How can I help myself when I don't deserve help?
April 11, 2012 5:58 AM Subscribe
How do I help myself when I feel like I don't deserve it?
posted by anonymous to health & fitness (17 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
I've struggled with my mental health (depression, OCD, and anxiety) for the majority of my life (I'm 24), and within the past year or so it has gotten much worse, and right now is unbearable.
I have good days/weeks/hours, but they never last, and recently I was in the hospital when things got so bad I was feeling suicidal, which was a very traumatizing experience where I was mostly left alone in an ER for hours and hours and received no actual care. I've been unable to find a good therapist although I was looking, the one I had started seeing did something that really betrayed my trust/I didn't really feel comfortable with.
I feel like a worthless, awful person and I am sure everyone feels the same. Despite my diagnoses my problem is that lately I've stopped believing it's a matter of illness, and started very sincerely believing it's a matter of my own personal weakness and failure. I can't make myself take the SSRI that's been prescribed to me because I feel like I don't deserve to, that I am just a big faker who needs to try that much harder on my own, that it's my fault.
It's very difficult to do the basic things I need to do to care for myself, even trying what I think is my hardest (buying and eating food, sleeping, keeping my living space livable, looking for work, let alone any of the things that give me pleasure or comfort) and I have lost hope that I will ever be well, even if I do, somehow, convince myself it's okay to give meds and therapy a chance. A good description for how I usually feel is that something is slowly crushing or draining me from the inside.
My family is not a reliable source of help, and I am constantly afraid of burdening my friends too much and I don't want to make them hate me. I would appreciate some advice on what I should do, because I am very confused and ashamed and in a lot of pain.
Also, please be gentle! This is my first personal AskMe.