"Haven't I seen you before, like every morning at the same bus stop?"

November 18, 2011 2:24 AM

Do you interact with the proverbial familiar stranger? In particular, have you felt compelled to interact when crossing paths outside of the "usual spot"?

When waiting around for the bus I'm usually content to keep to myself. In the morning I'm groggy, and after work I'm exhausted. And though I'm not averse to small talk, I err on the side of caution and assume others would rather be left alone also. It's also the path of least resistance.

But I've wondered what would happen if I ran into them somewhere else, and you clearly recognize each other. Did you just give a brief acknowledgement, or did you finally fulfill your curiosity about where the heck do they go to work every day? Or joke about how the bus is never on time? Plus, there's something inherently weird about greeting someone you've ignored countless times before.

I guess this could also happen in reverse if you work in a large company and bump into a distant co-worker outside of work. Or with store clerks you always see.

What's your experience been? I assume this happens rather often in small cities. And then it completely changes the dynamic of subsequent meetings at the usual spot, which could be for better, or worse ("Well, now I have an incentive to catch the earlier bus...").

posted by TheSecretDecoderRing to Human Relations (21 answers total)

I don't usually talk to these strangers, but I definitely give them a smile as if we share in a secret of knowing where we've been earlier.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:26 AM on November 18, 2011

Sometimes I say hi first, before I realize that I don't actual know them, I just recognize them. But then I like to go back to maybe just nodding- early am small talk can be tough! Just like Seinfeld said 'acknowledge, acknowledge' should be good.
posted by bquarters at 3:27 AM on November 18, 2011

There are a lot of people I only recognize in context. I don't know if that's a normal human thing, or a quirk of my brain. There are coworker/clients that I have run into at the grocery store that I have drawn complete blanks on because they weren't sitting behind their desks.

This usually ends up with a "hey, that was crazy, right?" the next time we see each other in normal context, and that's about it.

But I always feel compelled to acknowledge somehow. It depends on the relationship. I was next to the CEO of my company filling up at the cheap gas station, and just said "hey, how is it going?" and then went on with our business. Seemed good enough to me. To me, it feels rude to not acknowledge, but there is almost no social requirement that it has to be lengthy or awkward. Sometimes familiar, "hey, we are stuck on escalators passing each other in opposite directions, great to see you for these few seconds" eye contact is enough.
posted by gjc at 5:09 AM on November 18, 2011

I forgot about two weird ones: I was in Wisconsin Dells, and practically tripped over the owner of the McDonald's I worked at. I said hello, he deadpanned "did I give you the day off today!?!", I didn't get the joke and panicked and then he said something like "I'm just yanking your chain" and we chatted for a minute. I feel like it added a bit of depth to our work relationship.

The other one was odder. The family was in New York for a graduation. We were all out for the stressful family sightseeing death march, and my grandfather said he was tired and wanted to go take a nap. About an hour later, I've met up with a friend and we are wandering around. Ahead of us, I see an old man talking to strangers. I poke my friend and say "that's my grandfather". He responds "oh, your grandfather likes talking to strangers like that guy does?" I said "no, that is literally my grandfather". In that case, I left him alone. One, because he hadn't seen us, and two, because he clearly wanted to be out on his own, awash in the chaos of midtown.
posted by gjc at 5:21 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

Some people do, some people don't. It depends on how friendly you're feeling at the moment, and on how they respond.

If it helps to know, it's often received well; there was a guy who was a year ahead of me in the acting studio I went to in college; we never had classes together, but we passed each other in the hall often enough that we recognized each other's face, and after a few months he started smiling and saying "hi" when he saw me in the hall -- then that graduated to smiling and saying "hi" when he saw me out on the rest of campus. We were always both in a huge rush past each other and never had a chance to talk further, but I was always pleased, and usually said "hi" back, and the impression I got was that he was just a really, really nice guy. (Who then did pretty good for himself after college...)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:36 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

I usually chat people up if I encounter them on a regular basis. Most are receptive to cheerful small talk, and appreciate being acknowledged by you. Just put yourself in their shoes - would you be affronted if a friendly stranger started talking to you? You can tell pretty quickly when someone's a grump. In that case, back off and don't take it personally.

Greet said stranger with a smile, see if they smile back, and proceed from there.
posted by sunnychef88 at 6:02 AM on November 18, 2011

I am quite frequently the chatee because I'm recognizable in my community, and typically I'm flattered though sometimes at a bit of a disadvantage because they recognize me and I can't place them out of context. (In fact, I will say, "I'm having the hardest time placing you out of context!" if they don't introduce themselves. Also useful: "I'm sorry, I was in my grocery shopping happy place, I didn't even see you!" So if it's awkward to keep saying "hi" you can say, "Whoa, sorry, I missed you completely, I was spacing out because the coffee hasn't kicked in!")

Usually just small talk. Now that I have kids people like store clerks that I see frequently will comment on how adorable/getting-big/chubby-cheeked they are, which I think is often a safer road than commenting on purchases. Also popular topics: Unseasonable warmness, unseasonable coldness, has it stopped raining?, what is this, a monsoon?, can you believe it's snowing? I love snow! I hate snow! I had to get out my winter jacket today! On public transit, things mentioned in ads: My daughter's totally into Twilight, I think I'm going to be forced to take her to the movie; Those Old Spice ads were hilarious; Oh, look, it's Elizabeth Moss for headache medicine! I love her!

I run into my ob/gyn socially from time to time, and the first time she and I and our husband were all chatting when we ran into each other at this very formal restaurant, and running into my doctor outside of doctoring was just making me giggle, and I'd just been in for my annual a few days before, and I was absolutely dying to say, "So, Doctor's Husband, you're the only person here unfamiliar with my vagina." BUT I DIDN'T. But I told my ob/gyn later and she cracked the hell up and said she'd heard worse, like a woman who ran over to her at a party shouting, "OH MY GOD YOU DID THE BEST JOB WITH MY VAG!" So ... don't do that?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:20 AM on November 18, 2011 [3 favorites]

(our husbandS. We each had one. We weren't sharing just the one.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:21 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

I ran into my therapist at a Girls Night Out event in New York. We acknowledged each other with eye contact and a nod, that was it. With others, I will share a smile and nod and sometimes a "hello". I've joked with one person, "It's nice to see a familiar face!" and we left it at that.

It's actually much less awkward than I expected.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:26 AM on November 18, 2011

Sometimes I run into people at the store or something that I see a lot at work but haven't been introduced to, usually I just give them a smile and a nod. I used to worry that people wouldn't recognize me and think I was some creep but now I figure that if I've seen someone enough to remember their face they probably remember me too.
posted by ghharr at 7:37 AM on November 18, 2011

Sometimes I see my gyno at my usual grocery store - I don't say anything because I figure she's not gonna recognize me at that angle and she's a bit of a "mean girl" anyway. Times I've run into familar strangers out of context I've usually had a cool conversation and then kicked myself just a little bit for not getting to know them earlier!
posted by Wylie Kyoto at 8:20 AM on November 18, 2011

I usually say hello, and continue the conversation if it seems like there's interest. I haven't made any important friendships this way, but it has broken the ice to the extent that I do now sometimes talk briefly with these people at the bus stop or on the bus.

In one case I did have guy who decided I knew everything about computers and technology and who would pester for the whole bus ride about how he, a non-technical salesman, could create his own operating system. I would usually try not to sit near him, and after about a year he got a different job and stopped taking the bus.

(Meta-chatfilter?)
posted by contraption at 8:21 AM on November 18, 2011

Small talk!

In the hands of a master, it can be impressive. I know someone who (not exaggerating) meets two or three new people every single day. People who generally remain conversation-accepting acquaintances and/or friends thereafter.

Watching this in action has made me vow to improve my skill. That and face-name memory. Worth their weight in gold.
posted by ead at 8:32 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

Several years ago, right after moving back to the small city where I live, I was walking down the street when I spotted a strikingly familiar fellow walking toward me. As we got closer, I ran through the possibilities: is he another adult student from one of my classes? Did we go to high school together years ago? Is he a friend-of-a-friend? Is he a friend from my youth, all grown up? Is he a customer of mine at one of my previous jobs, or am I a customer of his?

Of course, I was running through these possible contexts so that I could greet him with the appropriate level of friendliness. Is he a passing acquaintance? Nod and smile or wave, and keep walking. But if he's an old friend, it would be a little aloof to wave and blow on past.

I couldn't place him, so I gave the tiniest of waves and the mildest of smiles and kept moving. He waved and smiled back.

And when I saw him a few days later, we did the same thing: raise a hand in greeting, give the half-smile, and keep walking. And this is what we did for the next dozen or so meetings: passing on the sidewalk, at the library doors, in the grocery store, wherever. We must have some similarity of schedule and taste because I bump into this guy regularly.

At some point, I noticed that he started looking at me more carefully. He couldn't figure out where we knew each other from either!

And then I realized: I know his face but he doesn't know mine. He's an anchor from the local news. (I don't have broadcast TV these days, so I haven't rseen him on TV since we started waving at each other. But I'd previously seen him on TV for years, so the face is very familiar.)

The next time I saw him --- walking down the library's long exit ramp while I was walking up the entrance ramp --- I suppressed my impulse to raise my hand in greeting. C'mon, I don't know this guy! And more to the point, he doesn't know me!

And then he upped the ante: he waved and said "Hello!" And now, every time I see him, he gives me a hearty hello and I give it right back.

And that's the story of how I accidentally trained a local news anchor to greet a complete stranger.
posted by Elsa at 9:23 AM on November 18, 2011 [19 favorites]

My problem is that when I see familiar strangers out of context all I can think is "I know that person from somewhere...but where???" Then I panic because I worry that maybe I should know their name or enough about them to ask "hey, how's Bob?" or whatever. So I desperately try to avoid eye contact and pretend I didn't see them in the first place.

I'm not saying it's the best way to deal with the situation, of course. Beats drawing a gun and shooting them dead, though.

I've always wished I had the chutzpah to just go up to people and say "I'm so sorry, you wouldn't have to remember your name, would you?"
posted by yoink at 10:27 AM on November 18, 2011

Oh man, this question.
I've actually been considering posting the opposite question: "I interacted with a stranger I happened to see every day and now I am taking measures to deliberately avoid them, halp!"

I am generally a reluctant introvert. I don't want to be one, but I am. And yeah, I have a couple of familiar strangers I see every day. One person in particular I always found myself waiting at a bus stop with, they were older and seemed quiet and low-key, and I could tell they wanted to talk to me probably due to seeing me everywhere all the time. So eventually we started making small talk about waiting for the bus and checking the schedule on our newfangled smart phones and such and it was very nonspecific and nice.

I think it was when I ran into them elsewhere and interacted outside the usual spot that it was perhaps a step too far. I had assumed we might chat lamely once or twice and then never again, but oh no. Turns out that this person loves to talk, often about things they like to do, one of those things being politics-related, so then politics got involved. Suddenly my commutes are this socially draining experience and I'm counting the bus stops until I get to work.

So now on mornings when I don't want to talk (all of them), I peek out my window and wait for this person to catch the first bus and then go out and wait. I am deeply ashamed that I do this, but there it is.

Don't get me wrong, it was and is all very nice sometimes, but dear god I wish I could take it back because it now means either actively avoiding or constantly experiencing the disruption of my life at a time when I would rather just read my book or read metafilter on my phone or stare out the window at the traffic and not have to justify it to anyone. Ah.

So my answer to you is: keep it restricted to a smile and/or nod or at most a "good morning" unless you are willing to actively handle the worst case scenario (I clearly cannot) or catch the early bus (but what if they show up?!).
posted by ghostbikes at 11:47 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

This has happened to me many, many times in the large city where I live, and I love the sense of kismet such encounters bring. I usually have said hi first, although sometimes others have initiated the pleasantries. I never really find the exchanges awkward or creepy. Even if it's by someone I don't know! Example from this summer:

Vegan ice cream store clerk in Manhattan: "Hey, I saw you walking down X Brooklyn Street with your friend this morning at 11, she had black hair. You got on the subway ahead of me. I live a block over."

"Why yes, that's me!" (Inner thrill of kismet!).

The only times I have been weirded out by these random encounters have been when I have run into the same celebrity over and over, totally randomly. There are about 3-4 famous people I have been bumping into pretty regularly for several years. If it were someone who wasn't famous I would have said hi, but instead I chose not to because of the celebrity factor, which is a unique social minefield in these cases. Who wants to come off as a creepy stalker?! Like I was sitting at a cafe with my bf and this famous singer sat behind us for hours. A couple of weeks later she got on the subway and sat across from me. I would have recognized her even if she were some stranger because she has very unique features. We got off at the same stop, I said nothing. This happens to me now and then, I never really know what to do, and it IS actually weird.
posted by devymetal at 12:01 PM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

First of all, you should read this, because it is hilarious.

I have a public-facing job, and a really bad memory for names, so I often find myself seeing people I have met through my job while out in the real world. I think a smile and a nod are good enough--if people want to escalate to real conversation, that is totally fine with me. But I've never had an encounter with a near-stranger that makes me want to change my routine in order to avoid them. Go strike up a conversation!
posted by zoetrope at 2:59 PM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

The weirdest time this happened to me was when I passed a lady who works at my post office as I was being wheeled down the hall after my c-section. We recognized each other and she waved and said hello and I said hello back. Turns out her daughter was having a baby at the same time. So now we have that in common and talk about my kid/her grandkid whenever I go in to mail a package. It's nice.
posted by TallulahBankhead at 8:13 PM on November 18, 2011

i like this question! last week i was walking down the street and i saw someone i recognized walking toward me. i realized i knew him from a coffee shop near my work, and i am enough of a regular there that i knew he'd recognize me. as we got closer to passing one another, i wondered whether i should say anything but he beat me to it. he said hello and smiled, and kept walking, and i did the same. it was strange and nice. when i went to the coffee shop this past Monday we carried on as normal, like the sidewalk thing didn't need to be acknowledged.
posted by gursky at 10:34 PM on November 18, 2011

I may be the odd person out when I say I don't find such encounters particularly awkward. For me, awkward is when your acquaintances decide to split the dinner bill even though you had an olive and they had the gold-plated steak tartare.

Nah, these kinds of experiences feel like a nice time to connect with another human being. They're probably feeling as awkward as you are, and putting them at ease with a friendly smile and nod is probably brightening their day.

Sure, sometimes you get Chatty McChatterson who thereafter goes into excruciating detail about how long it took him to tie his shoelaces this morning because, gosh, his right index finger got nipped by his new puppy. If you feel you're enabling his rambling, there's not a lot of harm in stopping him between sentences and telling him TTYL.
posted by Talisman at 2:59 PM on November 19, 2011