Staying Friends

December 25, 2011 9:00 AM

Two weeks ago, my partner of 7 years informed me that we are no longer a couple. We are going to continue to live together for now, with no plans to change the living arrangements. So far, things have been quite amicable between us, and I would like that to continue. What can I do to help us handle this with grace and maturity?

Important details:
- we are a same-sex couple (male)
- he owns the house, but I have invested lots of time and money in maintenance and improvement, including the garden (my pride and joy). In fact, later today I will be taping and mudding the basement bedroom I sheetrocked last week.
- we have cats together
- I am on his insurance
- Right now I couldn't afford to move out, even if I wanted to.
- We really do get along well as friends
- Reconciliation is not going to happen

We've been doing well these past two weeks. Our domestic life is basically normal. He has already started dating. I'm not too bothered by that, and we've talked about it. Still feels weird that he's probably going to celebrate new years eve with someone else this year.

We've agreed that for a while, we won't bring any romantic prospects back to the house. He's more of a traditionalist, whereas I'm anticipating that I'll go through a period of promiscuity, once I'm comfortable with this change in our lives.

I still care about him, and want him to be happy. I'm glad he's willing to continue our lives together for now (he showed me the paperwork proving I am on his insurance for all of 2012). As I've told my family and friends, he has been nothing but good to me and good for me. There will be many issues to work out over the coming months (cat custody, ugh).

So I think I'm handling it well so far. I know I have to prepare myself for eventually moving out, since the current situation is not long-term sustainable. He is a mature and stable person, not prone to dramatics.

We are in separate bedrooms. We continue in our daily lives as normal as we can.

I did tell him that if I send him a text "Are you OK?" that it means just that. It doesn't mean "where are you" or "who are you with" etc.

I am looking for advice on what I can do to make this transition as painless as possible for both of us.

posted by yesster to Human Relations (8 answers total)

I was in your position two years ago. My big takeaway: it's not really over until you've got your own place. And honestly, until you do, you should probably hold off on dating.

You're also going to want to find some new friends who don't know your ex. (Your mutual friends are going to unleash a torrent of concern that gets a little draining after a while. And then people will start telling you the things they've secretly disliked about him all along. Feel free to tell them you don't want to hear it.)

Change is hard, even when it's for the better. Memail me if you want to talk.
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:21 AM on December 25, 2011

People are going to tell you this is a REALLY BAD IDEA and JUST MOVE OUT DO WHATEVER IT TAKES and BLAH BLAH BLAH. They might be right (this is true for some people), but they might be wrong: I live with my ex (together 6-7 years, now broken up for a year or so, we are now both seeing other people), and lived with my previous ex for a year or so after we broke up as well, and both times it was a good idea, on the whole. Of course there will be things that are difficult but, you know, there isn't an option for breakups where everything is easy and nothing is horrible. I had a pile of friends who had more traditional relationship endings at around the same time as mine, and they didn't seem to have a better time of it.

Things that were important and helpful for me:

• Talking about how bringing people home will work at least a month or two before it was likely to come up.
• Expecting it to not be okay sometimes; if you expect it to just definitely be all right, it'll be difficult to deal with the parts that aren't
• Not talking to each other too much about unrelated emotional stuff for a while, but being able to talk about the bits of living together that you find hard from a practical point of view
• Making time to do nice things together sometimes to establish that you can still enjoy each other's company in the new context
• Consciously steering clear of the definitely coupley stuff like always knowing where the other is, assuming you'll obviously be eating together if you're both in, etc
• Shrugging and saying "maybe, we'll see" when friends tell you it's a bad idea
• Doing plenty of things with unshared friends, ideally including things in the house
• Casually mentioning people you or they are seeing where appropriate, but not trying to find out too much or doing internet research on them

posted by severalbees at 9:27 AM on December 25, 2011

The "what about bringing people home" conversation is a must. I recommend that for a while, "don't" or "scheduled so the other person will know to be elsewhere" should be the rule. You might think you're fine, but... Anyway, obviously it's his house, so that would be a favor to you that can't be kept up forever.

Also, make a code word now that means, "hey generally I'm ok and happy for you and still your good friend but right now I want to take a break from this conversation about you having a good time without me." You'll have your blue moods and jealousy pangs from time to time and it doesn't mean it's not working.
posted by ctmf at 11:34 AM on December 25, 2011

It seems like one potentially sticky issue is that you've put a lot of work into the house, and now possibly will see that investment disappear. Perhaps one solution is that for the time you remain in the house, you do so gratis, with the understanding that it's a small recompense for the time you've put into it.
posted by awesomebrad at 3:12 PM on December 25, 2011

I think the home ownership issue is likely to be a pretty major sticking point here. I also think having an explicit conversation about it might be tough to do--maybe even counterproductive for you, because if you start discussing it rationally, he may want you to pay rent. Who knows though--that may be OK. Personally, I'd be scouting for a backup housing option for myself.
posted by yellowcandy at 4:03 PM on December 25, 2011

Are you on the same page about the house-- how long you can live in it, rent if any, who does what chores? When you're doing work on the house like sheetrocking, that seems like a situation that both sides have very different assumptions about, and it could save aggravation later if you talk it through.
posted by zompist at 7:32 PM on December 25, 2011

Yeah, I would speak to a lawyer (alone). You living there so long, and putting so much work into the house and property over the years—I don't know... would the law still consider it 100% his house?

This is something you might not know unless you ask a lawyer familiar with such things. (And it’s something better to know now, instead of one day when he comes home and hands you 30-days-notice)
posted by blueberry at 8:39 PM on December 25, 2011

Thank you all for your contributions. I have nothing to say at this point. Kind of doing a time-out right now. No favorites or best because I don't know what's happening.
posted by yesster at 9:16 PM on January 9, 2012