April 28, 2011 4:05 PM Subscribe
My same-sex partner and I have separated (to my shock and opposition) after a few years of hard financial times. While I am holding out hope that she will come to her senses, I need help deciding on what to do (especially regarding our house) in case we can't resolve our issues.
posted by anonymous to human relations (9 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
We've been together for over 5 years. She makes a professional salary, and while I have held a para-professional position throughout our relationship, burger-flippers make more than me. Over the last 3 years, I have gone back to school to get a MLIS degree in order to qualify for higher paying jobs. And then the economy collapsed. And then library funding was slashed. Plus, my library's working environment has been contentious at best. Faculty cry on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. But, it's pretty much the only game in town. Which is one of the problems - other than employment, this town is pretty rad. I have a great community. Something I've been searching for my whole life. And it's completely intertwined with the life I built with my partner. I feel shattered by this because it's as if the culmination of 5 years of work is just within reach, but about to be smacked away.
It's been a rough year, and I know it's taken a toll on her. I have taken other steps to improve our situation. I've been going to therapy, and some sessions in the beginning (4 months ago) she attended with me. When questioned, she said 100% she wanted to stay in the relationship, she loved me, etc. My anxious, depressive mood (brought on by lack of opportunity in my field, both locally and globally) has significantly improved. I'm not bringing home my work issues anymore. I have had some big-time interviews. And now, four months later, her tune has changed. She says she can't do it anymore and that we're done. While she has come with me for a few more sessions to my therapist, she refuses to go to a couples counselor. I know she is stubborn and don't expect her to change her mind any time soon (even though I hope she does). She claims she still cares for me and this is very unusual behavior for her. I don't know how long I should wait to see if she has second thoughts.
I have been staying in the house, and she with friends. This is not sustainable in the long run. She bought the house before we met, but I came on as co-owner 3 years after plunking down a chunk of money. Since then, we have paid the mortgage equally, and split the cost of significant property improvements (remodeling and outbuilding). There have been other improvements to the house that may not have been as equal (like roof, furnace, water heater, electrical improvements), but I have also put in a LOT of sweat equity. Currently at my salary, there is no way I could carry the mortgage myself. However, with the potential new faculty-level jobs that would double my salary I would be able to carry the mortgage. I just have to wait a little bit (prob 2-3 months) to find out if I will be getting them. Regardless, I have no savings to buy her out. Another part of me thinks it would be wise to have the opposite happen. But if this is the case, how would I go about calculating a fair buyout?
So to sum up the questions:
1. Advice regarding how long I should wait to see if she's just having a lash-out flip-out.
2. Short-term residence
3. Long term what to do with the house.