How can I cope with a really quiet talker?

July 4, 2012 5:10 PM

How do you deal with 'quiet talkers'? It's really, really bad.

I have to be in extended contact with a serious quiet talker for the next indefinite bit at my job. This person is very cool and competent, but this is grating on my nerves so much that I find it hard to be around them. We are on the same team and I know that I will need to go out with drinks/dinner with this person one to two times a week plus an occasional weekend work 'adventure' outing. It's bad--think Seinfeld bad. I find myself focusing all of my energy on attempting to listen to this person and it makes me incredibly irritated. Their voice range is always just below a reasonable limit--enough to make me really strain to hear them but loud enough to hear if I try really, really hard. I don't want to be rude and ask "WHAT?!!?" in a disgusted tone, but I must admit that I've done it a few times already. I swear that it's beyond anything I've ever experienced. I am a very polite person and this is testing me to my limits. Other people have expressed having the same issues (in confidence, of course). I need to work well with said party, and I'm really worried that I won't be able to. How can I cope with this in an adult manner?

posted by 200burritos to Health & Fitness (25 answers total)

People who mispitch their speaking voice are often hearing-impaired - and they might not know it. Tread carefully.
posted by cromagnon at 5:14 PM on July 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

Is this after the obvious middle-ground between not doing anything and disgustingly asking "WHAT?!!?" -- every time you can't hear them, say "I'm sorry, could you speak up?" or "I'm having a little trouble hearing you, could you please speak a little louder?" or "Sorry, I didn't catch that, could you try to be a little louder?" Say it every time you can't hear them, always politely, and you're fine. They might think you have hearing problems, if they don't know they are so quiet, but so what? Just ask them to speak louder when you can't hear.
posted by brainmouse at 5:14 PM on July 4, 2012 [13 favorites]

"I'm sorry -- my hearing isn't very good, and I'm having trouble understanding you. Do you think you could speak more loudly? I'd really appreciate it." In a one on one conversation, not in a group meeting.

(anecdotally, I think I can sometimes be a quiet talker, and if I get "what? what"-ed multiple times in a conversation, I feel horrible and try really hard to speak up... I WISH people would just say "you're really quiet right now! speak up!")
posted by telegraph at 5:14 PM on July 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

why can't you just ask him or her to speak up a little? blame it on the noisy venue, your bad hearing, or on not wanting to miss a word, if you want to. do this preemptively, before you're irritated.
posted by peachfuzz at 5:14 PM on July 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Wow...thanks for that, cromagnon. I didn't even think of that and I feel like such a jerk now. I seriously appreciate that insight.
posted by 200burritos at 5:15 PM on July 4, 2012

This is something you just have to address head-on, I think. Couldn't you say something like, "Hey, I have to tell you, my hearing isn't super great. Could you please speak up?" and just repeat until they get the picture?

On preview, it looks like telegraph beat me to it.
posted by Hello Darling at 5:15 PM on July 4, 2012

Yeah. All you really need to say here is, "I'm sorry, can you please speak a bit louder?" Repeat as necessary.
posted by Scientist at 5:26 PM on July 4, 2012

"I'm sorry, could you please speak up? I'm having trouble hearing you."
posted by J. Wilson at 5:26 PM on July 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm a quiet talker with poor hearing. My voice sounds plenty loud in my own head.
posted by Packed Lunch at 5:31 PM on July 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Such people have something wrong with them. If by adulthood they have not learned the social norm of how to (expletive) speak to other human beings, they have some significant screw loose

I have this, which means, sometimes, my voice sounds SO LOUD in my own head, that I think I might be shouting. Since I don't like shouting at people, I sometimes overcompensate, and speak too quietly. This makes me an insane asshole, apparently. You should stand your ground.

Or: you could just say, "I'm sorry, I can't quite hear you. Can you speak up a bit?" then I'll realize I'm overcompensating, and speak up. No biggie.
posted by vivid postcard at 5:46 PM on July 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Clear, concise, friendly communication always is the best route to take. Just tell them that you have a hard time hearing them. Arrange to meet someplace that is not noisy.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:47 PM on July 4, 2012

I worked for several years in a bar. Several of our patrons were hearing-impaired, but of course most were not. When I was presented with a case of "really-quiet-talking" (i.e. I could not hear them well enough to understand what they were ordering), here is what I learned to do:

Look your interlocutor in the eye and point at your ear. Then spread your arms in a shrug while looking around as if you're not sure what's happening. Catch their eye again (point at your own face) and bring your hands/arms together (slowly and calmly) in a short 'bow'. (This makes it clear that you are actively trying to communicate.) Then spread your arms again in an inviting gesture and again point toward your ear. Wait for them to respond.

In a work situation, keep a pad and pen/pencil handy.
posted by trip and a half at 5:50 PM on July 4, 2012

Mod note: Comment removed, please try to find a way to answer constructively without declaring other people broken or crazy or whatever.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:03 PM on July 4, 2012

I'm hearing-impaired, so I can be a quiet (or LOUD) talker, plus I can't hear other people very well (by definition!). I recommend "I'm having a lot of trouble hearing today, can you please speak up" rather than "Sorry, what was that" because you want it to be a general request, not in reference to the specific thing they just said.
posted by desjardins at 6:11 PM on July 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Great advice above.
Another thing you can say - especially in a social bar or restaurant setting - is, "I'm sorry, its just so loud in here, I'm having trouble hearing you. Could you speak a little louder?"
posted by DoubleLune at 6:16 PM on July 4, 2012

I agree, it can be maddening. And there are nuances. In the 'modern' workplace that stresses transparency, collaboration, accessibility, etc -- in other words, too cheap to give you an real office, or even a cube -- I've noticed a frequent tension between the announced goal of collaboration, and concern over disrupting the work of others.

And consequently some people talk too loud, others too soft. Jeez.

I can't add much, but I do notice how many of the respondents, including low-talkers and hard of hearing, advise a straightforward ask. To an Occam's razor guy, that seems like a good start.
posted by LonnieK at 6:18 PM on July 4, 2012

desjardins makes a good point. "I am having trouble hearing you, could you please speak louder?" is different from "what?" and "pardon me?". For a lot of people, the "polite" thing seems to be to let other people guess at the right conclusion, so they will just continue to say "what? heh? pardon?" until the speaker guesses that they aren't speaking loud enough.

It also helps to point to your ear and then point your ear at the speaker's mouth, grandpa style. (Don't do the subsequent prayer gesture, this comes off as insincere.) This seems to get people to understand that the sounds coming out of their mouths are not loud enough for the environment, and they will usually speak up.
posted by gjc at 6:21 PM on July 4, 2012

I'm often accused of being a 'quiet talker' by my girlfriend. I do occasionally studio work and live sound, and subsequently have very good hearing (I can hear well outside the frequency band for most people, regardless of age).

What I feel that's a normal volume for me sounds 'quiet' to her, so I HAVE TO RAISE MY VOICE sometimes for her to comprehend. Objectively speaking (yes, I measured it with an dB meter), I speak as loud as her in my normal voice. There's just a tonal quality about it that makes it difficult to comprehend for some people (and quite a few have no issue hearing me just fine).

tl;dr Maybe it's not her, maybe it's you.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 6:22 PM on July 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

As well as hearing impairment, there can be other physical reasons for this. I have a friend who is an extremely quiet talker due to an old injury to his voicebox. Most people meeting him would probably think he is just choosing to speak quietly and would be annoyed. He hates having to speak so softly, but doesn't want to tell the whole story to people. He tends to avoid socialising because of it, and gets frustrated to the point of tears when people are rude to him about it.

So, seconding, tread gently here!
posted by lollusc at 6:24 PM on July 4, 2012

Bear this in mind too - when someone consistently makes you speak louder than your usual pitch it can have a corresponding affect on mood. I get more and more irate at my parent's house because both have some hearing loss (although dad is finally getting hearing aids soon) and I am constantly having to yell, or pitch my voice. Given that I do storytime for 30+ kids, I can do it, but it's a strain. Having to do it all the time gets negative.

That said, my partner insists I have hearing loss because I often ask him to speak up. The problem is less about levels and more about confounding noise. I have anxiety issues and an exaggerated startle response and when I am surrounded by noise (the exhaust fans, cars, TV/radio, others talking) I can find it hard to 'hear' him. I can hear the noises, but I can't make out the words or make them make sense (I have to repeat the noise in my head to turn it into language). It's frustrating for both of us but we've worked out a lot of the trigger factors and it can be weird but we often turn to face each other and look at each others face. At work this can be a huge issue but I'm slowly training my staff that if they want my attention, hollering at me is the worst way to get it in a crowded situation. Is it possible that these are factors for you too?
posted by geek anachronism at 7:07 PM on July 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

I've had a couple of dear friends who were quiet talkers. Their volume tended to increase with their confidence and comfort with me. I agree that framing it as a "something is up with me & I can't hear you" problem might be the safest, most effective route. Saying something like, "I'm sorry, could you please speak a bit louder?" will probably yield the best results. If you ask often enough, it'll become a habit. Don't be afraid to ask them to speak up, no matter how often, because, especially when it comes to work, you can't afford to mishear things. If it happens frequently enough, the person in question will probably assume you have a hearing loss issue and will happily "accommodate" you. Regardless of whether the individual makes that assumption or not, over time, chances are the person's volume will increase, at least when s/he is with you.
posted by katemcd at 7:45 PM on July 4, 2012

Find quiet venues that you can suggest for your drinks/dinner outings.
posted by Mila at 9:37 PM on July 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

As others have said, just frame it as your problem: "Sorry, my hearing's not that great, can you speak up?" It's not your job to fix this person in general, all you need to aim for is to get him to speak louder to you.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 12:34 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Another quiet talker here! As others have mentioned my voice sounds plenty loud to me. I'm not deaf but I do find it absolutely exhausting to talk at volume for even a short period of time. I've never minded if someone says they can't hear me and asks me to speak up. I have minded a lot when people have been rude or patronizing about my lack of volume. In those (rare!) situations my response has been to suggest the complainer listen up and perhaps consider an ear trumpet. FWIW when I'm asked nicely I try REALLY hard to speak up. Just ask nicely.
posted by t0astie at 1:40 AM on July 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm like chrisfromthelc - I am a quiet talker with VERY good hearing (I hear frequencies others don't hear as well). I find that because of that, I'm a good barometer of other people's hearing, or how well they listen. Most people have no trouble hearing me (including my mother, who wears hearing aids). Those that don't tend to have hearing problems they don't know about. So I would suggest you have your hearing checked. It may be you.
posted by FlyByDay at 7:17 PM on July 5, 2012