Help me slay the nagging beast within

November 1, 2008 6:55 AM

Help! I’m a clingy, nagging girlfriend. I don’t want to be.

We’re a couple in our 20s who have been together a few years. We met on a site and are currently semi long distance. We’d like to live together at some point in the nearish future, so I’d like to have this under better control before we do that.

I don’t really have any close friends due to various past circumstances. I realize that this plays a big part in how I react. I’m overly dependent on him, especially when I get lonely. He is my social network. And I want to be more independent and stronger, for my own sake as much as for his.

He worked at home but was recently laid off. I’ve been unemployed (and looking, but no one’s calling) for some time. This of course, just makes things more stressful. If he’s busy with a project or one of his hobbies and we barely have any contact, I start to feel super lonely after 2 days. He’s kind of a semi-loner kind of geek with a strong personality, though he has a wonderful and sweet romantic side to him.

I’ve asked him to compromise and to talk with me. When he is gaming online, for example, just to take some breaks to chat with me online in between sessions. Things like that become a point of contention.

(FWIW, no I don't have any issues with him hanging out with the guys, spending time online gaming with or talking to his friends, or any of that.)

I then feel rejected, get upset, and start to nag for the attention I want. Of course, this just makes things worse and only gets me negative attention whenever it does result in any attention. He feels put upon that I’m constantly trying to change him (which isn’t my intention) and I feel like he doesn’t care about my needs (which isn’t true, but I push him away from caring with my nagging). I’m fully aware that keeping quiet or being positive, active, and busy in my own right makes it more likely I’ll get what I’m seeking. I’ve borne witness to it over and over again. So why then do I revert to this and how do I stop?

He’s truly the most unique person I’ve ever met. He feels similarly about me. We both love each other a lot and want things to work. But my nagging and dependency are posing problems. I’d like to work on that now so we don’t find it crushing us when we do move in together and make that greater commitment.

I need to learn to shut up, but more importantly, to not feel this way in the first place. I want to be free of that nagging person that I become sometimes (it feels like a monster inside). Tips on socializing (and making friends in your mid 20s) are also welcome, though budgets are tight right now.

(And yes, I’m considering therapy (or a pet), but if I can avoid going the therapy route, it’s preferable. I'm not as insecure as I might come off and am actually pretty sociable.)

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

I don't think that this is necessarily your problem. In a long-distance relationship, communication is all that you have. That is the most important part of making it work. I think that wanting to communicate with him every day or every other day is perfectly normal... especially since he's not working right now (i.e. not caught up in a major work project). Seriously, it's not asking too much. I think in most relationships, a partner might feel lonely after two days of not speaking. You are not being overly demanding. I live 20 minutes from my bf of four years, and we talk about 3 times a day by phone whether we see each other or not.

So is it worth trying to fundamentally change yourself and your needs for this guy? I don't know. But I think it's worth going to counseling to sort out why you feel his needs are more important than yours, and analyze the direction of your relationship. I've been clingy, and I've seen clingy. I don't think what you are doing is overly clingy or demanding.
posted by kimdog at 7:23 AM on November 1, 2008 [3 favorites]

"Try not to feel that way" is the most useless advice I've ever been given, so I'm not giving it to you.

Get involved in an (inexpensive) activity on your own and make additional friends through that connection. Maybe there's a charity or a political organization you can volunteer for, an alumni group for your college you can hang with, or something like that. Regular activity outside a job setting will give you a chance to forge social connections with like-minded people. It will also help you find a job through networking and, in the case of volunteer work, possibly adding to your resume.

It will also give you some breathing room socially to assess whether your boyfriend is really that special and whether your needs are excessive and clingy or just feel that way to him. Like kimdog, I'm not sure you're really that clingy, and if your needs are really that different, you may be better served by finding that out early.
posted by immlass at 8:05 AM on November 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Friends and hobbies of your own
posted by poppo at 8:08 AM on November 1, 2008 [3 favorites]

I know that I have trouble actually connecting over the phone or computer. I willingly give my full attention in person, but (especially) over the phone and on chat, I'm just instantly bored/distracted. It's not personal; I just need face-to-face for real, empathetic communication.

I don't want to oversimplify and make that a gender difference, but most of my male friends seem to be the same way.

My friend's girlfriend is German, and she recently had to return to her homeland. They use free video phone on skype everyday; maybe actually seeing one another would lead to better communication.

You need some of your own hobbies and friends. Even if your boyfriend were bending over backwards to give you what you want, you'd still need people beyond him. It still wouldn't be fair to make him your entire social circle.

Other than that; is it possible to physically visit each other more? You need to share common experiences to still feel like your connected. I assuming too much here, but maybe he doesn't communicate so much because there's nothing to talk about other than a recital of what you each did that day?
posted by spaltavian at 8:40 AM on November 1, 2008

I need to learn to shut up, but more importantly, to not feel this way in the first place.


I remember this feeling. It's a red flag. It always meant I was miserable, and it never presaged a positive change.

I'm going to tell you something discouraging. Whenever, in the past, it happened that I was too "clingy" or "needy," it wasn't because I was unreasonable; it was because the relationship was fundamentally flawed. He wasn't the right guy, or wasn't in the right place, or both.

Why are people together? Because they content each other; because they need each other and fulfill the other's need for them. If you need him more than he needs you, then there's a very basic problem. I'm not saying DTMF by any measure, and I'm not telling you what to do about it, but there it is.
posted by Countess Elena at 9:20 AM on November 1, 2008 [11 favorites]

The people who are saying that you need to get hobbies and other friends in order to feel like your own time is valuable are reading the situation arse-backwards, in my view.

I was with someone like your boyfriend for years. Everything she did was very, very important, far too important for her to interrupt it for something as inconsequential as talking to me or paying any attention to what I was doing. For years I thought that my desire to spend time with her and talk to her about the things she wanted to talk about wasn't normal, loving behaviour, but meant that I didn't have anything important in my life, not like she did. By the time she left me, I'd pretty much eliminated all of my own 'projects' anyway - the work of keeping up a one-sided relationship didn't leave me with much time or energy for them. Using hobbies to meet the needs he can't, in order to take the pressure off him, is not being independent.

He may love you very much, and he may be a wonderful, special, unique guy, but if he can't interrupt his current project a few times in a two-day period to talk to you and support you, he isn't adult enough to deal with a serious relationship. Deal with this before you end up a mess. If he's as nice as you say, you won't be doing him any favours by letting him unwittingly fuck up your life.
posted by Acheman at 9:27 AM on November 1, 2008 [6 favorites]

My husband is the same way in that he gets wrapped up in his hobbies and could go without social interaction for days at a time. Right now he's managing his little Sim city, which he's been doing for the past two days. I feel your pain.

One thing that has helped me is having a date night with him, or an activity you do together at a certain time. For my husband and me, it was the Thursday night TV lineup on NBC. I liked it because it was at a certain, set time that I could look forward to. I could tell myself, "Yes, he's busy now, but soon we'll have some time together." It also meant that I had to turn off my cell phone and put down my laptop, so it was a compromise for us both.

I'd also suggest just getting out. Even if it's just browsing around a bookstore, getting a coffee someplace, or looking around the supermarket for a unique dinner ingredient, just get out. You'll feel better for doing your own thing instead of sitting around at home waiting for your boyfriend to call or email. It worked for me, anyway.

Good luck.
posted by christinetheslp at 9:28 AM on November 1, 2008

I wasn't totally sure based on the question as to how long he'll go without having contact with you. Is it a full two days or did you mean that just talking x times a day over a two day period was not enough?
Specifically how often he does make time for contact with you makes a big difference in how I would answer this.
If he does go 2 days without any contact or just one short contact and you've been together for a few years, I would say there is something wrong on his end, and I wouldn't call it needy of you to expect more from him than that. If you're frustrated with him not talking to you 10 times a day or something, then you would more likely the one who needs to do something different.
Either way, it's a good idea to try to make friends outside of his social circle. I'm not much of a fast friend-maker either, so I totally understand how hard that can be. Joining some sort of club or getting a hobby that you can meet up with others for (like a craft or volunteering) can be really helpful. Even having your own gaming interest if you're into that would at least have you making some online friends.
posted by fructose at 9:53 AM on November 1, 2008

I’m fully aware that keeping quiet or being positive, active, and busy in my own right makes it more likely I’ll get what I’m seeking.

I understand what you're saying, in a way, but it seems to be an awfully convoluted, complicated, and stressful kind of game. We (and our partners) do of course need times when we're grown up and self-dependent and "positive". You're being this way just now, you're being objective and proactive and outgoing by trying to find out what you could do to improve your relationship and to be a better person. Yay! But we also need time when we can be clingy, needy, childlike, and not be told off, ignored, or criticized for it. Do you experience such times with your partner, at all? We need to be babies sometimes, we need our partners to parent and cuddle us, above all what is "reasonable" and "adult" and "independent", and that's perfectly ok. The needs you have for simple companionship (e.g. "...just to take some breaks to chat with me online in between sessions...") seem to be healthy and appropriate. Do not try to give them up.

Also, please do not "learn to shut up". Relationships in my experience don't fail at the point where people are somewhat annoyed, and start nagging and criticizing and trying to change their partners, but at the point where people shut up because they realize their partner isn't listening or doesn't care anyway. You have not yet arrived at that point in your relationship, and that's a good thing.

You don't seem "clingy" and "naggy" at all, because that implies you wouldn't be content no matter what your boyfried does or doesn't do. In fact, you sound like you would in fact be happy and smiling and pleasant and nice once he got away from his computer and took some interest in you. That's not clingy, that's human. Stay that way.

You both seem to be in a hard spot, so I'm not saying DTMFA or anything, but if you experience this feeling of being too much of a burden over a longer period of time, please do not blame yourself but take it as a sign that he may not be perfectly right for you (although he may be unique and great and all these things).
posted by The Toad at 10:34 AM on November 1, 2008 [10 favorites]

My boyfriend and I met (online) while I was in Afghanistan and we still managed to talk almost daily. When we couldn't, it was for a pretty good reason. Therefore:

1. Please stop blaming yourself
2. However, making friends and stuff is a good idea
posted by kavasa at 11:19 AM on November 1, 2008

I know that I have trouble actually connecting over the phone or computer. I willingly give my full attention in person, but (especially) over the phone and on chat, I'm just instantly bored/distracted. It's not personal; I just need face-to-face for real, empathetic communication.

Yes to this. I have had some unecessarily argumentative phone sessions with my woman for this very reason, until I spelled it out and tried to get her to understand. I just don't like phones, and talking on phones. It isn't you, I am not angry or unhappy with you, but I am not super-excited at the prospect of a long conversation over a fucking telephone.

Once I got her to understand she was one of the few people I was willing to converse with on the phone at all, things got better.

So maybe your man is a little bit like me?
posted by Meatbomb at 11:30 AM on November 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

I don’t really have any close friends due to various past circumstances. I realize that this plays a big part in how I react. I’m overly dependent on him, especially when I get lonely. He is my social network. And I want to be more independent and stronger, for my own sake as much as for his.

Well, you may not have the issue of distance covered yet (and believe me, having been in a long distance relationship from America with an Australian, I know about the struggles of long distance!), but you can do something about your personal life. Find something that makes you feel independent. Now, this may be a social thing, like going out, but it may be something else, too, like getting a hobby or learning something new by yourself or with others. (It does not have to cost money, either.) Do something that defines you more. It's very easy when you're in a long distance relationship to get caught up in only thinking about that relationship and its facets. Do something for you. That will strengthen your self-awareness and most likely your relationship.

I’ve asked him to compromise and to talk with me. When he is gaming online, for example, just to take some breaks to chat with me online in between sessions. Things like that become a point of contention.

Maybe I am biased as a female gamer and a girl that has mostly male friends, but I don't think it's fair when I hear girls complain about guys' gaming and not paying enough attention to them. For them to have to stop every so often and have a chat with you is no more a compromise than if he asked you to play games and not expect him to spend any other time chatting. A compromise is meeting someone in the middle. Try to find some online games you can both enjoy, and play them together. Likewise, get him to spend at least some of his normal gaming time (perhaps of the offline games) with you.

Far too many women I know complain about games without having ever played any for any length of time. Until you've done that, or tried to find a game in common, don't expect him to change his life to meet yours anymore than you do to meet his.

We both love each other a lot and want things to work. But my nagging and dependency are posing problems. I’d like to work on that now so we don’t find it crushing us when we do move in together and make that greater commitment.

I definitely recommend you do not move in together until you've sorted this out. Things do not get any easier when you move in with a person. (Not to say they get any harder, either, mind you; it's just different.)

What I recommend you do is think more about what consequences there may be, for both of you, when you get ready to say certain things. Say nothing in the heat of the moment, if possible. Right now, spending more time online with each other (I'm assuming, since you're long distance), you're probably communicating more via email and chat. Considering that, this is a great way to start thinking more about what you're saying, because you can plan your words a lot more carefully in these mediums, than in speech. If what you're about to say might have negative consequences for your relationship with your boyfriend, well, for goodness' sake, don't say it!

Also, learn good communicating skills. Try to stop using phrases like, "You make me feel..." and instead choose self-reflective phrases, like, "When you do that, I feel..." It makes it sound less like he's the direct cause of your feelings. (Some extra examples of this communication skill can be found in this book excerpt.)

I want to be free of that nagging person that I become sometimes (it feels like a monster inside). Tips on socializing (and making friends in your mid 20s) are also welcome, though budgets are tight right now.

You are completely in control of your actions, and you can choose to stop this at any point in time. If you feel yourself nagging, just stop and change your words. If you find you make a mistake, don't act like you haven't. Apologize, explain what you should have said in the first place, and then let the topic rest, if possible.

As for making friends, you may find this difficult at this point in time, given some of your circumstances. However, as great as friends are, and as needed as they are, you can do plenty of things alone. You may find it does you some good to do some things alone. If you are finding yourself very dependent on your boyfriend, there is a good chance that that is a feature in all your relationships, not just your romantic ones. Maybe consider spending some time developing acceptance and joy for yourself. Pick something you're good at (or find something you're good at), and work from there. :)

(And yes, I’m considering therapy (or a pet), but if I can avoid going the therapy route, it’s preferable. I'm not as insecure as I might come off and am actually pretty sociable.)

Therapy would be better for you, to help you relieve your anxiety, encourage independence and teach you better communicative skills. A pet will cost you a lot more (up to $13,000 over a dog's lifetime) in the long run than a therapist.

Good luck with things.
posted by metalheart at 12:01 PM on November 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

friends of your own. if you have a few acquantances (old co-workers, not-so-close friends you haven't talked to in a while), try to hang out with them more. Pick an activity they'd like to do (did they mention bowling? a thai place they wanted to try? a movie you wanted to see?) and say "oh we should do this sometime next week!" And DO NOT invite the boyfriend. I know you won't want to do that at first, it won't be as much fun as hanging with the bf at first, but over time you'll have your own social network. You'll start enjoying their company more and more.

It's a win-win! You'll have friends, and it'll be good for the relationship. Good luck
posted by KateHasQuestions at 1:02 PM on November 1, 2008

I've been with someone like your SO for six years. For the first several years, I felt very, very guilty about my desire to talk to him more and would get similarly whiny and naggy about him contacting me.

For us, the only thing that's worked is for me to get rid of the guilt. I quit seeing conversing with me as something he must inherently dread. There is, in fact, absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be in contact with your significant other daily, especially in a long-distance situation.

However, I also had to realize that I was usually going to be the one to contact him. And then I had to do so. And not feel bad about it. I came clean, and told him that I'd probably want to call him every night before bed. And you know what? He's been fine with it. It doesn't occur to him to call people, because that's just how he is, but he's totally comfortable with me calling and checking in on him. This has been integral for the past year, as we've been on opposite ends of the east coast. Usually our conversations are short, but sometimes they go on for a few hours. There's no pressure for it to be drawn out.

Would he be comfortable with you just contacting him when you want contact? You should ask him. It's entirely possible that he just doesn't think to get in touch, because it's not his relationship/communication style, but that doesn't mean that you can't reach out to him.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:11 PM on November 1, 2008

Whenever, in the past, it happened that I was too "clingy" or "needy," it wasn't because I was unreasonable; it was because the relationship was fundamentally flawed. He wasn't the right guy, or wasn't in the right place, or both.

This has been my experience, too. A relationship does not have to be hard. I'm not saying you should break up with this fellow immediately, but you might consider it if you can't make any headway on these issues after a predetermined length of time.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:55 PM on November 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Whenever, in the past, it happened that I was too "clingy" or "needy," it wasn't because I was unreasonable; it was because the relationship was fundamentally flawed. He wasn't the right guy, or wasn't in the right place, or both.

My plan was to quote this and say it's definitely true in my experience. Then TPS did so, too, so take this as three people telling you that this is often a bad sign.

So, you have a group of people on one side telling you that this guy has red flags all over his head, and then you have another group of people telling you that it doesn't mean anything. How are you supposed to know what is right?

I think the answer will come from you attempting to have a reasonable conversation with your boyfriend about this issue. Do not whine. Do not say "you need to x." From the way you describe his responses to your attempts to talk about this, it sounds like you may be presenting the problem in poor light. What you need to do is very calmly lay out what the problem, for your end, is: "When we go long periods of time without talking, it makes me feel insecure. When you are too busy playing a game to talk to me, it makes me feel like I am not important to you." Make it very clear that this is not HIS fault, nor is it YOUR fault -- it's just a problem both of you are facing. Make it very clear that you're goal is to get him to understand your point of view, not change his. If he gets angry about this--if your calm, honest expression of your feelings makes him feel threatened or leads to him blaming you for your feelings, then this is a problem.

However, you can't just leave it at expressing yourself. You're also going to have to give him the chance to explain himself. Don't go into this conversation just wanting him to listen to your complaints. Also listen to his. Have it be your goal to find out what's going on in his head when he doesn't talk to you for long periods. Ask him straightforward, non-judgmental questions and be genuinely interested in knowing the answer.

The point of this conversation is for the two of you to communicate how each of you feels in a mature, controlled way. The point is to get across to each other what's going on, so that each of you can understand the situation better. If he refuses to see this as in any way a problem deserving of his attention (if he insists that it's all your problem, something you alone need to fix), or if he gets overly defensive, or if he is just completely unwilling to discuss this with you... Well, then there is something very not good going on. But if he participates in this conversation openly and freely, then the others are probably right, and this probably is a clash of personalities that can be worked around.
posted by Ms. Saint at 5:36 PM on November 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

I live with a gamer. It caused a lot of problems in his previous relationship. His brother is a gamer and his sister-in-law and I spend a lot of time talking about the issues. The games don't cause a riff in our relationship, but they cause a riff in their relationship.

And here's why: MODERATION.

I don't think it's out of the question to ask him to stop to talk to you. My s/o and I have a pretty nice system worked out. If I'm busy, then it's fine for him to game, but it's not okay for him to walk in the door from work and spend the entire evening gaming and not talking to me. That makes me feel less important than his game, and as if he might as well have stayed at work rather than coming home.

He used to be the kid of guy who would stay up for 3 days straight gaming, before we met. That's just unacceptable now. He plays for 2-3 hours a night, and feels satisfied with it. I think the big reason that he's satisfied is because every Tuesday night is Guys' Night. We both know that there are no restrictions on Guys' Night and that he can play for as much and as long as he wants. I don't resent him playing, and he gets to play as much as he can cram in before the night is out. I go to bed early that night to get ready for my early Wed morning, and we never seem to have any conflict about it.

The point being, your boyfriend CAN learn to moderate his behavior to be able to be present in your relationship. When my s/o and I were long distance, it was never an issue to stop playing to talk to me 2-3 times a day. Like your boyfriend, he was unemployed, so the rest of the day was his to play. It might be, as it was the case with my boyfriend, that the gaming is WHY he's unemployed. Why stop to call potential employers or do another application when you're about to level?

I think gaming becomes a crutch for guys like this. It's a social activity, to a certain extent, and you can still feel productive without being productive. I realize that the gaming issue wasn't central to your question, but to me, it seems like tackling it could make a big difference for your relationship.
posted by messylissa at 5:57 PM on November 1, 2008

If I'm busy, then it's fine for him to game, but it's not okay for him to walk in the door from work and spend the entire evening gaming and not talking to me.

So he has to revolve his hobbies, life and want to talk around whether you're busy or not? Jesus, game with him sometime!

How is this sort of thing a compromise?

Have to say that I feel more for the guys from some of these comments.
posted by metalheart at 9:22 PM on November 1, 2008

I saw myself in your description, and I am wondering if there is a history of alcoholism, addiction, or dysfunction anywhere in your family. If so, I suggest you check out Al-Anon (group for family members of alcoholics and addicts) or CoDA (short for Co-Dependents Anonymous). These groups have helped me a ton with the insidiously destructive effects of these problems on the famiy dynamic and each of its members.

Also, there is a great book called The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. If nothing else, take a look at this website and from the book's publisher and see if it doesn't help. Good luck to you...
posted by mynameismandab at 12:20 AM on November 2, 2008

Hah, I was in a similar position before. It wasn't long distance, but I wanted him to take breaks in his day-long gaming marathons to actually talk to me, and it made him angry; he was attracted to me because I liked games too, and I guess he felt it was unfair that I would want him to do anything that would make the relationship successful. Since I got less and less of what I needed from the relationship, I would bring it up more and more which only made problems worse.

So yeah, there's a way in which you're nagging him -- repeatedly asking him to do something he doesn't want to -- but are you being unreasonable? Asking him to take a few breaks and talk to you doesn't sound unreasonable to me. To the contrary, you sound very understanding and willing to accommodate him, but he doesn't seem willing to return the favor. You're in a long distance relationship. If he won't take time to talk to you, then what relationship do you even have?

I loved my guy too and we had a lot in common. But relationships take more than love and having something in common. If you want to spend more time with him than he wants to spend with you, and if your attempts to resolve this have just pissed him off, then you're not as well-suited to each other as you think. Something like that, I think, is a dealbreaker. I'm sympathetic because I struggled through it and desperately wanted it to work, too, but there's nothing you can do to make him want to talk to you more if he doesn't.

I think part of the problem is this: there is a perception that if one partner wants to spend lots of time with the other, but the other wants more time alone, than the former must be clingy. Since that's your situation, you think, "Great, I'm the clingy one." That's an unreasonable way to look at it, though. People have different tolerances for how much time they want to spend with other people, especially their SOs. There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a lot of time with your boyfriend. Plenty of couples spend huge amounts of time together and love it. There is nothing inherently wrong with your boyfriend wanting lots of time to himself, either. What is wrong in this situation is that you two can't both get what you want. You'd both be better off with people who want similar amounts of interaction.

It's admirable that you want to be more independent. It just doesn't sound like it's a real problem, though. I know, I know, you love you him and you're thinking, "Well, maybe if I do this or that, maybe if I try really hard, maybe I'll be less irritating to him. It's not really changing myself, it's trying to be a better person." I disagree: I think you are changing something for him, and it's not something you'd have to change for someone else.

I moved on to a guy that wants to spend the same amount of time together that I do. There is no drama whatsoever, and I have all the same things in common with him as I did with my ex, plus more. I think you could find someone who appreciates that you want to spend time with them, and that you would be much happier if you did. I hope you give it serious consideration. Feel free to MeFi Mail me if you like. Good luck!
posted by Nattie at 12:24 AM on November 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

What Countess Elena and Acheman said. christinetheslp's solution may work for some, but personally I'd feel terrible being in a relationship where I knew we'd only have quality time one night a week, and that it had to be scheduled in.
posted by timoni at 1:10 AM on November 2, 2008

I'd say that you need to get involved in activities you like, or you need to end this relationship and work on the issues you have with clinging and neediness. It's never a good sign when you depend on another for all or most of your social interaction.

I went out with a girl who could be you exactly. I'm a guy, and it didn't last because I felt too much pressure to talk to her for hours a day, even when I'd rather have been doing something else.
posted by reenum at 9:03 AM on November 2, 2008

nthing Countess Elena.

I've had guys accuse me of being needy. I've had guys accuse me of being "too independent". I've had guys who played this passive aggressive game of ignoring me for three days when I said, "hey, gotta go do this thing that's going to keep me busy for the next week or so, probably won't hvae time to hang out".

It is okay to be someone who needs a lot of attention. You just have to find someone who doesn't feel put upon giving that attention to you. One of my best friends in the world who is even more of feminist independent type person, is always super up front that she needs a lot of attention. Some guys can hack it, some guys can't.

here's the thing: if i REALLY like someone, there *IS* time to send a three-second text message. there just is. there is time for a voicemail. there is time for a quick email. Unless you are engaged in active military duty, are studying for the bar, or in some kind of profession (trying to think of good example involving medicine or law enforcement where PEOPLE'S LIVES DEPEND ON YOUR ATTENTION) - I do not buy that you do not have time to reach out to someone you are in a relationship with. because it's not about having time, it's about finding it or making it. PERIOD.

long distance is tough because as others have said, all you have is that email or that phone call. here's the deal, though - even if he wasn't your social network, and you were going out and doing a ton of other things, you would STILL be anxious that you didn't hear from him. he is treating interacting with you as a burden.

i'm sorry, i mean, i know you say he can be sweet and romantic, but most of this sounds like a guy who doesn't want to really be in a relationship. he's not going to change. you're not going to stop needing to interact with him. you need to be with someone who will respect what you need and at least discuss it with you and try to find a compromise. but at least discuss it with you.
posted by micawber at 6:32 PM on November 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

@metalheart: Not to detract from the post, but to be fair, I'm a grad student, so I often have to work at home, so it's convenient for our relationship that he games. When I work really hard to be done by the time he gets home, it's nice to have some time together that we aren't sharing with either my thesis or a game.
posted by messylissa at 7:31 PM on November 2, 2008