wedding etiquette

July 29, 2005 4:14 PM

I'm going to a wedding where the bridesmaids are wearing all black. Is it bad etiquette for a guest to wear a black dress also?
posted by brighteyes to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (26 answers total)

I think it's bad etiquette for the bridesmaids to wear black. IANAW, but wear the black as long as it ain't the same dress - ladies, help here?
posted by nj_subgenius at 4:18 PM on July 29, 2005

I believe tradition used to frown on women (either attendants or guests) wearing black to a wedding (bad luck?), but these days it's perfectly fine for bridesmaids if that's what the bride wants -- it's what I wore as maid of honor to my sister's wedding, and what she wore for mine. So if the attendants are wearing it, it should be fine for a guest (as long as it's not the same dress, of course) -- clearly, the bride doesn't seem to be superstitious about it, so there really isn't a problem.
posted by scody at 4:43 PM on July 29, 2005

Maybe the happy couple are fans of Truffaut.*
*Or at least the bride is!
posted by rob511 at 5:50 PM on July 29, 2005

Depends. Are you still in mourning?

The arbiters seem to have given up on this one as any google search will show, but in my own admittedly stiffish and old fashioned set, it would absolutely raise eyebrows and comments. (But then, bridesmaids would never wear black in my own admittedly stiffish and old fashioned set.)

Bottom line, why take unnecessary chances? If nothing else, she who wears color where others wear black and white gets noticed.
posted by IndigoJones at 6:10 PM on July 29, 2005

I would not wear black or red to a wedding. Black is for mourning, red is too flashy and takes attention off of the bride.
posted by lorrer at 6:25 PM on July 29, 2005

What lorrer said. Ditto white. (You wouldn't think it necessary to add that, would you?)
posted by IndigoJones at 6:33 PM on July 29, 2005

My wife's takes:
1. The bride likely picked black for her bridesmaids so they wouldn't each have to buy a one-time-use dress. Since the bride's that considerate, she'll be equally understanding in your case.
2. What if they'd all been made to wear purple, and you didn't know, and showed up in purple? Now substitute "black" for "purple".
posted by Aknaton at 6:33 PM on July 29, 2005

Maybe I'm too young to really follow what I feel are very silly and outdated rules one might call etiquette (some of them anyway)...but I see nothing wrong with wearing black just because the bridesmaids are. First, many of the people at the wedding will probably not be aware of this information beforehand and what if they wear black? I'm not saying you should plead ignorance but I'm sure people have accidentally wore the same color before and it hasn't been looked down upon. Secondly, black is only for funerals? What about the supposed fashion staple, the little black dress? I've seen guests wear black dresses at weddings and thought nothing of it.

On the other hand... I agree that you might want to wear a colored dress so as not to drown in a sea of black.
posted by jetskiaccidents at 6:42 PM on July 29, 2005

Have you considered asking the bride and groom?

Black is for mourning

Er, except when it's for elegant evening wear.

Come on, if people can get married underwater and skydiving, they can certainly include black in the ceremony.

Aknaton's wife: The bride likely picked black for her bridesmaids so they wouldn't each have to buy a one-time-use dress.

That's what I thought, too, which makes it a gracious gesture. That, or it's a goth thing. Either way, it's obvious that black is being allowed at this particular wedding. I'm surprised that folks are ignoring the facts presented in the question to bring up points of etiquette that don't apply.
posted by mediareport at 6:47 PM on July 29, 2005

I say wear whatever you'd like, and if it offends them, remind them that they are offended because of the wavelength of light the material your dress is made out of displeases them.

i.e. tell them to get a life
posted by angry modem at 6:49 PM on July 29, 2005

I have no idea about the etiquette, but I would think as long as your dress looks different (besides color) then the bridesmaid's you should be fine.
posted by mmascolino at 6:50 PM on July 29, 2005

I'm not going to judge the bridesmaids' attire (EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY AM) but, really, is there not some other color you can wear in your dress? Does not a nice red or blue or green suit you? Isn't there anything more festive in your wardrobe or local clothiers, whether that be Fancy La-La or Ste. Vincent? There is so much that is chic and, well, NOT FUNEREAL that is available to you! While The Little Black Dress may be a staple of the cocktail party, this is a different occasion. C'est ne pas un cocktail party. While black may be the color of the bridesmaids' gowns (harrumph), are you really going for the chorus-line effect?

Use this as an excuse to buy something pretty!!

PS: not white, either ;)
posted by mimi at 7:28 PM on July 29, 2005

Why can't black be pretty? If the bride doesn't object to having her bridesmaids wear black -- indeed, she presumably chose for them to wear black -- then why is it even an issue? Black is chic and elegant. Why not wear it to a wedding like any other lovely special occasion?
posted by scody at 8:14 PM on July 29, 2005

I hear brown is the new black (circa 1986 -- anyone else remember that?).

(My mother got married in 'fire-engine red'... in 1956!)
posted by trip and a half at 8:14 PM on July 29, 2005

In fact, now that I think about it, I wore a vintage black cocktail dress -- an old Mr. Blackwell, in fact! -- to the last wedding I attended, and both the bride and groom raved about it. Of course, they both wore traditional Korean garb and stood under a chuppah while their Church of the SubGenius minister married them, so they were pretty much inclined not to be too discomfitted by a little ol' black dress!
posted by scody at 8:23 PM on July 29, 2005

NOT FUNEREAL
posted by angry modem at 8:53 PM on July 29, 2005

Is it an afternoon or an evening wedding? How formal?

We're just hicks from Maine, but friends and I were invited to a super-ritzy NYC evening wedding lask fall, and we were killing ourselves to find/make/buy dresses that were formal enough but that were not black. We all succeed (I wore a kind of shimmery battleship grey). We get there, and I'd say that easily 30% of the other women there were in black.

If you like black, and are comfortable in black, and its a pretty formal or evening wedding, wear black. But I bet you'll end up being one of a hundred.
posted by anastasiav at 10:10 PM on July 29, 2005

I've attended many weddings in the recent past, and I have dutifully served my bridesmaid time. This bride sounds cool to me, wanting her bridesmaids to have something they can wear again. Clearly she would have no objection to guests wearing black either! Assuming this is an evening wedding, it's hard to find anything dressy enough that isn't black. Hey - tuxedos are usually black and nobody has a problem with that!
posted by coolsara at 11:08 PM on July 29, 2005

I'm not so sure the bride chose black dresses out of consideration for her bridesmaids. (maybe, maybe not) About 10 years ago I attended my cousins wedding - his bride had chosen black & white as their wedding 'colors'. Black & white decorations, dresses, etc.

I'm old school - you don't wear a white dress or the same style dress as the bridesmaids (but same color is fine), and you don't wear a black dress during the daylight hours, unless you're going to a funeral. If black is all you've got and the wedding & reception are in the evening, then go ahead and wear it.
posted by LadyBonita at 2:48 AM on July 30, 2005

There is no etiquette against wearing the same color as the bridesmaids, as far as I know. And I presume that if the bride picked the color, she's okay with seeing it at her wedding. So I think you're all right.

The no-black-dress rule is definitely on its way out. The afternoon, height of summer outdoor wedding I attended a month ago featured several guests in black. This is a young, liberalish social group - openness to the black dress will vary, of course, depending on how socially correct and traditional the crowd is. But black's association with funerals only is dwindling, so I think it will become more and more accepted as festive attire.
posted by hilatron at 4:08 AM on July 30, 2005

No problem black dresses per se, save that they're getting way over done. Folks, Chanel introduced the damn thing seventy five years ago. Time to move on. Besides, it's accentuates even the smallest of figure flaws.

To the subject at hand- it is in the religious (or even quasi religious) context of a wedding that it creates an issue.

I say wear whatever you'd like, and if it offends them, remind them that they are offended because of the wavelength of light the material your dress is made out of displeases them.

The whole point of a wedding is to make the happy couple the center of attention. The whole point of good manners is to make others feel at ease. Your attitude, selfish, and its snide retort (though I can imagine few people giving you the chance to use it), does the opposite. To what greater good?
posted by IndigoJones at 6:56 AM on July 30, 2005

I've never gone to a wedding and been concerned about wearing the same colour as the bridesmaids. I think the same should apply in the case that it's black.

As for the black in general, I suspect the people who matter (ie the bride and groom) will be too busy greeting their guests and, I don't know, getting married, to worry about whether their guests are wearing black. At least, that's the way I felt at my wedding, which, now that I think about it, definitely had people wearing black.
posted by purtek at 8:15 AM on July 30, 2005

Have you considered calling the bride and asking if she would be offended by having you show up in an elegant little black number?
posted by majick at 8:26 AM on July 30, 2005

Miss Manners once allowed someone to wear black to a wedding, but Gentle Reader was hugely pregnant and had only one dress that fit. She also begged her to accessorize it with a colored scarf.

What the bridesmaids are wearing isn't germane to what is or isn't appropriate guest attire, unless they're wearing jeans or something.

So, you can surely "get away" with wearing a black dress, but that doesn't really make it any more appropriate.
posted by obloquy at 12:51 PM on July 30, 2005

I'm thinking about having my bridesmaids wear black dresses of their own choosing, to let them save money on the dress and let their own personalities come through in their dress choice but still have them technically "match." I wouldn't care at all if, and in fact fully expect, other people to wear black to the wedding and reception. If I were the kind of person who would mind anyone wearing a cute little black cocktail dress to my wedding reception, I would have long ago picked out and ordered identical satin puffy sleeved, long skirted numbers for all the girls in the party.

The advice of the people telling you not to wear black strikes me as old fashioned and outdated. I also don't think you need to bother the bride by calling her to run your apparel choice by her. Honestly, it could (inadvertantly) come off as a passive aggressive dig against her choice to let her bridesmaids wear black. Do not worry about this. Really. You will look cute and chic, and no one will mind or, frankly, notice. Just don't carry a bouquet or anything!
posted by onlyconnect at 10:41 PM on July 30, 2005

Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your advice. I was trying to avoid calling the bride and bugging her. She's really stressed out right now. (She wanted to elope to Vegas, but her family wanted otherwise. Poor girl.) I'm just going to go look for a dress, will try to avoid black, but whatever I see and looks good, that's what I'll get.
posted by brighteyes at 9:18 AM on July 31, 2005