Toto, how do we get back to Kansas?
November 18, 2011 12:23 AM   Subscribe

What is it like to have a home to go back to? How do you cope if you don't have one?

Long, way too detailed question ahead…

One of the things I struggle with in getting over my childhood is the idea that I don't really have a home and never had one. My home growing up wasn't safe; I left pretty young; and if anything goes wrong in my life, I have no "parents' basement" that I can crash in while I figure things out.

It occurred to me recently that I may be overestimating how wonderful it is to be able to go home as an adult. I always snark when people say things like "Oh no! I may have to go live at my parents' house for a while if this doesn't work out" -- because my fondest dream would be to have a parents' house to crash at if things don't work out.

I know that I've limited the amount of risk I take in life (my college major, the jobs I've chosen, travel I've decided against, being extremely frugal) because of fear that I would have nowhere to go if things went wrong. I'm afraid that I have nowhere to go if it doesn't work out. i've always thought this was because I didn't have anywhere to go home to, but maybe it's not. Maybe it's just normal 20-something angst.

I have trouble doing things I'm passionate about because I have this image in my head of loving parents who would open their doors for me and let me into their home and let me vent about my troubles and help me get back on my feet. It leaves a big gaping hole in my heart. I'm terribly, deeply, painfully jealous of other family members who can always go home, whose parents financially support them as they pursue their dreams for years on end (as writers and artists), who are welcomed with open arms no matter what their foibles.

I realize that these family members are outliers (they get a lot more parental support than most people), but they loom large in my mind because I'm an outlier in the other direction and it was rubbed in my face as a child. I always think that I'm going to have less than others, and that I'm going to lose any competition, because no one will support or help me.

I realized recently that I attach to other people and things (relationships, work environments, school, friends) with the hopes that they will be a home for me. And I am simultaneously close and relying on them, while also terrified that they will go away and testing them and all sorts of crazy things, mostly because I have an image in my head of what a home should be like and hoping that somehow, finally, this will be it.

My questions:
There was a post a while back asking what it was like to grow up with a father to love and protect you. I have the same question about what it's like to have a home to go back to.


- What is it like to have a home to go back to as an adult?

- Does having a home to go back to play a role in helping you feel safe pursuing your dreams?

Also:

- If you're in my situation and your parents didn't help you as an adult (much less as a child), what are your feelings about it?

- How can I feel more safe emotionally in pursuing my dreams even without a home?

(By the way, I sort of reject the argument that all of this builds character and makes me a better person because, well, I don't think I have much character or am a very good person. And also because that's what family members told me when I was really in desperate straits and they refused to help me, all the while supporting others' frivolities. Do you have any other way of dealing with this?)
posted by 3491again to Human Relations (42 answers total) 30 users marked this as a favorite
 
I have a home to go back to if I needed it, and my parents are okay as parents go, but I would only ever do it as a last last resort. Partly because they live on the other side of the country in a city I don't think of home anymore. Partly because for me, it would be the ultimate sign of failure. I do everything I can to prevent myself getting into a situation where I would have to go live with my parents again.
posted by lazy robot at 12:44 AM on November 18, 2011 [3 favorites]


I'm kind of in your situation, and am a little older than you. I have tended to be somewhat cautious about my career for all the reasons you mention, and continue to do so. BUT neither of my siblings share my hangups about money or a lack of safety net. So, maybe it's partly down to one's personality. Yeah I sometimes wish I'd quit my stressful job and tried making films or something in my 20s, but my life is actually pretty good now, my day job is interesting and creative, and all in all I am damn lucky and happy. My early 20s were a whole 'nother story, though...

I have a couple of suggestions:

- try not to feel bitter about it. I know the complacency of those with homes to fall back on can be irritating, but remember they don't know any different. And they may have other burdens.

- you sound like you might enjoy/benefit from something like The Artists' Way

On preview - you think you are not a good person? Please don't think like that - it's just not true! Perhaps you could try some CBT? A miserable childhood does NOT condemn you to a miserable adulthood. Trust me.
posted by 8k at 12:48 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


1. Somewhere between "queasy fun-house acid trip" and "intolerable misery" for most people I know. Some people are ok with it but many/most feel quite ill at ease when visiting "home". Assuming home even exists. Many people who had happy childhood homes no longer have them; it fell apart, people died or moved away, etc.

2. It's a form of security, yes. Not always great but it helps you take some risks knowing that if you were bankrupt and had four broken limbs, you would only have to put up with your insane adult-adult parental relationship, as opposed to homelessness.

3. I can't answer because my parents have been helpful any time I asked. I seldom ask.

4. "Chosen family". Make competent friends you can trust to the end of the earth.
posted by ead at 12:53 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


People who say your sort of experience builds character are wankers. Full stop. Your response to their wankery is both reasonable and restrained.

My mum and dad - well, they were a wee bit of a disaster in my older teenage/college years, because they were splitting up and had their own issues (also we were particularly broke then). And I think that rather damaged both my sister and my brother. But with my mum in particular, I don't doubt her love. I don't really doubt my dad's either, but I think he was rather messed up by his own experiences growing up in a tough situation and his experiences in prison. And even though I could never live with either of them, it is a comfort to me to know they love me, even if it isn't always that well expressed, especially on my dad's front. My sister is much more mixed up on that front. though, and has not done that well coming from this situation.

I wish I had good advice for you, because I could also use some help for my sister in particular. I know I am very cagey about career choices and education; my entire educational career has been determined by an unwillingness to pay money for post secondary education. And I'm aware that I've been incredibly lucky in that regard.

Maybe it would help to know that everyone is a little damaged, even those with homes to go to? And it does help to talk to people with the same background. My ex-husband has a similar situation to me (though worse because his parents have issues with alcohol), and although we are not married any longer, we are still friends and talk through these things together. Though I know he envies me my mum, who has always tried to be supportive for all of us.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 1:02 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm in the same boat as you. I never had the 'warm fuzzy' definition of home most people had. Even as a kid, I'd call any place I would sleep home.

I have friends who have happy families. I wend to one friends thanksgiving once, and the family literally got out guitars and starting singing together after dinner. I thought that was a TV trope, I didn't think that was a thing. I had friends who lived at home til their mid twenties. I made fun of them mildly, but really I was so deeply jealous.

It really sucks not having family support. I have had hard times that people with parents got through just fine with a little help. I have been homeless because I haven't had a home to go to. And you're right, it didn't make me stronger.

The constructed family/home theme in movies has always gotten to me, from childhood, for that very reason. Buffy, Candleshoe, Howl's Moving Castle, etc. all make me tear up. (See True Companions)

Rambling story short, I have one of those now. I don't have a lot of friends, but the friends I have are amazing, and we're very close. They make me feel like I'm 'home'. It's not the same, they have real families to spend Thanksgiving with, I'm just a friend to them. But it's enough, which is good, because it's all I have. I don't have any options besides valuing them and making sure that my future kids always has a great home, whenever they need it.

Also, my mom told me I was a horrible person too. I believed it for a long time, and even though I don't believe it any more, it still hurts to hear. I had to realize that she had issues, and it wasn't me that was the problem. You have friends, they keep you around for a reason. Don't make a habit of it, but it's ok to fish for compliments on occasion, remind yourself what you contribute to your group.

Hope this helps a little.
posted by Garm at 1:04 AM on November 18, 2011 [4 favorites]


- If you're in my situation and your parents didn't help you as an adult (much less as a child), what are your feelings about it?

Pretty much like yours. Sorry. I don't know if that helps.

The one blessing in it has been that I think I appreciate the home that my husband and I have constructed (metaphorically) much more than I would otherwise. It's a new and amazing feeling having this place to come back to every day that is safe and cosy and full of happiness, not going to reject me, and that will always be there unless I choose otherwise.
posted by lollusc at 1:27 AM on November 18, 2011 [3 favorites]


Best answer: If anything, my relationship with my parents is closer now than it ever has been, and I think this is true of my siblings too. I live about as far away from my family as it is possible to get and I love going home to visit, even if it is a 18 hour flight. Twice in my adult life I have voluntarily (not had to, chosen to) move back in with my parents for a few months, without regrets as far as I am concerned. My family (sisters and brothers included) are the people I care about the most and the people I can count on to help me through anything that I might be up against. It absolutely makes me feel safe - safe to try new things, safe to fail - because I trust them completely. And I never feel like I am intruding - which is the main difference between my family and my friends. Not to say that we haven't had our difficulties in the past and that we still have them. But the being here for each other outweighs all of that.

This is what it is like for me to have a home to go back to. I don't mean to brag - and we do have problems, we are not a perfect family by any stretch. I know how lucky I am to have them and how lost I would feel without them. I think when your relatives tell you this builds character they mean "You are really fucking amazing to do what you are doing without the love and support of a close, engaged, committed family."

Best of luck, I hope you succeed in everything you want to achieve.
posted by yogalemon at 1:35 AM on November 18, 2011


I don't see my parents' home as somewhere feasible to go back to. They don't have the space, their home never felt like mine even when I was living in it as a child, and as an adult I've always been more financially stable than they are and more "world wise" in a lot of ways.

I think I've handled this by being my own parent. I've gone out and learned the things I needed to learn in order to be independent. I've taken care to learn how to be good with my finances, how to stay out of debt and build my own safety net. I've learnt how to be calm and not panic and solve problems and plan ahead. I buy books on things that other people probably learned from their parents.

I had always had a mental image of what MY "home" would look like. I have even drawn pictures of it when I was growing up, so imagine my surprise when I found the house from those pictures last year, just down the road from where I was living, and I have bought it and am making a home in it.

Mind, I was pretty lucky with my timing: I left university into a good job market, and bought my first house at the start of the upswing in the housing market, so I don't suggest that it's as easy for anyone else to do what I've done. But I think the principles are relevant.
posted by emilyw at 1:44 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I don't have a home to go back to. I think we may have similar-ish backgrounds... I went into my grandad's care at 15. I spent my teens and early twenties waiting for a kind of Dawsons Creek-style reconcilliation with my parents where we all admitted our faults (I was led to believe I had many), forgave each other and built loving relationships, like other people have.

It never came. When at 25 my mother told a nurse off for calling to inform her I'd been hospitalized with heart problems ('What do you expect me to do about it? Can you call someone else?'), and when they didn't visit when I had surgery for that, or in the 3 months it took to recover, I just wrote off having anything at all to do with them.

I remember just after moving out, being intensely jealous of people with supportive families, who's parents looked out for them, allowed them space, gave them financial help, celebrated their acheivements, etc. These people seemed beyond spoiled to me. But I was more jealous at the lack of disgust, criticism and abuse they lived with. They could have normal days, listening to music in their room or hanging around with friends. I spent all my time doing housework and being screamed at and having to watch how my face looked or else while being called a lazy *****. I definitely remember spending lots of time at a particular friend's house because her mum was so nice and it felt how 'home' should feel. But nice as she was, she had enough on her plate with her own kids.

I've always placed a lot of weight on my relationships and friendships; I consider my partner and friends my family. In lots of ways this is good - I try hard to make it the best family it can be. I'm very supportive and generous with my time, my resources, whatever I have that can help you, because this is the kind of world I want to live in. In other ways it hasn't been so good, because other people do have support networks and don't always reciprocate so strongly. It can also lead to mercenary people thinking you're a soft touch (see my AskMe).

As to now, I'm in my 30s and reconciled with the fact that my sister, my partner and my friends are my support network. It feels fine, but I think it helps that my partner has a similar background and understands how it is. Explaining your family situation to people gets tiring (especially when, like my ex, they disbelieve you and imply that you just need to grow up!). But it's taken a long time to develop this equanimity.

As to whether you're a good person - you're a good person if you decide to be. That is totally within your control and I'm sure you already have lots of positives going for you. Try to tune out that vicious inner voice. It will do you no good. You probably need to concentrate more on the positive, so if anything, try to be overly kind to yourself.

If you want to talk about it more, please memail me anytime. It is a process and it might also be an idea to see a therapist to hash it out.
posted by everydayanewday at 1:49 AM on November 18, 2011 [11 favorites]


Best answer: This is actually something I've thought a lot about, how hard people have it when they don't have a family (whether parents, grandparents, an awesome older sibling, an aunt or uncle who step in, etc) to help them get their life going, how ethical is the entire concept of inheritance, what would the world be like if everyone had a truly equal start, what if everyone had an excellent school to attend and at least one person who told them to follow their dreams no matter what they are and no matter how much money is behind them. It makes me horribly depressed each time.

To start, I have a home to go back to. My parents couldn't pay my bills for me, but they could put a roof over my head and feed me if I had no where else left to go. Yes, this means I have one more safety net that most don't have, so I need to break out the "privileged" stamp and hit my forehead with it a few times.

I had a sister, due to the doctor delivering her, she was born with brain damage and only lived for a few years. I still have another sister (a twin to the aforementioned sister) and a brother. Due to medical bills and other circumstances, money was tight. Things are much better now.

But that, combined with me (and my brother and sister) being the grandchild of a hard-working immigrant who worked 60+ hour weeks for too many years of their lives so their kids and grandkids could do the American Dream thing and go to college and live comfortable lives meant that the idea of getting an art degree so we could make pottery at a commune someplace was never on the table. (I'm a physicist/mathematician by education and IT by trade, my brother is an engineer and my sister is an occupational therapist.)

Only my sister went away to college and that was so she could go to one of the best OT schools around and did a five year masters program. My brother lived at home and went to school fulltime while working part time. I opted to immediately enter the work force and work full time while going to school part time. We live in metro NY where there's tons of excellent schools within commuting distance of home. I don't understand people who just go away to college because it's what people do, spend the entire time partying, studying abroad, etc. I and others in my family have the perspective of "it's college, it's there so you can open more doors in life so you don't have to work your fingers to the bone 60+ hours a week like your grandparents did, get the best degree you can that will help you do this and only spend what's necessary." People spending $30k/year to get a liberal arts degree to end up baristas don't make sense to me. People who still have their credit card bill sent to their parents every month so it gets paid as they approach 30 bewilder me. People whose parents buy them cars and other huge expenses just do not compute. I paid my own car insurance when I turned 18 and bought a car, it cost me $380 a month and everyone else I knew was just put under their parents policy. (As hard as it is, you need to get over this. You cannot sit there and watch grown adults be taken care of like kids and get angry. Sure they have no idea what it's like to completely take care of themselves. One, you're one up on them, you can take care of yourself. Two, even though you don't have that safety net, you're still better off than millions of people in the world simply based on the fact that you're literate and can afford a computer with an internet connection. Think of how those people must feel of you and me.)

Almost everyone in my family work in very stable fields of employment for conservative employers with low turnover. Getting laid off due to downsizing and not being able to pay bills is a troubling idea.

As for vacations, until I stopped going on vacation with my family, every trip was camping in a tent in a state/federal park somewhere except one trip to Disney (and even then, we camped at Disney) and one trip to Germany (to see family). Me? Now I travel whenever I can because I can afford it.

It's not just people without "good parents" (for lack of a better phrase) who prioritize in similar ways to you.

But the good news is, being "smart about life choices to ensure future financial stability" (for lack of a better phrase) is not a bad thing. Maybe you had hoped more than anything to become the next Ansel Adams or Pablo Picasso. Maybe you never had the opportunity to hope for anything beyond "can I pay rent this week and still buy food". Barring anything tragic, you'll have a long life. Get stable. Get on your feet. Learn to stop worrying (for the record, as far as I'm concerned, my dad has, my mom hasn't, and it makes me sad). Wake up one day, realize you've taken care of yourself so far, you're doing OK and you have breathing room. Relax. Enjoy the satisfaction of realizing that you built yourself a safety net over years of being "careful/prudent/whatever" (lack of a better phrase again) and now you can pursue whatever dream pops into your head, now that you can breathe a little easier.

Good luck.
posted by Brian Puccio at 3:33 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


I grew up in a stable, loving home. I was extremely lucky. I am in my 40s now, and still have that same home to go back to, if I really needed it.

Having that was a incredible safety net. I took risks in my career path, and my supportive parents were there to cheer my on, and if it blew up, they would take me back. I moved to Spain in my early 20s, and later to Ireland. (I grew up in NJ). I never would have done many of the things that I did, had I not had the safety net that my parents provided me.

I can't imagine being in your shoes, and my heart goes out to you. I write this not to make you feel bad, but to say: loving, supportive parents and a home to go back to are goods of incalculable value.
posted by Flood at 3:33 AM on November 18, 2011


Best answer: Can I firstly say 3491again, that your post is so eloquently and beautifully written. What a painfully honest expression of those things that reverberate through adult life for those of us who missed out on a proper attachment and warm response from our parents. My heart was aching as I read through.

I'm older, and in my 20s I tried to make enduring, warm attachments to surrogate parent figures [I wasn't conscious I was doing it]. Maybe you are also taking tentative steps towards gaining positive quasi-parental attachments like I did? These are going to activate a range of feelings - envy, anger, grief, alienation etc. Watch out for those, learn to recognise them as valid emotions. Get help processing them if you can, it will help.

My search for quasi-family was mostly successful, [there were times I, of course, repeated well worn unhealthy patterns] and I still have ongoing bonds with those I found in my early 20s. But I'm not so fussed/activated by them like I used to be. It's nice to relax a bit. I'm getting happier being myself and by myself: yay ageing.

It's affected my early choice of relationships a great deal, and I would say that's the danger of this kind of abandonment ideation. Separation from unhealthy partners is so hard. I know it's hard for everyone, but so archaically painful for us with childhood trauma. It's activated ill-health in me, a somatising response to hard-to-otherwise-express pain. Watch out for that. Mindfulness has helped me a great deal. Be attuned to your health in your 20s. I recommend doing weight-lifting gym work or daily running. Both helped me feel physically and mentally stronger, and also provided a real avenue to focus on myself and 'building myself up' to face adult life.

Somewhere along the way I learned and accepted something very basic: "everybody has their shit". The more you learn of other people's families in the years ahead you'll see that many outwardly lovely looking families have dysfunctions. The anecdote you related about the family playing guitar and singing is familiar. My partner is Irish and seriously, the family will sit around singing n playing after dinner - it all looks great, but there's wounds there too, some that all that singing n playing doesn't dissolve.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:36 AM on November 18, 2011 [4 favorites]


Best answer: I think you'll find many people feel similar to you. I also feel kind of bitter about not being able to take risks because of a lack of safety net. But as someone said above, it could also partly be a personality thing- it's hard to separate the two, nature/nurture.
posted by bquarters at 3:36 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


My situation is similar to yours and I understand your responses, choices, resentments entirely. I'm in my 40s, so a little farther along.

About how to feel emotionally safe to pursue your dreams. One thing that became quickly apparent to me when I moved away and went to college is that, due to the circumstances of my upbringing, I had grown way more responsible than the average kid. I still am to this day--still have that "flying with no net" feeling, keep track of my money really well, etc. I think this has been really valuable in following my career/education dreams (grad school in science) in that I was able to deal with living for a long time on very little money, responsibly. I was never up to my eyeballs in consumer debt, for instance, and now that I'm gainfully employed I am doing a great job of being on top of the things that matter in the long run (retirement, college fund, investing). So, one way to look at it is to consider those coping skills an asset in the long run--they will be.

The flip side of that is being able to let go enough to enjoy things. It's still hard to dedicate money to truly discretionary stuff like travel and vacations--but now that it's actually reasonable to do so, I can and do.

Do I regret that I didn't get to traipse around Europe after college on parental largesse, like many of my friends did? Am I envious that friends have gotten fat down payments or other kinds of huge gifts/support, that I never have? You bet I have been jealous, you bet my life would feel a whole lot different if I had. But at this point it's just...part of the landscape, you know? And there is enough good in my life that I think it's better mental hygiene to be appreciative for the good stuff than bitter about how I was shortchanged in life.

I will also note that some friends of mine who have benefited heavily from parental support also sometimes chafe about that, realize that they have never fully stood on their own two feet, and it undermines their confidence somewhat. I never have that problem. ;)

In the current economy, even with my planning and saving and so on, I am still conscious that I have no familial safety net. A good friend of mine in her 50s recently uprooted her family (husband and 4 stepkids) and moved in with her mother clear across the country because both she and her husband were laid off in 2008/2009 and couldn't find work for years--ran out of benefits, foreclosure, it was awful.

I am keenly aware I don't have that option. But in my cautiousness I have built my own "Plan B" and feel pretty confident that even if that befell my family, we have a place to go. That is a very good feeling.

Long story short: it does suck to not feel like you've got that solid ground beneath you, and that'll probably stay with you your whole life. But you already know that you can make it through hard times and you will continue to do so. This doesn't make you better than anyone else (who really wants hard-won improvement to your character?) but it does mean that you have YOUR OWN foundation. Best thing to do, I think, is appreciate that and live your best life.
posted by Sublimity at 3:40 AM on November 18, 2011


What is home when it isn't a place?

That question (mine) was more about not having a physical place to come home to but you may find the answers helpful.
posted by headnsouth at 4:35 AM on November 18, 2011


I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. I've always known that I could go home at any point, with no judgment and my parents welcoming me back with open arms. I stayed at home during college, with my parents paying for tuition (which was not much where I come from) and everything else. When I left for grad school, I was happy to be independent and living off my own money, but there were times of incredible homesickness and longing for the safe and warm cocoon of home. I also have very good relationships with all grandparents and aunts and uncles, and know that none of them would kick me out if I was in dire need.

There was not a lot of money growing up and I was always expected to do something practical -- there was no money for art school or lounging around Europe. Now with my parents making some wise investments, I have no doubt that there is enough money for my basic needs to be met and that does provide an incredible safety net. Currently I'm trying to finish my PhD and worried about making ends meet once particular funding sources run out. Talking to my mother is comforting, because she always tells me that worrying is counterproductive, and that I should just move forward without worrying, safe in the knowledge that worst comes to worst, they will always be there for me. I think if it weren't for their support, I'd probably have taken a job after undergrad instead of going to grad school -- whether that was a good or bad decision remains to be seen :)

My parents think I should dream bigger. They are always telling me that I'm only 25, there is time for three career changes if I want it, and that now is the time to decide what I want and gun for it, even if it's something risky. They would love for me to try something entrepreneurial.

I think I'm incredibly lucky. The flip side? I don't know what it's like to work without a safety net, so sometimes I don't feel completely confident in my own abilities to survive. I tend to be a bit dreamy about practical issues, as I always feel in my gut that things will work out as they always have. I miss my parents and relatives and have strong ties at home which make it hard to be as independent as everyone else around me -- I tend to take their opinions into account much more than other people my age. All in all though, I wouldn't trade my family for anything.
posted by peacheater at 4:57 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks, everyone for your responses. Please do keep them coming.

I am very financially responsible and have set aside some savings at this point. But there's just this primal fear inside of me that makes it hard for me to, for example, take a year off to write, or start an entrepreneurial project and go without income.

I'm stable and on my feet at this point. But I would just be too scared to pursue being "Pablo Picasso or Ansel Adams". I wonder, often, how I could get more comfortable with this.
posted by 3491again at 4:59 AM on November 18, 2011


peacheater makes a good point- when you are "working with a net", it is harder to know whether your accomplishments are really yours.

I've seen different people react in different ways. Both of my parents had chaotic home lives, and so they rushed to start a family and have their own. There was some stress in that. I was the oldest of four, and from my perspective, homelife was chaotic and unprivate. I reacted by creating my own home that is my own sanctuary. I too am careful about money and not taking risks. I took what little net there was and built it into my own. My little sister took a different approach. She was driven to set off on her journey, tearing away at what little net there was and enjoying the thrill and terror of not having one. (Although, one could argue that she built her on virtual net by building great friendships with lots of people.)

I also think it is a "grass is always greener" thing. I see friends with great families that I envy, and they probably see their families as albatrosses. It's rare, I think, to have a family that is actually as good as it looks.

Further, I think it is a human (or even mammalian) thing to have that stress of "man, I have to get out of this fucking house" as you are growing up. Part of a parent's job is to prepare their kids to go out into the world, and as that process is finishing up, there naturally will be some stress. Life is about pushing the envelope a little. There was a commercial for some old-person pill, and one line struck me: something like "I want to leave this life exhausted."
posted by gjc at 5:51 AM on November 18, 2011


If you think back in history, it's an incredibly modern notion that anyone but the children of the extremely rich should be able to spend time working on art or writing just for the sake of it.

I guess it seems as pointless to be jealous of those people as it is to be jealous of someone who had four ponies and a Ferrari when they were growing up. It's easier to just be thankful that you weren't working down the mines aged 10, or married at 17 and starting a life of constant pregnancy and housework. I spend a lot of my time marvelling at the washing machine and the Pill, for which I am incredibly thankful.

What I find more tough is dealing with jealousy of people whose parents had more emotional resources - who provided unconditional emotional support, who taught lessons in resilience and in hard work and in relating to people and in problem-solving, who acted as a coach or a mentor, or hell, just acted as a parent.

For that problem I don't know of a solution other than to promise yourself that if/when you have kids you'll be the kind of parent to them that you wish your parents were for you. Getting into coaching or mentoring might also be quite satisfying for you.
posted by emilyw at 5:52 AM on November 18, 2011 [3 favorites]


But there's just this primal fear inside of me that makes it hard for me to, for example, take a year off to write, or start an entrepreneurial project and go without income.

I'm stable and on my feet at this point. But I would just be too scared to pursue being "Pablo Picasso or Ansel Adams". I wonder, often, how I could get more comfortable with this.
Just to follow up since you directly reference part of my response, I'm sorry, but I don't know. But when you find out, post here because it seems like a lot of people would like to know as well.

(There's all the traditional MeFi answer of "try therapy".)

Good luck.
posted by Brian Puccio at 6:11 AM on November 18, 2011


When I was young I had similar thoughts and experiences, OP, and still, in middle age, occasionally find myself wondering how much more I might have achieved, how much better my life might have been, if my home scene hadn't been so fucked up that I felt compelled to run away and live on the streets when I was a young teen. Yes, there are risks that I didn't take because I knew my safety net- the one I created myself by establishing friendships- did not/could not provide the same kind of security my cousins and friends with supportive families enjoyed. But I have taken many risks, sometimes I've failed and sometimes I've flourished. I've managed to raise three wonderful kids, I've earned some university degrees, I've ridden many emotional (and financial!) roller coasters, and I've survived. Life is good!

My two younger sisters, who were not beaten and otherwise abused the way I was, nevertheless suffered by growing up in our insane family. They dealt with the lack of security by becoming control freaks. One sister fled the family by marrying her first boyfriend, they've been together since she was 18 and have a very secure life. My other sister joined a religious community at 19 and has remained in its cocoon ever since. Their lives are tightly circumscribed, and I've never envied either one.

Take heart in knowing that there are many others who've struggled with the kinds of challenges you face and that we understand and we cheer you on.
posted by mareli at 6:41 AM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'll bite on the first two questions:

1) It was nice to be able to visit my mom in the home I grew up in, then in her condo after she sold the house. She's now in assisted living. I have a recurring dream where I'm back in the old house and I found out my mother left and didn't bother to tell me, and I always wake up angry. The first dream I had along those lines was being in the old house, waiting for my mother to return, then opening the door to the garage and seeing my car parked there. This means: you're the grownup now. :-) Eventually all of us have to go through this assuming that we survive our parents. I don't like it much, obviously, but there it is.

2) Having a home to go back to in my younger days didn't help me that much in pursuing (or failing to pursue) my goals effectively. What mattered more was what was going on in my life in the place I was living. If anything, it probably hurt me because I always figured I had an ace in the hole and could go back and live with Mom if whatever heavily-leveraged degree program of the month didn't work out. Being cut loose young has its benefits - you learn to stand on your own at an early age (which is when you learn fastest). But you lose out on some other things.
posted by Currer Belfry at 6:44 AM on November 18, 2011


I have the family you wanted. I grew up with parents that love each other a good deal, love me a ton and have been fortunate enough to be able to provide me with financial and emotional support whenever I were to need it.

My husband is in a similar situation, his parents adore him and can offer support. And it's awesome to have two sets of parents able to back you up, but at the same time all that family can be stifling. My husband's uncle recently passed away. He was 58 and had lived with his parents his entire life. He did nothing but work and take care of his mother and father and go to church. At the funeral, everyone spoke of how much he gave to other people and how little he took. His brother, my father-in-law, took a different path. He left home, joined the Army, and built his own family and life far away from the one he was born into. They both had the same family, both had the same level of support. One took it and used it to travel and see the world and adventure, the other saw it as a responsibility and never left, never made any attempt to build his own life.

Most of us with supportive families fall in the middle. We take some risks because we know we have a net, but we don't take others because of the responsibilities that come with that net. When there are people to support you, those are the same people that will need your support at some point and you have to be aware of it. It can't be all give or all take. I've seen folks go both ways and personally I try for the balance.

I don't know, it's weird and I wouldn't give them up for the world, but sometimes I do fantasize about how life would be if I could build a family out of friends and not have to deal with the one I was born into. (Or at least have a holiday I get to stay at my home and not have to travel.) I think we all wonder what life would be like if our situations were different. You take the family you make or were given and you do as much as you can with it. Having supportive parents doesn't make you an automatically good/successful person just like having a shitty family doesn't automatically make you a failure or bad. We make ourselves. Families provide the foundation, but you can always take a jackhammer to the shitty foundation and build a new stronger, better one.
posted by teleri025 at 7:30 AM on November 18, 2011 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: I just want to say thank you again for sharing your stories with me!

I'm starting to see that this might at this point in my life (after I've attained some stability) be about my personality and level of risk aversion rather than a necessary response to not having a parental safety net.

I'm also realizing just how unusual the rest of my family is. I didn't have any kind of home to go back to and I've been on my own since way before age 18. My other family members have been supported in grand style until their 30s while they pursued their dreams and/or received very large gifts (downpayment on a house, full graduate education paid, business bought for them, etc.). This seems to be way out of the norm. So I've been comparing myself to a very unusual group.
posted by 3491again at 8:30 AM on November 18, 2011


Okay, not everyone has good parents to go home to. Yes, technically I could move home with my mother if things didn't work out-- but she's a hoarder, she doesn't like anyone asking her for money, and she's ah, kinda crazy. If I move home, I may be making sure I don't get attacked on the street while sleeping there, but I'll be going out of my mind very quickly. So when people complain about moving home, that may be the sort of thing they are thinking about that they'll have to go home to.

Look, happy shiny Norman Rockwell families aren't something that everyone other than you has. The Rockwells and the Cleavers are probably rarer than we think. In our culture, we're constantly told that home is where the heart is (that's funny, at my house home was where the war was), that families are guaranteed to be warm and snuggly and love you forever and always have your back. And it's kinda unacceptable to feel otherwise-- though let's face it, those who feel otherwise have good reason to. We're CONSTANTLY told about how awesome home and family are and naturally you feel culturally obligated to have that too-- even though your family is a bunch of assholes. My parents raised me to think that family was everything and those were the people who would always stick by you. Except uh...my extended family only really care about their own nuclear families, my dad's dead, I'm an only child, and I already mentioned that Mom needs therapy. So I feel rather annoyed at being sold this bill of goods, women my age constantly going on about their happy snuggly families, etc. I think it just isn't meant to happen for everyone, no matter what our culture says.

Oh, and some folks who live with their parents? I have a good chunk of ex-friends who never moved out of their home and frankly, are still probably living there in their 30's and probably for eternity. This is not as great as you might think because those people have massive cases of arrested development and cannot function on their own. Their parents didn't teach them how (or didn't know how) or didn't want them to leave, and those folks just don't know how to function. I have come to the conclusion that you need to live apart from your family at SOME point by your mid-20's for at least a year or two so you can find out what it's like to pay rent and heating bills and get yourself places and hold down a job/school, or else you won't grow up. In their cases, I don't think that was beneficial. There is such a thing as too much coddling, and I am thankful there wasn't a 4-year-college in my town so my parents HAD to let me move out. Or I'd be those people, plus insane.

I don't really know what to say to you to help you. The thing people will tell you is to "make your own replacement family!" but that is not always so easy. If you're single...yeah. And while the whole True Companions/Nakama/Urban Tribe/Chosen Family a la Whedon shows thing is adorable, in real life I've found that those don't last beyond a couple of years because people move away, go to grad school, get married/have families, run out of money and have to move back home, etc. You want people to rely on and count on, a snuggly bunch of humans who won't leave?...Yeah, fuck if I know either.

If it's any consolation, you're much more of a grown-up than a lot of these people with snuggly (or smothering) families are. You know damn well you can take care of yourself if the chips are down-- I know a lot of people who would not be able to do so. I am actually a little jealous of the people who had to move out at 16 because they look at me like I am a giant immature idiot-- and I am.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:35 AM on November 18, 2011 [3 favorites]


I'm starting to see that this might at this point in my life (after I've attained some stability) be about my personality and level of risk aversion rather than a necessary response to not having a parental safety net.

I think this is an important recognition. I think also worth noting: my parents are particularly awesome, the "worst case scenario" safety net has always been there, and yet the only instance under which I will willingly move back into the family home barring financial catastrophe is to take care of one or both of my parents as they die. I benefited from a particularly wide family net, so that obligation extends beyond my nuclear family too. I can basically anticipate 5 - 10 years of my retirement being spent caring for sick and dying people, because that net? It swings both ways.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:17 AM on November 18, 2011 [4 favorites]


I'm around your age and am in the same situation. I don't have a family home to return to, and my parents are both extremely undependable in their own ways. My childhood was pretty unstable and even now I find it difficult to trust other people to stick around.

Right now, I am trying to make a family out of the friends I've chosen to have in my life. At the moment, I live with my best friend, who is the kind of steady, reliable presence everyone needs at some point. I've found it especially helpful to make older friends, who can provide the sort of "parental" guidance you might feel you're missing out on. One of my wisest friends is a woman in her mid-50s, to whom I know I can always turn for objective advice.

Another thing to be aware of is that some people are going to want to step in to fill the "parent" role in your life, and this kind of intrusion may not always be welcome. Especially because I'm still pretty young, a few older adults have been really eager to nurture me in a way that is uncomfortable and stifling. I'm a pretty private person, and I don't like it when people insert themselves into my life uninvited like that. As I mentioned, I find it a lot more helpful to be able to seek advice from an older, wiser person when I need it, rather than having it foisted upon me.

Anyway, you're not alone.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 11:56 AM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


My parents were very loving and supportive of me and my sister growing up... I had a great childhood and wonderful support through college.
Then, they went through this strange dramatic divorce, and both literally moved out of the house I grew up in into apartments or with friends. This was a month before I graduated college and soon after lost my job during the financial meltdown. So... I had to move home. I was horrified at the sight. They had been hoarding junk everywhere, certain rooms were not even accessible, the place was flea infested and spelled of cat piss and mold. This was my home!
I spent months picking up the pieces, cleaning up the place, and finally my father moved back. He cried when I showed him what I had done (either sold / gave away 'junk', painted the walls, rearranged everything). It wasn't the home environment I grew up in knowing, with a loving family... but I made it what I could. I was 24 at the time, and it was a very rough lesson, but I learned to MAKE my own damned 'home'.
Ever since then, my relationship with my parents have changed dramatically. I became very close with friends and my boyfriend and I'd ask them if I needed a place to stay temporarily before I go back to my parents (not out of rebellion, but because a home is where the people you care about are, and my friends and relationship took the place of my parents).
Now when I have friends or my family coming over to my place, I'll cook food, give them a good place to sleep, bring out the liquor, have some entertainment, and have a ball... or just let them have a place to crash for a few days. It's not their home, but then again, I kind of forgot what that is, and that's fine.
posted by hillabeans at 12:00 PM on November 18, 2011


Here's another heart going out to you - I had a secure home, which is still there, and I visit often. I'm gonna memail you my thoughts though, cos they're kinda lengthy and kinda personal.

Thank you for making me count my blessings.
posted by penguin pie at 12:34 PM on November 18, 2011


If you are looking for the downside of having a home to return to, I would say that for me, as a person who tends somewhat toward dependency, it means I never developed sufficient independence skills. It's somewhat embarrassing to have lived with my parents in mid-late twenties situations. Also, it's anxiety provoking to think about possibly not surviving on my own. That I've never had to face the possibility means that I fear it tremendously.

But the truth is, there are many comforts in knowing there is somewhere to fall back on. Your post really touched and saddened me, and I hope very, very much that you may be fortunate enough to build a stable family home for yourself in the future. I know you would cherish and appreciate it.
posted by namesarehard at 1:29 PM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm stable and on my feet at this point. But I would just be too scared to pursue being "Pablo Picasso or Ansel Adams". I wonder, often, how I could get more comfortable with this.
There are some people who are risk-takers and some who aren't. There are people who are willing to wind up in a homeless shelter and people who aren't.

I don't mean to negate your feelings and questions about having a home to go back to, but in today's suck-ass economy, I don't think any responsible person would be comfortable doing this unless they have a big chunk of money already set aside or have wealthy parents.

FWIW, I was laid off over a year ago and a recent break-up with a long-term boyfriend meant I had to return to my mom and stepdad's. If there had been a realistic alternative other than the shelter, I would not be here. My mother is in the grip of a very deep depressive episode. This isn't a happy, cozy place to be, and I can't relax here. I'm grateful there's a roof over my head, but I'm also deeply embarrassed that I had to come "home". This doesn't feel like a safety net. It feels like rock-bottom.
posted by Jaie at 1:44 PM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


Myself and my spouse are in direct contrast with regard to this. I would rather die in a gutter a continent away from my parents than ever go home, and he used to work intermittently while deciding what to do while living with his parents. I feel strangely good about having his parents as my parents-in-law now, like we have a place to go if all goes bad and people who are kind and care. It is a nice feeling, very calm and softly pleasant. I think people who have always had it might not notice it is there sometimes.
posted by meepmeow at 1:45 PM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


- What is it like to have a home to go back to as an adult?

Judging solely by your post, it sounds like you have a very black/white definition of "a home to go back to."

There are people whose families mean everything to them, and are grateful for it, and then there are a bunch of us who have ongoing troubled relationships with our parents and siblings.

I have heard people say, in full earnestness, "you're so lucky that so-and-so is dead and you never had one."

And there are many of us who are supporting parents who we've never really loved/understood, and who we only associate with various shitty childhoods. And we do this out of a sense of duty and/or social pressure.

You're worse off than a lot of people, and you're better off than a lot of people. I'm sorry that you didn't get the support you should have gotten, and aren't getting the support you could be getting now.

You sound like what you really want is a family to love, and I hope you find that one day.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 1:53 PM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm stable and on my feet at this point. But I would just be too scared to pursue being "Pablo Picasso or Ansel Adams". I wonder, often, how I could get more comfortable with this.

And just a note: there are a large percentage of parents who are absolutely against their children following any kind of artistic/non-professional dream.

I got kicked out of the house because of this. For a long time in my 20s, I kept thinking, "if only I had parents who weren't X, Y, and Z." And for another stretch of time I kept fantasizing what it had been like if I had never had said parents (as there were other ongoing issues as well.)
posted by The ____ of Justice at 2:02 PM on November 18, 2011


I don't know why having a "home to go to" is at all important for a creative artist. Adams worked as a commercial photographer for most of his career (he did have family support, as his first wife's family owned a studio space), but he wasn't living in his dad's garage.
I sure wouldn't have returned to the family cattle ranch--unless I wanted to start being a rancher.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:10 PM on November 18, 2011


My home is something that I carry around with me and create wherever I settle. It's not where my parents or family live. It never has been. I'm still (a little) bitter about it, but it doesn't hold me back. It inspires me.

(And, I literally can't go home. My mom - the only member of my family with whom I'm on speaking terms - lives in a house that is two steps away from condemnation AND hasn't got a spare couch or bed. Knowing that I don't have that option probably keeps me from making dumb decisions regarding my future.)
posted by sm1tten at 4:40 PM on November 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


The older I get, the more I realize how my lack of family connection colors my experience and how I relate to other people. The roots go really deep, and the patterns take on a life of their own. I have a friend of many years who has somehow gotten it in their head that I am "their people". I have expected this person to drop me as a friend 4-5 times now, no matter how close we are, just because life gets busy and that's how it goes. When friend's contact slacks off, I assume the natural moving-on process is playing out. Friend tells me I'm a hard person to get to know. I really don't mean to be - I like this friend and would very much like to keep them around. But because I expect the friend to drop me, I pretty much force them to put more effort into keeping in touch. So sometimes because I expect connections to end, they do. Because I tell myself I don't have a home, I don't.

Part of the problem with working without a safety net is becoming so purposefully self-reliant that you don't leave opportunities for others to help. I took a trip and didn't think to ask anyone to pick me up from the airport. I knew I could get a taxi, so I did. But the act of coming off the plane and having no one there is a reinforcement of being solitary. The act of telling yourself you've got no one to help if you fall becomes a cherished mindset. Lone wolf and all that.

I've tried to figure out what home is, and the closest thing I can say (for me) is that home is a place where I am unafraid. I can't define it by physical construct, genetic ties, promises, or proximity to other people, because if that were true then I would be lost. I am not lost. I am right where I ought to be.

It's really hard figuring out how to belong anywhere, when the people closest to you have only told you that you don't fit, and begrudge you the space you take up. You can run all around trying to find someone who will give you permission to have your space. I think that works out okay for some lucky people. For the rest of us, I think the first step to finding your home is learning to belong in your own skin. The second step is extending that belonging to the other people whose lives brush up against yours. (And this is easy to type, but so hard to practice.)

It's not fair that we have to put so much effort into something that other people take for granted. It's not fair that we have been gifted with hangups and tripwires. You won't get a home unless you do the work. But the home you'll get can never be taken away.
posted by griselda at 6:34 PM on November 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


I've always been in a borderline situation. I'm not welcome in my father's home because his new spouse doesn't like me for not particular reason that I can fathom. My mother doesn't have much space or money. I guess I was away for a long enough that I forgot how it was to be around them. And then my father offered to go into business with me and I briefly lived with my mom as I was getting on my feet in the city. Honestly, I was better off when I moved to strange cities without any help at all. It was isolating and alienating. All the problems from my childhood cropped up again and my social life didn't get started until I left.
posted by melissam at 9:35 PM on November 18, 2011


Response by poster: So many best answers! I marked a few that I'm going to meditate more on... but thank you all for replying and helping me.
posted by 3491again at 5:13 AM on November 19, 2011


I have have a warm home to go back to, but my family's pretty darn Jewish, do let's just say I can't go back without judgment, guilt trips, lots of crying about "Where did your dad and I go wrong?" I mean, there's a childhood bedroom there for me, but I doubt I could have a bowl of cereal without my mom being like, "And here you are, thirty years old, eating our cereal without paying for it. What did I do wrong? Tell me." I like knowing I won't be homeless if something horrible happens to my savings account, but I would be so crippled with guilt and self-loathing if I went back that I do everything in my power to avoid it. I suspect many people with loving families feel the same way. "no judgment" sounds kind of like a fantasy. I feel like if you moved back home at 30, most parents would nag the shit out of you to get your life together.
posted by pineappleheart at 6:53 AM on November 19, 2011


Best answer: I'm a no-home kid. In fact, one of my most inwardly-repeated phrases when I am depressed or terrified is "I want a home, and then I want to go to it." Because I can't just think "I want to go home." I'm 32, and despite being married I still doh't have a home, as such, because we move around so damned much that I never get to get comfortable in a place.

My husband, however, does have a home that he could go to whenever he might need to. He doesn't, mind, because he is the stable, successful, employed one of us. (Perhaps related?) His family is very close, very devoted to Family as a concept. They, like, love each other. And it weirds me out. I find it rather intimidating. They have decided that they love me too, and honestly I never know what to do about that. Some of them are lovely. But with my background, I just can't understand why the ones I wouldn't hang out with if we were not related-by-marriage have any interest in me whatsoever.

I'm used to being a bullheaded bastard and doing what I need to to live, even if that's straight not eating when I can't afford it. My husband has never had to do that. We're doing well now, but earlier in our relationship we had some financially dubious periods. And he could borrow money from his parents. And he did. And it was okay. And this was completely incomprehensible to me. I would consider such a thing to be the ultimate admission of failure. I don't even like to talk to my family. But for him, it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do until we could pay them back. And we did. And it was okay.

But the loving-family thing is not all sweetness and joy and holiday cookies or whatever. My husband never wants to live in the same city as his family again. He finds the constant concern overwhelming, though of course less so than I do. He feels stifled when they try to get too close. We both prefer to remain more on our own, in the lives we've created for ourselves as adults, for the most part. He doesn't have the bitterness and sense of abandonment that I do, no. But there is more danger of suffocation from his end. And I'm pretty sure this is a *good* family. (My experience really is limited.)

I would have felt like a family that loved me for who I am no matter how I differed from them was a glorious dream too. Until I inherited one by marriage. While I would be used to it if I had been born to such a thing, and less creeped out by it than I am, I now see that if one is a generally independent person, it's no kind of panacea. Can't help but feel it might have been helpful during childhood, though.
posted by Because at 9:12 AM on November 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


I'm one of those who has always had a home to go to. While my parents have always made it clear that they expect my siblings and I to take care of ourselves as adults, they have supported us in a million ways. For me, it has been very useful to have a temporary place to crash or store stuff when there was time between leases or I needed a home base for a while or my husband had to spend weeks recovering from surgery in the US. My parents and their big house have been a simple solution to what could have been a complicated or expensive problem, replacing storage units, 1 month sublets, PO box, etc.

In my experience, being closely connected with my family has allowed me to take some risks since the costs of failure are lower, but it has also ruled out other possibilites. I currently live a 13 hour flight away from my parents, and I hate it. I spend most of my vacation visiting family and it never feels like enough. I used to have dreams of spending years on every continent and being a complete nomad, but now I realize that I won't be happy so far away from them. Especially as they get older. (Not that I want to move in; I just want to be within driving distance.)

In every material and financial way, I am a totally independent adult, but my home still had a strong pull on me that will probably shape the choices I make for many years. However, this has as much to do with my personality as with my family. My husband is equally close with his family but doesn't feel any strong urges to be in the same time zone as them.
posted by oryelle at 11:39 AM on November 19, 2011


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