How can I deal with neediness in the early stages of a relationship?
posted by peterf12 to Human Relations (16 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
It's going to be 2 months that I've been seeing this girl, and so far things are going well, we like each other company and have a good time.
However... since almost day 1, I've been gradually overcome by a feeling of neediness, which I assume is fed by unresolved insecurity. We clicked, and I hadn't had such a good first date in months (or years) and I soon found myself wondering: "Will this pan out? I hope it does. What if it does not? Back to the dating pool misery?" and so on.
As we were seeing each other some more, getting to know each other better both mentally and physically, the neediness increased. Most of it is happening in my head, and by that I mean, I'm not text-bombing her, or smothering her with incessant requests. I know she's busy: finishing law school, finals in a few weeks, bar exam in a few months, big circle of friends, big family. We live about 30 miles apart. I have a few good friends, but my family and closest friends live in a different state, and my social life is not as busy as hers. On top of that, I recently moved to a different job, which has been a big source of stress. Truth is, I completely prioritized her above other things. I think I'm trying to fill in many gaps (former colleagues/friends that I see less frequently, family or other friends that I miss, etc.) with her sole presence. I know it is bad, a relationship killer. I acknowledged it and can control it, but that doesn't mean I feel inner peace or less anxious or just calm and happy with the way things unfold. It's quite the opposite.
And so I'm lost, even wondering how I was doing before I met her... I was doing OK, but in retrospect, my life seemed boring and lacking and at the same time more predictable and comfortable. The lack of visibility and control on this relationship, the fact that I like this girl a lot and feel vulnerable in return, all that sent my stress level to the roof, and that feeds neediness. The rational solution seems easy (expand your social circle, get busier than ever, don't over-think it, let her set the pace, etc.) but my brain just can't register that and I can't get her out of my head.
So my questions would be, how to better deal with these nasty, negative thoughts? I can't be the only one having these thoughts, and if so, how did people in similar situations manage to not blow things up? I truly want this relationship to work out, but I fear bottling up my feelings like I'm doing right now is a recipe for disaster. (Also, just for the sake of completion: I've been initiated to mindfulness-based stress reduction techniques a few weeks back, and though the results in the long, long run may be positive, I'm looking for simple feedback, or tips or else, to cope with that in a medium term situation.)