Stress free strategies for distancing oneself from dating?

April 24, 2012 1:10 PM

Stress free strategies for distancing oneself from dating? Dating Filter: My enthusiasm has waned. I'd like to bow out gracefully and preserve friendships.

I was introduced to a group of friends in my current city by a mutual friend from overseas. We're not super tight, but we've all hung out twice over the last few months, and they're nice people. I took a liking to one nice lady in particular, the feeling was mutual, and we've been dating for about a month. We've slept together once. I was originally quite enthusiastic based on some mutual interests and similar senses of humor, but after about 5 or 6 dates my enthusiasm has waned. I can't pinpoint anything specific, she's a great girl, but it feels much more like a good friendship than something with the possibility of long term intimacy.

I'm new to the adult dating world, I'm often held up as an example among friends of a person clueless about social protocol / norms, and get very anxious and upset at the possibility of hurting people (often leading to inaction, and more hurt than would've happened originally.) I'm not entirely clear on where she stands, as she's not really the lovey-dovey talk-about-feelings type, so all I've got to go on is the fact that we have gone on more than a few dates and we have slept together (e.g., neither of us has expressly stated anything along the lines of "you know, I really like you!")

So help me navigate this, please! I'd like to stop our journey down the dating path, but continue to count her and her group as friends and see each other in that context from time to time.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

(often leading to inaction, and more hurt than would've happened originally.)

Remember that, because it's important. If you already know you're not feeling this then you need to bounce.

Just tell her. Call her, stop by her place, whatever. Do it today if you can. What you basically need to get across to her is that she is great, you have a lot of fun around her, etc - but in terms of dating, whatever it is, it's just not there for you, and it would be unfair to both of you to keep this going.

Could that hurt her? Sure. You still need to do it. It's going to be hard but it's the kindest thing you can do.

While talking to her about this, try to gauge where her head's at in terms of the immediate future. She may need a while before she's ready to see you in a platonic context again. Unfortunately, whether or not you see each other as friends is not your decision to make. You have to be prepared to be the bad guy, a little bit. It's up to her how she handles the aftermath, and you need to be understanding.

It's possible she won't want to be at the same gatherings as you for a while, maybe ever. It's also possible she's feeling the same way about this and is wondering how to tell you the same thing, and you'll both laugh about this and start being just friends again. There's no way to know and it doesn't change the fact of what you have to do.

Basically you need to accept these possible outcomes and then tell her.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:25 PM on April 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

I don't know how to say this delicately so I'm just going to be blunt. You are about to dump a woman after having slept with her exactly once. If you do not take pains to be clear, it will be very natural for her to wonder if not assume that it was because she was rubbish in the sack.

By all means, follow famous monster's advice and for God's sake don't sleep with her again when you know this isn't working for you, but be sure to tell her first that you had a great time the other night. (Even if it was, in fact, rubbish.) Just make sure you do not leave her with the impression there is any cause and effect in play here.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:37 PM on April 24, 2012 [7 favorites]

If you mean it when you say you value her friendship, I would say something like,

"I've really enjoyed spending time with you, and I really, really value your friendship, and that night we spent together was fantastic. But I feel like I jumped into this thing between us too quickly, and I value your friendship too much to risk messing it up by continuing to be romantic with you when I can't commit to something more. Can we dial this back to pure friendship? I understand that this might come off as a dickish move, and that is NOT my intention -- the connection I feel with you is real, even if I think friendship is the best way to go for us. But if you need some space and time before hanging out again, I totally get it. I just hope we CAN eventually hang out again, because I really have enjoyed your company, even if I'm not feeling the chemistry for a romance."
posted by artemisia at 2:03 PM on April 24, 2012 [6 favorites]

It's hard to answer without knowing exactly what your relationship is like (and what your lady friend is like), but if it's been super casual I don't think you should necessarily have a "talk" with her. I'm a woman and I can think of lots of casual dating type relationships that have just kind of fizzled out, and it would have been really awkward and weird if the guy had made some kind of gesture to "officially end it." It just became clear that one or both of us wasn't feeling it, and that was that. I don't know, I could be way off... which is why I think you should seek the opinion of someone else in your group if at all possible, because so much depends on the context and the personalities involved in situations like these.

I would also suggest sleeping with her one more time first, so she doesn't think it ended because the sex was terrible, or because you were just trying to bed her.

And finally, realize that it might not be possible to still be friends, even if you do everything right. Again, I think it depends more on the girl than on your coming up with the magical combination of words to say to her. YMMV of course.
posted by désoeuvrée at 3:21 PM on April 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

As much as this is a bad idea, I kind of recommend sleeping her 1-2 more times as well, so she doesn't think it was because of the one time. Because that would be terrible. And that is what she will definitely think. However, that can be tricky too, because if you want to break up with her soon, you don't want to seem overly enthusiastic about wanting to hang out with her 1-2 more times in the next few days and initiating sex. If you do this, you should wait a little longer between seeing her than you normally would. Of course, the downside to this, is that you're still technically dating her for that much time.

I don't know, maybe that's terrible advice, but as a girl who's once been broken up with after sleeping with a guy once, I feel like it would've been better if I didn't have to wonder if it was because of something I did wrong in bed. There's enough self-doubt when you get dumped without wondering about that.

While it might not be necessary to have a talk with her, since that's what guys generally do - they just slowly fade out, I always respect the guy for having the guts to tell me that they're not feeling it and they're sorry (as long as this is not over text or facebook!!!). It hurts more at first, but it's better than wondering if you should call him if you haven't heard from him in a few days, and then wondering what happened, if he's busy, or if he's doing the fade-out, or what.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 4:03 PM on April 24, 2012

If you generally aren't interested in her, don't fuck her a couple more times in an attempt to somehow spare her feelings. Talk to her, maybe she isn't really feeling it either. It sounds like to don't really know. She may still want to sleep with you without the long term relationship. Let her make that choice.
posted by mimo at 4:23 PM on April 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Please don't follow the advice about sleeping with her again, if for no other reason than that it is extremely dickish to fuck someone you don't like so that you don't have to feel bad about her potentially feeling like a bad lay.

Follow FAMOUS MONSTER's advice, but just be aware that you don't get to decide what form the relationship takes after this - you can leave the door open, but she doesn't have to walk through it and neither does anyone else. That's why it's super important to not handle this like a dick.
posted by sm1tten at 5:23 PM on April 24, 2012 [6 favorites]

As a woman, I would not like a few extra sleepovers to keep me from feeling that I'm bad in the sack. If anything this is likely to deepen my sense of connection with the guy and make the breakup hurt more.

Also as a woman - I really hate the slow fade. I am still wondering what I did wrong with guys who faded out of my life months ago.

I also appreciate getting the message via email, especially if we've only been dating a short while. If I am going to cry, I would rather not do it in front of you.

Good luck. It's an awkward and difficult thing, but you're freeing her up to find someone who will think she's amazing in the sack and everywhere else. Be honest and kind and you can't go too far wrong.
posted by bunderful at 6:00 PM on April 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

Just so you don't think the only possible outcome of having "the talk" with her is anguish and hurt feelings:

I have a friend (a woman) who experienced almost the same thing. In the context of hanging with a group of friends, she met and dated and slept with a guy, and then came to the conclusion that he wasn't long-term relationship material. She asked my advice in a way that made it clear what she was going to have to do - tell him.

So she told him, and he said, "OK, fine," and they are now, and have been for months, very friendly FWBs. It appears to be working out quite well for both of them. She is dating other people, and so is he. Everyone is still friendly.

So tell her the truth ASAP.
posted by caryatid at 6:04 PM on April 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Given what you've described, my personal preference, as a gal who is out there dating, would be to hear something like this from you:

"You know, I'm feeling like we are really better as friends than romantic partners. If you're up for that, I'd love to continue on as friends. If you're not up for being friends, I respect that."

And that's it. Straight up, respectful, no need to sugar-coat it.

If I want clarification, I'll ask. If I want to just coolly exit without a lot of painful discussion, I can do so. Somehow, that's less ego-bruising than being on the end of a "You're a wonderful person, BUT..." speech. Yuck, those rub my fur the wrong way.
posted by quivering_fantods at 7:31 PM on April 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

i personally think it depends on her level of interest. is she calling or emailing you all the time? trying to hold your hand in public? talking about future plans? being generally enthusiastic about your times together?

if any of these things are happening, yeah, talk to her. but if not, i mean, nobody likes to get fired from a job they didn't even apply for. maybe she's feeling the fizzle thing too, in which case, after a bit of a lag, you can hang out together as friends.
posted by andreapandrea at 8:14 PM on April 24, 2012

No extra sex without discussion. Just be direct and clear, and say the least necessary to be clear. Tell her what's on offer. If she wants what you are offering, let her decide that. Don't try to second guess her in advance.
posted by ead at 11:53 PM on April 24, 2012 [2 favorites]