How can I be more supportive of my girlfriend’s work schedule?

July 8, 2012 9:38 PM

My girlfriend works nights exclusively and I am a high school teacher with summers off. How can we make this work?

I read this thread a few weeks ago and realized that I would have to face some of these challenges in my relationship with my girlfriend (we are both in our late 20s). We’ve been dating for about two months and see one another twice a week or so.

At first we saw each other all the time, including in between her shifts, which wasn't a good idea for her sleep, but she seemed OK with it at the time.

She has since made it clear that she is not willing to change her schedule to accommodate seeing one another more often. I am a morning person, but have made the change to be closer to her sleep schedule during the summer in order to spend more time with her, but will switch back to 5:00-21:00 in the Fall when school starts. Adding to the challenge is that I am a short sleeper and can fall asleep anywhere anytime at the drop of a hat.

Given her work hours she has very particular sleep needs and often prefers that she sleep alone. She already takes melatonin, has a sleep machine/noise generator, and black-out curtains. We have only had a handful of overnights and halfway through most of those she asked me to leave or sleep on the couch.

We have sex less often and she admits that when we do she enjoys it less because of her anxiety about not getting enough sleep for work. It seems that she is in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation and she is starting to associate seeing me with not sleeping and feeling run down at work.

She has said that she has a hard time enjoying our time together, but misses me terribly when I am not around. She texts and emails me from work usually and tries to call me when she wakes up around 18:00, but sometimes is too run down or crabby to be affectionate or in the mood for my attention. (Those are her words) When we are together we like to be outside in nature in a park on a walk, hiking, or even doing yoga or pilates together. Sometimes we read together (or to one another) near our local Great Lake when it’s especially nice outside.

We have great chemistry and get along really well. We make each other laugh and appreciate one another for who we are. We often talk about our future together, but it is becoming harder and harder for me to imagine exactly what that might be if she plans on being on night shift for a while.

What can I do to be more supportive of her sleep schedule and make our time together more relaxing and enjoyable for her?

posted by vkxmai to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Best answer: What can I do to be more supportive of her sleep schedule and make our time together more relaxing and enjoyable for her?

You're already doing that by not being around her much. She's conflicted. She misses you when you're gone, but wrapped in anxiety about her sleep schedule...but she's also not willing to change her hours to see you more.

So, you aren't together as much...which suits her just fine...except for the "missing you" part.

Except...can she miss you that much if there's no compromise that she can make with you? I mean, you've upended your entire circadian rhythm to be with her...but come September, this will be, I predict, a summer fling.

She's gotta be more involved if that's not to be the fate of the plural You.

The Sun and the Moon are always chasing each other....until one of them decides they can stop.
posted by inturnaround at 9:54 PM on July 8, 2012 [5 favorites]

Aww, this really sounds like a case of bad timing (literally!) and career path mismatches. :( I don't know that you really an do anything to be more supportive since it seems like short of quitting your job as a teacher, your work scheds just aren't compatible and never really will be. It's nobody's fault, though -- just an unfortunate reality that may make it difficult for you to stay in a relationship. What are your weekends like? Why exactly can't she switch shifts?
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:03 PM on July 8, 2012

We’ve been dating for about two months and see one another twice a week or so.

We have sex less often and she admits that when we do she enjoys it less because of her anxiety about not getting enough sleep for work. It seems that she is in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation and she is starting to associate seeing me with not sleeping and feeling run down at work.
She has said that she has a hard time enjoying our time together

In such a young relationship, what is the time frame here? Since you've only been dating for two months, how recently has your sex life diminished? How about her difficulties enjoying your time together--when did that start? Unfortunately, that doesn't sound so great. Not insurmountable necessarily, but worth giving some serious thought to.

Has she come up with any suggestions for how to improve the situation? Is there an end in sight with the night shift? Does she have any control over that time frame?

It already sounds like you're doing all you can. My one suggestion would be to avoid (accidentally, I'm assuming) guilt-tripping her about this problem. (Not saying you are, but when I found myself in a similar situation, I did it without realizing.) It can only lead to resentment.

That being said, it does seem like a case of bad timing.
posted by dysh at 10:08 PM on July 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

Does she work seven days a week? Can't you save your date nights for her days off where she will have less sleep anxiety and maybe just quickly touch base at some point during the week like meeting her for a quick meal between her waking up at 18:00 and leaving for work?

You phrased it as she is unwilling to switch shifts. That sounds like resentment starting to surface. Some jobs truly do require crappy shifts, other people may have to choose the crappy shifts because the financial bonus is the only thing keeping them above water, some people can't find another job. If she does actually have a choice but chooses to stay on the night shift you do have a different problem. It sounds like she is pretty self-aware of the anxiety her shift is causing her so I just can't see an adult willingly choosing that over a healthy life on the same schedule as 75% of the world.
posted by saucysault at 10:09 PM on July 8, 2012

Best answer: I have changed careers multiple times for relationships. I have sacrificed a lot to be with women whom I have loved. I have driven 330 miles round trip monday night at 10:30 and left wednesday at 11:30AM just to spend Tuesdays with people I have dated. I've been engaged three times, and am married for the second time.

What I have learned is this: the two of you may be a great couple when you are together; but realistically, you aren't together. If you don't have a plan for how you will navigate this in the future. If developing a plan isn't something that you both want to work on. If realistically you don't want to give up teaching, and she won't ever get off the second/third shift, then you know what the answer is. Date, have fun, but recognize that if neither of you are willing to change schedules, then the two of you aren't in a serious long term relationtionship.

So I'm not saying DTMFA, but I am saying don't be blind to the realities of your relationship.
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:01 PM on July 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Does your g/f work shift-work or set days each week? Does she work weekends as well?

My partner and I have been managing opposite hours since we met, for +2 years now, my with full-time and his with graveyard shiftwork (although we live together now and are much better at it). It was hard at first because expectations of how much time you should be spending together are often unrealistic, but that doesn't mean you can't have a meaningful relationship that works out well long-term and you probably find the time you do get to spend together is very valuable in the early stages.

My recommendation, assuming you live nearby enough, is that you cook dinner for her (or with her) and eat together either at one of your houses or somewhere outdoors in the window of 6.30pm-9.30pm on the nights that suit. Going for brisk outdoor walks in that window could also be good, especially for a nightworker - She'll probably sleep better if she does some light exercise each day she wakes (my partner has rotten sleep issues / sleep apnea as well and tries to get 15 mins sun / walking sun each day).

Apart from that keep yourself busy with your otherwise offwork time with lots of interests / hobbies & friends so you don't develop dependancy on having to see her all the time.

Having said all that and in light of Nanukthedogs answer, it's pretty well agreed between my partner and I that he will switch to day work eventually. Although at 2 months its unreasonable to have such a conversation with your gf (although she may hint at her aspirations long-term)
posted by Under the Sea at 12:02 AM on July 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

We have sex less often and she admits that when we do she enjoys it less because of her anxiety about not getting enough sleep for work. It seems that she is in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation and she is starting to associate seeing me with not sleeping and feeling run down at work.

My husband and I both worked nights when we first got together. Some people never adapt to night shift, and it sucks. Insomnia when you're totally exhausted is just hell. Do try really hard not to take this personally - she's probably just as anxious about not getting enough sleep for work about a dozen other influences in her life, it's just that you aren't there to see it. The social isolation of nights is rough, and "civilians" rarely understand. When your friends are disappointed because you don't want to get together for drinks at 2000, because you have to work in two hours and besides you just ate breakfast, or when your mom is upset because you never want to come have lunch and spend a nice afternoon shopping, or when your dad thinks you're lazy because you're never up when he calls, it can get lonely.

I like Under the Sea's answers. The best support you can give is facilitating her routine. She's already doing most of the right stuff. Might try a pair of blue-blocking sunglasses (amber/orange lenses) for her transit from work to home in the morning (yes, it sounds crazy but it's broadly accepted - cite, cite, cite)

Oh, and of course, when she's upset because she can never get to the bank, or her neighbor rang the doorbell at 2PM, listen and sympathize.
posted by gingerest at 1:41 AM on July 9, 2012

The night shift SUCKS and many people who work it would not do so if they had another choice!

I know someone who has a (flexible hours) day job and has been dating a woman who works night shift for a couple of years now. On the weekends, somehow, he switches to her hours, staying up all night so he can spend her free time with her. This is how they make it work. I can't wrap my head around the toll it takes, but he loves her and she loves him, so it's a sacrifice he makes.

I share this story to say, it IS a real problem and someone is going to have to twist him or herself out of shape to make the relationship work. That doesn't sound like it's going to be her, since she's so anxious about sleep deprivation. Since you have the summer off, could you possibly be the pretzel for the next couple of months? You can use the time, perhaps, to figure out where the relationship is heading, and if it's worth it to you to attempt some creative scheduling of your own during the school year.
posted by artemisia at 4:05 AM on July 9, 2012

My partner and I have regular daytime hours, but we both really enjoy going out for breakfast once a week. Maybe you could meet her for breakfast-for-dinner in a Golden Griddle or other 24-hour type of place?

Also, if she's so regimented with the sleep schedule, it sounds like she really needs a routine in order to stay consistent with this lifestyle. If you can build yourself into the routine (i.e. have set days/times you see her and set activities when you do) that might make her feel better. For example, if she knows that every Wednesday is breakfast out, every Thursday is a walk in the park, every Friday is reading or video games or whatever on the couch etc. That might help her relax during the time you are together.
posted by JoannaC at 5:08 AM on July 9, 2012

Given her work hours she has very particular sleep needs and often prefers that she sleep alone. She already takes melatonin, has a sleep machine/noise generator, and black-out curtains. We have only had a handful of overnights and halfway through most of those she asked me to leave or sleep on the couch.

I was going to recommend staying over at each other's places on weekends, until I saw this.

My partner often works strange hours for a few months at a time and then goes back to a normal schedule. We make it work during these periods, but we are living together and can do stuff in little bits of time that become available. And we both change our schedule some on the weekends/days off. We have also taken a lot of vacations where we get more or less onto the same schedule-- often just because we go somewhere with big time changes so we are both thrown off equally.

I think the best thing would be to find a way to spend some nights at her place even if you don't sleep in the same bed. Otherwise I don't see how you'll have enough time together to figure out if this is worth it. In both of the long-term relationships I've been in, there were sleep and schedule issues. In the previous one, the guy's schedule changed dramatically in the summer (competitive athlete) and our relationship would always go downhill because I didn't adjust very well and was sleep-deprived for those few months. Then back to the normal schedule, and the relationship would improve again.
posted by BibiRose at 8:38 AM on July 9, 2012

I'm absolutely not a morning person. I worked night shift for years but now I'm forced to be on a day schedule. When a fellow and I could only get together in the morning before I went to work, you'd better believe I would wake up early and be super happy about it, sleep deprivation be damned. And on his end, he stayed up later than he wanted. I often took naps after work. We did this for three months or so.

You both need to have a nuts-and-bolts discussion about how this is going to work, with some compromises on both ends so one person doesn't feel resentful. Both of you will have to put up with some sleep disruption.

Could she come over after her work, let herself in and snuggle with you in bed for a bit? Does one of you have a lunch hour that would let you meet? Don't knock lunchtime quickies - they can be awesome.

Sometimes dayshifters/morning people are prone to a certain blind entitlement because the world runs on their schedule. Often there's a feeling that the night person should make all the adjustments and if their sleep suffers it's their fault for working nights. That could be really toxic in a relationship. Talk to her about what sort of sleep environment she finds best. Is your presence disruptive because of temperature, or noise, or movement? Would you be willing to invest in a better mattress or different bedclothes? Could you visit the doctor if there's a snoring issue?

It really boils down to how serious you are about a two month relationship, and how easily both of you can coordinate and compromise. But where there's a will to be together, there's a way.
posted by griselda at 11:10 AM on July 9, 2012

I am so, so sorry but "we have sex less often" in a two month relationship is a catastrophic sign. This does not get better. It is the rare relationship where you are having more sex at 2 years than you were at 2 months.

I am not, by the way, saying "break up with her because you're not getting enough." I am saying "seriously reconsider this relationship because it sounds like the two of you keep incompatible hours, on top of which your girlfriend has sleep issues."

She admits that when we do she enjoys it less because of her anxiety about not getting enough sleep for work.

What hours is she sleeping? Why are you not seeing each other after you come home from school and before she leaves for her night shift? Is there some reason she can't have sex before work to remove this particular anxiety?
posted by DarlingBri at 11:41 AM on July 9, 2012

Response by poster: What are your weekends like? Why exactly can't she switch shifts?

She works two weekends a month. I am always free on the weekends. She is locked into her shift (she is a nurse) for the next 6-9 months.

how recently has your sex life diminished? How about her difficulties enjoying your time together--when did that start?

In the last two or three weeks, with seemingly no trigger/event.

Does she work seven days a week?

She works 40 hours a week, but the days she works shift each week, so it makes it very difficult to predict if she will have enough energy/be in the mood to do something more than a day or so in advance.

On the weekends, somehow, he switches to her hours, staying up all night so he can spend her free time with her.

I have friends who are married to doctors/nurses who do this, but my girlfriend said that she prefers to switch back to daylight hours on her days off, rather than have me switch.

Could she come over after her work, let herself in and snuggle with you in bed for a bit? Does one of you have a lunch hour that would let you meet?

I actually asked her about this, thinking it could be a fun way to spend a few summer mornings. She said "No, the hour after I get home from work is really important to me. It is part of my getting-ready-for-bed-ritual and if I miss that, my whole day is wrecked." Her lunch break is at midnight and the area she works in at the hospital is locked/it would be very strange for someone's SO to visit.

Is your presence disruptive because of temperature, or noise, or movement? Would you be willing to invest in a better mattress or different bedclothes? Could you visit the doctor if there's a snoring issue?

I snore mildly and have seen my primary care, an ENT, and an allergist about it. I take some allergy meds that seem to mitigate it, but since I am in great shape and lead an active lifestyle, there is little else for it. She says it is a combination of my snoring and her nervousness about not sleeping when I am around. She has a very expensive mattress already, which early on ruled out my apartment as a place she could ever sleep.

What hours is she sleeping? Why are you not seeing each other after you come home from school and before she leaves for her night shift? Is there some reason she can't have sex before work to remove this particular anxiety?

She usually sleeps 10:00-18:00 then goes into work from 19:00-8:30. She is never awake long enough after/before work for us to hang out on her working days. I have a pretty high libido, which is probably tied to how often I work out and my (somehow?) diminished sleep needs. Her libido is significantly lower than mine, which makes sense given the amount of stress and sleep disruption in her life.

Since you have the summer off, could you possibly be the pretzel for the next couple of months?

I am willing to be the pretzel, so to speak, for the foreseeable future, because she is worth it. As for making plans when she is not working, she usually has to initiate, because if I were to text her in the afternoon when she is sleeping or right after she has woken up and say "hey let me take you out to dinner or let's go for a walk at sunset along the lake" she will usually say "I'll let you know in a few hours if I am up for it," with me then coming across as pushy.

I can imagine how that feels if your SO is always texting you RIGHT when you get up trying to make plans and get you to commit to something when you haven't even had your "morning" coffee or brushed your teeth.
posted by vkxmai at 12:10 PM on July 9, 2012

19:00-8:30 is a 14.5 hour shift - is she actually working 3 x 12 or 4 x 10 or what?

I think you're just going to have to take this casually for the next nine months. Make plans as soon as she knows her days off, and let her initiate any getting together outside of that.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:39 PM on July 9, 2012

Well, from all your new additional information, it still seems like she's not willing to do anything outside of what she's comfortable with. She's not willing to do anything or go out of her way to be with you.

If someone won't make space in their world for you...then you're the third wheel in your own relationship. She values her bed more.

Don't get any more emotionally involved in this if you can avoid it. Or make it clear that you see there being a finish line at the end of the summer. Just prepare each other for the switch or make the split now.
posted by inturnaround at 12:41 PM on July 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

I can imagine how that feels if your SO is always texting you RIGHT when you get up trying to make plans and get you to commit to something when you haven't even had your "morning" coffee or brushed your teeth.

Probably better than you feel trying to fish for this woman's time. At least she's being pursued by a man whose company she says she enjoys. You...are always waiting for her.
posted by inturnaround at 12:46 PM on July 9, 2012

Response by poster: 19:00-8:30 is a 14.5 hour shift - is she actually working 3 x 12 or 4 x 10 or what?

That includes her commute time and errands immediately before/after work when she leaves her place.
posted by vkxmai at 12:46 PM on July 9, 2012

Best answer: I think she is Officially Too Busy To Date. If she can't budge even the tiniest bit of her precise sleeping and working schedule for you and it's not going to change and it sucks this bad enough to do an AskMe at two months...it won't be better in six. I think she just doesn't have room for another person in her life as is, and you're only going to feel shittier waiting around for tiny crumbs.

Maybe just agree to be friends, but right now she is not at all up to handling a relationship where she sees someone regularly. She needs to make some concessions in order to make you happy, and she's said no to every single reasonable thing you've asked. If she says no to everything, then, well, I don't think anyone here can help you. Sorry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:32 PM on July 9, 2012 [2 favorites]

I understand completely why she wants to go back to a day shift when she has time off, but it's the worst thing she can do, in terms of her already-fragile sleep schedule. The science says those 1- to 3-day stints of resetting her circadian clock are incredibly disruptive. (My husband shifted back to days on his time off and I never did. Then again, he functioned better on nights than I ever did so maybe the capacity to adapt to different schedules is stronger than the disruption of the reset.)
It seems like she's losing a big chunk of her day to the commute. Could you be her chauffeur, run her to her errands, just for the summer when you're available? Safer for her and everyone else on the road if she's driving, and that way you see her morning and night.
Is she new to nights?
posted by gingerest at 5:56 PM on July 9, 2012

Seconding gingerest. She needs to keep her sched the same on the weekends.
posted by spunweb at 11:43 PM on July 9, 2012