So, is my reputation tarnished forever?
June 15, 2012 1:56 PM Subscribe
If I lie (a very big lie), can I ever redeem myself?
I grew up in a very value-driven family. My dad would have his moral code tattooed into his skin, if tattoos didn't go against his belief system. One of his biggest values is academics (his favourite niece in the entire world has a phD, so I hope you have an idea now) <- this will be relevant a few sentences down. While I have carried many of the principles I have learnt into my own life (never backbite about people, steal or cheat them for money, respect your elders, etc.) - all was well until these three things aligned: truth, fear and pride. From my earlier posts, you probably know that I was kicked out of school. I then learnt that my brother *also* kicked out - but he was quick about telling my parents. I wasn't. And so began a very long fabrication process where I pretended that I was still in school (i.e. taking college courses for academic upgrading so I could get in at least!) et al. Since I have never communicated with our parents, and I was too afraid about their reaction/had too much pride to admit that I had failed, everything has culminated into one big time bomb. I've basically been going around, literally quite lying to everybody's face, "yeah I'm graduating." "No, I don't know what I want to do yet." (I do know, but it isn't in the context of my post-degree opportunities of course).
The thing that scares me though, is when people do find out the truth (and they will. We know enough horror stories to realize at least this fundamental principle of life) all I will look like is this gutless weakling liar... a piss-poor personality that couldn't own up to the truth. Which is 100% true (I wouldn't be in the same situation if I had no fear). My parents will think it (and yell it out loud). Anyone else I lied to will think it. This is where I wish I didn't play the part of the Boy Who Cries Wolf, you know? I'm glad I didn't made up a lie to intentionally hurt someone else, which would have been far worse, but all the emotional guilt of that is all there. I did intentionally hurt people by getting their hopes up, especially my own parents. Now it just feels like no one will ever like me, or trust me, again. That's what you get when fear and pride rule you.
Is there really any way I can make up for what I have done?