Perparing to adopt a teenager.
May 16, 2012 2:39 PM Subscribe
Attention therapists, social workers, and counselors of Metafilter: Suggestions of books and resources to equip a couple in their late fifties planning on adopting a 17 year old girl.
My parents have decided to adopt a 17 year old girl. My mother is a middle school teacher for developmentally disabled students, my stepfather is a kick-ass Master of Maintenance. Here are the (I think) salient details:
- Mom met the girl through work, at a much younger age (Eight? 10? 12?). She's been weighing on her mind ever since.
- Even though the kid is, legally, near "launching", Mom wants to bring her onboard the Good Ship Bear anyways.
- Kid wants to be adopted (specifically by my parents) legitimately and has for quite some time, but kid is also the product of the foster system, has been bounced around, learned some bad survival strategies, etc. You get it. You know what we're talking about here.
- Why the delay? Mom just got her last kid through college recently, and has been considering the decision, and its ramifications for a few years. Guess she's come down on one side of it.
- My parents have never been foster parents. They're coming into this pretty fresh. Although my mother's husband is a stepfather, as a stepson, I was very much of the "quiet and stays in his room all the time" persuasion, so his experience with me will likely not be much help.
So I'm looking for things to read/consume that will help them get in the right frame of mind/develop a unified game plan so that they will be the awesomest adoptive parents of a 17 year old girl in the history of mankind.
Stray advice is fine, but I'm not going to show them this thread, and I'm not going to pass on what I learn here by word of mouth. I'm going to hand them a list of books/articles/videos, some of which will hopefully be culled from this thread. Please only the best, and preference for resources that specifically deal with children who may have a hard time "landing" in a new family (although, for what it's worth I don't think we're in RAD territory here) and older adoptions.
My parents have decided to adopt a 17 year old girl. My mother is a middle school teacher for developmentally disabled students, my stepfather is a kick-ass Master of Maintenance. Here are the (I think) salient details:
- Mom met the girl through work, at a much younger age (Eight? 10? 12?). She's been weighing on her mind ever since.
- Even though the kid is, legally, near "launching", Mom wants to bring her onboard the Good Ship Bear anyways.
- Kid wants to be adopted (specifically by my parents) legitimately and has for quite some time, but kid is also the product of the foster system, has been bounced around, learned some bad survival strategies, etc. You get it. You know what we're talking about here.
- Why the delay? Mom just got her last kid through college recently, and has been considering the decision, and its ramifications for a few years. Guess she's come down on one side of it.
- My parents have never been foster parents. They're coming into this pretty fresh. Although my mother's husband is a stepfather, as a stepson, I was very much of the "quiet and stays in his room all the time" persuasion, so his experience with me will likely not be much help.
So I'm looking for things to read/consume that will help them get in the right frame of mind/develop a unified game plan so that they will be the awesomest adoptive parents of a 17 year old girl in the history of mankind.
Stray advice is fine, but I'm not going to show them this thread, and I'm not going to pass on what I learn here by word of mouth. I'm going to hand them a list of books/articles/videos, some of which will hopefully be culled from this thread. Please only the best, and preference for resources that specifically deal with children who may have a hard time "landing" in a new family (although, for what it's worth I don't think we're in RAD territory here) and older adoptions.
Best answer: Off topic but important:
Your parents need to directly ask the DCS/DCFS social workers involved, in writing, if the youth being adopted is going to negatively affect her ability to qualify for state aid for post-secondary education or health insurance. I've seen several adoptions rushed through near someone's 18th birthday simply because that means that DCS would no longer be responsible for educational and medical benefits that the youth would otherwise be entitled to. The circumstances - adoptive parents knowing the youth personally for years, youth wanting to be adopted, no foster parents previously established as a permanent family option - sound very similar to these situations that I have seen. It can be extremely disheartening to all involved when the adoptive parents and their adopted child realize that their desire to create a stable family were manipulated by the "system" to avoid having to assist with school or medical needs.
I am speaking from three years of experience in a post foster-care case worker position.
posted by Benjy at 3:21 PM on May 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
Your parents need to directly ask the DCS/DCFS social workers involved, in writing, if the youth being adopted is going to negatively affect her ability to qualify for state aid for post-secondary education or health insurance. I've seen several adoptions rushed through near someone's 18th birthday simply because that means that DCS would no longer be responsible for educational and medical benefits that the youth would otherwise be entitled to. The circumstances - adoptive parents knowing the youth personally for years, youth wanting to be adopted, no foster parents previously established as a permanent family option - sound very similar to these situations that I have seen. It can be extremely disheartening to all involved when the adoptive parents and their adopted child realize that their desire to create a stable family were manipulated by the "system" to avoid having to assist with school or medical needs.
I am speaking from three years of experience in a post foster-care case worker position.
posted by Benjy at 3:21 PM on May 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Parenting Your Adopted Teenager (there is a US government publication for anything.)
More generally, Parenting After Adoption
Parenting.org Topics (run by BoysTown)
Parenting.org Communicating With Teens
Your Life, Your Voice (run by BoysTown, specifically good for the girl to have)
Also, people liked this answer I gave.
posted by SMPA at 4:16 PM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
More generally, Parenting After Adoption
Parenting.org Topics (run by BoysTown)
Parenting.org Communicating With Teens
Your Life, Your Voice (run by BoysTown, specifically good for the girl to have)
Also, people liked this answer I gave.
posted by SMPA at 4:16 PM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Benjy, that very much depends upon the state in which the child resides. For example, in VA where I live, the child would receive full funding for a college education at an in-state institution because the adoption occurred after the child's 13th birthday.
Poppa Bear, your parents will most likely have to go through MAPP classes or PRIDE training before being able to adopt this young woman. Many of the issues will be addressed there.
In the meantime, look at
The Face in the Mirror
Beneath the Mask
posted by onhazier at 4:20 PM on May 16, 2012
Poppa Bear, your parents will most likely have to go through MAPP classes or PRIDE training before being able to adopt this young woman. Many of the issues will be addressed there.
In the meantime, look at
The Face in the Mirror
Beneath the Mask
posted by onhazier at 4:20 PM on May 16, 2012
Best answer: I really recommend The Survivor's Guide to Sex. While your teen may not be a sexual assault survivor, it's a pretty great book for navigating trauma associated with relationships and family dynamics.
posted by spunweb at 5:35 PM on May 16, 2012
posted by spunweb at 5:35 PM on May 16, 2012
Best answer: Your parents should try before the adoption to find other foster-adoptive parents of teenagers in the same state. The legal stuff and services available are so often very specific to a state or county even in the U.S. These people will be the best resources and allies for them.
If they can talk to her current foster parents in depth, that would probably help a lot too, more than what a caseworker would alone. Also her teachers.
If as likely she already has some services involved, they want to have continuity - and that bit about adopting prior to 18 so the state can write off stuff is smart to check out. You can adopt after 18 as well.
What Now is a good frank blog about foster-adopting a teenager, and she might be able to give some specific advice.
Adopting the Hurt Child and the sequel are pretty good overviews of the issues they may come across.
Good luck - one of ours was a teenager when we adopted her, and she's just grown into a remarkable and loving young woman. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
posted by viggorlijah at 1:53 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
If they can talk to her current foster parents in depth, that would probably help a lot too, more than what a caseworker would alone. Also her teachers.
If as likely she already has some services involved, they want to have continuity - and that bit about adopting prior to 18 so the state can write off stuff is smart to check out. You can adopt after 18 as well.
What Now is a good frank blog about foster-adopting a teenager, and she might be able to give some specific advice.
Adopting the Hurt Child and the sequel are pretty good overviews of the issues they may come across.
Good luck - one of ours was a teenager when we adopted her, and she's just grown into a remarkable and loving young woman. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
posted by viggorlijah at 1:53 AM on May 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:44 PM on May 16, 2012