Prepping for the Prodigal Son
July 8, 2012 6:54 AM Subscribe
Help me find a book that will guide my girlfriend in repairing her relationship with her estranged teenaged son.
After a year of refusing to have contact with my girlfriend (and going out of his way to be an asshole about it), her seventeen-year-old son has indicated that he wants to start talking to her again. He left our house, where there were rules and active parenting, to live with his dad, a clueless workaholic absentee parent who lavishes him with material items (car, iPhone, expensive athletic club memberships) with no behavioral or academic requirements attached. Jackpot if you're a teenager... not so much if you're trying to raise a decent human being.
For about a year now, he's refused to see or speak to my GF, taking care to relay through his sister (who still lives with us) that he most certainly did NOT wish her a Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday, and that despite his plummeting grades, brushes with the law, and the backlash he's gotten from her side of the family and his coaches, he was doing great without her meddling influence in his life. Then last week, out of nowhere, my GF gets a text that said he wants to start talking to her again.
We're not sure exactly what's behind his recent change of behavior, but being a mom, and a "pleasing" personality to boot, my girlfriend is desperate just to have her son acknowledge her existence. He's a sharp kid (and a young male), though, so he's trying to just reappear without too much fuss about his past behavior. He's also reconstructing the narrative of What Went Wrong to include the notion that it was a 50/50, "We both did horrible things to each other" falling-out, which, as someone who was there as a witness, I can tell you WAS NOT the case. My GF is one of the best parents I've ever seen, and nobody who knows the story--including her son's own friends--blames her for what's happened.
So yeah, Junior's shit doesn't fly with me. I'd like to find some books that focus on things like ground rules, accountability, and overall demanding respect as a parent throughout the process, and especially any that take a worthless Other Parent into consideration. I just want her to be able to rebuild constructively, without falling into traps like second-guessing herself, accepting blame for things she didn't do, etc. I also want him to recognize the heartbreak he's caused her, and to have to sincerely apologize to her. Maybe I'm not quite so ready to forgive somebody who's treated my girlfriend like shit for a year as she is, but there it is.
One last thing-- I know therapy is in order here, but I also know he'll drag his feet when asked to go (he broke all the appointments with school and private counselors she set up for him this past year). I figure some books might provide the framework for getting the ball rolling.
After a year of refusing to have contact with my girlfriend (and going out of his way to be an asshole about it), her seventeen-year-old son has indicated that he wants to start talking to her again. He left our house, where there were rules and active parenting, to live with his dad, a clueless workaholic absentee parent who lavishes him with material items (car, iPhone, expensive athletic club memberships) with no behavioral or academic requirements attached. Jackpot if you're a teenager... not so much if you're trying to raise a decent human being.
For about a year now, he's refused to see or speak to my GF, taking care to relay through his sister (who still lives with us) that he most certainly did NOT wish her a Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday, and that despite his plummeting grades, brushes with the law, and the backlash he's gotten from her side of the family and his coaches, he was doing great without her meddling influence in his life. Then last week, out of nowhere, my GF gets a text that said he wants to start talking to her again.
We're not sure exactly what's behind his recent change of behavior, but being a mom, and a "pleasing" personality to boot, my girlfriend is desperate just to have her son acknowledge her existence. He's a sharp kid (and a young male), though, so he's trying to just reappear without too much fuss about his past behavior. He's also reconstructing the narrative of What Went Wrong to include the notion that it was a 50/50, "We both did horrible things to each other" falling-out, which, as someone who was there as a witness, I can tell you WAS NOT the case. My GF is one of the best parents I've ever seen, and nobody who knows the story--including her son's own friends--blames her for what's happened.
So yeah, Junior's shit doesn't fly with me. I'd like to find some books that focus on things like ground rules, accountability, and overall demanding respect as a parent throughout the process, and especially any that take a worthless Other Parent into consideration. I just want her to be able to rebuild constructively, without falling into traps like second-guessing herself, accepting blame for things she didn't do, etc. I also want him to recognize the heartbreak he's caused her, and to have to sincerely apologize to her. Maybe I'm not quite so ready to forgive somebody who's treated my girlfriend like shit for a year as she is, but there it is.
One last thing-- I know therapy is in order here, but I also know he'll drag his feet when asked to go (he broke all the appointments with school and private counselors she set up for him this past year). I figure some books might provide the framework for getting the ball rolling.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
So yeah, Junior's shit doesn't fly with me.
You're not his parent. I can understand your concern about this part:
We're not sure exactly what's behind his recent change of behavior, but being a mom, and a "pleasing" personality to boot, my girlfriend is desperate just to have her son acknowledge her existence.
But I don't think the way to approach it is by producing books and otherwise arguing with how she is inclined to deal with it. It may be that in her mind, stuff like accepting distorted versions of "what really happened" is a way to preserve this fragile contact and start over fresh. And she may be right.
I think you should say, "I may not agree with how you are approaching this reconciliation; just know I'm here to support you." And then do it, while maintaining your own boundaries with the kid. There is no reason why you should let him walk all over you personally. But really, the rest is your girlfriend's decision.
posted by BibiRose at 7:49 AM on July 8, 2012 [4 favorites]
You're not his parent. I can understand your concern about this part:
We're not sure exactly what's behind his recent change of behavior, but being a mom, and a "pleasing" personality to boot, my girlfriend is desperate just to have her son acknowledge her existence.
But I don't think the way to approach it is by producing books and otherwise arguing with how she is inclined to deal with it. It may be that in her mind, stuff like accepting distorted versions of "what really happened" is a way to preserve this fragile contact and start over fresh. And she may be right.
I think you should say, "I may not agree with how you are approaching this reconciliation; just know I'm here to support you." And then do it, while maintaining your own boundaries with the kid. There is no reason why you should let him walk all over you personally. But really, the rest is your girlfriend's decision.
posted by BibiRose at 7:49 AM on July 8, 2012 [4 favorites]
So, your girlfriend's 16 year old son, after a divorce and then dealing with his mother living with someone new -- someone who at best strongly dislikes his father -- did stupid, assholeish things, and now seems to realise he fucked up and wants to repair his relationship with her.
Maybe give him a second chance before you start demanding respect and apologies and new rules.
posted by jeather at 7:51 AM on July 8, 2012 [8 favorites]
Maybe give him a second chance before you start demanding respect and apologies and new rules.
posted by jeather at 7:51 AM on July 8, 2012 [8 favorites]
The anger and resentment you feel toward this young man is radiating off the screen of my little device over here. Be cautious about letting that emotion muck up what the other two are trying to accomplish. He has reached out to her. Change is a process and this will not go as quickly as you seem to want, nor will it happen in the order you want. So maybe you also need to need a couple of sessions with that therapist to sort out how to support this reconciliation rather than inadvertently undermining it out of a desire to protect your girlfriend from further hurt.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:54 AM on July 8, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:54 AM on July 8, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Rules and active parenting" in one person's eyes come off as "controlling and dictatorial behavior" in another person's eyes. I'm hesitant to accept your side of the story unquestioningly.
It sounds to me like you need an attitude adjustment. Regardless of who was at fault or who wasn't, it sounds like your son needs his mother a whole lot less than she needs him. In negotiating terms, you are in a substantially weaker position here. That means that this is utterly the wrong time and place to demand anything from him. If you do that, he might simply walk away forever, leaving you in the position of having permanently cost your girlfriend her only son.
If you're smart, first you'll build emotional rapport with him. Then, only after he has come to think of you as family that he needs for his emotional well-being, should you demand an apology.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 7:56 AM on July 8, 2012 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like you need an attitude adjustment. Regardless of who was at fault or who wasn't, it sounds like your son needs his mother a whole lot less than she needs him. In negotiating terms, you are in a substantially weaker position here. That means that this is utterly the wrong time and place to demand anything from him. If you do that, he might simply walk away forever, leaving you in the position of having permanently cost your girlfriend her only son.
If you're smart, first you'll build emotional rapport with him. Then, only after he has come to think of you as family that he needs for his emotional well-being, should you demand an apology.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 7:56 AM on July 8, 2012 [3 favorites]
I can understand your being mad at the kid for causing your girlfriend pain for a year. Who wouldn't be? However, you're not his dad or even his stepdad. You do not get to make the overall decisions as to how to handle the situation. She does. And you being all "Junior's shit doesn't fly with me" (yeah, I agree with ThatCanadianGirl that your rage is all over this post) is not going to work because you're not his dad here. You may make the situation worse if you are putting your foot down all over him. And yeah, your girlfriend is in the weaker position here because she wants him back and he can take or leave her. You may just have to let her take the lead as to how she wants to handle him while you fume in the background. The first step is getting the kid to talk to her again--possibly even if his motives are suspect. And she is more likely to "put up with his crap" because he's her baby and she wants him back no matter what.
I don't think this is exactly a situation where books are going to help. More like, therapy for your girlfriend and/or you even if the kid won't go. It would help to have an actual human discuss strategies with you both as to how to handle things.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:11 AM on July 8, 2012
I don't think this is exactly a situation where books are going to help. More like, therapy for your girlfriend and/or you even if the kid won't go. It would help to have an actual human discuss strategies with you both as to how to handle things.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:11 AM on July 8, 2012
You asked for a book. Here's one that I haven't made my way completely through but that may be useful in this context. Despite the title The Drama of the Gifted Child (so far from my abbreviated read of it) is a book about how our experiences as children impact our parenting. It's not about "gifted" children in the kind of standard vernacular that we use that term nowadays. Read some of the reviews and see if it might what you are looking for.
The first review marked "most helpful" is from year 2000, and apparently the newer version of the book is slightly different in that it focuses more on adults overcoming abusive childhood situations. That focus may get in the way of the utility of the book if that doesn't describe the reader's experience.
posted by gubenuj at 8:33 AM on July 8, 2012
The first review marked "most helpful" is from year 2000, and apparently the newer version of the book is slightly different in that it focuses more on adults overcoming abusive childhood situations. That focus may get in the way of the utility of the book if that doesn't describe the reader's experience.
posted by gubenuj at 8:33 AM on July 8, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
A book that tells parents to demand respect or allow denigrating the other parent as worthless is not a book that is going to help rebuild a relationship between a parent and a troubled teen. Books on mindful parenting (such as by John Kabat-Zinn) will complement both family therapy and individual therapy for mom (esp. if her son isn't yet on board with it).
Maybe I'm not quite so ready to forgive somebody who's treated my girlfriend like shit for a year as she is, but there it is.
It's really not about you.
posted by headnsouth at 7:27 AM on July 8, 2012 [1 favorite]