I want to end a "friendship"

November 3, 2011 11:28 AM

I want to officially end a "friendship". I want to be mature about it...and I'd prefer to do it via email...

Quick back story:
We met in 1999, I was intern and she was doing grad work. I thought she was a bit on the abrasive/opinionated/even kind of bitchy side, but I overlooked it and we ended up hanging out over the summer, until she left to go back to finish school. We stayed in touch randomly throughout the years, mostly via email, sometimes phone call. She came across much nicer in emails and the couple of phone calls didn't seem that bad.

And then...
She came to visit me for a weekend about 3 years after we last saw each other (around 2002). Almost as soon as I picked her up from the airport, it dawned on me what a real bitch she really was. I was ready for her to leave almost before we got to my place. She was very high maintenance, nothing was comfortable enough for her in my little garage apartment (it was cramped, but clean), she complained about everything (allergies to my cat, allergies about food, what she couldn't eat, etc. she couldn't sleep well in my bed - I let her have the bed to herself while I took the loveseat; i.e., I bent over backwards to make sure she was comfy and not dying from allergies or anything. Also, she didn't tell me of her allergies beforehand, so I was immediately stressed when bombarded with all this). Anyway, I made it through the weekend without committing murder, she went home, and I pretty much realized that I was not interested in maintaining this long distance friendship.

Also, during her visit, she made some pretty crude remarks to me about gaining a little of weight in my belly(although I was in great shape), saying how only "stupid people watch certain movies" when a group of us were talking about those certain movies (no one said anything to her because I believe it was just one of those things, 'yep, she's a bitch, let's move on', and saying to me "see, that's your problem, anon, you ALWAYS sleep with guys too soon, that's why you ALWAYS end up having problems..." in the most shittiest/superior voice possible (when I was giving her an overview of a somewhat minor issue I was having with my bf at the time). I think I was just too much in shock to even react. That, and yes, at the time, I would admit that I was pretty spineless, had low self-esteem and shaky confidence, not to mention, a lack of ability to read people and defend myself against such comments. A toxic mixture for a friendship, however, I continued with the more passive way and simply tried to let it fizzle out from there.

Well....fast forward to about two years ago. I get an email, once again, she sounds "friendly" over email, talking about how she just got married, how excited she was, etc. and I thought "wow, she sounds happy; maybe she's nicer; maybe marriage has helped make her nicer..." So, I replied to her and, at the time, she only lived a few hours away, in a different state south of me. "Ok, great, let's all meet up". Well, before that ever managed to happen, I get another email (a mass email) stating that she is heading for divorce, looking for her own place back home up North and happier than hell to get out of the 'backwoods - redneck - etc. etc. of the Southern town and state where 'everyone was stupid and ignorant, etc. etc.'. (Well, it so happens that I am in a serious relationship with a guy who is from that town AND state, and whose family is from that very same area...)

Needless to say, once again, I was asking myself why was I even in touch with her again, she's still the same bitch and I didn't have the patience or tolerance for her vile spewing tendencies. I deleted her as a contact in all my devices and decided to just try to let it fizzle out (again). I have received subsequent (mass) informative emails from her talking about her successes in her new life as a single person, etc. and I couldn't give a rats ass and I have never replied.

Then, she sent me another email a couple of days ago, asking me if I would check around on a job application that someone she knows locally has put in at my company. I simply said I'd go ask HR and that was pretty much it. I didn't reply to her "miss you" "let's get in touch" "call me!" comments at all. I probably shouldn't have even replied to it at all.

Of course, I have NO intention on keeping in touch or getting in touch with her. The thought of talking to her again makes me sick, hence, the desire to do it in an email.

Ok, my point: I officially want to let her know that I am no longer interested in maintaining whatever this is -receiving any more updates from her, requests to "get in touch" - and I want to be mature and drama-free, but not sure how to word it and that's where I'm hoping fellow mefites could give me some help. If I even need help saying "please do not email me or try to contact me anymore as our relationship just doesn't suit me at this point of my life". Maybe it is that simple.

But do I owe her an explanation? If I do, how to word that explanation? I really appreciate any help and thanks for reading. Sorry for length.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total)

The mature thing to do is probably just to let it go and don't respond. I can't think of a reason to document the end of a friendship.
posted by stormygrey at 11:31 AM on November 3, 2011 [44 favorites]

So, you hear from her only every couple of years via email?

Create a filter, divert her emails to trash, don't worry about it. I usually never think this, but in this case.....eh. Seems like there's not much to "end" in the first place, and she's an energy vampire. Doing much more may cause drama you really don't need.
posted by tristeza at 11:33 AM on November 3, 2011 [7 favorites]

But do I owe her an explanation?

You most certainly do not. Consider this less "breaking up" and more "remove a boil from your ass."

Set up a filter that pipes her emails into the trash, unfriend her on your social networks, take her number off your phone and be done with it. Out of sight, out of mind.
posted by griphus at 11:35 AM on November 3, 2011 [6 favorites]

I don't think officially breaking up with her will actually make you feel better, especially because you'd have to either decide between telling her why she's super annoying (which may make you feel righteous for about ten seconds, but dramaramadingdong!) or lying in some vague way, which may lead to questions.

This person sounds like she's barely an acquaintance. In your shoes I would just write her off as a weird person with a lot of stuff going on who I don't really like, and then I would set up a filter to send her emails straight to the trash and not think about her anymore.

If it helps, I have done stuff like this, and it's amazing how all the angina you have about something just vanishes when you're not getting infrequent reminders of how irritating someone is.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 11:36 AM on November 3, 2011 [5 favorites]

Let it go, don't reply. What could you possibly gain from telling her that you don't like her and have no desire to ever speak to her again? It's not like she was bound to show up on your doorstep one day with a suitcase in tow wanting to sleep on your guest bed.

Ignore. Move on. Don't fixate.
posted by inturnaround at 11:37 AM on November 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

If you can't just let it fade away and you feel pressed to provide an explanation, avoid telling her she's a bitch. Avoid applying any such judgmental label. As in other difficult conversations, use "I" statements, e.g. "I would rather you didn't contact me anymore," or "I find it really stressful to be around you."

But if you can, just cut off contact and just let it die.
posted by jon1270 at 11:38 AM on November 3, 2011

You don't owe her anything. Not a response, and certainly not an explanation. Nthing tristesza (and others) on this one. Clear case of block/delete, especially considering that she doesn't live in direct physical proximity to you.

Honestly, it seems like if you try to force a sense of closure, she'll probably not accept it and make you pay, emotionally.

Yeah, I agree with the posters above. Straight up block/delete.
posted by emilycardigan at 11:38 AM on November 3, 2011

There's no need to break up with someone who is really just a friend unless said friend really needs/demands an explanation. Just send her emails straight to the trash, block her on whatever social media interface you use, etc. If she hassles you at all about it, then you can tell her you don't want anything to do with her anymore and why.
posted by orange swan at 11:40 AM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Agree. There's no reason to write an official letter. I debated doing a similar thing this year and ultimately decided against it. Why? There's no reason to be the one to put the period on the end of this relationship. It's the 'don't burn bridges' attitude, and I think it's a good idea.
posted by glaucon at 11:41 AM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Unless she demands to know why you are no longer friends, you don't need to give her an explanation. Just let it fizzle. One mass email every few months doesn't sound like a friendship to me anyway. Forget her.
posted by katypickle at 11:52 AM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Set up a filter that sends her e-mails to the trash or to a folder where they can stay, sight unseen. Do nothing else unless she specifically asks you why you seem distant. You have no way of knowing how a "I just can't take you anymore!!" friend breakup speech will affect her. However justified and satisfying it may seem to you, it could be incredibly hurtful for her. Yes, she's irritated you and been a drain on your emotional resources, but consider this a deposit in your karma bank. Fade out and call it a day.
posted by superfluousm at 11:56 AM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think people want a 'I am ending this relationship' moment more for themselves than for the other person. Sometimes, it's because it's a way of 'making up' for the fact that they might have let this person invade their boundaries numerous times, and they're done with that.

I also think people think that they need to end a friendship in person because romantic relationships end that way. But ending a friendship is different from ending a romantic relationship. Romantic relationships that last over a few months, and aren't abusive, usually require some sort of face to face deal. But friendships don't. The ceremonious closure moments that involve telling a friend you are ending the relationship are usually only useful if you actually have something you feel you want or need to say to a friend (like, thank you, or you hurt me).

In friendship endings, you can get that moment in other ways, like some sort of mini ceremony where you say out loud, "Nov 3, 2012 was the day that I decided that I had better things to do than put up with X's bullshit, and ended our relationship". Then, toast yourself with a tasty beverage - I like pear juice and spritzer with mint and ice, forward their emails to 'trash', and take a deep meditative breath for a moment, before you move on with your life.

Much more satisfying, I've found.
posted by anitanita at 11:58 AM on November 3, 2011 [17 favorites]

Just let it go. Doing anything other than ignoring/deleting her emails, etc., is just going to lead to drama. Not everything in the world has to be explained.
posted by Janta at 12:01 PM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

And if in the least...do not go to HR (even though you said you would) and get this mess associated with your work life too. Sound bad enough that it is infecting your personal life, no need to risk the double hit.
posted by lampshade at 12:09 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Sorry it took me so long to get back to you! I'm so busy lately that I hardly have time to keep in touch. But I'm glad to hear you're doing well! Best, Anonymous."

There's your breakup email. You're not telling her she's a horrible person. You're not creating drama where there doesn't need any. You're being polite without inviting unwanted closeness. It's true, too. You're too busy for her nonsense. And if you hear from her again after that, then some variation on this same note is all that's necessary. It works.
posted by katillathehun at 12:11 PM on November 3, 2011 [13 favorites]

where there doesn't need TO BE any is what that should say.
posted by katillathehun at 12:12 PM on November 3, 2011

Write a big long email, tell her off, call her the c-word, diagnose her bipolar disorder, wish misfortune upon her, nitpick every single time she's been even mildly abrasive to you.

And then delete it without hitting send. Then set up a filter that deletes her messages forthwith.
posted by notsnot at 12:17 PM on November 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

If you need to write the letter, write it by hand and burn it. Don't send it. Writing it is likely enough to get the urge out of your system. Then unfriend/filter/etc. as suggested above and enjoy the good karma and the lack of drama. If you really need to send something, katillathehun's email is perfect.

From personal experience, the momentary satisfaction of the telloff isn't worth the hassle, where just letting the "friendship" fade gets her unpleasantness out of your life immediately and with no further consequences. Letting go and being a bigger person while still avoiding further contact is your victory.
posted by immlass at 12:18 PM on November 3, 2011

I think it would be better for you to block her e-mails and not respond to her any longer.

Her behavior is quite poisonous and I think she may return a very nasty note in response to you e-mailing her to end the friendship. It may even result in a mass e-mail like the one regarding her heading toward divorce. Don't subject yourself to a potentially vile and stressful situation.
posted by Yellow at 12:25 PM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Unless she demands to know why you are no longer friends, you don't need to give her an explanation."

I would argue that no matter what she 'demands' of you, you don't owe this persona thing. Not a single thing.

It sounds like she's the one initiating contact every time, and it generally sounds like she initiates contact to either ask something of you or complain (which is really asking something of you; namely, your time and concern). As has been suggested above, I'd filter her emails out and just forget about them. Either she'll eventually get the message or she won't; but either way you'll be out of the loop, so that even if she sends you a few angry "WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?!" emails you'll be blissfully unaware of it.
posted by Pecinpah at 12:25 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

You're hardly even in touch anymore, sounds like. You're in her address book and you work at a place her friend's interested in, and that's it. She's not going to miss your absence. She doesn't need an explanation why you're inaccessible.

No matter how politely you tell her to fuck off, it's still going to come across as mean, and you are going to look like the asshole.

This is a real life "flag it and move on" situation. Filter her to your junk email folder. Before you know it, you'll be mentally through with her.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:30 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Agreeing with everyone else to just let it go.

An explanation invites a dispute or challenge to your reasons, and -- forget that.

And not sending an explanation allows you plausible deniability later, should circumstances change. Which is doubtful.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:46 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

You just ignore her from this point on.
posted by mleigh at 1:06 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think it's pointless to give her reasons why you want to cut off contact. People like that are too self unaware to process that information, take it to heart and reflect back on their actions. She will just spin all the facts around and make it seem like everything was your fault and that's what she'll convince herself to believe. And then you've gotten yourself a ticket to Drama Town. Ugh, just ignore her, block her, cut off all communication.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:08 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm with katillathehun on this one. I've known people like this, and I feel like officially 'breaking up' with her will invite a shitstorm of drama that could otherwise be easily avoided. Same with diverting her email to trash or unfriending her- she'd probably get pissed off if you stop replying to her completely and make a big deal out of that too. I think the best way out of this is just to make HER not want to be friends with YOU anymore. Reply to her emails after a week: "Oh sorry, I've been so busy. Glad you're well." Or whatever. Be friendly, seem busy, and seem BORING. Don't express any real interest in her life. Once she gets bored with you she will more than likely disappear.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 3:40 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm in the "break it off in writing" camp. Don't explain. A simple, "I think it would be best if we didn't communicate." will suffice. It's cruel and cowardly to leave someone hanging, even if she is a bitch, and making it explicit will probably cause the ensuing storm to die down a lot quicker.

Then when the flood of hurt and angry emails and phone calls pour in, that's when you put the filter on and ignore the phone.
posted by klanawa at 4:12 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

First, do NOT go to your company's HR to check for her: you do not want HR to think there's ANY connection, no matter how tenuous, between you and this person. If you feel like it, email her the white lie that "HR won't tell you the status of someone else's job application."

THEN you delete her from your email & phone contacts and block her from all social media, and never, ever accept a contact from her again. Emails straight to trash, phone calls/texts/facebook/smoke signals blocked, snail-mail shredded without opening.
posted by easily confused at 5:35 PM on November 3, 2011

A formal declaration ending a friendship is seen as pretty hostile and aggressive and is definitely dramatic. Stop agreeing to do anything for her. Don't reply to mass emails. If she asks what's up, just reply, once, that you're unfortunately too busy to keep up with email friendships, and wish her well.
posted by theora55 at 6:58 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

katillathehun: ""Sorry it took me so long to get back to you! I'm so busy lately that I hardly have time to keep in touch. But I'm glad to hear you're doing well! Best, Anonymous."

There's your breakup email. You're not telling her she's a horrible person. You're not creating drama where there doesn't need any. You're being polite without inviting unwanted closeness. It's true, too. You're too busy for her nonsense. And if you hear from her again after that, then some variation on this same note is all that's necessary. It works"


This. I wish I could favorite that a thousand times. This is the absolute classiest way to manage situations with energy vampires. Do this.
posted by dejah420 at 7:03 PM on November 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

Seriously, if she only gets in touch via email, just put a filter on her email address and filter it straight into trash and you will never hear from her again.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:29 AM on November 5, 2011