How to tell work contacts I don't want them at my wedding?
May 24, 2012 7:25 AM Subscribe
[WeddingFilter] Getting married, and I'm in the guest-list home stretch, with a hard limit of 150 guests. I work at a job where I am highly encouraged to do networking from my personal Facebook account. I made the mistake of announcing my engagement there by changing my relationship status. Now everyone expects to come! What do I do? And how do I avoid offending them?
So, I work in a nonprofit job where there's a lot of work-life bleedover. Think small, intimate union organizer - it's not, but it's close enough to fit. One of my main duties is to foster a sense of community among people-to make people feel at home, to start talking to each other and start feeling like they're part of something. I also am the point person for individuals who need help with resources, including crisis counseling. Part of my job involves working with Facebook to get people more involved-chatting with them in order to get a friendly relationship established, and then inviting them to our events and get-togethers. I am, as noted, strongly encouraged to use my personal Facebook to do this, which means my Facebook is a blend of my own friends, and several hundred people who are connected via work. (Yes, in retrospect this was a bad idea which I should never have agreed to, but it's a little hard to lock the barn door now.)
I changed my relationship status to "engaged," in part because I was very happy and in the "show the world" mode, and also in part because I get a lot of sexual harassment from people in this "union." I think in part, I was hoping that people would stop hitting on me.
Well, success on that score, but unfortunately, I was almost instantly messaged by a lot of people talking about my wedding that seemed to be assuming that they would be coming-talking about how I should just let them know when it was and they would absolutely make sure to come, or talking about how they'd like to help with wedding planning, or other comments that make it clear that they think they're going to be invited. These are ranging from fellow staffers to people I interact with only in passing. A lot of these people clearly have felt like they're my friends, where I'd categorize them as acquaintances - and in my book, you don't invite acquaintances to weddings.
I really, really don't want to invite most of these people. Some of them I actively dislike, and some of them I just don't feel like buying dinner for, much less inviting them to my wedding. Some of them have problems with inappropriate socialization, that don't appear on the internet, but mean I really, really don't want them there. I also don't really have room on the guest list. We're really working on keeping guests down so expenses don't balloon out of control.
I think also that having a medium-size wedding is going to compound the problem. I can't say "we're just having a small wedding," because to someone that's not hugely social, 150 people sounds like a lot. But it goes really quickly if you're fairly social or have a large family, especially when you have to include spouses. At my age, most of the people I want to invite are married or otherwise long-term-partnered. So for me, this is a list that's being agonized over.
Another part of the problem is that I can't exactly use the old standby, "No one from work is going to be invited," because some people are. I've been working with this company for several years, and in that time I've made some close friendships. I'd ideally like to invite about 10 people that either work with the organization or who I met through the organization. If I had more room on the list, I'd be willing to invite 30-40, but I simply don't.
The questions I have:
1) I know the old standby in etiquette is not to discuss the wedding with people who aren't going to be invited, but what do you do when they broach the subject? Is there a polite way to dissuade them from talking about it? And is that the time to say, "Actually, you're not going to be invited?" Or is that needlessly confrontational?
2) How do I go about this without making people angry at me? Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, and I'd let acquaintances suck it up. But this is also related to my job, and a lot of people who feel negatively about me will negatively affect my employment.
3) Is it reasonable to ask people who are invited to the wedding who move in those nonprofit circles not to talk about it publicly on Facebook? I think this is part of what's likely going to exacerbate things-people talking about how excited they are, ultimately taking pictures, etc. It's hard to have people stay calm when it's all in their face.
Also, I'd appreciate anyone else who can think of more problems with this situation, that I haven't thought of, please add on. Or ways that I can solve some of the tertiary problems. This is kind of a mess.
So, I work in a nonprofit job where there's a lot of work-life bleedover. Think small, intimate union organizer - it's not, but it's close enough to fit. One of my main duties is to foster a sense of community among people-to make people feel at home, to start talking to each other and start feeling like they're part of something. I also am the point person for individuals who need help with resources, including crisis counseling. Part of my job involves working with Facebook to get people more involved-chatting with them in order to get a friendly relationship established, and then inviting them to our events and get-togethers. I am, as noted, strongly encouraged to use my personal Facebook to do this, which means my Facebook is a blend of my own friends, and several hundred people who are connected via work. (Yes, in retrospect this was a bad idea which I should never have agreed to, but it's a little hard to lock the barn door now.)
I changed my relationship status to "engaged," in part because I was very happy and in the "show the world" mode, and also in part because I get a lot of sexual harassment from people in this "union." I think in part, I was hoping that people would stop hitting on me.
Well, success on that score, but unfortunately, I was almost instantly messaged by a lot of people talking about my wedding that seemed to be assuming that they would be coming-talking about how I should just let them know when it was and they would absolutely make sure to come, or talking about how they'd like to help with wedding planning, or other comments that make it clear that they think they're going to be invited. These are ranging from fellow staffers to people I interact with only in passing. A lot of these people clearly have felt like they're my friends, where I'd categorize them as acquaintances - and in my book, you don't invite acquaintances to weddings.
I really, really don't want to invite most of these people. Some of them I actively dislike, and some of them I just don't feel like buying dinner for, much less inviting them to my wedding. Some of them have problems with inappropriate socialization, that don't appear on the internet, but mean I really, really don't want them there. I also don't really have room on the guest list. We're really working on keeping guests down so expenses don't balloon out of control.
I think also that having a medium-size wedding is going to compound the problem. I can't say "we're just having a small wedding," because to someone that's not hugely social, 150 people sounds like a lot. But it goes really quickly if you're fairly social or have a large family, especially when you have to include spouses. At my age, most of the people I want to invite are married or otherwise long-term-partnered. So for me, this is a list that's being agonized over.
Another part of the problem is that I can't exactly use the old standby, "No one from work is going to be invited," because some people are. I've been working with this company for several years, and in that time I've made some close friendships. I'd ideally like to invite about 10 people that either work with the organization or who I met through the organization. If I had more room on the list, I'd be willing to invite 30-40, but I simply don't.
The questions I have:
1) I know the old standby in etiquette is not to discuss the wedding with people who aren't going to be invited, but what do you do when they broach the subject? Is there a polite way to dissuade them from talking about it? And is that the time to say, "Actually, you're not going to be invited?" Or is that needlessly confrontational?
2) How do I go about this without making people angry at me? Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, and I'd let acquaintances suck it up. But this is also related to my job, and a lot of people who feel negatively about me will negatively affect my employment.
3) Is it reasonable to ask people who are invited to the wedding who move in those nonprofit circles not to talk about it publicly on Facebook? I think this is part of what's likely going to exacerbate things-people talking about how excited they are, ultimately taking pictures, etc. It's hard to have people stay calm when it's all in their face.
Also, I'd appreciate anyone else who can think of more problems with this situation, that I haven't thought of, please add on. Or ways that I can solve some of the tertiary problems. This is kind of a mess.
I would post a message on Facebook, something like the following:
"Thanks for all the wedding wishes! It's getting close to the big day, and we're so excited and we really appreciate everyone's offers for help. We wish everyone could be there with us that day, but it was necessary to keep the venue small and the guest list reserved. Thank you for your understanding!"
Or...something like that. Maybe that example is a little too formal, but you get the idea. If anyone is seriously offended, well then you definitely wouldn't want them at your wedding anyway!!
posted by Eicats at 7:32 AM on May 24, 2012 [17 favorites]
"Thanks for all the wedding wishes! It's getting close to the big day, and we're so excited and we really appreciate everyone's offers for help. We wish everyone could be there with us that day, but it was necessary to keep the venue small and the guest list reserved. Thank you for your understanding!"
Or...something like that. Maybe that example is a little too formal, but you get the idea. If anyone is seriously offended, well then you definitely wouldn't want them at your wedding anyway!!
posted by Eicats at 7:32 AM on May 24, 2012 [17 favorites]
You have a guest limit. After looking at family and friends who you have to have at the wedding there just isn't room for other people.
It's their fault for expecting to come to your wedding. You don't have to cover for their social ignorance. Or at least, you don't have to cover for it by having them at your wedding.
posted by theichibun at 7:33 AM on May 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
It's their fault for expecting to come to your wedding. You don't have to cover for their social ignorance. Or at least, you don't have to cover for it by having them at your wedding.
posted by theichibun at 7:33 AM on May 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
Agree with ThePinkSuperhero! Anyone who doesn't understand that you can't invite EVERYONE is not someone who should be invited anyway.
posted by Eicats at 7:34 AM on May 24, 2012
posted by Eicats at 7:34 AM on May 24, 2012
If people are essentially inviting themselves to your wedding, that's a gaffe on their part, not on yours. If you don't discuss details with them or enlist them to help with planning, you aren't being rude. I would, however, not say anything further on Facebook unless you set up some privacy filters, nor talk about the wedding at work with other people who are going.
Also, it's possible you're reading more into their comment than they intended -- much of the chatter may just be meaningless small talk or niceties.
If asked directly (which is incredibly rude unless they're close, personal friends or family!) you can do them the kindness of politely explaining that your family filled most of the guest list, and maybe add something about how you'll be sorry to miss them and appreciate the good wishes.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 7:37 AM on May 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Also, it's possible you're reading more into their comment than they intended -- much of the chatter may just be meaningless small talk or niceties.
If asked directly (which is incredibly rude unless they're close, personal friends or family!) you can do them the kindness of politely explaining that your family filled most of the guest list, and maybe add something about how you'll be sorry to miss them and appreciate the good wishes.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 7:37 AM on May 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You could make an A, B, C invite list - invite all of the A list people first, when some of them decline invite people from the B list, when some of them decline invite people from the C list.
You can also blame it on your parents and future in-laws and say that your parents/in-laws threatened to never speak to you again unless you invited 50+ cousins, aunts uncles, so you don't have room to invite all of the people you really want at the wedding (wink).
posted by echolalia67 at 7:38 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
You can also blame it on your parents and future in-laws and say that your parents/in-laws threatened to never speak to you again unless you invited 50+ cousins, aunts uncles, so you don't have room to invite all of the people you really want at the wedding (wink).
posted by echolalia67 at 7:38 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
This is what work wedding showers are for. Let the people who really want to help throw some kind of party for you AT WORK. Be gracious, thank them, etc.
Otherwise say nothing about who is invited and invite who you want to be there.
posted by gingerbeer at 7:41 AM on May 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
Otherwise say nothing about who is invited and invite who you want to be there.
posted by gingerbeer at 7:41 AM on May 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Of course you can't invite EVERYBODY to your wedding. You wouldn't be able to invite EVERYBODY to your wedding even if you had 500 guests.
Some people are just socially clueless and that's granting them the benefit of the doubt. Just don't invite people you don't want to invite. Don't apologize publicly, don't even mention it. Changing your status to engaged is really, really, really not a public invitation to your wedding. Not even a little bit. Go on with your life as planned and if anyone has the gall to ask directly tell them you're sorry but you're having a small wedding. If that's awkward, tell them your intended has a HUUUUUGE family or something and laugh.
Make sure not to single anyone out, though, if you, say, work with a group of 5 people you really shouldn't invite only four of those five people.
(Disclaimer: we're 10 days out from our wedding and last week one of my fiance's old college friends whom he hadn't seen in 8 years had the balls to ask us why he hadn't been invited. Fiance laughed it off and SENT HIM AN INVITE. But that's because my fiance is a doofus, not because we should have invited him.)
posted by lydhre at 7:42 AM on May 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Some people are just socially clueless and that's granting them the benefit of the doubt. Just don't invite people you don't want to invite. Don't apologize publicly, don't even mention it. Changing your status to engaged is really, really, really not a public invitation to your wedding. Not even a little bit. Go on with your life as planned and if anyone has the gall to ask directly tell them you're sorry but you're having a small wedding. If that's awkward, tell them your intended has a HUUUUUGE family or something and laugh.
Make sure not to single anyone out, though, if you, say, work with a group of 5 people you really shouldn't invite only four of those five people.
(Disclaimer: we're 10 days out from our wedding and last week one of my fiance's old college friends whom he hadn't seen in 8 years had the balls to ask us why he hadn't been invited. Fiance laughed it off and SENT HIM AN INVITE. But that's because my fiance is a doofus, not because we should have invited him.)
posted by lydhre at 7:42 AM on May 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Congratulations!
It's definitely tricky when you work with people who think they're socializing with you.
I think personal fb notes of thanks along Eicats lines would be appropriate for those who will feel confused at not being invited, but don't assume that every note of good wishes is angling for an invite. Personally, I commented on the fb wedding planning posts of a work acquaintance even though I was not invited to her wedding, and that was cool with me.
You could also use fb's group settings to not post personal info to work relations in future.
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 7:43 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's definitely tricky when you work with people who think they're socializing with you.
I think personal fb notes of thanks along Eicats lines would be appropriate for those who will feel confused at not being invited, but don't assume that every note of good wishes is angling for an invite. Personally, I commented on the fb wedding planning posts of a work acquaintance even though I was not invited to her wedding, and that was cool with me.
You could also use fb's group settings to not post personal info to work relations in future.
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 7:43 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Okay, as a recent groom, here are my thoughts:
Everyone can go straight to hell. You should invite EXACTLY who you want to your wedding. From here on out, there is NO worrying about anyone's feelings. Once you start making compromises ("We have to invite x because we invited y" and the like), it's ALL OVER and suddenly your wedding sucks.
I know this is a sentimental, lovely time, really, being engaged—but it's also a RUTHLESS, HEARTLESS time.
It's YOUR wedding. You have to be really honest with yourself about what you want and what you don't and if ANYONE dares to complain or be disgruntled about your wedding, well, they are horrible human beings. Their feelings: you cannot worry about them.
Of course there are a few people I wish I'd invited to the wedding and for some reason or another, I didn't, and that's lame, I have mild regrets, but oh well, everyone lived!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:44 AM on May 24, 2012 [29 favorites]
Everyone can go straight to hell. You should invite EXACTLY who you want to your wedding. From here on out, there is NO worrying about anyone's feelings. Once you start making compromises ("We have to invite x because we invited y" and the like), it's ALL OVER and suddenly your wedding sucks.
I know this is a sentimental, lovely time, really, being engaged—but it's also a RUTHLESS, HEARTLESS time.
It's YOUR wedding. You have to be really honest with yourself about what you want and what you don't and if ANYONE dares to complain or be disgruntled about your wedding, well, they are horrible human beings. Their feelings: you cannot worry about them.
Of course there are a few people I wish I'd invited to the wedding and for some reason or another, I didn't, and that's lame, I have mild regrets, but oh well, everyone lived!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:44 AM on May 24, 2012 [29 favorites]
Keep in mind that just because someone wants to talk about your wedding doesn't necessarily mean they think they're invited. I ask lots of questions about future weddings with my colleagues because I'm genuinely interested and happy for them, not because I think I'm going. For those people, indulge them because it would be embarrassing for both of you if they didn't think they were invited in the first place.
But if an uninvited person does make it obvious they are oblivious ("I can't wait to go to this!") I would message them privately explaining that you're very sorry that they won't be included in the guest list as you're keeping it small. ThePinkSuperhero is right when it comes to the definition of "small".
I don't think you should dictate how your guests use it though. If they want to talk about your wedding and post pictures afterwards, why not? If people get all butt-hurt about it because they weren't invited, I think that's their problem not yours.
posted by like_neon at 7:46 AM on May 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
But if an uninvited person does make it obvious they are oblivious ("I can't wait to go to this!") I would message them privately explaining that you're very sorry that they won't be included in the guest list as you're keeping it small. ThePinkSuperhero is right when it comes to the definition of "small".
I don't think you should dictate how your guests use it though. If they want to talk about your wedding and post pictures afterwards, why not? If people get all butt-hurt about it because they weren't invited, I think that's their problem not yours.
posted by like_neon at 7:46 AM on May 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Them: "I'd love to help plan your wedding!"
You: "Ha! You're so sweet, I'll let you know if I need you."
Them: "I can't wait to try on wedding dresses with you!"
You: "Ha! You're so sweet, it's already been decided."
Them: "Tell me when and where to be and I'll be there!"
You: "Oh, you're so sweet. Our wedding is going to be very small. Thanks for being so happy for us."
Deflect. Feel no remorse. Move on.
They are the ones being dorks here. I have a feeling that you are a really nice, vivacious, outgoing person who lots and lots of people enjoy being around and enjoy knowing and who wish they were closer to than they are. However, you don't have to tie yourself in knots appeasing everyone and especially not with your wedding. And do not worry about people scanning for photos and whatnot. You just have to put that out of your mind.
Also, the cat's not out of the bag with regard to the Facebook thing. Convert your account to business only and start a new one under a special name -- reach out to those friends and family that you want on there and don't friend anyone who is a business contact.
Congrats on your wedding!
posted by amanda at 7:49 AM on May 24, 2012 [24 favorites]
You: "Ha! You're so sweet, I'll let you know if I need you."
Them: "I can't wait to try on wedding dresses with you!"
You: "Ha! You're so sweet, it's already been decided."
Them: "Tell me when and where to be and I'll be there!"
You: "Oh, you're so sweet. Our wedding is going to be very small. Thanks for being so happy for us."
Deflect. Feel no remorse. Move on.
They are the ones being dorks here. I have a feeling that you are a really nice, vivacious, outgoing person who lots and lots of people enjoy being around and enjoy knowing and who wish they were closer to than they are. However, you don't have to tie yourself in knots appeasing everyone and especially not with your wedding. And do not worry about people scanning for photos and whatnot. You just have to put that out of your mind.
Also, the cat's not out of the bag with regard to the Facebook thing. Convert your account to business only and start a new one under a special name -- reach out to those friends and family that you want on there and don't friend anyone who is a business contact.
Congrats on your wedding!
posted by amanda at 7:49 AM on May 24, 2012 [24 favorites]
Since it seems like this personal / work overlap is important to your job, and you don't want to have a wedding shower at work (I wouldn't!), maybe you could have a meetup after work one day and frame it as a chance to meet your fiance (or spouse if it's after the wedding).
I liked Eicats' suggestion for a Facebook post, I would post something similar and add something like "I'd love for all of you to meet (spouse). We'll be having drinks at (bar) next Friday to celebrate our upcoming wedding - no gifts please!"
posted by beyond_pink at 7:49 AM on May 24, 2012
I liked Eicats' suggestion for a Facebook post, I would post something similar and add something like "I'd love for all of you to meet (spouse). We'll be having drinks at (bar) next Friday to celebrate our upcoming wedding - no gifts please!"
posted by beyond_pink at 7:49 AM on May 24, 2012
This is where Facebook is AWESOME actually. You post like this:
Found the venue! Sadly the space is small. This is going to be hard...
Working on the guest list. Who knew how small a number 150 really is once you lay out all your family and closest friends on a list, from both sides..
In other words you can share your actual experience and drop hints at the same time. Love the idea of the drinks at the bar from beyond_pink too.
posted by Zen_warrior at 7:53 AM on May 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
Found the venue! Sadly the space is small. This is going to be hard...
Working on the guest list. Who knew how small a number 150 really is once you lay out all your family and closest friends on a list, from both sides..
In other words you can share your actual experience and drop hints at the same time. Love the idea of the drinks at the bar from beyond_pink too.
posted by Zen_warrior at 7:53 AM on May 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
I'd avoid posting wedding photos where all the people who didn't get invited can see them.
posted by grouse at 7:57 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by grouse at 7:57 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Learn to repeat "Thank you so much! It's going to be a very small wedding." ThePinkSuperhero is right. All weddings are small.
Do not actually tell people what number is assigned to "small," and if people are rude enough to press you on this question, feign ignorance and explain that your partner is in charge of the mechanics of the guest list, so you aren't sure.
Do not blame the venue. That says "I cared more about the decor than I do about my friends," which would be heartless and rude if these people actually were your friends. You don't want to let on that they aren't.
Block out plenty of pre- and post-wedding socializing for people who aren't invited to the wedding but who want to see you and your partner as a couple. You can do this in large-ish groups if you like and if that makes sense for these circles of acquaintances. Don't call them showers (people will think you're trolling for gifts), just be happy to see them.
posted by willbaude at 8:01 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Do not actually tell people what number is assigned to "small," and if people are rude enough to press you on this question, feign ignorance and explain that your partner is in charge of the mechanics of the guest list, so you aren't sure.
Do not blame the venue. That says "I cared more about the decor than I do about my friends," which would be heartless and rude if these people actually were your friends. You don't want to let on that they aren't.
Block out plenty of pre- and post-wedding socializing for people who aren't invited to the wedding but who want to see you and your partner as a couple. You can do this in large-ish groups if you like and if that makes sense for these circles of acquaintances. Don't call them showers (people will think you're trolling for gifts), just be happy to see them.
posted by willbaude at 8:01 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
If your work place encourages you to use your personal FB account to promote their interests, tell them you need them to pay for 25 additional guests to your wedding. It will further their interest in fostering a community.
posted by AugustWest at 8:02 AM on May 24, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 8:02 AM on May 24, 2012 [11 favorites]
And how do I avoid offending them?Rest assured - no matter how hard you try, someone will find a way to be offended by something you do "wrong".
But who cares? It's your wedding, and you should do what you damn well please.
(We invited a the black sheep of the family, and didn't do that stupid first dance thing. And I had three best men.)
posted by ZipRibbons at 8:04 AM on May 24, 2012
Basically, everyone over the age of, roughly, 21 or so, should understand that wedding guestlists are inherently limited in nature. And if they don't understand that, they have a problem.
And your invitees who aren't, say, your siblings and parents, who post stuff every two days like "OMG ONLY 20 DAYS UNTIL CORB'S WEDDING!!! I'M SO EXCITED TO GO!" really need to calm down and need to develop their own lives rather than grasping desperately for second-hand excitement.
If you're not comfortable saying "it's a small wedding" just say, "it's not a big wedding-- mostly family." Both statements are probably true, I assume.
posted by deanc at 8:18 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
And your invitees who aren't, say, your siblings and parents, who post stuff every two days like "OMG ONLY 20 DAYS UNTIL CORB'S WEDDING!!! I'M SO EXCITED TO GO!" really need to calm down and need to develop their own lives rather than grasping desperately for second-hand excitement.
If you're not comfortable saying "it's a small wedding" just say, "it's not a big wedding-- mostly family." Both statements are probably true, I assume.
posted by deanc at 8:18 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Post this:
Due to finances, our guest list for this happy day has already been set. I would love to have all of you there with me in person but it is not feasible. I want you to know how much each and every one of you mean to me. Our friendship is very important to me. I hope that you will enjoy the photos and video clips of my wedding, and know that I know you are there with me in spirit.
Do not invite someone to a bridal shower that is not invited to the wedding.
You may want to bring this to your boss' attention. You are doing a great job making everyone feel super friendly. This is a good thing.
posted by myselfasme at 8:29 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Due to finances, our guest list for this happy day has already been set. I would love to have all of you there with me in person but it is not feasible. I want you to know how much each and every one of you mean to me. Our friendship is very important to me. I hope that you will enjoy the photos and video clips of my wedding, and know that I know you are there with me in spirit.
Do not invite someone to a bridal shower that is not invited to the wedding.
You may want to bring this to your boss' attention. You are doing a great job making everyone feel super friendly. This is a good thing.
posted by myselfasme at 8:29 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Zen_warrior totally said what I came in to say. My partner and I have been beginning to plan our wedding and I made the mistake of mentioning it on FB as well, which lead to loads of people from my past saying how they can't wait to attend. We're keeping out wedding small (50ish) so most of those people don't have a chance in hell of getting an invite. My solution has been to
1) make a couple not-so-subtle status updates about how hard it is making a guest list and keeping it as small and intimate as we want. The same people who invitied themselves after seeing the inital posts should also see that.
2) make a couple not-so-subtle status update about how excited I am to have a small, intimate wedding, for same reasons as above.
3. run interference on people who bring it up with me directly by saying, "I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone, and that is that I'll see what I can do but right now we aren't promising an invite to anyone. Right now the only people we know for sure are invited are me and [my partner]! ha ha ha")
4. come to terms with the fact that there are always going to be people that get pissy because they didn't get an invite. I've decided I'd rather have them be pissy than have a bunch of people I don't want at my wedding. It would turn our wedding into something very different and not something that we want. So sucks to them. We're inviting who we're inviting.
posted by gwenlister at 8:33 AM on May 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
1) make a couple not-so-subtle status updates about how hard it is making a guest list and keeping it as small and intimate as we want. The same people who invitied themselves after seeing the inital posts should also see that.
2) make a couple not-so-subtle status update about how excited I am to have a small, intimate wedding, for same reasons as above.
3. run interference on people who bring it up with me directly by saying, "I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone, and that is that I'll see what I can do but right now we aren't promising an invite to anyone. Right now the only people we know for sure are invited are me and [my partner]! ha ha ha")
4. come to terms with the fact that there are always going to be people that get pissy because they didn't get an invite. I've decided I'd rather have them be pissy than have a bunch of people I don't want at my wedding. It would turn our wedding into something very different and not something that we want. So sucks to them. We're inviting who we're inviting.
posted by gwenlister at 8:33 AM on May 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
We solved this particular problem by agreeing to have an after-party at a local bar. The wedding reception ends at 10pm and anyone who wants to can come by and party with us at the bar, plus anyone we couldn't invite due to financial constraints. Most people just want to wish us well, and don't mind not having to dress up/buy a gift/etc., so this has pretty much solved the problem. It's not costing us a dime, and the bar might even have a drink special for us. (Of course, I don't know how it will ultimately go because this isn't set to happen until the fall, but everyone I've mentioned it to has been really receptive to it!)
posted by juniperesque at 9:15 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by juniperesque at 9:15 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Regarding FB, if you can't stomach setting up another account (the best thing to do), you can always assign people to different groups and then post to each group separately.
The danger with this, however, is that FB remembers the last group you chose to post to and will automatically use that again for your next post. So be careful you're not posting business things to your friends and vice versa.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:14 AM on May 24, 2012
The danger with this, however, is that FB remembers the last group you chose to post to and will automatically use that again for your next post. So be careful you're not posting business things to your friends and vice versa.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:14 AM on May 24, 2012
You don't have to say you're keeping it small or include economic confessions, just say that you wish you could invite everybody. Using the "small" excuse actually risks offense if people find out there were 150 people there and that doesn't comport with their idea of a small wedding.
posted by rhizome at 11:24 AM on May 24, 2012
posted by rhizome at 11:24 AM on May 24, 2012
Hee, this brings back a memory.
Husbunny and I got married in the UU church we belonged to. The plan was a quick ceremony at the church followed by a party at a big Cuban restaurant. We were paying by the head for meals and an open bar.
When talking with one of our officients, the Rev at our church, she mentioned that a specific person was upset because we invited some folks and not others. "You know, usually at a UU wedding, everyone in the church is invited."
I was taken aback at the suggestion that I needed to invite EVERY church member, but I recovered and said, "Well, that may be, but this is my wedding and we can't afford to do that."
Also, we left the church fairly soon after.
My point is, you'll be amazed at how many people feel entitled to be invited to your wedding merely because they know you. That's not your problem. That is their problem.
Besides, weddings are so intimate, and frankly you'd have to hog-tie me to get me to a wedding of someone who is not a blood relative.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:47 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Husbunny and I got married in the UU church we belonged to. The plan was a quick ceremony at the church followed by a party at a big Cuban restaurant. We were paying by the head for meals and an open bar.
When talking with one of our officients, the Rev at our church, she mentioned that a specific person was upset because we invited some folks and not others. "You know, usually at a UU wedding, everyone in the church is invited."
I was taken aback at the suggestion that I needed to invite EVERY church member, but I recovered and said, "Well, that may be, but this is my wedding and we can't afford to do that."
Also, we left the church fairly soon after.
My point is, you'll be amazed at how many people feel entitled to be invited to your wedding merely because they know you. That's not your problem. That is their problem.
Besides, weddings are so intimate, and frankly you'd have to hog-tie me to get me to a wedding of someone who is not a blood relative.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:47 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would not post the thing about how you're sorry but not everyone is invited. Would not.
The point, I think, is to never even acknowledge that anyone would be so foolish as to self-invite to a wedding. The minute you acknowledge that they think they're invited, you accuse them of being so presumptuous that they think they're invited to your wedding when they haven't been invited.
I would just proceed as if it weren't a concern, and if anyone challenges you on it, then you just say, "I so wish we could have invited everyone we care about, but it was a small wedding." As previously stated, any wedding not attended by everyone you know is small, in that it is being held to fewer people than you'd be perfectly happy to have there if it were free. If people ask you whether you need any help, just say no. If they ask you when and where it is, tell them, "Oh, it's on the 15th -- I wish we could have invited everyone." That's what I would do. Your work cannot demand that you invite everyone you know through work to your wedding; that's absurd.
Your Facebook engagement announcement is no different from announcing your engagement in the paper -- it's entirely proper, and no one has the right to assume they can come. If you jump in and preempt them, you will go from being perfectly Miss-Manners-approved, I think, to being not-MM-approved.
I do think asking people you know not to talk TOO much about being all excited about the wedding might be prudent, though it's not your obligation. It's not great form to go on and on about a party not everyone is invited to, and while Facebook is a little different, it's also a little not different.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 12:05 PM on May 24, 2012 [10 favorites]
The point, I think, is to never even acknowledge that anyone would be so foolish as to self-invite to a wedding. The minute you acknowledge that they think they're invited, you accuse them of being so presumptuous that they think they're invited to your wedding when they haven't been invited.
I would just proceed as if it weren't a concern, and if anyone challenges you on it, then you just say, "I so wish we could have invited everyone we care about, but it was a small wedding." As previously stated, any wedding not attended by everyone you know is small, in that it is being held to fewer people than you'd be perfectly happy to have there if it were free. If people ask you whether you need any help, just say no. If they ask you when and where it is, tell them, "Oh, it's on the 15th -- I wish we could have invited everyone." That's what I would do. Your work cannot demand that you invite everyone you know through work to your wedding; that's absurd.
Your Facebook engagement announcement is no different from announcing your engagement in the paper -- it's entirely proper, and no one has the right to assume they can come. If you jump in and preempt them, you will go from being perfectly Miss-Manners-approved, I think, to being not-MM-approved.
I do think asking people you know not to talk TOO much about being all excited about the wedding might be prudent, though it's not your obligation. It's not great form to go on and on about a party not everyone is invited to, and while Facebook is a little different, it's also a little not different.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 12:05 PM on May 24, 2012 [10 favorites]
I don't think it is a good idea to post anything about how you are not inviting a bunch of people. That would be upping the drama and that is not what you want.
posted by soelo at 1:36 PM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by soelo at 1:36 PM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: CONGRATULATIONS!
Self-inviting to a wedding is rude beyond reckoning. Unless you're close family or besties of the bride or groom, there should be no assumption. It's a expensive affair, not a fucking kegger.
So I agree with Linda_Holmes to avoid engaging people as if they are, in fact, expecting an invite when they say vague, hopeful things like "I can't wait" or "I'm so excited, let me know what I can do!". Assume everyone knows the rules and they are simply being sweet or helpful. If you are asked directly about an invite or to just "name the time and place and we'll be there" (this happened to me), then you can pull out one of those vague, not-lies about small weddings (in some circles, 150 IS a small wedding), or wishing you could invite everyone you wanted (may or may not include the self-inviter), or something along those lines. I think I responded to one of the "just name the time and place and we'll be there" folks with "Man, how awesome would it be to be able to afford to invite all the people in my life that want to share this day with me! Thank you!"
I think for some people, it's easy to forget that someone is paying for the event and weddings are damn expensive. Maybe they have been to weddings that are more casual: backyard/park ceremony and a potluck/everyone-meet-at-this-bar thing for a reception. My self-inviter was that kinda guy, so I mentioned that I was hoping to have an informal gathering pre/post wedding that doesn't have the formalities and expense (and anxiety) of the wedding and reception. If they insist on making self-invite noises after hearing the words "formality", "expense" and "anxiety", then lock into amanda's "Oh you're so sweet..." script.
Also? Post your pictures and videos with no remorse. This is your WEDDING. People who would be offended at you posting pics of your happy day just because they weren't invited are narcissists who can, as Mr, Reynolds put it above "go straight to hell".
posted by Jezebella at 10:59 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Self-inviting to a wedding is rude beyond reckoning. Unless you're close family or besties of the bride or groom, there should be no assumption. It's a expensive affair, not a fucking kegger.
So I agree with Linda_Holmes to avoid engaging people as if they are, in fact, expecting an invite when they say vague, hopeful things like "I can't wait" or "I'm so excited, let me know what I can do!". Assume everyone knows the rules and they are simply being sweet or helpful. If you are asked directly about an invite or to just "name the time and place and we'll be there" (this happened to me), then you can pull out one of those vague, not-lies about small weddings (in some circles, 150 IS a small wedding), or wishing you could invite everyone you wanted (may or may not include the self-inviter), or something along those lines. I think I responded to one of the "just name the time and place and we'll be there" folks with "Man, how awesome would it be to be able to afford to invite all the people in my life that want to share this day with me! Thank you!"
I think for some people, it's easy to forget that someone is paying for the event and weddings are damn expensive. Maybe they have been to weddings that are more casual: backyard/park ceremony and a potluck/everyone-meet-at-this-bar thing for a reception. My self-inviter was that kinda guy, so I mentioned that I was hoping to have an informal gathering pre/post wedding that doesn't have the formalities and expense (and anxiety) of the wedding and reception. If they insist on making self-invite noises after hearing the words "formality", "expense" and "anxiety", then lock into amanda's "Oh you're so sweet..." script.
Also? Post your pictures and videos with no remorse. This is your WEDDING. People who would be offended at you posting pics of your happy day just because they weren't invited are narcissists who can, as Mr, Reynolds put it above "go straight to hell".
posted by Jezebella at 10:59 AM on May 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wedding showers are emphatically NOT for people not invited to the wedding (per, again, that greatest of authorities Miss Manners). That's basically saying I like you well enough to accept your presents but not to accommodate your presence.
posted by Salamandrous at 10:26 AM on May 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Salamandrous at 10:26 AM on May 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I did this at my own wedding, when a friend suggested it to us and my wife liked the idea (she hated her coworkers at the time). So I just told my coworkers "hey, my wife-to-be has this rule that we can't invite coworkers since it is so small, just family and longtime friends, sorry".
I felt zero pangs of guilt when saying this to friends, but 12 years later I'm still close friends with half the old coworkers and I'm bummed they couldn't come to the event.
posted by mathowie at 3:25 PM on May 31, 2012
I felt zero pangs of guilt when saying this to friends, but 12 years later I'm still close friends with half the old coworkers and I'm bummed they couldn't come to the event.
posted by mathowie at 3:25 PM on May 31, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
You can, though! Any wedding is small to those who are not invited. I didn't make that up, I swear; Miss Manners herself said it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:30 AM on May 24, 2012 [54 favorites]