The girl I love, who wants to be my wife, is 3,000 miles away from me. She is/was a cutter, may have Borderline (BPD) and lives in a country that I don't trust their mental health system. What should I do until I get her to America and a qualified therapist? OR how do I let her go gently?
posted by DaftMythic to Human Relations (38 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Quickly about me: I am unemployed and uninsured currently. I suffer from bi-polar, fully medicated (for now) and have had a lot of exposure to mental health situations, professionals, literature and mentally ill people. I know that I am NOT a qualified psychiatric professional. I fully intend to seek professional therapy or counseling for myself and her (if she arrives here) ASAP. But the situation does not allow that at the moment.
BUT - what I want to express is that if I am going forward into this it will be with eyes open. Even if parts of what I describe below were exhibiting bad judgement on my part
--The INITIAL Story--
I met a Girl while traveling in the South Pacific. She is a native of Fiji (Indo Fijian). We threw ourselves at each-other. For my part, I was somewhat manic at the time. But I love her. She wants to marry me.
Even before we became physically involved I could see she had cuts from cutting on her arm (none seemed recent). She said to me her life was miserable. She talked about being "half-cast". I told her knew what the cuts were but I didn't care, I just hope she never feels like she needs to do that again. I told her Half-cast doesn't matter to me and that she is beautiful. I wanted to make her feel happy. Rescuer Complex? You bet I've got that, no doubt.
I was manic and so when she said she wanted to sleep with me, very soon after meeting her, I took the opportunity. Things moved quickly from there. I never really thought about her cutting etc after that, we were just happy in our relationship and she seemed fine... for the most part.
Unfortunately my Visa expired, I ran out of money and I had to fly back home, leaving her behind. Now she has no job and spends most of the day thinking about me, wishing I was back with her. We talk and chat as much as possible. But it will likely be months before I can get her here.
The other day we got into a mock argument over her being beautiful. I obviously think she is beautiful. I think she is physically attractive (and a number of other people back me up on this) but more importantly, I think she is a beautiful person. I always tell her that she is strong and should feel empowered. She made a number of positive moves in her live that showed progress after I left (quit smoking, left some manipulative friends, moved away from family that she felt was not treating her well, started paperwork to get Passport and Visa, etc). I tell her when she comes to America she will be an equal partner in the relationship and I expect her to be her own person. I told her she deserves happiness in her life.
But she continually rejects and says she is not a beautiful person, inside or out. I was actually a little surprised at how adamant she is about this. I left it at "well you can't convince me otherwise, I think your beautiful no matter what you say". But this got me thinking... and putting the pieces together in my mind.
I remembered the following troubling incidents:
(EDIT - That's when I first wrote this question but decided not to post it. I have newer updates below)
A few months ago, soon after returning to the US, she called me drunk and kept saying she would kill herself if I ever left her. I told her point blank "I love you, but I regard talk about suicide very seriously and will not be emotionally manipulated or extorted like that." She was angry but backed off. She often says things like "I'd do anything for you" or (jokingly?) "I'll kill anyone that gets between us"
While I was still in Fiji her she would sometimes get angry about something and then storm out saying something to the effect of "fine do X but I'm thru with you." only to come back minutes later. I regarded that as just an opaquely childish move (she was 19 at the time) especially since most of the time it was about stuff I had not done. I just laughed. Some Fijians commented on it as "Indian drama"
Finally, I know she had some sort of very abusive relationship just before I entered the picture. She doesn't ever talk about this. As a matter of fact she doesn't ever want to talk about the past period. "The past is painful baby, but now it's behind me. I don't ever want to go back." It is very hard to get her to talk about herself.
The pattern seems obvious that she needs some therapy. But she cannot get that right now. I want to help, but more than anything I don't want to hurt. What else can I do from this distance other than talk?
I wrote this the first time in response to her continual "life is miserable" and "I'm not beautiful" mantra. I had no thought about leaving her. I thought the cutting and excessive drinking was just understandable (if misguided) release from her external misery, and perhaps cultural (the friends she had when I first met her had similar scars). However now I'm looking at this again and realizing: "Oh Fuck, she's Borderline. How did I miss that?"
I know borderline, it's probably more than I can handle. I say probably because two days ago when I thought it was just cutting, excessive drinking and response to a screwed up life I wanted to help her with all my heart. This new revelation gives me a sinking feeling of hopelessness. But is this really new information or just a new label on what I already decided I'm prepared to get involved with?
The other trigger is the recent series of events she's been involved with. It all revolves around drinking too much and then getting involved with dangerous behavior. Last week she wrecked a car (single car accident, the boy who owned the car took the blame which, looking back, strikes me as odd). She busted up her leg pretty bad and I was apoplectic because she said she didn't want to go to the Hospital (free hospital I might add). It was strange but I was more concerned over her injury and prospects for healing.
Last night (I discovered after her drunk phone call to me and my call to her roommate) she ditched her party of known friends to hang out with 3 guys she had never met in order to party way later then her friends wanted to. Putting aside my thoughts of jealousy (she asked me to talk to one of the guys because he's traveling to America) Her roommate and I were concerned for her safety. Similar safety related situation happened before, such as two months ago where she didn't come home after drinking and was found on the street (remember, Fiji, people walk everywhere). Another night she was targeted and harassed by some racists in the street. When I confronted her about it she took it as a jealous move on my part saying "I'm not cheating on you, why would I call you with guys I am cheating on you with. I want to hang out with these guys. My roommate is telling you what to think, you should date my roommate, I'm not your girlfriend anymore" and then when I stood my ground about safety she shouted me down with basically: "That's it, I'm going to kill myself" *click*
It gets worse. In talking to her roommate, who seems quite reasonable and rational and kind, she said that my girl was spending lots of HER MONEY (the roommate) that "would be better spent on groceries." This roommate already pays for her and does everything for her. Also, the roommate told me that money that I had sent my girlfriend last month for passport and visa fess, that I was told was stolen, was in fact used to fund a series of all night benders! I don't want to believe this, but I suspect it is true.
I'm currently waiting for word from Fiji to see what shoes drop where. I believe (I hope and prey) the suicide threat was a bluff induced by drinking. But this incident has caused me to seriously reconsider my position here. At the moment that bold face fraud is alleged trust is so far gone that there is a lot of grey area that I have to account for with my girl, and I simply cannot.
When she calms down I intend to confront her on 1) making sure she realizes my problem was not that she was partying with other friends (even guy friends) but that she was doing it in a dangerous way without her usual friends and 2) a discussion on exactly what happened with money and 3) a general discussion about her behavior and how it must change/she must seek help if she is to come to America. I doubt we'll get past #1. I still love her, but I don't know how this confrontation will go or how I will feel afterward.
So now I guess my question remains: I still love her. IF I wanted to continue this relationship and help her, what do I do? and if I decide to call it quits, for both our sakes, whats the best way; for her safety and mine?