Makeout Romance to Friend Zone--Do I go to party now?
July 13, 2012 10:43 PM Subscribe
Should I go to a party even though I've been downgraded to "friend zone"?
Hi MeFi, I need your wisdom once again. Brevity is not one of my strength, but here goes:
Background: me: SWF/28yo, him: SWM/27yo
I met "Nick" three years ago through a friend. We immediately were attracted to each other, went on a few dates, and hung out about 8 times. NOTHING ever happened between us save for the drunk makeout session we shared the night we met. Otherwise, hugs were as physical as we got. He's a pretty shy dude, and introverted. I am typically the opposite but tend to turn into a more quiet, reserved, innocent girl-next-door type when I'm around him (which I like). Anyway, I was kind of confused by the lack of physical moving forward, but relegated our relationship to "friends", which I was ok with at the end because he was a really cool dude and fun to hang out with.
Since this was the case, I ended up dating other people, and eventually got into a two-year relationship (which just ended April 2012) with a different dude. During my relationship, two things happened: 1. I moved to Boston, 500 miles away from my home, where I'd met Nick, and 2. I didn't talk to Nick throughout my 2-year relationship with the other dude, just because our paths never crossed, save for the occasional email and Xmas card. But again, we were JUST friends, and that was ok with me. My initial attraction feelings had dissipated into happy friendly platonic-ness.
Fast forward to now: I came back home from Boston for the summer before I start grad school in the fall. I'd sent Nick a quick email saying we should grab a drink. Excited as always to hear from me, he agreed, but we ended up going to a 14-inning baseball game and then dinner...and three days after that we went on a 5 hour hike and then he made me dinner. After dinner we got to talking and he finally revealed that he's liked me since we met three years ago and constantly talked about me to friends and family. He said he was "really disappointed that nothing had ever happened between us" and would have like to date me "for a long time". Even though he had these feelings for me, he also had mentioned that he'd been in three relationships in the past two years while I'd been in my own 2-year relationship, but he still thought of me and wished we had been more than friends. I confronted him about why he had never told me this before and he said that he thought I'd put him in friend zone from the beginning. I told him I thought he'd done the same thing to me, and then we both cursed destiny, timing, and misunderstandings. He also mentioned that I "intimidate him" (I don't know if that's necessary to the story or not). Time check, this was three week ago, at then end of June 2012.
Flattered and elated by all that news, I realized that the initial feelings I'd had towards him in the beginning when we met were still there. I was still super attracted to him, and really wanted to take a next step. Anyway, we did a lot of makeout that night. Just makeout, but it was pretty awesome. I was really psyched about everything.
A week later, we hung out again for the whole day. That night, we ended up having sex which we both agreed was a result of three years of built-up attraction and tension between us (though some residual Catholic guilt built up on my part...and even though we've known each other for three years...it felt like we were moving a bit too fast). But, the sex was awesome, and kissing him was awesome, and it was just really cool that timing was really working for me this time. He said he'd miss me when I left, and I was pretty sure that this whole idyllic summer romance was in the bag.
I had to get back to Boston at the end of June for a wedding and wasn't sure when I'd end up back where Nick was but immediately noted in my head that I wanted it to be soon. Trying to play it cool, though, I didn't give him an exact date, but just said I'd let him know when I was back in town. He had invited me a party and I'd been bummed that I didn't think I could go because I'd be back in Boston. ANyway, fast forward....that party is THIS SATURDAY...so...it will be about two weeks since we had sex. During these past two weeks, I went back to Boston for the wedding, and then took a quick out-of-the-country trip. I returned to "home"/Nick without telling him I was back home, and was SUPER psyched that I could go to the party. I mean, this guy was great! We had awesome chemistry, it was great to finally be a bit more intimate with this dude I'd had SUCH a crush on, and overall he's just great to be around, so I was so excited to be able to go to this party and spend more time with him in a more social situation with his friends, etc.
I get back from out of country and text him that I'm actually home and can come to his party. After some aloof back and forth texting from him, I get this text: "I have to tell you, though, that we have to go back to friend zone. Real friend zone. I feel weird saying that." Confused, I called him for answers.
Apparently....:
The day we had sex, we'd had a really great conversation about what we'd both been up to the past two years, and I told him that I had been in a relationship, and he told me he'd been in three (didn't specify seriousness). It was a casual conversation without much substance, but it was nice to hear what he'd been up to since we'd hardly spoken since I'd moved. THREE DAYS AFTER WE'D HAD THIS CONVERSATION (and had sex), one of his fucking ex girlfriends that he'd dated 1.5-2 yeras ago got in touch with him, they had dinner, and now he didn't want to be "talking to two people at once, or messing around with two people at once". I mean, god bless the guy for his honesty but SERIOUSLY??? So...you like me for THREE YEARS, and then an ex comes prancing back into your life who you dated WHILE YOU LIKED ME and then our idyllic summer romance is back into friend zone??
I mean, granted, I know this is a little crazy thinking on my part. I mean, I live in Boston...I'll be in grad school in Boston. He lives 500 miles away from Boston. I'm not looking for a LDR and neither is he, but I thought we could at least have some more hot and heavy makeout sessions while I lived "home"/where he is for the summer! But, alas, this post isn't about whether or not I'm thinking crazy. Instead, here's my question:
So, I want to go to this party. But then I don't want to. Part of me wants to show the "I still want to be friends with you/this shit is water rolling off my back/I'm mature enough to handle this" side of me, while the other part of me doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me again. When I mentioned, very dramatically, "well, if I come to party, I guess I'll see you Saturday. If I don't come to your party...well, I don't know if I'll ever see you again in the near future...good luck with your life", he said that he was really sad that I thought about it that was and that it sounded "disastrous" the way I'd said it. I vacillate between "I can do this" and "Fuck you, man".
Time check: All of this has happened from about June 20, 2012-now, July 14, 2012.
Anyway, MeFi. I'm sorry for this stupid novel but...do I go to this party? OMG I forgot to mention!!! Ex-gf is "out of town" and therefore will NOT be at party. I won't know anyone else besides Nick and maaaaybe his roommate I met once. I'd most likely also drag my sister along if you all vote "yes! go!". Hells no would I go to this thing alone.
As always, thank you thank you thank you.
Hi MeFi, I need your wisdom once again. Brevity is not one of my strength, but here goes:
Background: me: SWF/28yo, him: SWM/27yo
I met "Nick" three years ago through a friend. We immediately were attracted to each other, went on a few dates, and hung out about 8 times. NOTHING ever happened between us save for the drunk makeout session we shared the night we met. Otherwise, hugs were as physical as we got. He's a pretty shy dude, and introverted. I am typically the opposite but tend to turn into a more quiet, reserved, innocent girl-next-door type when I'm around him (which I like). Anyway, I was kind of confused by the lack of physical moving forward, but relegated our relationship to "friends", which I was ok with at the end because he was a really cool dude and fun to hang out with.
Since this was the case, I ended up dating other people, and eventually got into a two-year relationship (which just ended April 2012) with a different dude. During my relationship, two things happened: 1. I moved to Boston, 500 miles away from my home, where I'd met Nick, and 2. I didn't talk to Nick throughout my 2-year relationship with the other dude, just because our paths never crossed, save for the occasional email and Xmas card. But again, we were JUST friends, and that was ok with me. My initial attraction feelings had dissipated into happy friendly platonic-ness.
Fast forward to now: I came back home from Boston for the summer before I start grad school in the fall. I'd sent Nick a quick email saying we should grab a drink. Excited as always to hear from me, he agreed, but we ended up going to a 14-inning baseball game and then dinner...and three days after that we went on a 5 hour hike and then he made me dinner. After dinner we got to talking and he finally revealed that he's liked me since we met three years ago and constantly talked about me to friends and family. He said he was "really disappointed that nothing had ever happened between us" and would have like to date me "for a long time". Even though he had these feelings for me, he also had mentioned that he'd been in three relationships in the past two years while I'd been in my own 2-year relationship, but he still thought of me and wished we had been more than friends. I confronted him about why he had never told me this before and he said that he thought I'd put him in friend zone from the beginning. I told him I thought he'd done the same thing to me, and then we both cursed destiny, timing, and misunderstandings. He also mentioned that I "intimidate him" (I don't know if that's necessary to the story or not). Time check, this was three week ago, at then end of June 2012.
Flattered and elated by all that news, I realized that the initial feelings I'd had towards him in the beginning when we met were still there. I was still super attracted to him, and really wanted to take a next step. Anyway, we did a lot of makeout that night. Just makeout, but it was pretty awesome. I was really psyched about everything.
A week later, we hung out again for the whole day. That night, we ended up having sex which we both agreed was a result of three years of built-up attraction and tension between us (though some residual Catholic guilt built up on my part...and even though we've known each other for three years...it felt like we were moving a bit too fast). But, the sex was awesome, and kissing him was awesome, and it was just really cool that timing was really working for me this time. He said he'd miss me when I left, and I was pretty sure that this whole idyllic summer romance was in the bag.
I had to get back to Boston at the end of June for a wedding and wasn't sure when I'd end up back where Nick was but immediately noted in my head that I wanted it to be soon. Trying to play it cool, though, I didn't give him an exact date, but just said I'd let him know when I was back in town. He had invited me a party and I'd been bummed that I didn't think I could go because I'd be back in Boston. ANyway, fast forward....that party is THIS SATURDAY...so...it will be about two weeks since we had sex. During these past two weeks, I went back to Boston for the wedding, and then took a quick out-of-the-country trip. I returned to "home"/Nick without telling him I was back home, and was SUPER psyched that I could go to the party. I mean, this guy was great! We had awesome chemistry, it was great to finally be a bit more intimate with this dude I'd had SUCH a crush on, and overall he's just great to be around, so I was so excited to be able to go to this party and spend more time with him in a more social situation with his friends, etc.
I get back from out of country and text him that I'm actually home and can come to his party. After some aloof back and forth texting from him, I get this text: "I have to tell you, though, that we have to go back to friend zone. Real friend zone. I feel weird saying that." Confused, I called him for answers.
Apparently....:
The day we had sex, we'd had a really great conversation about what we'd both been up to the past two years, and I told him that I had been in a relationship, and he told me he'd been in three (didn't specify seriousness). It was a casual conversation without much substance, but it was nice to hear what he'd been up to since we'd hardly spoken since I'd moved. THREE DAYS AFTER WE'D HAD THIS CONVERSATION (and had sex), one of his fucking ex girlfriends that he'd dated 1.5-2 yeras ago got in touch with him, they had dinner, and now he didn't want to be "talking to two people at once, or messing around with two people at once". I mean, god bless the guy for his honesty but SERIOUSLY??? So...you like me for THREE YEARS, and then an ex comes prancing back into your life who you dated WHILE YOU LIKED ME and then our idyllic summer romance is back into friend zone??
I mean, granted, I know this is a little crazy thinking on my part. I mean, I live in Boston...I'll be in grad school in Boston. He lives 500 miles away from Boston. I'm not looking for a LDR and neither is he, but I thought we could at least have some more hot and heavy makeout sessions while I lived "home"/where he is for the summer! But, alas, this post isn't about whether or not I'm thinking crazy. Instead, here's my question:
So, I want to go to this party. But then I don't want to. Part of me wants to show the "I still want to be friends with you/this shit is water rolling off my back/I'm mature enough to handle this" side of me, while the other part of me doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me again. When I mentioned, very dramatically, "well, if I come to party, I guess I'll see you Saturday. If I don't come to your party...well, I don't know if I'll ever see you again in the near future...good luck with your life", he said that he was really sad that I thought about it that was and that it sounded "disastrous" the way I'd said it. I vacillate between "I can do this" and "Fuck you, man".
Time check: All of this has happened from about June 20, 2012-now, July 14, 2012.
Anyway, MeFi. I'm sorry for this stupid novel but...do I go to this party? OMG I forgot to mention!!! Ex-gf is "out of town" and therefore will NOT be at party. I won't know anyone else besides Nick and maaaaybe his roommate I met once. I'd most likely also drag my sister along if you all vote "yes! go!". Hells no would I go to this thing alone.
As always, thank you thank you thank you.
Best answer: You sound very hurt by the whole situation. You also sound as if you feel you shouldn't be hurt, or if you're hurt it means you've lost and he's won.
It's OK to be hurt, man. You got your hopes all high for this guy and this is a big let down. It's not immature to be hurt when someone shoots you down, it's normal and human. Immaturity is trying to hide and squish your feelings while simmering in a ball of resentment and trying to figure out which action will give him the least amount of satisfaction.
You don't want to go? Then don't go. Be honest and polite: "I won't lie, I was pretty excited about our potential and the news was a come-down. I would prefer to not attend the party this weekend." And leave it at that. Going to the part sounds like it's an invite for drama and negativity, especially if there will be drinking.
He didn't do you wrong, really--you guys both sound pretty young and figuring out all the feelings and romantic stuff out. He may have crushed on you, but there's a huge difference between having a light crush and dating and loving someone for two years. And you guys never made promises. So I wouldn't hold this against him. But nevertheless it's a shitty situation, and as said, it is fine and normal for you to be hurt and fine and normal for you to not want to see him because of it.
posted by Anonymous at 10:59 PM on July 13, 2012
It's OK to be hurt, man. You got your hopes all high for this guy and this is a big let down. It's not immature to be hurt when someone shoots you down, it's normal and human. Immaturity is trying to hide and squish your feelings while simmering in a ball of resentment and trying to figure out which action will give him the least amount of satisfaction.
You don't want to go? Then don't go. Be honest and polite: "I won't lie, I was pretty excited about our potential and the news was a come-down. I would prefer to not attend the party this weekend." And leave it at that. Going to the part sounds like it's an invite for drama and negativity, especially if there will be drinking.
He didn't do you wrong, really--you guys both sound pretty young and figuring out all the feelings and romantic stuff out. He may have crushed on you, but there's a huge difference between having a light crush and dating and loving someone for two years. And you guys never made promises. So I wouldn't hold this against him. But nevertheless it's a shitty situation, and as said, it is fine and normal for you to be hurt and fine and normal for you to not want to see him because of it.
posted by Anonymous at 10:59 PM on July 13, 2012
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do not go!
This person is not an ADULT.
Sorry.
His ex GF waltzes back in, and he dropped any progress you had made together like a hot potato??
He isn't even solid "friend material." He's too conflicted and immature for you to wait on any longer.
Move ON.
BTW - that whole appearing "cool" thing? It's a bullshit construct propagated to get women to give up their better interests. You are not being "cool" by swallowing this bullshit. You'll be foolish. You Do Not Seem Foolish. Therefore, drop this guy and only recognize people who show you mutual interest and respect as attractive.
Sure he gave you a head's up - but maybe only because it would be awkward between him, you, and his returned GF. I don't even think his text was about anything but him.
Move on.
posted by jbenben at 11:04 PM on July 13, 2012 [37 favorites]
Do not go!
This person is not an ADULT.
Sorry.
His ex GF waltzes back in, and he dropped any progress you had made together like a hot potato??
He isn't even solid "friend material." He's too conflicted and immature for you to wait on any longer.
Move ON.
BTW - that whole appearing "cool" thing? It's a bullshit construct propagated to get women to give up their better interests. You are not being "cool" by swallowing this bullshit. You'll be foolish. You Do Not Seem Foolish. Therefore, drop this guy and only recognize people who show you mutual interest and respect as attractive.
Sure he gave you a head's up - but maybe only because it would be awkward between him, you, and his returned GF. I don't even think his text was about anything but him.
Move on.
posted by jbenben at 11:04 PM on July 13, 2012 [37 favorites]
It sounds like you will have a horrible time. And life is too short to have a horrible time voluntarily. So I would not go, even if you think it will salve some of your wounded dignity, it won't. It will just annoy you more. Just shrug your shoulder and go do something else fun that evening.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 11:11 PM on July 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by lesbiassparrow at 11:11 PM on July 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
I vote for skipping the party and doing something fun (and distracting) by yourself or with your sister instead. You don't need to prove anything to him, and I doubt you'll get any satisfaction out of going—at best, you'll have a so-so time; at worst you'll feel even more mixed up and disappointed after seeing him. It's easier said than done, but I would walk away from this guy and try not to give him a second thought. Trust me, I've been there and in hindsight I wish I had followed my own advice.
posted by lucysparrow at 11:17 PM on July 13, 2012
posted by lucysparrow at 11:17 PM on July 13, 2012
Only go if you think you would have a good time at the party even if he wasn't there. Otherwise you're just going to maintain the "relationship" you have with him, and that's really just going to hurt you and make him think that the way he behaved was okay with you. He needs to know that his actions have consequences and that they were painful for you. If you go to the party and act like everything's cool, he's just going to think it's okay to jerk you around.
posted by rhythm and booze at 11:25 PM on July 13, 2012
posted by rhythm and booze at 11:25 PM on July 13, 2012
Don't go. You don't need to force yourself, and you don't need to pretend you're okay.
posted by DoubleLune at 11:27 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by DoubleLune at 11:27 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
You'll have a horrible time at the party, and it sounds like the only reason you want to go is to "stand on principle" and show you're an adult. Well, I'm an adult, and if there's one thing that I've learned in my life it's that making a "stand on principle" is utterly stupid. I'm not saying he's a bad person for going back to his ex (2 years is a long time) and I will also grant that his honesty is refreshing... but nevertheless, the fact is that he treated you shabbily and therefore you need to reset your valuation of him from "prospective boyfriend, butterflies in stomach" to "I'll hang out with him only as long as he continues to amuse me." He can think whatever he wants about you - in the long run, I think you'll be happier if you don't factor his thoughts (whether positive or negative) into your decision making process.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 11:37 PM on July 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by wolfdreams01 at 11:37 PM on July 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
Don't go. I say this as a guy who's been through similar things. You will not have a good time. That is always a good reason for not going to a party. And don't let him manipulate you with this whole thing about your comments being "disastrous." Dude either doesn't know what the hell he wants in a relationship, OR he's a hardcore player. Either way, you aren't gonna get what you want out of this.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 11:37 PM on July 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by scaryblackdeath at 11:37 PM on July 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
When you put your hand on the stove and get burned, it hurts. You then pull your hand away from the stove, dress the wound, and never touch the stove again.
You don't put your hand back on the stove and hold it there to show the stove how aloof and cool you are.
Dude's a D-Nozzle, and it's only mid July, you've got hella days left for summer romance.
posted by JimmyJames at 11:40 PM on July 13, 2012 [10 favorites]
You don't put your hand back on the stove and hold it there to show the stove how aloof and cool you are.
Dude's a D-Nozzle, and it's only mid July, you've got hella days left for summer romance.
posted by JimmyJames at 11:40 PM on July 13, 2012 [10 favorites]
I mean I won't say what you "should" do because who decides that? But if it were me in your situation I'd feel like I got dropped off a bridge you know? That would hurt. So there's no way I'd have the wherewithal to go to that party.
posted by kavasa at 11:40 PM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by kavasa at 11:40 PM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Umm, actually: GO! Why? Not for him, but because, based on the novel you've written, you're already obviously caught up in this for better or worth, and as it stands, if you don't go to the party, then the last substantive image/experience you'll be left with about this guy will be that great day of fun/sex, which will likely make this storyline really tough to reach closure on, and that's a recipe for heartache over the long haul.
But if you go and see him person again now that the relationship status has changed, there's the possibility that he'll morph from "prince" to "frog" in your eyes, at least to some degree. That's not to say you'll necessarily have a good time or even be comfortable exactly, but that's kinda the point: somehow or other you need to get past the idealized version of him/this "relationship" you've been narrating before you'll be willing to let it go and move on, which, as others have indicated, is likely the sensible thing to do under the circumstances.
BTW: So far as his frustrating behavior of going right back to his ex after professing his longing for you, keep in mind that to some extent what the two you unintentionally lapsed into was a version of a long-distance relationship, insofar as neither of you experienced the other as an actual person but rather an idealized image, wherein the lack of physical presence can allow such images to expand beyond all proportion. Actual intimacy/sex, on the other hand, often has the effect of breaking through idealized images in the most jarring manner: Suddenly, you're no longer a neat, convenient, easily-controlled image, but an actual woman in all the kinds of ways that a guy who felt too nervous/insecure to express his feelings initially would likely find overwhelming and hence need to retreat from immediately.
FWIW, as I get older, I'm more adamant about people owning their feelings when it comes to attractions/relationships. That is, I no longer find it romantic or charming when someone pulls that line he did about, "oh, well, I really *did* like you for all those years, I was just too shy [read: insecure/immature] to say anything...." Alas, in my book that's bullshit, as in hardly respectful of the feelings involved, not least his. I mean, if feelings matter, they matter enough to trust/act upon, because if they don't, what you're left with is the kind of scenario you've so eloquently described, and no one deserves that.
So, yeah, umm, enjoy the party! ;-)
posted by 5Q7 at 11:50 PM on July 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
But if you go and see him person again now that the relationship status has changed, there's the possibility that he'll morph from "prince" to "frog" in your eyes, at least to some degree. That's not to say you'll necessarily have a good time or even be comfortable exactly, but that's kinda the point: somehow or other you need to get past the idealized version of him/this "relationship" you've been narrating before you'll be willing to let it go and move on, which, as others have indicated, is likely the sensible thing to do under the circumstances.
BTW: So far as his frustrating behavior of going right back to his ex after professing his longing for you, keep in mind that to some extent what the two you unintentionally lapsed into was a version of a long-distance relationship, insofar as neither of you experienced the other as an actual person but rather an idealized image, wherein the lack of physical presence can allow such images to expand beyond all proportion. Actual intimacy/sex, on the other hand, often has the effect of breaking through idealized images in the most jarring manner: Suddenly, you're no longer a neat, convenient, easily-controlled image, but an actual woman in all the kinds of ways that a guy who felt too nervous/insecure to express his feelings initially would likely find overwhelming and hence need to retreat from immediately.
FWIW, as I get older, I'm more adamant about people owning their feelings when it comes to attractions/relationships. That is, I no longer find it romantic or charming when someone pulls that line he did about, "oh, well, I really *did* like you for all those years, I was just too shy [read: insecure/immature] to say anything...." Alas, in my book that's bullshit, as in hardly respectful of the feelings involved, not least his. I mean, if feelings matter, they matter enough to trust/act upon, because if they don't, what you're left with is the kind of scenario you've so eloquently described, and no one deserves that.
So, yeah, umm, enjoy the party! ;-)
posted by 5Q7 at 11:50 PM on July 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
Funny. For me the principled stand would be not letting someone treat me the way this guy has treated you. You both expressed your mutual affection for each other and then had sex. If I were you, I would assume something of a commitment had been agreed... Then he dumped you. The principle at hand is that that is really callous, caddish behavior and people who do this kind of shit are not my friends and not in my friend circle. I'd say fuck you, we're done. And I'd tell him why - because he's douche/player.
And no, I wouldn't go to the party. Why would you waste any more time on a person like that? Move on.
posted by zia at 11:58 PM on July 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
And no, I wouldn't go to the party. Why would you waste any more time on a person like that? Move on.
posted by zia at 11:58 PM on July 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
Well, I don't think he's quite the cad many others do, but it also sounds like you should probably just skip this party. You should never go to a party to Prove a Point - parties should only be for fun.
I'm going to venture a guess, and it's more based on my own experiences than anything else, so take it with a grain of salt. But I've known a lot of guys like this dude, and I've vainly crushed on several. And I've several times "lost out" to other girls. What did those other girls have that I didn't? They were not shy about making their feelings known. They didn't play it cool.
I'd be willing to bet that the ex-gf in this case is like those girls. If you wan to be with guys like this, you have to be willing to make a lot of moves, and be pretty obvious about how you feel.
Maybe you don't want to be with guys like this, which is completely valid. I've worked on being more upfront about my feelings and not playing it so cool, but I also know that I need a guy to meet me at least halfway.
Anyway, it's ok to feel hurt and a little embarrassed. But pretty soon, you'll be going off to grad school and meeting new people, and this will just become a good learning experience in your past.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 12:21 AM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
I'm going to venture a guess, and it's more based on my own experiences than anything else, so take it with a grain of salt. But I've known a lot of guys like this dude, and I've vainly crushed on several. And I've several times "lost out" to other girls. What did those other girls have that I didn't? They were not shy about making their feelings known. They didn't play it cool.
I'd be willing to bet that the ex-gf in this case is like those girls. If you wan to be with guys like this, you have to be willing to make a lot of moves, and be pretty obvious about how you feel.
Maybe you don't want to be with guys like this, which is completely valid. I've worked on being more upfront about my feelings and not playing it so cool, but I also know that I need a guy to meet me at least halfway.
Anyway, it's ok to feel hurt and a little embarrassed. But pretty soon, you'll be going off to grad school and meeting new people, and this will just become a good learning experience in your past.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 12:21 AM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
I wouldn't go to the party. Honestly, this guy doesn't deserve to have his cake and eat it too, and you don't deserve to have your time wasted on what seems could be a horrible party anyway.
But you seem conflicted-- maybe because of all the confusion around this summer's recent events. If you're going to be bummed you didn't show up and show him that you were having a great time without his presence then by all means, go. I just don't think it's going to make you feel any better in the end and it does not, by any means, make you a worse (or childish) person for not going.
Time to move on and find someone who loves you for the person you are.
posted by camylanded at 12:21 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
But you seem conflicted-- maybe because of all the confusion around this summer's recent events. If you're going to be bummed you didn't show up and show him that you were having a great time without his presence then by all means, go. I just don't think it's going to make you feel any better in the end and it does not, by any means, make you a worse (or childish) person for not going.
Time to move on and find someone who loves you for the person you are.
posted by camylanded at 12:21 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Don't go.
Time to get mysterious. Be less available. Let that space give you both the chance to sort out your feelings.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:40 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Time to get mysterious. Be less available. Let that space give you both the chance to sort out your feelings.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:40 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
You can't lay claim to a person by having casual sex with them. I realize you're hurting here, but Nick can do whatever he likes. No promises were made. I don't even know why it's surprising that he'd choose someone he dated for two years over someone he occasionally sent Christmas cards to for the same amount of time. Isn't your permanent residence 500 miles away, anyway? This is too much drama for such a short, potential relationship, and it sounds like he wants something long-lasting, even though you think he doesn't.
Don't go to the party. You only want to see him, but he's commited to his ex-(now current?) girlfriend.
posted by plaintiff6r at 1:54 AM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Don't go to the party. You only want to see him, but he's commited to his ex-(now current?) girlfriend.
posted by plaintiff6r at 1:54 AM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: If you go to the party just to prove a point ("dude, hey, you're nice and all, but I'm not, like, torn up, get over yourself"), you might just wind up sleeping with him to prove a point ("it's not, like, we were committed, we were just having fun, and you're not yet re-committed to new/ex, so why not have some more fun?"). Possible, new/ex will not be there, right? Or maybe there's another shiny new boy there to flirt with and rub the guy's nose in...
And then you end up with even more emotions and internal conflicts to deny but then to deal with. You know, it's okay to give yourself a safety zone. It's okay to be honest with yourself and with him about your feelings. Schroedinger had the right text:
Could well be that return of new/ex blindsided the guy, and he's genuinely trying to figure things out without involving you in the confusion. Let him.
posted by likeso at 3:54 AM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
And then you end up with even more emotions and internal conflicts to deny but then to deal with. You know, it's okay to give yourself a safety zone. It's okay to be honest with yourself and with him about your feelings. Schroedinger had the right text:
You don't want to go? Then don't go. Be honest and polite: "I won't lie, I was pretty excited about our potential and the news was a come-down. I would prefer to not attend the party this weekend." And leave it at that. Going to the part sounds like it's an invite for drama and negativity, especially if there will be drinking.Honest without drama. True to yourself without elaborating. You save and salve your dignity without gameplaying, or the real danger that you start competing with yourself, him and new/ex re coolness, sexiness and dishonesty.
Could well be that return of new/ex blindsided the guy, and he's genuinely trying to figure things out without involving you in the confusion. Let him.
posted by likeso at 3:54 AM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Why would set yourself up to be treated like the second fiddle?
If you go, I don't see how that would ever help win this guy back. (I also don't see why you would want to win this guy back, but that is a different question.) If you go, you send out a message to this guy - I can be sent to the back of the bus, and I will sit there patiently waiting for you, while you drive the bus in a different direction, and if the new direction doesn't work out, then I am happy to fill-in.
If you go, and you get back with him, the dynamic of you accepting second place will dominate your relationship.
posted by Flood at 4:59 AM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you go, I don't see how that would ever help win this guy back. (I also don't see why you would want to win this guy back, but that is a different question.) If you go, you send out a message to this guy - I can be sent to the back of the bus, and I will sit there patiently waiting for you, while you drive the bus in a different direction, and if the new direction doesn't work out, then I am happy to fill-in.
If you go, and you get back with him, the dynamic of you accepting second place will dominate your relationship.
posted by Flood at 4:59 AM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Don't go - move on from him.
The timing is difficult and hurtful but some people are really attracted to what was rather than what could be, they would rather go back than forward because they are attached to memories and shared history. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just some people prefer comfort - and when it comes back, they jump at the chance to relive it.
But, I think you should go forward. That means there's no real reason to go to that party. His reasons for friend zoning you are not to do with you - they are to do with him and her. But your life needs to be about you - and not him and her.
posted by heyjude at 5:20 AM on July 14, 2012
The timing is difficult and hurtful but some people are really attracted to what was rather than what could be, they would rather go back than forward because they are attached to memories and shared history. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just some people prefer comfort - and when it comes back, they jump at the chance to relive it.
But, I think you should go forward. That means there's no real reason to go to that party. His reasons for friend zoning you are not to do with you - they are to do with him and her. But your life needs to be about you - and not him and her.
posted by heyjude at 5:20 AM on July 14, 2012
HE DUMPED YOU VIA TEXT?!?
Up his arse. I don't care if he's trying to act like a cad, or just acting like a cad.
If you don't have the theoretical right to expect better from him, he also doesn't have the right to stay friends with you. Nor to expect you to attend the party at which, curiously enough, his new GF isn't going to be present (wonder if he was planning to mess with your feelings a bit more?)
posted by tel3path at 5:35 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Up his arse. I don't care if he's trying to act like a cad, or just acting like a cad.
If you don't have the theoretical right to expect better from him, he also doesn't have the right to stay friends with you. Nor to expect you to attend the party at which, curiously enough, his new GF isn't going to be present (wonder if he was planning to mess with your feelings a bit more?)
posted by tel3path at 5:35 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
In your shoes I wouldn't go. This is so disrespectful, and the best he can do is say "I feel weird about it?" Well, let him keep feeling weird. He acted badly. This guy has had two chances to follow up on this persistent attraction and make something of it; and he's failed twice. Move on. He actually has no idea what he wants -- and he's acting like it. Consider this to be an opportunity to spare yourself a LOT more life drama.
That said, now is a good time for you to reflect on ways you can mature, communicate, and not play games. The "acting cool" part, plus the "I returned to "home"/Nick without telling him I was back home," both seem to indicate that you aren't comfortable representing your true feelings, but feel you have to hold something back and try to manipulate situations so you don't overexpose yourself. In this case, none of that really worked. Now's a good time to work on asserting your needs and expectations and not feeling shame that you have feelings and want to act on them.
posted by Miko at 6:28 AM on July 14, 2012 [12 favorites]
That said, now is a good time for you to reflect on ways you can mature, communicate, and not play games. The "acting cool" part, plus the "I returned to "home"/Nick without telling him I was back home," both seem to indicate that you aren't comfortable representing your true feelings, but feel you have to hold something back and try to manipulate situations so you don't overexpose yourself. In this case, none of that really worked. Now's a good time to work on asserting your needs and expectations and not feeling shame that you have feelings and want to act on them.
posted by Miko at 6:28 AM on July 14, 2012 [12 favorites]
I don't know what you think you're going to win by trying to engage in a battle of who could care less, but you're not. The only thing you're going to accomplish by going is causing yourself pain.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:31 AM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 6:31 AM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Don't go. But next time you like someone, rather than being submissive and falsely-shy so that you can play-act at an innocent persona, just be honest about your feelings. If I were this guy, and I'd made out with some girl known for being outgoing and fun, and she was being reticent and physically closed-off, I'd sure as hell assume she wasn't into me. It sounds like you're sending a lot of mixed messages here, and expecting him to read your mind. So score one for him--even though it's disappointing, at least he's being honest with you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:06 AM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:06 AM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
While I think you're being a little bit over the top here - that THREE DAYS paragraph doesn't peg the psycho-ex-o-meter, but it twitches the needle a little - I also think you can do a lot better than carrying a torch for somebody who'd dump you with a text message.
For what it's worth, the subtext I'm reading out of that whole friendzone, feels-a-bit-weird part is that he was actually in a relationship when you two hooked up. The woman he cheated on with you is going to be at that party, and he's trying to manage how you act around him so she doesn't figure it out.
posted by mhoye at 7:14 AM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
For what it's worth, the subtext I'm reading out of that whole friendzone, feels-a-bit-weird part is that he was actually in a relationship when you two hooked up. The woman he cheated on with you is going to be at that party, and he's trying to manage how you act around him so she doesn't figure it out.
posted by mhoye at 7:14 AM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Hey everyone, Thank you SO much for the response already. Really truly helpful. FWIW, though, he did NOT date this ex FOR 2 years...he dated her 2 years AGO. In the span from that 2 years until now, he's been in three relationships.
posted by LemonGardot at 7:30 AM on July 14, 2012
posted by LemonGardot at 7:30 AM on July 14, 2012
Best answer: Maybe I'm the only one, but I read the OP's timeline as he dated the ex-gf 1.5-2 years AGO, not FOR 2 years. Which just makes his behavior that much stranger.
I really, really get the impulse to go to the party. You tell yourself it's to prove to yourself and him you can be calm and cool but in truth there's a part of you that is hoping to get attention from him and maybe something could happen. Don't go. Trust me. But, find something else super fun and social to do tonight.
posted by misskaz at 7:31 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I really, really get the impulse to go to the party. You tell yourself it's to prove to yourself and him you can be calm and cool but in truth there's a part of you that is hoping to get attention from him and maybe something could happen. Don't go. Trust me. But, find something else super fun and social to do tonight.
posted by misskaz at 7:31 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Dear friends, Thank you so much for all of your input. I just sent a text along the lines of "hey, i was excited at the feelings we shared and so the news the other night bummed me out. I think going to your party would just add to my confusion, so I won't be coming tonight after all." To the point, honest. I know I'd be going for the wrong reasons if I did go.
Thank you for helping me see blue skies.
LG
posted by LemonGardot at 8:11 AM on July 14, 2012 [12 favorites]
Thank you for helping me see blue skies.
LG
posted by LemonGardot at 8:11 AM on July 14, 2012 [12 favorites]
Good choice. Honestly the only reason I would have gone to this party was to see if, in the absence of his "ex" gf, whether he'd be all hot and heavy flirty with you. Because, if so, he sucks. Otherwise, yeah it's just confusion, bad timing, and inept communication. Totally understand why your feelings were hurt and why you'd prefer not to go to the party. You've got a lot of summer left, best of luck putting this behind you.
posted by jessamyn at 10:11 AM on July 14, 2012
posted by jessamyn at 10:11 AM on July 14, 2012
"Nick" sounds like such a jackass. Wasn't worth your time!
posted by Jurbano at 11:05 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Jurbano at 11:05 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wow, LemonGardot, reading this was cathartic. I felt like I could have written it some time ago. Friends with guy, keep it in the platonic zone, guy says he has feelings for me, start dating guy, let myself fall for him, one night we are supposed to have an awesome date, he texts me canceling it and saying his ex is staying with him. I felt like I had been a. punched in the stomach b. tricked into having my heart broken for no reason. I was shocked at how hard it was to take and kept telling myself well it wouldn't have worked anyway and I'm cool, it's not a big deal, but inside, it hurt hurt hurt and being "cool" didn't make that go away and didn't make the time we were spending together any less uncomfortable and painful.
posted by melissam at 11:34 AM on July 14, 2012
posted by melissam at 11:34 AM on July 14, 2012
Don't go to the party. I realize that brevity isn't your strength, but if you forced yourself to summarize the details and delete the stuff that doesn't really matter you'd find it easier to see clearly.
- You both said you'd had feelings for each other for years.
- You had sex.
- Three days later, an ex GF of his came back and he dumped you.
Now you're thinking of going to a party with him even though he made it crystal clear he has no interest in dating you. Don't do it. This is only complicated if you're trying not to accept the truth, and getting buried in details makes that easier to do.
If he someday decides to patch things up with you, will he dump you again shortly after you get intimate? Or will he have just had sex with someone else and dumped HER for you? Would he dump you again when someone else comes along? Why risk it?
Don't go to the party.
posted by 2oh1 at 2:59 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
- You both said you'd had feelings for each other for years.
- You had sex.
- Three days later, an ex GF of his came back and he dumped you.
Now you're thinking of going to a party with him even though he made it crystal clear he has no interest in dating you. Don't do it. This is only complicated if you're trying not to accept the truth, and getting buried in details makes that easier to do.
If he someday decides to patch things up with you, will he dump you again shortly after you get intimate? Or will he have just had sex with someone else and dumped HER for you? Would he dump you again when someone else comes along? Why risk it?
Don't go to the party.
posted by 2oh1 at 2:59 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Be sure your sister has safe transportation available to go home without you. Or, don't take her, unless she wants to go and has her own friends to see there.
(I don't think there's anything solid here at this time, but have fun now.)
posted by caclwmr4 at 10:49 PM on July 13, 2012