Best way to contact my biological mother?
November 3, 2011 11:30 AM Subscribe
What would be the best way of initiating contact with my biological mother?
I'm a man in my late 20s, and I was placed for adoption as an infant. I've been curious since my early teens about my biological parents, but generally never enough to put any concerted effort into finding them. Eventually, though, enough pieces of information came together that I was able to truly start searching, and I am now 99% certain I've found my mother.
I'd like to make contact for numerous reasons. Getting a detailed medical history is chief among them, but I'd also be interested in maintaining some sort of relationship or interaction if she were open to it. I understand all the potential emotional pitfalls here and that no matter what way I imagine this would go, it would likely go differently.
All of that aside though, I'm stuck on the actual best method of making contact. A phone call could be too sudden and unwelcoming for her. A letter seems impersonal, and an unanswered one would leave me forever wondering if she just never got it. A mediator seems like a good idea, but I can't seem to figure out how to find one.
Does anybody have any advice or experience here? Anybody with stories to share about making contact with biological parents, I'd be interested in hearing those too.
I know very few details about my adoption. The "non-identifying info" I have gives a rosy picture (mom was very concerned about my welfare and wanted a good family for me, dad cared very much about me but never had a chance to meet me) but I don't how much faith I can put in it. Your advice is appreciated.
I'm a man in my late 20s, and I was placed for adoption as an infant. I've been curious since my early teens about my biological parents, but generally never enough to put any concerted effort into finding them. Eventually, though, enough pieces of information came together that I was able to truly start searching, and I am now 99% certain I've found my mother.
I'd like to make contact for numerous reasons. Getting a detailed medical history is chief among them, but I'd also be interested in maintaining some sort of relationship or interaction if she were open to it. I understand all the potential emotional pitfalls here and that no matter what way I imagine this would go, it would likely go differently.
All of that aside though, I'm stuck on the actual best method of making contact. A phone call could be too sudden and unwelcoming for her. A letter seems impersonal, and an unanswered one would leave me forever wondering if she just never got it. A mediator seems like a good idea, but I can't seem to figure out how to find one.
Does anybody have any advice or experience here? Anybody with stories to share about making contact with biological parents, I'd be interested in hearing those too.
I know very few details about my adoption. The "non-identifying info" I have gives a rosy picture (mom was very concerned about my welfare and wanted a good family for me, dad cared very much about me but never had a chance to meet me) but I don't how much faith I can put in it. Your advice is appreciated.
A letter also lets you tuck some pictures in. I bet she'd appreciate them.
posted by roger ackroyd at 11:43 AM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by roger ackroyd at 11:43 AM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
I've done this (Father instead of mother) and did it by letter. It worked out OK. Memail if you want to to ask more.
posted by merocet at 11:43 AM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by merocet at 11:43 AM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Go with a letter or something low-key. You do not know what kind of life she is living now, nor if she wants to meet you, if anyone knows about your birth, etc. I am an adoptee (infant), and I was lucky enough to have my mother (adoptive) contact my birth mother when I was 24. My birth mother had wanted me to contact her for years. But I was afraid to face the rejection directly via telephone, if that was to be the case (it wasn't). I am fortunate enough to have developed a strong relationship with my birth mother over the past 15+ years. You may want to read 'The Girls Who Went Away' for some insight as to what birth mothers went through (granted you're of a different generation than I am, but I'm sure your birth mother had similar thoughts). My story's ending is a happy one -- they all aren't. If you want details, mail me.
posted by rtodd at 11:44 AM on November 3, 2011
posted by rtodd at 11:44 AM on November 3, 2011
Letters are impersonal? The hell they are! History is filled with touching, heartfelt correspondence written in someone's own hand. Email's often impersonal, sure...but a handwritten letter can be like sending someone your thoughts wrapped up in your own fingerprint. There's no mistaking it's from a person.
And if you want to make sure she gets it, you could do certified mail with signature service...or you can have a messenger service deliver it to her and her alone. Of course, the latter will be more expensive, but more foolproof.
posted by inturnaround at 11:51 AM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
And if you want to make sure she gets it, you could do certified mail with signature service...or you can have a messenger service deliver it to her and her alone. Of course, the latter will be more expensive, but more foolproof.
posted by inturnaround at 11:51 AM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
I have no experience with this but wanted to say I think sending photos with a letter is an awesome idea. If she doesn't choose to answer you for whatever reason, she can still keep them if she wants to.
I agree it's not impersonal. I can't think of anything more personal than a handwritten letter including photos that share your life. Also, the letter gives her TIME to consider what she wants to do before she answers. I think a phone call would be quite awful.
posted by fritley at 11:59 AM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
I agree it's not impersonal. I can't think of anything more personal than a handwritten letter including photos that share your life. Also, the letter gives her TIME to consider what she wants to do before she answers. I think a phone call would be quite awful.
posted by fritley at 11:59 AM on November 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
A letter would perhaps take some of the pressure off.
That said, I know a woman who got a call out of the blue from the child she had given up for adoption as a teen and she seems to think that phone call - though surprising and mind-blowing - was one of the best moments of her life.
I don't think there's a right or a wrong here. Do what you are most comfortable with. And good luck to you :)
posted by bunderful at 12:07 PM on November 3, 2011
That said, I know a woman who got a call out of the blue from the child she had given up for adoption as a teen and she seems to think that phone call - though surprising and mind-blowing - was one of the best moments of her life.
I don't think there's a right or a wrong here. Do what you are most comfortable with. And good luck to you :)
posted by bunderful at 12:07 PM on November 3, 2011
Was there an agency involved in your adoption? If so, they might have someone to go through. If not, you might still want to see if you can find anyone to talk to in order to get their more professional advice.
posted by quodlibet at 12:15 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by quodlibet at 12:15 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I tracked down my biological father when I was 18. He was thrilled and excited to be friends and maybe be something of a father to me. Turns out I was the one who couldn't hack it.
It hurt him, I think. While it was good for me to find out more about my history, I ended up, for all intents and purposes, taking his son from him a second time. I regret it to this day and wish I'd never sought him out.
I'm sure some of it had to do with being young and inexperienced. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it either. But it's worth really examining outcomes because this is an intensely emotional undertaking.
For what it's worth, I just showed up on his doorstep one day. Mercifully he wasn't there, so I left a note scrawled on the back of a graduation announcement.
posted by Perthuz at 12:54 PM on November 3, 2011
It hurt him, I think. While it was good for me to find out more about my history, I ended up, for all intents and purposes, taking his son from him a second time. I regret it to this day and wish I'd never sought him out.
I'm sure some of it had to do with being young and inexperienced. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it either. But it's worth really examining outcomes because this is an intensely emotional undertaking.
For what it's worth, I just showed up on his doorstep one day. Mercifully he wasn't there, so I left a note scrawled on the back of a graduation announcement.
posted by Perthuz at 12:54 PM on November 3, 2011
I did this about a year ago. I put the pieces together and found my bio-mom. Whatever you do, don't contact her through Facebook. That's what I did, it was stupid. We laugh about it now, but I will forever be the person that found her bio-mom on Facebook. Ugh!!!
What I wish I would have done was sent a letter. A letter and a few scanned pictures that the foster home took when I was teeny tiny, maybe a few pics of me now. If she'd seen those, she would have known 100% for sure that I was, indeed, her bio-kid. AND it would have put the ball squarely in her court - I was ready to contact her (and she was fine with it), but if she hadn't been? The next move would have been hers.
And, as someone that is currently caught up in the maelstrom that comes from suddenly having two families, I suggest you find someone you can talk to about it. If you have a therapist, cool. If you were adopted through an agency, give them a call. They specialize in this sort of thing. it's good to have someone to talk to that KNOWS what sort of craziness you are dealing with.
Good luck. It has been, for the most part, a really positive thing for me. Just be prepared for...well...adoption is like the Starship Enterprise. Expect the unexpected.
posted by Elly Vortex at 12:54 PM on November 3, 2011
What I wish I would have done was sent a letter. A letter and a few scanned pictures that the foster home took when I was teeny tiny, maybe a few pics of me now. If she'd seen those, she would have known 100% for sure that I was, indeed, her bio-kid. AND it would have put the ball squarely in her court - I was ready to contact her (and she was fine with it), but if she hadn't been? The next move would have been hers.
And, as someone that is currently caught up in the maelstrom that comes from suddenly having two families, I suggest you find someone you can talk to about it. If you have a therapist, cool. If you were adopted through an agency, give them a call. They specialize in this sort of thing. it's good to have someone to talk to that KNOWS what sort of craziness you are dealing with.
Good luck. It has been, for the most part, a really positive thing for me. Just be prepared for...well...adoption is like the Starship Enterprise. Expect the unexpected.
posted by Elly Vortex at 12:54 PM on November 3, 2011
I am adopted, and I initiated contact with my biological mother once I found her.
Absolutely, a hand-written letter is the best way to go. But, I wouldn't go overboard or inundate her. You have no clue what the situation might be. In my case, I was her deepest, darkest secret that only her mother knew about. She never told a soul about me...not her husband, not her kids. No one. Tread softly and cautiously.
If you want to discuss specifics on how to approach it, please feel free to MeMail me.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:45 PM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Absolutely, a hand-written letter is the best way to go. But, I wouldn't go overboard or inundate her. You have no clue what the situation might be. In my case, I was her deepest, darkest secret that only her mother knew about. She never told a soul about me...not her husband, not her kids. No one. Tread softly and cautiously.
If you want to discuss specifics on how to approach it, please feel free to MeMail me.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:45 PM on November 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
I know more than a little something about this, and I also think that a letter would be perfect.
posted by puddinghead at 3:32 PM on November 3, 2011
posted by puddinghead at 3:32 PM on November 3, 2011
I did this, via a phone call. This was because I wanted to hear her voice before writing. I originally wasn't 100% sure I would identify myself truthfully on the phone rather than just pretending a wrong number or something, but she sounded very nice, so I did. It was a wonderful experience.
But it would have been devastating if she had not wanted to talk to me, and had rejected me over the phone. Letters are a bit easier, I think. My biological father, who I tried to contact next, did not want his wife and children to know about me, so he replied to my first letter with a one sentence brush off, and never replied to anything else (I sent a Christmas card the next two years just in case). That would have been an AWFUL phone conversation, so I'm glad I didn't try calling him.
You can write registered post so you can find out whether or not the letter arrives.
posted by lollusc at 3:45 PM on November 3, 2011
But it would have been devastating if she had not wanted to talk to me, and had rejected me over the phone. Letters are a bit easier, I think. My biological father, who I tried to contact next, did not want his wife and children to know about me, so he replied to my first letter with a one sentence brush off, and never replied to anything else (I sent a Christmas card the next two years just in case). That would have been an AWFUL phone conversation, so I'm glad I didn't try calling him.
You can write registered post so you can find out whether or not the letter arrives.
posted by lollusc at 3:45 PM on November 3, 2011
One more thought: It was just as easy to get hold of my birthmother's mother's details as her own. For a while I considered contacting her (my biological grandmother) instead of going directly to her daughter. I thought the bio grandmother would be a safe intermediary: there was no way she WOULDN'T have known about me, because my birthmother had me when she was 15, and she would have a good idea of whether my birthmother would want to meet me or not, as well as probably being a good person to approach her and let her know I had been in touch.
In the end I didn't do it, because I worried about what could go wrong if my birthmother's relationship with her own mother was bad.
But you say that you'd like an intermediary, so it might be an option to consider.
posted by lollusc at 3:51 PM on November 3, 2011
In the end I didn't do it, because I worried about what could go wrong if my birthmother's relationship with her own mother was bad.
But you say that you'd like an intermediary, so it might be an option to consider.
posted by lollusc at 3:51 PM on November 3, 2011
The only reason I would hesitate before sending a letter is because she may not be the one who gets the mail at her house (or the one who gets it the day it arrives). If she has never told anyone about the adoption, it could be difficult for her to explain on the spot.
You could contact a lawyer to act as your intermediary.
posted by elizeh at 4:56 PM on November 3, 2011
You could contact a lawyer to act as your intermediary.
posted by elizeh at 4:56 PM on November 3, 2011
As Thorzdad says, you have no idea how she'll react, what her life is like, etc. Write a letter. keep it short, personal, and not dramatic. Or, an intermediary is not a bad idea. Be wary of building up too many expectations. Maybe she'll be at a place in life where she'll welcome you in and you'll have a great relationship, or maybe her life is complicated. I'd look around for an adoption support group; it might help to talk to others who've been through this experience, either biological parent, or adopted child.
posted by theora55 at 7:03 PM on November 3, 2011
posted by theora55 at 7:03 PM on November 3, 2011
child of an adoptee here. letters are the way to go, include some nice photos of yourself at different ages to the present, but keep it to a small number at first. keep the first letter short and sweet. my thought is that from what you say you were told about your biological mother's interest that you'd be placed with a good family, I'd say work that angle in your initial letter.
while my parent was unable to connect with their birth mother because she had passed away, this woman's family was kind enough to gather photos of the extended family (not the bio-mom, however, for reasons I'd rather not go into) and provided some general information on the family in general. we did not contact them to establish a relationship, and no offer was made from their end. we simply needed confirmation of some rather critical medical information.
good luck. i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that this will go well! :)
posted by kuppajava at 7:11 PM on November 3, 2011
while my parent was unable to connect with their birth mother because she had passed away, this woman's family was kind enough to gather photos of the extended family (not the bio-mom, however, for reasons I'd rather not go into) and provided some general information on the family in general. we did not contact them to establish a relationship, and no offer was made from their end. we simply needed confirmation of some rather critical medical information.
good luck. i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that this will go well! :)
posted by kuppajava at 7:11 PM on November 3, 2011
The only reason I would hesitate before sending a letter is because she may not be the one who gets the mail at her house (or the one who gets it the day it arrives). If she has never told anyone about the adoption, it could be difficult for her to explain on the spot.
That, plus the risk that she may have died, leaving children behind who do not know of the adoption. So, there is actually An Approach that takes this risk into account. It has both supporters and detractors but just so you have it as an option, you should know what it is.
Send a card or a short letter that basically says:
Hi Mary --
My name is Tom Jones and I believe the last time we met was April 30th, 1972. My name at the time was Fred Bloggs. I would love the opportunity to be in touch with you and catch up on the intervening years. If you are open to this, you can reach me at the address, phone or email below.
Best,
Tom Jones
Etc.
April 30th, 1972 would obviously be your own birth date. Fred Bloggs would be the name she gave you at birth, or that you were given at birth, assuming you have your original birth certificate.
Be warned that anything or nothing can happen. She may pick up the phone, take months to reply, or you may never hear from her.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:39 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
That, plus the risk that she may have died, leaving children behind who do not know of the adoption. So, there is actually An Approach that takes this risk into account. It has both supporters and detractors but just so you have it as an option, you should know what it is.
Send a card or a short letter that basically says:
Hi Mary --
My name is Tom Jones and I believe the last time we met was April 30th, 1972. My name at the time was Fred Bloggs. I would love the opportunity to be in touch with you and catch up on the intervening years. If you are open to this, you can reach me at the address, phone or email below.
Best,
Tom Jones
Etc.
April 30th, 1972 would obviously be your own birth date. Fred Bloggs would be the name she gave you at birth, or that you were given at birth, assuming you have your original birth certificate.
Be warned that anything or nothing can happen. She may pick up the phone, take months to reply, or you may never hear from her.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:39 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can't tell you how YOU should contact your birthmom....it all depends on how comfortable you are, but I'm also an adoptee and I randomly found my birthfather through Facebook.I ended up writing him an e-mail and it wasn't until about a year later that I finally met him. He of course was very excited about meeting, and ever since then, I get invited to his house for family get togethers I'd say once a month or so. In the end, that entire side of my family is gung ho about me and I happen to be the one who's a little weary of it-- I mean, I didn't meet him my entire life and I'm 25 now! If you need to talk to a fellow adoptee, memail me :) Good luck!
posted by camylanded at 6:38 AM on November 4, 2011
posted by camylanded at 6:38 AM on November 4, 2011
The situation DarlingBri outlines is exactly what happened with my family -- my mother was already dead. The woman contacted us via an "adoption angel" and I wish she hadn't gone that route. If you are looking for an intermediary, one might be available via the state, if your state has a service that matches birth parents with adopted people. They help make sure that people who want to be found are found, and serve as trained intermediaries in the process.
Here are a few, for examples: Texas, Colorado, Oregon, Louisiana, Maryland, Utah, Iowa, South Dakota. There are others -- probably for most states. Just google for voluntary adoption registry plus the name of your state.
posted by Houstonian at 4:43 PM on November 4, 2011
Here are a few, for examples: Texas, Colorado, Oregon, Louisiana, Maryland, Utah, Iowa, South Dakota. There are others -- probably for most states. Just google for voluntary adoption registry plus the name of your state.
posted by Houstonian at 4:43 PM on November 4, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by decathecting at 11:35 AM on November 3, 2011 [6 favorites]