Reality check on not caring and not knowing what to do?
April 22, 2012 11:46 AM Subscribe
I feel like something just snapped in my head. Alternatively I'm being a baby and a drama queen, but a tiny voice is telling me something isn't right and I need to ask for help. I'm not sure if the site is really for this, but I would really appreciate a reality check and for someone to tell me what to do now.
posted by anonymous to human relations (40 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop (sorry about typos on my phone) My partner and baby are at a party around the corner which I refused to go to and insisted they go without me. It's been an especially hard week but I was really happy this morning until my partner kept reminding me about the time and I started to feel like going out to socialize was just another work day. Then I refused to go out for a while, then I came out but I felt numb all the way here and just couldn't get it together to go with them. I'm not blaming my partner, I insisted and they are really upset and don't know what to do.
Things are hard right now. We are in a new city and I am having a hard time finding a job (although my partner will disagree because I haven't been turned down anywhere yet). Unless I get a well paid job we can't get anywhere to live (we are staying with family while we get settled). My partner isnt going to work because of visa stuff but also to care for our little baby, which we all agree is what we want. I know I need to just get any crappy job but I had a senior professional job before the baby and I feel like then my life will be shit for ever, as well as not being able to get somewhere nice to live. We do have a lot of savings, but this more about what I should be doing if that makes sense.
I feel so humiliated and like such a failure. I cant even drive because i need to get a license in the new place we live. I am taking lessons and renting a car to practice but i just cant do it fast or well enough. My kid doesn't care if I am here or not, there's nothing I can do for him that my partner can't. I don't feel like an adult, I am disappointing to everyone, my partner must feel like they have another child because I am not as motivated to get stuff done as them.
I feel like i just don't care anymore where I go or what happens, but that's sort of not true either because I'm not going further than this cafe because my partner has my asthma inhaler and I'm paranoid about having an attack. I should just go for a walk. I feel so numb and tired. I just spent an hour not even looking at my son and he doesn't care, I feel like I want to stop breastfeeding him, but it's something I love doing. I can't even write this question in real sentences.
Something in my head is telling me to tell my partner or someone that I don't feel right and I need help, but I guess I seem fine to them, and it seems like if I know I have a problem I must be making it up so I don't. I don't think I could get good healthcare anyway, insurance isnt an issue here, but I will not go on meds and I'm scared because a woman here got her kid taken away after telling her doctor she was depressed and we are an unusual family that will attract extra scrutiny.
Can someone just tell me what I am supposed to do? I know I can't just sit here. My partner will be here in a couple hours. How do I explain this to them, evcn that I just dont care what happens and they should do what they want and play with the baby and stuff without me?