her, but the petulant, wishful child in me can't help holding out hope that my sense of our near-future compatibility (i.e. our present compatibility buoyed by a bit more health and wisdom) is right, and that, secretly, perhaps unwittingly, she senses it too.
Apologies again for the length of this, and thanks so much for your thoughts.
Oh buddy, I think everyone - gay, straight, boy, girl, whatever - has been where you are, when they were young and didn't know any better. Your talk of resisting is transparent and ridiculous. You are resisting nothing when you spend hours and hours with someone 1-1, whatever you're telling yourself.
Frankly, it sounds like this girl loves the ego boost your crush gives her, and is happy to keep you dangling around as a little self-esteem caffeine when she's bored, down in the dumps etc. Could this turn into something romantic? Sure. Could you end up in the same place her current girlfriend is? Totally.
There's a lot about you and your take on things her, but little about what this girl thinks. I think this reveals your lack of genuine communication about your relationship with her, and also that you may have turned her into something that doesn't completely exist in real life.
Stop spending hours with this person. A little one on one time is fine. Hours and hours every day is not fine, it's totally co-dependent, and I can't help but wonder if you are letting your other friendships and hobbies, family time etc suffer for it. That would be a mistake. Be wary of immediate intense friendships like this, and do not indulge them; they don't end well, and they typically end.
Once (if) she's broken up with her girlfriend, then you put the moves on. But for now, back off. For your sake, not hers.
posted by smoke at 1:32 AM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Frankly, it sounds like this girl loves the ego boost your crush gives her, and is happy to keep you dangling around as a little self-esteem caffeine when she's bored, down in the dumps etc. Could this turn into something romantic? Sure. Could you end up in the same place her current girlfriend is? Totally.
There's a lot about you and your take on things her, but little about what this girl thinks. I think this reveals your lack of genuine communication about your relationship with her, and also that you may have turned her into something that doesn't completely exist in real life.
Stop spending hours with this person. A little one on one time is fine. Hours and hours every day is not fine, it's totally co-dependent, and I can't help but wonder if you are letting your other friendships and hobbies, family time etc suffer for it. That would be a mistake. Be wary of immediate intense friendships like this, and do not indulge them; they don't end well, and they typically end.
Once (if) she's broken up with her girlfriend, then you put the moves on. But for now, back off. For your sake, not hers.
posted by smoke at 1:32 AM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
So, in short, you've become friends with your crush and hope (in the most purest of ways) that the difficulties with her current SO will somehow drop her in your lap.
You are over thinking this in the extreme. The biggest problem with becoming friends with the person you want to hook up with is just this: you are her friend. It's not likely that this is going to work out the way you want it to. You've friendzoned yourself.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:35 AM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
You are over thinking this in the extreme. The biggest problem with becoming friends with the person you want to hook up with is just this: you are her friend. It's not likely that this is going to work out the way you want it to. You've friendzoned yourself.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:35 AM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Have you ever seen the movie "Chasing Amy"? Because your question is eerily similar to the plot of that movie. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, I suggest renting it immediately.
But, if you choose not to take my advice on that, I would say to stay the course in terms of not expressly supporting a break-up. She has to do this on her terms and her timeline. Don't be the person who she can say pushed her into a break-up if she makes that choice and then has guilty thoughts about it later (which is everyone does at some point during the grieving process). Going from a gay relationship to a straight relationship is as big of a shake-up as the reverse dynamic.
You obviously feel very strongly for her, so give it a little more time and I think you will have the answer you need. If things don't start shaking out in your direction, then look at other options. Something will present itself. But, for right now, I would say that you are best to make peace with riding this out and being a good diplomat. Honestly, you are obviously stuck on her and you would be no good to anyone else if she is all you are thinking and dreaming of. Best wishes. I hope it works out, if indeed it is right that it should.
posted by melangell at 1:48 AM on July 18, 2012
But, if you choose not to take my advice on that, I would say to stay the course in terms of not expressly supporting a break-up. She has to do this on her terms and her timeline. Don't be the person who she can say pushed her into a break-up if she makes that choice and then has guilty thoughts about it later (which is everyone does at some point during the grieving process). Going from a gay relationship to a straight relationship is as big of a shake-up as the reverse dynamic.
You obviously feel very strongly for her, so give it a little more time and I think you will have the answer you need. If things don't start shaking out in your direction, then look at other options. Something will present itself. But, for right now, I would say that you are best to make peace with riding this out and being a good diplomat. Honestly, you are obviously stuck on her and you would be no good to anyone else if she is all you are thinking and dreaming of. Best wishes. I hope it works out, if indeed it is right that it should.
posted by melangell at 1:48 AM on July 18, 2012
Oh, I really think you need to dial it back with this girl. You could even come right out and say, "I'm crushing on you too hard to be friends with you right now." That would a) tell her you're interested in case she does decide to break up with her girlfriend and b) maybe change the dynamics of what looks like a pretty unhealthy relationship.
Between your nice-guy-friendzone business and her apparent terror of being alone, I think you are really unlikely to be healthy for each other.
Minimize your contact with her. If you work together, maybe you can't avoid her completely but that would be a good goal. This relationship is very unlikely to work out in a way that is conducive to your long-term happiness.
posted by mskyle at 3:25 AM on July 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Between your nice-guy-friendzone business and her apparent terror of being alone, I think you are really unlikely to be healthy for each other.
Minimize your contact with her. If you work together, maybe you can't avoid her completely but that would be a good goal. This relationship is very unlikely to work out in a way that is conducive to your long-term happiness.
posted by mskyle at 3:25 AM on July 18, 2012 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I know I would go to the ends of the earth to support her happiness with someone else if that is what she wants,
Now why would you do such a thing? The only person you should be going to the ends of the earth for is yourself. You have immersed yourself in this person's life-drama (not even her current drama, but various scenarios of her future as well) and are making yourself "sad and a bit ill" as a result.
Take care of yourself and let this other person take care of herself.
posted by headnsouth at 3:30 AM on July 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
Now why would you do such a thing? The only person you should be going to the ends of the earth for is yourself. You have immersed yourself in this person's life-drama (not even her current drama, but various scenarios of her future as well) and are making yourself "sad and a bit ill" as a result.
Take care of yourself and let this other person take care of herself.
posted by headnsouth at 3:30 AM on July 18, 2012 [8 favorites]
All this complication may sound good for a "how we fell in love" story, but it is wasted time and energy. Stop pining after her. Take care of yourself.
posted by discopolo at 4:57 AM on July 18, 2012
posted by discopolo at 4:57 AM on July 18, 2012
You deserve better than this girl.
Be strong and don't spend so much one on one time with her.
posted by commitment at 6:26 AM on July 18, 2012
Be strong and don't spend so much one on one time with her.
posted by commitment at 6:26 AM on July 18, 2012
You're deep in limerence. Disengage, throw yourself into work, hobbies or spend time with other people in your social circle where the focus can be taken off your crush.
If she is the type of person who wouldn't break up with her current GF unless she had, as you put it "the security of knowing there is a relationship waiting for her on the other side," then she is not the right person for you. Part of your conflict is that you want her to clearly choose you and not just as a rebound or backup if things with the current GF don't work out. And that's great. You deserve that. But you probably won't get it from her, no matter how in sync your tastes, likes, etc are.
Of the two options you seem to be considering (A: waiting for her to make up her mind, B: moving on but being available if she does decide she can be with you) I'd say those are false choices. You should move on with the knowledge that it will be ok if you can't go back to her. I guess what I'm saying is don't use other relationships as a placeholder for her. Move on and be open to the experience of truly engaging other people without the need to be available for your crush should she circle back to you.
Do not let yourself forget that she has as much agency as you here, and if she felt the attraction to you as urgently as you feel toward her, why wouldn't she act on it? She may have plenty of her own justifiable reasons for not agreeing with your opinion that the two of you would make a great couple.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:08 AM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
If she is the type of person who wouldn't break up with her current GF unless she had, as you put it "the security of knowing there is a relationship waiting for her on the other side," then she is not the right person for you. Part of your conflict is that you want her to clearly choose you and not just as a rebound or backup if things with the current GF don't work out. And that's great. You deserve that. But you probably won't get it from her, no matter how in sync your tastes, likes, etc are.
Of the two options you seem to be considering (A: waiting for her to make up her mind, B: moving on but being available if she does decide she can be with you) I'd say those are false choices. You should move on with the knowledge that it will be ok if you can't go back to her. I guess what I'm saying is don't use other relationships as a placeholder for her. Move on and be open to the experience of truly engaging other people without the need to be available for your crush should she circle back to you.
Do not let yourself forget that she has as much agency as you here, and if she felt the attraction to you as urgently as you feel toward her, why wouldn't she act on it? She may have plenty of her own justifiable reasons for not agreeing with your opinion that the two of you would make a great couple.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:08 AM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: So: You have a huge crush on a friend.
That's it. That's all. It seems more complex than that to you, because you're in the throes of the huge crush and can't be objective, but it is not more complex than that.
So here's what you need to hear. It might not be what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear:
You are being ridiculous. This whole thing is overwrought and melodramatic. You are expressing something very simple (I have a huge crush on a friend) in incredibly overcooked, back-of-hand-pressed-to-forehead terms. This is completely understandable, and like someone says above, we've all been there, but it makes it no less ridiculous. So -
ONE: You are talking about her life - her relationship with her girlfriend, her relationship with you, her emotional well-being - in terms of your desires. You're coming across like her relationship with her girlfriend is some source of huge innner turmoil and conflict to you. It's not. It's a relationship that your friend has, and it has nothing to do with you. That's kind of the tone of this whole thing. You have this huge, boiling crush and you have no idea whether or not she feels the same way. The only indication you have is that you really want her to feel the same way so you've been looking for whatever scraps of encouragement you can find. Also normal, but you need to realize it's happening.
TWO: This
THREE: A relevant part:
In short: You have a huge crush on a friend. You have no idea if she reciprocates, and the only things you have to go on are your wishful thinking and the fact that you're really good friends. I'd say the smart money is on her not reciprocating.
Even if she did, you're sitting here saying you'd be a good couple if only she changed a little. That's never, ever a good idea.
Allow yourself a little distance from her. Bury yourself in your hobbies and hang out with other friends more often than you currently are. Recognize this for what it is - a massive crush - and make sure it stays your problem and does not become hers. That is my official advice.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:30 AM on July 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
That's it. That's all. It seems more complex than that to you, because you're in the throes of the huge crush and can't be objective, but it is not more complex than that.
So here's what you need to hear. It might not be what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear:
You are being ridiculous. This whole thing is overwrought and melodramatic. You are expressing something very simple (I have a huge crush on a friend) in incredibly overcooked, back-of-hand-pressed-to-forehead terms. This is completely understandable, and like someone says above, we've all been there, but it makes it no less ridiculous. So -
ONE: You are talking about her life - her relationship with her girlfriend, her relationship with you, her emotional well-being - in terms of your desires. You're coming across like her relationship with her girlfriend is some source of huge innner turmoil and conflict to you. It's not. It's a relationship that your friend has, and it has nothing to do with you. That's kind of the tone of this whole thing. You have this huge, boiling crush and you have no idea whether or not she feels the same way. The only indication you have is that you really want her to feel the same way so you've been looking for whatever scraps of encouragement you can find. Also normal, but you need to realize it's happening.
TWO: This
Though both of us are pretty strongly averse to using the other as an unrestricted sounding board (so: no late-night phone calls, no hours spent gchatting, no heartfelt crying sessions where we process our emotions at their most ugly and raw), we do talk frankly and fairly about our feelings, and freely admit our vulnerabilities. Emotionally, we're very similar, and approach each other out of an empathy that feels, more often than not, extreme. It seems undeniable that we've been good for each other—that we're able to treat each other exceedingly well, perhaps even better than we treat other people, and that the time we spend together is reliably free (/freeing) of the stressors that haunt other aspects of our lives. We have eerily similar visions of, and wishes for, the future (both practical—what sort of house, what sort of neighborhood, what part of the country—and fantastic), and our personalities/lifestyles (diets, conversation interests, aesthetic tastes, politics) are closely aligned as well. I've never been able to see myself so clearly moving through life with someone; it's terrifying how vivid the future seems—how crisp and livable—when I think about the spaces we might occupy together. I know this is precisely the sort of wishful imagination that fuels blindness and confusion, but it's also the sort of wishful imagination our hang-outs seem destined, however unwittingly, to encourage.describes a friendship. You are friends. You are really good friends, and that is awesome, because a good friend is a great thing to have. It doesn't mean anything other than what it is.
THREE: A relevant part:
my emotions have started to spiral more or less wildly out of control.You need to recognize that this is a separate issue from whatever's going on in her life, and that it is your problem, and that it needs to stay your problem and not become hers. This is what I mean when I say you're being ridiculous. I don't doubt that this storm of emotion feels genuine to you and it's clouding your thought process, but you need to take a breath, take a step back, get a little perspective.
In short: You have a huge crush on a friend. You have no idea if she reciprocates, and the only things you have to go on are your wishful thinking and the fact that you're really good friends. I'd say the smart money is on her not reciprocating.
Even if she did, you're sitting here saying you'd be a good couple if only she changed a little. That's never, ever a good idea.
Allow yourself a little distance from her. Bury yourself in your hobbies and hang out with other friends more often than you currently are. Recognize this for what it is - a massive crush - and make sure it stays your problem and does not become hers. That is my official advice.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:30 AM on July 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
You've built up a huge drama in your head that doesn't really exist anywhere else. She's got a girlfriend. If they break up, they break up but if she was really into you, she would have broken up with the girlfriend a long time ago to pursue something.
You are convenient. She gets a friend to entertain herself and boost her ego. Trust me, she doesn't care about you beyond the way anyone cares about a friend. You need to move on. Get some other friends to fill your time. Hang out with other people at lunch. Find a new cute girl to crush on. Don't spend your life making a romance novel out of a woman who is already in a relationship. Move on. Don't you think you deserve more than being someone's backup date? And when you imagine your future, don't you want it to be with someone who values you more than that?
posted by GilvearSt at 7:32 AM on July 18, 2012
You are convenient. She gets a friend to entertain herself and boost her ego. Trust me, she doesn't care about you beyond the way anyone cares about a friend. You need to move on. Get some other friends to fill your time. Hang out with other people at lunch. Find a new cute girl to crush on. Don't spend your life making a romance novel out of a woman who is already in a relationship. Move on. Don't you think you deserve more than being someone's backup date? And when you imagine your future, don't you want it to be with someone who values you more than that?
posted by GilvearSt at 7:32 AM on July 18, 2012
"I have this unshakeable feeling that we could grow, over the next few years, into exactly the people we each want and need, romantically...
Move on. You're seriously going to wait around for years? No.
Move on, and if you need to explain that you're crushing too hard to be anything but friends with her right now, so be it. But move on.
And hey, if in the future you both happen to be single, who knows? (If that ever indeed happens.) But this is a deeply unhealthy situation for you, and as painful as it is in the short term, you're going to be much better off. Live for yourself, not for her. If she actually reciprocates some of your feelings and does something about it, that's another story.
Being someone's backup plan really, really sucks. I know. Don't do this.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:46 AM on July 18, 2012
Move on. You're seriously going to wait around for years? No.
Move on, and if you need to explain that you're crushing too hard to be anything but friends with her right now, so be it. But move on.
And hey, if in the future you both happen to be single, who knows? (If that ever indeed happens.) But this is a deeply unhealthy situation for you, and as painful as it is in the short term, you're going to be much better off. Live for yourself, not for her. If she actually reciprocates some of your feelings and does something about it, that's another story.
Being someone's backup plan really, really sucks. I know. Don't do this.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:46 AM on July 18, 2012
Might as well face it, you're addicted to crush. Also drama.
Hovering around someone in a "friend" holding pattern in the hope they'll see how amazing you are and it will be all When Harry Met Sally is just being a sucker for a toxic fantasy.
Unrequited love happens. Wallowing in unrequited love is for chumps.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:46 AM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Hovering around someone in a "friend" holding pattern in the hope they'll see how amazing you are and it will be all When Harry Met Sally is just being a sucker for a toxic fantasy.
Unrequited love happens. Wallowing in unrequited love is for chumps.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:46 AM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is required reading for all people hoping for a friend to fall in love with them.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:51 AM on July 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:51 AM on July 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Nooooooo, do not do anything! Back away! Stop spending so much one-on-one time with her ASAP! I have been this girl, in a troubled long-distance relationship and starting to crush on a close friend. I don't think she's using you or getting an ego trip from you or whatever--she's in a tough spot, and she clearly enjoys spending time with you as a friend. But if she is starting to have feelings for you at this moment in time, those feelings will always be tangled up in her relationship with her current girlfriend if anything at all happens between you two while she is still in a relationship.
If you want to do what's best for her, you should avoid making yourself a source of guilt for her. And recognize that you can't be an impartial source of friend advice for her--stop talking about her relationship yesterday. Don't mention your feelings and definitely stop spending so much time alone with her!
And if you want to do what's best for you, as you should, you should avoid getting any more attached to this person and this dramatic situation. A healthy relationship between you and this girl would only be possible after the natural end of her current relationship. You should try your very best to move on with your life. If something happens later on, great. But don't plan for it. Do what you need to do to help yourself get over these feelings about her--dating other people sounds like a great idea. Definitely don't mention your feelings and definitely stop spending so much time alone with her!
posted by snorkmaiden at 7:53 AM on July 18, 2012
If you want to do what's best for her, you should avoid making yourself a source of guilt for her. And recognize that you can't be an impartial source of friend advice for her--stop talking about her relationship yesterday. Don't mention your feelings and definitely stop spending so much time alone with her!
And if you want to do what's best for you, as you should, you should avoid getting any more attached to this person and this dramatic situation. A healthy relationship between you and this girl would only be possible after the natural end of her current relationship. You should try your very best to move on with your life. If something happens later on, great. But don't plan for it. Do what you need to do to help yourself get over these feelings about her--dating other people sounds like a great idea. Definitely don't mention your feelings and definitely stop spending so much time alone with her!
posted by snorkmaiden at 7:53 AM on July 18, 2012
Take a break from the relationship. Set a time frame of at least two weeks and simply be unavailable.
A) You have a conflict of interest. Therefore, you simply are the wrong person for her to turn to while her relationship is in trouble.
B) Sometimes affairs stabilize dysfunctional relationships. So it is possible your friendship is actually holding together an unhappy relationship.
C) It's generally a bad idea to be the person someone left someone else for. It almost never works out, plus comes with boatloads of things like guilt.
posted by Michele in California at 7:55 AM on July 18, 2012
A) You have a conflict of interest. Therefore, you simply are the wrong person for her to turn to while her relationship is in trouble.
B) Sometimes affairs stabilize dysfunctional relationships. So it is possible your friendship is actually holding together an unhappy relationship.
C) It's generally a bad idea to be the person someone left someone else for. It almost never works out, plus comes with boatloads of things like guilt.
posted by Michele in California at 7:55 AM on July 18, 2012
Best answer: You are not a consolation prize.
She disrespects you by expecting that you be on standby. She isn't setting clear boundary with you, and is likely disregarding boundary guides established between her and her partner. It may, or may not work out with her partner, but making you her emotional center is absolutely not helping matters.
She is not an achievement to unlock.
You disrespect her by not setting clear boundaries, and this extra time spent with her while her partner is gone is a big mistake. You could be part of the reason she is not investing her time and affection with her partner.
You both deserve better.
posted by dreamling at 9:15 AM on July 18, 2012
She disrespects you by expecting that you be on standby. She isn't setting clear boundary with you, and is likely disregarding boundary guides established between her and her partner. It may, or may not work out with her partner, but making you her emotional center is absolutely not helping matters.
She is not an achievement to unlock.
You disrespect her by not setting clear boundaries, and this extra time spent with her while her partner is gone is a big mistake. You could be part of the reason she is not investing her time and affection with her partner.
You both deserve better.
posted by dreamling at 9:15 AM on July 18, 2012
I don't think she is using you as an ego boost, but I think she is a friend and not more than that. You might want to extricate yourself from the friendship at the moment to give yourself time to get over your crush.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:59 AM on July 18, 2012
posted by parakeetdog at 9:59 AM on July 18, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks so much guys. I know some of you were pretty frustrated by the ultimate simplicity of my quandary, so it means all the more that you took the time to respond anyway. This was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm out of the country (away from her) for the week, at a friend's wedding, and I guess I both know it's a good time to make decisions I can act on when I get back, and was hoping (naïvely and, as many of you have said, ridiculously) not to have to. Also, I realize I didn't mention this earlier, but several of you guessed correctly anyhow. I'm a guy, and she's bi, but with a clear preference for girls, and that just makes my pining all the more wasteful and damaging. Please know I'll be taking your advice, backing away from the friendship, reinvesting in my other social spheres, and letting us both focus on ourselves, independently of one another.
posted by trainsurfing at 10:13 AM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by trainsurfing at 10:13 AM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
A few follow-up points:
I stand by the notion that you're being ridiculous, but I probably came off a little harsh, so I want to clarify that you're being the kind of ridiculous where you'll look back on this (in a year or so, maybe) with a good-natured laugh and that'll be that.
I see no reason to believe that she's using you; she's acting like someone who considers you a close friend and values that friendship immensely.
And finally: Upon a closer re-reading, let me provide some insight. Do what you want to do with it; in your current emotional state, it might go right past you, but I'm pretty confident about this.
You say this:
She keeps her cards, in this respect, obsessively close to her chest (never saying anything that explicitly pushes me away as an option for her, but not shutting down other general, or contradictory, options either) and I do too. We keep our hands to ourselves, we tease but don't flirt
She doesn't want to date you. Like millions of people who've posted to AskMe from the other side of the aisle on this situation, she hasn't explicitly told you this but she has avoided doing anything that encourages you. It would be awkward to spell it out and if she knows about it (honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew about it), she's hoping it'll go away on its own without her having to say anything. But in any event, she doesn't want to date you.
Please know I'll be taking your advice, backing away from the friendship, reinvesting in my other social spheres, and letting us both focus on ourselves, independently of one another.
Awesome. This is the best thing you could do. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:00 AM on July 18, 2012
I stand by the notion that you're being ridiculous, but I probably came off a little harsh, so I want to clarify that you're being the kind of ridiculous where you'll look back on this (in a year or so, maybe) with a good-natured laugh and that'll be that.
I see no reason to believe that she's using you; she's acting like someone who considers you a close friend and values that friendship immensely.
And finally: Upon a closer re-reading, let me provide some insight. Do what you want to do with it; in your current emotional state, it might go right past you, but I'm pretty confident about this.
You say this:
She keeps her cards, in this respect, obsessively close to her chest (never saying anything that explicitly pushes me away as an option for her, but not shutting down other general, or contradictory, options either) and I do too. We keep our hands to ourselves, we tease but don't flirt
She doesn't want to date you. Like millions of people who've posted to AskMe from the other side of the aisle on this situation, she hasn't explicitly told you this but she has avoided doing anything that encourages you. It would be awkward to spell it out and if she knows about it (honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew about it), she's hoping it'll go away on its own without her having to say anything. But in any event, she doesn't want to date you.
Please know I'll be taking your advice, backing away from the friendship, reinvesting in my other social spheres, and letting us both focus on ourselves, independently of one another.
Awesome. This is the best thing you could do. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:00 AM on July 18, 2012
I'm a guy, and she's bi, but with a clear preference for girls, and that just makes my pining all the more wasteful and damaging.
No it doesn't. Nobody's sexual orientation, or gender even, has any bearing on how much drama a situation holds. A loves B but settles for friendship, B loves C but it's a fraught relationship so B turns to A for comfort, A's hopes for romance are renewed. You are A this time around, that's all.
posted by headnsouth at 11:04 AM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
No it doesn't. Nobody's sexual orientation, or gender even, has any bearing on how much drama a situation holds. A loves B but settles for friendship, B loves C but it's a fraught relationship so B turns to A for comfort, A's hopes for romance are renewed. You are A this time around, that's all.
posted by headnsouth at 11:04 AM on July 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
So much excellent advice, I don't know how I can add anything. I am in a very similar situation and from my POV, there really are no good answers. However, my observations have been:
1. The right person for me will be ready for a relationship at the same time that I am ready.
2. Waiting for someone to get their shit together enough to be emotionally available for a friendship or relationship is time wasted on finding someone who is much better suited for me.
3. It's easy to think that a crush is a perfect person for me, if only we could get the "timing" right.
4. It's even easier to think that this crush is my "soulmate", and that I will NEVER meet anyone so special ever again.
In other words, this situation is the way it is for a reason. And that reason is.....there is someone infinitely better for me waiting just around the corner.
posted by strelitzia at 3:01 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
1. The right person for me will be ready for a relationship at the same time that I am ready.
2. Waiting for someone to get their shit together enough to be emotionally available for a friendship or relationship is time wasted on finding someone who is much better suited for me.
3. It's easy to think that a crush is a perfect person for me, if only we could get the "timing" right.
4. It's even easier to think that this crush is my "soulmate", and that I will NEVER meet anyone so special ever again.
In other words, this situation is the way it is for a reason. And that reason is.....there is someone infinitely better for me waiting just around the corner.
posted by strelitzia at 3:01 PM on July 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
From a member that would prefer to be anonymous:
Let me strip away the mystique that you've built up in your head over this - you are an ego trip to this girl, nothing more. She's in a horrible relationship with somebody who doesn't care about her and consequently it makes her feel good about herself to know that somebody else admires her so much to spend so much time and emotional effort on her. But if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you already.posted by mathowie at 2:07 PM on July 19, 2012
I was in a similar situation to you once (with a girl who was using me for an ego trip due to her crappy boyfriend). I solved the problem by explaining to her that she was worthless as a friend and that her selfishness led me to conclude she had no value for me, so I was done hanging out with her. My explanation really shook her to the core and she hated me for almost a year.
Since then, she's broken up with the boyfriend, and we're getting together next month (at her suggestion) to discuss renewing our friendship. It feels improbable that we'll end up dating, but I can absolutely guarantee you that she's never going to take my friendship for granted again, and that's a really good feeling.
I doubt that you realize now how badly this girl is using you, but when you finally figure it out, consider following my example. It worked out pretty well for me.
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At the moment, your entire field of view may be fill by this person, when the inverse does not sound to be true. She's in a great position, she has both a girlfriend and a stoic admirer. What do you have?
(And... if she leaves someone for you... who will she leave you for?)
posted by nickrussell at 1:30 AM on July 18, 2012 [4 favorites]