Is good, enough?
October 5, 2011 2:36 PM Subscribe
It will be three years with my partner in November. She is ready to move forward from cohabitation into marriage. She is the nicest person I have dated, we are good match, and I'm at the time in my life when I am capable of making a new family the primary priority...
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
...but I'm not excited about it. I was on an executive retreat over the weekend and happened to read one of those cheesy articles, 'Performance Tips To Get To The Top'.
Only the article spoke to me. Quite loudly. Turns out, that I am actually a bit depressed. Granted, I have been aware that my mood has been a bit low, but now it's apparent there is some depression present.
I work in a high-stress field that is filled equally with significant financial opportunity, and also significant financial insecurity. It's always felt as if I am playing a long-game and building up the foundation for a career of significant financial reward.
Lately my performance has been slipping and I find it hard to concentrate. Successes feel hollow and failures seem inevitable. I thought the stress of the job was getting to me and causing me to doubt my relationship. Now I am wondering if the relationship could be causing the depression.
We are great at supporting each other, taking care of each, and being together as a couple. But there's no excitement anymore, no spark. She seems very ready to nest and have a family.
I -- on the other hand -- feel myself coming back to life after what was a very difficult period in the recession between 2008 and 2010. I am on top of my financial responsibilities and am making a name for myself in my industry. Rather than sit at home having dinner every night, I want to be out in the world, networking and bringing projects to fruition. I don't mind the stress and am happy to be back on top.
I have attended a therapist and came out with a very positive result -- that the decision is in my hands and whatever I decide is fine, each of us will live full, wonderful lives whether we get married or not.
And it feels that that decision is coming quite soon. Personally, I don't want change, I think life is great. But it's not only about me -- she wants to move forward and thus I can either get on the bus or get off the bus.
I was pretty gung-ho at getting on the bus until I examined the moodiness and see that the only thing I haven't changed in my life is her. I met her right at the beginning of a very rough downward slope and really learned how to be a good partner and not let work stress creep into a wonderful relationship.
And it's been really good. But more and more often, we sit at dinner with nothing to say. We used to go out and have great nights on the town and lived with abandon. Now that things are better, she rarely wants to go out. She wants to have quiet peaceful time together -- all the time.
There are many activities that I enjoyed -- and we enjoyed together for the first years -- but now I increasingly find myself doing them alone or with buddies. I travel a lot for work and feel myself split between two worlds -- my world that feels as if each day it is growing larger -- and our world, which feels each day that it is shrinking.
I love her more than I have loved anyone and I know love involves compromise. But what point of compromise is healthy? If we end up in a marriage that is stable and solid but at the expense of my career and personal activities, is that a win?
I cannot imagine being without her at this point but increasingly, I feel like I am losing parts of myself that matter a great deal to me.