Melt the ice queen
February 12, 2012 11:01 AM Subscribe
I despise my best friend's girlfriend. How do I let go and just be happy for him?
posted by anonymous to human relations (42 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
Long story: I'm a woman, my best friend is a man. We've always been scary close, and know each other inside and out. We're an awesome team. I love him to death, and I know he loves me. He's the most interesting, passionate, clever person I know. And I haven't talked to him in over a year because I can't stand the person he's dating.
When his girlfriend was first interested in him, she was probably very threatened by me. She made a point of ignoring me, was extremely rude to me, and did everything she could to isolate him from our group of friends. I have a really low opinion of her because of how she treated me, and what he's told me about how she behaves in their relationship.
I know that I sound like a jealous girlfriend here. I'm not romantically interested in him, and I haven't been jealous of other women he's dated. Usually I'm interested in meeting anyone that he finds interesting, and I've been good friends with his girlfriends. In this particular case though, yes, I am a crazy possessive bitch and have crossed the line from friendship to something bitter and ugly. Ugh!
Anyway. At first I thought I could just wait it out. But it's been three years and I'm just now resigning myself to the idea that I might have to get over my issues because I could be waiting a very long time (and even if it does end, it doesn't mean that I've won, or that he wasn't ever close to her, you know?). I don't want to miss out on this friendship. Whenever I think about it I feel this solid mass of hurt and anger and I can only be charitable for a few seconds before deciding, "Well, fuck it." I don't want to wake up 20 years from now and still feel that same hard lump in my chest. I need your help, Metafilter.
Short version: For various reasons I despise my best friend's girlfriend and I feel betrayed by my friend, and though I know it's none of my goddamn business, I can't seem to get over it.
I've been trying to use CBT techniques, and meditation, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. What tools have you used to deal with something like this? What thoughts do you repeat to yourself? How do I change my internal dialogue about this?
Other details: I now live on the other side of the country from him and his girlfriend. We used to talk on the phone and email a lot, but neither of us has initiated in a long time. My friend and I have discussed this, he knows how I feel, and has acknowledged that his girlfriend treated me really poorly. Nothing seems to change after we talk, and I'm tired of having the same conversation. I guess I also don't really know what I want from him, except for his relationship to end. As long as that's not going to happen, and as long as I can't be happy for him, I feel like I should just stay very far away.