wedding etiquette

July 10, 2009 6:32 PM

My husband and I will be attending the wedding of his nephew next weekend.  The wedding is at 12:30-the reception is at 5:30. My husband wants us to wear one outfit for the wedding and another for the reception.  I say no one else is going to change, and we should not.  He says he is right and this is what we should do.  Any thoughts on this?? Thanks
posted by JAD'E to clothing, beauty, & fashion (31 answers total)

In my experience, yes, a lot of people will change.
posted by kate blank at 6:35 PM on July 10, 2009

I think he's right that many people will change, particularly if the venues are very different (catholic church vs. fancy reception hall). But I don't think it's required, so do what you want. Me, I'd want to change from a day to evening dress.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:37 PM on July 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

What culture are the people in the wedding from? How long will the wedding ceremony be? Are most people from out of town and/or staying/living near the wedding location? I've seen people change when there is a sizeable gap in time between the wedding and the reception -- mainly because being in the same dress clothes for that long can be trying and stinky and the venues may be different. But not everyone does, so do whatever you feel comfortable doing. If this is an Indian wedding, everyone will change.
posted by bluefly at 6:41 PM on July 10, 2009

I think it's a question of taste level (of you, of your husband's family). For example it might be ok if you wore a dressy suit to both functions, but not ok if you wore a strappy cockail dress to both.
posted by contessa at 6:42 PM on July 10, 2009

I think that if the ceremony venue is outside - where there's a significant opportunity for sweatiness/sunburn/mosquito bites/etc. - then I imagine all guests owe it to each other to change into something a bit fresher/less sweaty for the evening. I would change, especially if I was a guy attending, as I could probably get away with a simple shirt/tie change.

If you still feel like changing is something you'd rather not do, could you evening-ify your outfit with more formal shoes and accessories, a shawl/wrap and maybe a different clutch/handbag?
posted by mdonley at 6:43 PM on July 10, 2009

If this is your husband's arbitrary opinion and not specific to a particular culture, why doesn't he bring two suits and let you pick your own outfit for the event? If the wedding ceremony is in a church and you want to wear the same thing to each part, you may need to add a sweater or wrap, or wear a more conservative dress or suit so that you're dressed appropriately, but otherwise I can't imagine a problem. Unless the ceremony is outdoors in a swamp, or you plan wear something that wrinkles easily, you'll have time to freshen up and look perfectly presentable for the reception.

I recently attended a wedding on a similar timeframe (noonish ceremony at a church, dinner-time reception) and wore the same dress to each, with a cardigan over it for the church portion. Some people probably changed, others wore the same thing to both the ceremony and reception. I honestly didn't notice, and can't imagine anyone really cared.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:01 PM on July 10, 2009

As to respecting or disrespecting the bride and groom: the couple will have no idea what you wear to the ceremony because they will be busy, you know, marrying each other; and none of the other guests in attendance will care what you wear to the ceremony. The way you show respect is by dressing appropriately for the occasion, not by doing a costume change midday.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:04 PM on July 10, 2009

I had this disagreement with a wedding date once. She insisted everyone except the uncivilized would wear two completely different outfits. I believed only the pretentiously overdressed look-at-me crowd would ever bother changing, so we resolved to take a photo-survey to settle it.

I can't find my little scoresheet, but it was overwhelmingly 'nobody changes'. There were four or five attention-seeking single women who made a big deal out it, but almost nobody else did.

I think the final count was 200-something not-changed, a dozen changed.
posted by rokusan at 7:19 PM on July 10, 2009

I don't know what you should do, but I want to second Meg_Murry's point that the bride and groom will not notice and do not care. So don't change, or not change, on their account.
posted by escabeche at 7:24 PM on July 10, 2009

Huh? I have never heard of changing between wedding and reception. Ask the mother of the groom what she thinks people will be doing.
posted by lakeroon at 7:39 PM on July 10, 2009

Yes, with that span of time, most people will change.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:42 PM on July 10, 2009

I usually change (unless the reception is directly after the wedding).
posted by aielen at 8:13 PM on July 10, 2009

I have always changed for a wedding like this, mainly because I would be changing out of the clothes for the midday gap anyway. After an afternoon by the hotel pool, do I really want to put on what I wore that morning? Not really.
posted by palliser at 8:15 PM on July 10, 2009

Is the wedding in a church/temple/synagogue first, and then a hall/restaurant later? You might want to dress differently for those two events. But if you have an outfit that will work for both events (day and evening), then go for it. It wouldn't have occurred to me to change either -- can you ask the sister of the bride, or another aunt, etc., what they're doing and expecting most folks to do?
posted by barnone at 8:17 PM on July 10, 2009

Whether or not this happens depends almost entirely on nature of the two venues and the amount of time between them. For that kind of time span, I'd say that changing outfits would not be in the least uncommon.

You don't have to, of course, but if one's outdoor noontime, and the other is indoor dinnertime, well, personally I'd be hard-pressed to wear something comfortable and appropriate for both venues.
posted by Aquaman at 8:18 PM on July 10, 2009

It wouldn't occur to me to change for a wedding so I say he can change if he wants to. But if he's micromanaging your outfit(s) that's kind of iffy.
posted by 6550 at 8:33 PM on July 10, 2009

I went to a wedding like this. I did not change, nor did the people I knew well enough to notice what they were wearing. I don't think anyone will care if you do change.
posted by jeather at 8:57 PM on July 10, 2009

In my experience, about a quarter of the women will change completely and another quarter will alter their accessories in some significant way -- wearing a dress with a jacket over it for the church and then the same dress with an evening wrap for the reception, as an example. Everyone else will just pick one outfit that works well enough for both halves of the event that it doesn't matter.

If the evening reception is particularly formal / black tie (though it shouldn't be, given that it starts at 5:30, since one simply doesn't wear black tie before 6), then that percentage will go way up, as day time church dresses and evening gowns are very much not the same thing.

Unless the ceremony is outdoors or the reception is black tie, men, in my experience, don't change between one and the other since a suit is a suit is a suit.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:05 PM on July 10, 2009

My husband wants us to wear one outfit for the wedding and another for the reception. I say no one else is going to change, and we should not. He says he is right and this is what we should do. Any thoughts on this?? Thanks
posted by JAD'E

Are you tied to one another in some fashion that you both must change clothing at the same time? Otherwise, he can change as many times as he wants; hell, he can hide clothing in the john and change upwards of fourteen times. Meanwhile, you can do what you'd like also. You're married, not enslaved to one anothers lunacies, though actually that is often what marriage seems to be about. (Puzzled outsiders viewpoint...)

Any time someone says "We should do this or we should do that, what they are saying, in code, is "I want you to do this because I am going to do this and I'm going to be ashamed to be with you unless you do this also." but they're too dishonest to come out and say so.

He's obviously got an agenda, he obviously wants to be a style plate, and he's going to be ashamed to be with you unless you live up to whatever lunatic agenda he's trying to live up to. Wear whatever the hell you want, at least unless/until he gets some honesty in his communications, in which case you are then given reasons as to why he would like you to support him in his fears and needs, and you can then have a better idea as to what you wish to do.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:15 AM on July 11, 2009 [4 favorites]

i am in the small majority who say "if the venues are very different, and changing clothes is the best way to be appropriately dressed for both venues, then change clothes", as well as in the small majority who say "if the time gap between the ceremony and the reception is such that you will be leaving the ceremony, entertaining yourself for a couple hours, and then going to the reception, you should change clothes just like you would if you spent all day doing your own thing and then got dressed for a party."

also I don't think there's any controlling agenda or manipulation going on, just a difference of opinion. adults have them; they're no big deal.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:01 AM on July 11, 2009

Depends on the context. If you're going from a church service to a backyard BBQ, then yeah, you might want to change.

Whenever I find myself stressed out by finding something to wear to a wedding, my mom always offers the gentle reminder: "Nobody will notice. It is not about you."
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:15 AM on July 11, 2009

Get talking to his family. I don't know why you asked us and not them, but with a wedding a week away, now is the time to be asking them what help they need, can you do anything/lend anything useful, and incidentally what are people doing about changing?
posted by Idcoytco at 7:10 AM on July 11, 2009

Historically, in proper dress you would change. There are entirely different codes of formal dress for daytime and for the evening. In addition there are different codes of dress for a church service vs. a party, particularly for women. You have time between the events, so you change.

Practically, in modern times you can probably show up in blue jeans and half of Metafilter would defend you as being appropriate. What you should do depends entirely on the formality level of your hosts and their other guests. Personally, as a man, I'd probably slide by in a single suit for both events but maybe change into a fresh shirt inbetween. Unless it were a black tie reception, in which case I could have fun with formal wear.
posted by Nelson at 7:46 AM on July 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

In my family, no one changes. It's just kind of accepted that whatever you wore to church (and it is almost always church) is fine for the reception.

In my husband's family, however, everyone changes. There's a church ceremony in the morning and a semi-formal reception in the evening. You change because your church clothes are too casual for the reception, and eveningwear isn't appropriate for church.

Personally, I like my family's way better - so much less fuss. But whatever. When we have weddings in his family, we change. When people in my family get married, we don't.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if your husband is telling you that's how things are done in his family (does he have a sister who can verify this? His mom maybe?) then you should probably plan on changing. If it's something he's just coming up with, then you should be fine wearing one outfit.

Either way, though, I don't think anyone would really notice or care. I'd take the path of least resistance, whatever that turns out to be.
posted by AV at 8:27 AM on July 11, 2009

You don't have to, but lots of people will.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 12:08 PM on July 11, 2009

Well, two points of concern. 1) Is there downtime between the ceremony and the reception? Is there some sort of 'intermission' planned by the couple for their guests or are you expected to go home and come back? 2) Is whatever you are planning to wear to the early afternoon ceremony appropriate for an evening reception? I don't know how (in)formal the reception is going to be, but I would take into consideration what I would be wearing based on the time and location of the two events. What *I* would choose to wear to one event based on those specifics definitely wouldn't be appropriate for the other.

That said, I'm pretty sure your husband isn't your keeper or personal shopper . If you have no intention of wearing a different outfit (or don't want to drop the cash for another dress, etc.), tell him to stuff it. I'm sure you will look smashing no matter what you wear.

Have fun and enjoy the wedding!
posted by dancinglamb at 12:59 PM on July 11, 2009

I recently went to an afternoon wedding at a Catholic church; the reception was to begin at 6 p.m. Some women came to the church in fashionable clothes appropriate for a night-time party -- but they wore a jacket or pretty cardigan to cover their back, shoulders, and cleavage, and they planned to swap their mid-heel shoes for strappy high heels for later. I noticed only because I was looking for it. If your reception outfit is appropriate for church, wear it. If you want to dress down for day and dress up for evening, that's okay too.

People are going to talk about you only if you really stand out. They're mostly thinking about their own clothes, and looking at the bride.
posted by wryly at 4:47 PM on July 11, 2009

In my experience, Indians and Catholics change; Protestants don't. The Indian and Catholic weddings I've been to were huge, expensive and lasted 12+ hours: people wore conservative clothing for the religious ceremony, and changed to shinier/brighter/sexier outfits afterwards. At the (briefer) Protestant events, people didn't change.

If you don't feel like asking, I'd trust your husband. It's his family, so he'll probably know what's normal.
posted by Susan PG at 6:39 PM on July 11, 2009

Thank you to everyone who answered. This will be a Catholic wedding. We will be staying with my brother-in-law and his wife. I have talked this over with the Aunt who raised both my husband and his brother, and she is going to change. My husband is not the controlling type, it is just that I have never been to a wedding where there was such a gap between getting married and the reception. The solution is we are both taking two outfits and will decide when we get there.
posted by JAD'E at 5:46 PM on July 12, 2009

About a dozen years ago, I went to a wedding with a gap before the reception like your nephew's. The people who were actually part of the wedding kept their wedding attire, or switched into T-shirt and shorts for a couple hours and then changed back, which is my guess. The rest of us showered, re-made-up, and put on our partying clothes, because that was the kind of reception it was. I ended up wearing jeans and a comfy shirt, shooting tequila with the groom's dad, and dancing somewhat lewdly with the bride; but, I was a girl who was very good friends with the groom. Since you're an aunt, taming it down a bit is probably smart.

Since it's a Catholic wedding, a bar of some sort and dancing is probable, from my experience. I'd recommend comfortable clothes for the reception.
posted by lilywing13 at 12:56 AM on July 13, 2009

I also think many people will change between the two ceremonies. I've been to Tamil weddings like this, where people wore saris to the wedding, and dresses to the reception. And men changed from whatever the hell those things dudes where are called into suits.
posted by chunking express at 7:53 AM on July 13, 2009