Ask me about my crippling shyness... at my wedding!
September 10, 2011 8:04 AM Subscribe
Getting married TODAY. Things are good, but I'm kind of terrified and my thoughts are distorted. And then there's the honeymoon... Got any coping strategies for RIGHT NOW?
This is the second marriage for both. After my first wedding, I fell completely apart because I thought I'd made a terrible mistake. (Which I had! But whatever.) I feel very good about this time, but ARGH! Lifetime! Commitment! Uncertainty! And then we're going on a honeymoon by flying to Boston on the 10th anniversary of Sept. 11!
Distortions: I am feeling a bit disassociated and want to feel more present. I am terrified of making a commitment and having that one person be the repository of all my trust. I am TERRIFIED of something happening to him or us. I am scared to be away from home when the giant letdown of stress hits. It took me several weeks to calm down last time. I KNOW this isn't last time, but it's hard to let go of that.
My fiancé spent the night here at the hotel, and that was absolutely the right choice. I woke up at 5 and couldn't get back to sleep, then puked around 8:30. (I've never, ever puked from nerves.) Eating a banana slowly now.
I KNOW it will be okay. I am just not feeling it. What techniques can I use for this immediate stuff and the next week or two as we wind down?
This is the second marriage for both. After my first wedding, I fell completely apart because I thought I'd made a terrible mistake. (Which I had! But whatever.) I feel very good about this time, but ARGH! Lifetime! Commitment! Uncertainty! And then we're going on a honeymoon by flying to Boston on the 10th anniversary of Sept. 11!
Distortions: I am feeling a bit disassociated and want to feel more present. I am terrified of making a commitment and having that one person be the repository of all my trust. I am TERRIFIED of something happening to him or us. I am scared to be away from home when the giant letdown of stress hits. It took me several weeks to calm down last time. I KNOW this isn't last time, but it's hard to let go of that.
My fiancé spent the night here at the hotel, and that was absolutely the right choice. I woke up at 5 and couldn't get back to sleep, then puked around 8:30. (I've never, ever puked from nerves.) Eating a banana slowly now.
I KNOW it will be okay. I am just not feeling it. What techniques can I use for this immediate stuff and the next week or two as we wind down?
Life is scary when you get to thinking about it too much. And this realization becomes so much more real during major events such as, uh well: a MAJOR commitment to another person in the form of a wedding (hence the puking). I'm not trying to up your anxiety, but just pointing out that even the everyday is scary and risky so you're going to have to put a little more faith in yourself and particularly your partner. There's a reason you're marrying this person, right? FOCUS ON THAT and revel in the fact that you were fortunate to have found this person. All the best...
posted by arizona80 at 8:17 AM on September 10, 2011
posted by arizona80 at 8:17 AM on September 10, 2011
Also, get off the internet and go get married. Be around people. Have your briesmaids fuss over you.
posted by TheBones at 8:18 AM on September 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by TheBones at 8:18 AM on September 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
did you feel relaxed yesterday? last week? last month? did you feel sure when he asked you to marry him? when you picked out your dress? when you planned your honeymoon?
remember those times, hold on to them. this is an official proceeding. you guys have already made the commitment to each other. now you're just writing it down and saying it in front of friends and family. this is the celebration of the love you already share. you aren't changing how you feel today, just what you're called.
as to the let down and the honeymoon - can you move your flight by a day? give you a day to come down, to settle, and then take your trip? if not - try to find joy in the fact that you'll be so busy flying and with logistics that you won't have time to see all the dumb "where were you/remembering our fallen heroes/politicking" coverage that will be plastered every where.
try to separate the anxieties in your mind. if when you start thinking about the marriage and the wedding you also think of the flight - stop and remind yourself "those are separate concerns and aren't related."
good luck! and congratulations!
posted by nadawi at 8:24 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
remember those times, hold on to them. this is an official proceeding. you guys have already made the commitment to each other. now you're just writing it down and saying it in front of friends and family. this is the celebration of the love you already share. you aren't changing how you feel today, just what you're called.
as to the let down and the honeymoon - can you move your flight by a day? give you a day to come down, to settle, and then take your trip? if not - try to find joy in the fact that you'll be so busy flying and with logistics that you won't have time to see all the dumb "where were you/remembering our fallen heroes/politicking" coverage that will be plastered every where.
try to separate the anxieties in your mind. if when you start thinking about the marriage and the wedding you also think of the flight - stop and remind yourself "those are separate concerns and aren't related."
good luck! and congratulations!
posted by nadawi at 8:24 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Does somebody have a puppy or a kitty they can bring to you? Maybe a very agreeable baby? Spend some time chilling out with something soft and cute, and let your blood pressure drop back down a bit.
posted by phunniemee at 8:24 AM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 8:24 AM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
First, if you have time, take an nice anonymous, very brisk walk. Next, find a friend and score a low mg Ativan or Valium, and then take another one 1/2 hour before the ceremony (but don't drink more than a champagne or two).
posted by thinkpiece at 8:28 AM on September 10, 2011
posted by thinkpiece at 8:28 AM on September 10, 2011
if you've never had valium or ativan before, i wouldn't start on your wedding day.
posted by nadawi at 8:35 AM on September 10, 2011 [31 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 8:35 AM on September 10, 2011 [31 favorites]
You're gonna be fine. I've read your posts regarding your relationship. It seems like a good one. Congratulations, and I hope that one day I myself will have to suffer through a similar attack of nerves. :)
Oh, and yes, take benzodiazepines as other MeFites have recommended. Just don't make a habit of it.
posted by xenophile at 8:36 AM on September 10, 2011
Oh, and yes, take benzodiazepines as other MeFites have recommended. Just don't make a habit of it.
posted by xenophile at 8:36 AM on September 10, 2011
Call your fiancé/spend time with them if you think that will help. Break the silly rule that you can't see each other before the wedding.
posted by quodlibet at 8:59 AM on September 10, 2011
posted by quodlibet at 8:59 AM on September 10, 2011
Best answer: Lifetime! Commitment!
Stop thinking of it like this. You already made the commitment! And nothing horrible happened. This is just a gathering to celebrate the commitment that you have ALREADY MADE, with a little ritual flourish to make the audience feel like they actually got to see something happen.
Jeanette Winterson quote:
“What marries me to you? Is it a piece of paper? Then I am not married to you. Is it Church approval? Then I am not married to you. Is it the fact of a roof, the fact of a bed, the fact of two keys in one lock? Then I am not married to you .Is it the Eye of the Law? Then I am not married to you.
If it is the daily pleasure in your face. It if is in the quickening of my spirits at your face, if it is your face I seek when I Seek no other, if it is the love of you that is consent, if it is consent to be of the same mind, then let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. There is some latin that I understand: Consensus facit matrimonium et non concubitus, or “consent, and not cohabitation, constitutes matrimony.”
posted by hermitosis at 9:04 AM on September 10, 2011 [118 favorites]
Stop thinking of it like this. You already made the commitment! And nothing horrible happened. This is just a gathering to celebrate the commitment that you have ALREADY MADE, with a little ritual flourish to make the audience feel like they actually got to see something happen.
Jeanette Winterson quote:
“What marries me to you? Is it a piece of paper? Then I am not married to you. Is it Church approval? Then I am not married to you. Is it the fact of a roof, the fact of a bed, the fact of two keys in one lock? Then I am not married to you .Is it the Eye of the Law? Then I am not married to you.
If it is the daily pleasure in your face. It if is in the quickening of my spirits at your face, if it is your face I seek when I Seek no other, if it is the love of you that is consent, if it is consent to be of the same mind, then let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. There is some latin that I understand: Consensus facit matrimonium et non concubitus, or “consent, and not cohabitation, constitutes matrimony.”
posted by hermitosis at 9:04 AM on September 10, 2011 [118 favorites]
I'm getting married next weekend, and the cascade of anxious thoughts has been gripping me for the past few days too. "Oh my god, we still have to do THIS THING! And what if my parents forget THAT THING! And I don't know what to do about THIS OTHER THING!!! And what if our flights get delayed or our luggage gets lost or the world ends before we make it to our honeymoon?!?" It all kind of spirals into itself, which is making me feel awful.
My fiance, in a fit of brilliance last night, told me that any time I start freaking out, I should say out loud "It's all going to be fine" and then take a few deep breaths. It turns out that saying it out loud helps more than just thinking it in my head.
Also, when you notice your anxieties running away with you, try to distract yourself with something unrelated. Lately I've been asking myself "What's my favorite...?" to stop the spiral of worries. What's my favorite muffin? Favorite dog breed? Favorite ice cream topping? I can sort of argue back and forth with myself about the merits of blueberry vs. banana nut, which is easier than getting my mind to stop racing all together, but far less stressful.
Good luck! You'll make it through this, and it really is all going to be fine!
posted by vytae at 9:04 AM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
My fiance, in a fit of brilliance last night, told me that any time I start freaking out, I should say out loud "It's all going to be fine" and then take a few deep breaths. It turns out that saying it out loud helps more than just thinking it in my head.
Also, when you notice your anxieties running away with you, try to distract yourself with something unrelated. Lately I've been asking myself "What's my favorite...?" to stop the spiral of worries. What's my favorite muffin? Favorite dog breed? Favorite ice cream topping? I can sort of argue back and forth with myself about the merits of blueberry vs. banana nut, which is easier than getting my mind to stop racing all together, but far less stressful.
Good luck! You'll make it through this, and it really is all going to be fine!
posted by vytae at 9:04 AM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you've taken a Valium or a Xanax or whatever before, and you have access to one now and it won't totally hose you, by all means, GO TAKE ONE.
If you haven't taken one before or you don't have one available, sit somewhere quietly and take slow, deep breaths. Breathe in for a slow count of four (or longer), hold the breath for the same length, and then slowly exhale for the same length. Keep repeating, nice and slow, make your inhale and your exhale the same length and hold the breath before you let it out.
Everything is going to be okay. Your brain is just pumping out some weird chemicals right now, which is making you feel edgy and freaked out. It's okay. Just keep breathing, maybe do some light yoga if you're able -- nice big stretches, like downward dog, or warrior I/II, things that use a lot of your body at once. Drink a big glass of water. Call a friend, call your fiance, break that dumb rule of not seeing each other before the wedding.
You're going to be totally fine. You're just going through some high stress events right now! What you're feeling is normal! And it will pass!
Good luck! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts today. :)
posted by palomar at 9:09 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you haven't taken one before or you don't have one available, sit somewhere quietly and take slow, deep breaths. Breathe in for a slow count of four (or longer), hold the breath for the same length, and then slowly exhale for the same length. Keep repeating, nice and slow, make your inhale and your exhale the same length and hold the breath before you let it out.
Everything is going to be okay. Your brain is just pumping out some weird chemicals right now, which is making you feel edgy and freaked out. It's okay. Just keep breathing, maybe do some light yoga if you're able -- nice big stretches, like downward dog, or warrior I/II, things that use a lot of your body at once. Drink a big glass of water. Call a friend, call your fiance, break that dumb rule of not seeing each other before the wedding.
You're going to be totally fine. You're just going through some high stress events right now! What you're feeling is normal! And it will pass!
Good luck! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts today. :)
posted by palomar at 9:09 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Take a deep breath. And another. And another.
Um, unless you're still eating that banana. Don't inhale deeply with chewed banana in your mouth. (Listen, I don't know about you, but on my wedding day, there were moments when I would have needed someone to clarify that for me: don't inhale banana pulp.)
I'll tell you what you already know: this is going to be fine. More than fine, this is going to be GREAT.
But it's perfectly natural to be experiencing some strong anxiety right now: a wedding can be a big ball of [planning anxiety/social pressure/emotional excitement] all snarled up together and all converging on a very few hours. Remember that this is about a marriage, not a wedding, which can help you reframe your focal point.
One thing The Fella and I said to each other during the planning and especially in the last few days and hours before our wedding: "And then we'll be married!" Remember that's the main goal: whatever else happens today, when it's over, you'll be with the person you want to be with!
I suggest designating one person to make sure you get your basic needs attended to. Do you normally drink coffee? Eat breakfast? Take medication? Go for a jog? There should be one person with whom you're very comfortable (not the groom! He's having an emotional day, too!) who helps to facilitate those basic needs.
My Best Woman did a lot of things on the day of our wedding, but I had assigned her two crucial, top-priority tasks months ahead: make sure I get coffee. Make sure I get breakfast. Stand over me and watch me eat and drink to be sure I don't flake! Is there someone you can ask to do the same?
I am TERRIFIED of something happening to him or us.
A few nights ago, I was lying awake was remembering my first partner's death. I almost woke up my husband to say "NEVER DIE, OKAY? PROMISE?" But that's just silly. Someday I will lose him or he will lose me, and that's just the way it is. The flipside of love is the dread of losing the loved one, I'm afraid.
And we accept it... because grief (and the promise of it) gives gravity to our joy. Our anticipation of grief shows us the depth of our love by showing us how we would (and how we will) cry for our loved ones when they pass out of our ken. I would not want a love that would be undiminished by eventual loss. It would be empty.
posted by Elsa at 9:20 AM on September 10, 2011 [15 favorites]
Um, unless you're still eating that banana. Don't inhale deeply with chewed banana in your mouth. (Listen, I don't know about you, but on my wedding day, there were moments when I would have needed someone to clarify that for me: don't inhale banana pulp.)
I'll tell you what you already know: this is going to be fine. More than fine, this is going to be GREAT.
But it's perfectly natural to be experiencing some strong anxiety right now: a wedding can be a big ball of [planning anxiety/social pressure/emotional excitement] all snarled up together and all converging on a very few hours. Remember that this is about a marriage, not a wedding, which can help you reframe your focal point.
One thing The Fella and I said to each other during the planning and especially in the last few days and hours before our wedding: "And then we'll be married!" Remember that's the main goal: whatever else happens today, when it's over, you'll be with the person you want to be with!
I suggest designating one person to make sure you get your basic needs attended to. Do you normally drink coffee? Eat breakfast? Take medication? Go for a jog? There should be one person with whom you're very comfortable (not the groom! He's having an emotional day, too!) who helps to facilitate those basic needs.
My Best Woman did a lot of things on the day of our wedding, but I had assigned her two crucial, top-priority tasks months ahead: make sure I get coffee. Make sure I get breakfast. Stand over me and watch me eat and drink to be sure I don't flake! Is there someone you can ask to do the same?
I am TERRIFIED of something happening to him or us.
A few nights ago, I was lying awake was remembering my first partner's death. I almost woke up my husband to say "NEVER DIE, OKAY? PROMISE?" But that's just silly. Someday I will lose him or he will lose me, and that's just the way it is. The flipside of love is the dread of losing the loved one, I'm afraid.
And we accept it... because grief (and the promise of it) gives gravity to our joy. Our anticipation of grief shows us the depth of our love by showing us how we would (and how we will) cry for our loved ones when they pass out of our ken. I would not want a love that would be undiminished by eventual loss. It would be empty.
posted by Elsa at 9:20 AM on September 10, 2011 [15 favorites]
I think a benzo would be ideal in this situation, but ONLY if you have experience with it of course, and of course you'll have to watch drinking. Failing that, alcohol if you do drink, but maybe something light, like champagne or a bit of vodka with ginger since you threw up from the nerves ( i have done this!). Good luck! You'll have a great day.
If this happens to you more than on extremely infrequent and rare occasions like weddings, you should ask your doctor about having a few benz on hand just in case.
posted by sweetkid at 9:21 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
If this happens to you more than on extremely infrequent and rare occasions like weddings, you should ask your doctor about having a few benz on hand just in case.
posted by sweetkid at 9:21 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you run, run now. A good three-miler, followed by a glass of water and a shot of whiskey. Jameson's is pretty smooth. Makers knocks off all the fuzzy shit on your brain, and I've taken it to every wedding I've ever attended to good effect. The wife just popped in and said Jim Beam does just as well. (I like Jack, and it's classic, but it doesn't take the edge off properly.)
posted by notsnot at 9:36 AM on September 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by notsnot at 9:36 AM on September 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
My Mom told me that when she was standing at the altar and the priest was reading the words of the marriage vows she suddenly felt like puking. "What the hell am I doing?" she says she thought. "I'm signing my life away!" Anyway, she and Dad had been married 52 years when Dad passed away earlier this year. Still, when I got engaged she repeated that story to me umpteen times, I guess to let me know that if I had any doubts at all it was OK to call everything off. She is one of those "big commitments make her worry" types I guess, and unfortunately has passed some of her "always picturing the worst case scenario" way of thinking on to me. I wasn't at all worried about marrying Mr. Adams; but I do worry myself to the point of sleeplessness over some things like leaving for any vacation (even for just a weekend) - "What if someone breaks into our house? What if we have an accident on the road?" etc. Mr. Adams has often gently reminded me that I'm sucking all the fun out of a planned adventure before we even get started. So I try and remember that we've gone on hundreds of trips and nothing bad has happened. I repeat to myself that worry is simply thinking about what you don't want to happen and is a waste of time and emotional energy. It helps a little.
So, for you, the wedding is probably already done and hopefully you've made it through just fine. As for the let-down feeling after returning from your honeymoon, try and focus on the fact that now you can finally relax and not spend every waking moment on wedding preparations. You'll keep busy sending thank you notes and settling into a new, pleasant daily routine with your husband. Most everyone feels somewhat empty/let-down after something like summer vacation or a special festive event. The best way to conquer that feeling is to find something else to look forward to, like going out to a new restaurant for a "date night" or planning next year's vacation. Keep looking forward. Best of luck and congratulations!
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:00 AM on September 10, 2011
So, for you, the wedding is probably already done and hopefully you've made it through just fine. As for the let-down feeling after returning from your honeymoon, try and focus on the fact that now you can finally relax and not spend every waking moment on wedding preparations. You'll keep busy sending thank you notes and settling into a new, pleasant daily routine with your husband. Most everyone feels somewhat empty/let-down after something like summer vacation or a special festive event. The best way to conquer that feeling is to find something else to look forward to, like going out to a new restaurant for a "date night" or planning next year's vacation. Keep looking forward. Best of luck and congratulations!
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:00 AM on September 10, 2011
2nding xanax. Call your doctor, you'll get the answering service. When you get the callback, tell your story. They could call in a prescription. Xanax gives very fast relief of anxiety, and is short-acting, so won't wreck you for the day. Start with 1/4 or 1/2. Easy to take more in 20 minutes if you need it. I am not a health care professional; that's why you should call your doctor. Taking a walk or run then long shower is also an excellent idea.
John Gottman has done a lot of research on what makes marriages work. or not. Read up on the things that work after the wedding. Here are the 4 indicators of marriages that don't work:
* Sarcasm
* Contempt
* Stonewalling
* An unwillingness to meet a spouse's requests
Contempt alone is a deal-breaker. Sarcasm is very problematic. Stonewalling and/or An unwillingness to meet a spouse's requests are harder to judge accurately.
It's okay to get married and feel doubt. Is he kind to you? Does he meet your basic standards for friendship and companionship? Then trust the choice you've made. If he is ever kind of mean or significantly disrespectful? Listen to your doubts. It's okay to postpone a marriage.
Come back to the thread later, and let us know how it went. I think you're going to come back with a link to the wedding pictures. Mazel tov.
posted by theora55 at 10:03 AM on September 10, 2011
John Gottman has done a lot of research on what makes marriages work. or not. Read up on the things that work after the wedding. Here are the 4 indicators of marriages that don't work:
* Sarcasm
* Contempt
* Stonewalling
* An unwillingness to meet a spouse's requests
Contempt alone is a deal-breaker. Sarcasm is very problematic. Stonewalling and/or An unwillingness to meet a spouse's requests are harder to judge accurately.
It's okay to get married and feel doubt. Is he kind to you? Does he meet your basic standards for friendship and companionship? Then trust the choice you've made. If he is ever kind of mean or significantly disrespectful? Listen to your doubts. It's okay to postpone a marriage.
Come back to the thread later, and let us know how it went. I think you're going to come back with a link to the wedding pictures. Mazel tov.
posted by theora55 at 10:03 AM on September 10, 2011
Can't tell you how many weddings I've been at where the bride, groom, or both had to have xanax, valium, or liquor.
I officiated one recently where the groom had xanax, the bride's entire family passed a flask of vodka before coming down the aisle, and the groom still almost fainted at the altar because he was so nervous.
It'll be much, much better once it's over.
This kind of panic's pretty normal, as is waking up in the middle of the night during your first year of marriage going, "Wait! Why did I marry this guy? FOR ALL I KNOW HE COULD BE AN AXE MURDERER!" I need a LOLCat that says "Big transitions are big."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:31 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
I officiated one recently where the groom had xanax, the bride's entire family passed a flask of vodka before coming down the aisle, and the groom still almost fainted at the altar because he was so nervous.
It'll be much, much better once it's over.
This kind of panic's pretty normal, as is waking up in the middle of the night during your first year of marriage going, "Wait! Why did I marry this guy? FOR ALL I KNOW HE COULD BE AN AXE MURDERER!" I need a LOLCat that says "Big transitions are big."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:31 AM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, can we dial down the "GO GET A PILL" rhetoric? A feeling of disassociation is pretty damn normal in this context. I want to give you a calming e-hug.
I feel like I've given this advice more often than normal recently, but here goes:
Be you.
Be you in this moment.
Grab the absolute shit out of the moment and never, ever let it go.
posted by Sphinx at 11:01 AM on September 10, 2011 [8 favorites]
I feel like I've given this advice more often than normal recently, but here goes:
Be you.
Be you in this moment.
Grab the absolute shit out of the moment and never, ever let it go.
posted by Sphinx at 11:01 AM on September 10, 2011 [8 favorites]
I was with a friend on the morning of her wedding when she had a freak out. What I asked her was, "do you love him?" and then "does he love you" and then just said "as long as that's true, you're going to be fine." I also gave her a big hug - do you have anyone who can give you a big hug?
I hope things go well today and at the end of the day you're feeling good with things.
posted by sciencegeek at 12:48 PM on September 10, 2011
I hope things go well today and at the end of the day you're feeling good with things.
posted by sciencegeek at 12:48 PM on September 10, 2011
Wow, I'm amazed at all the take a Xanax, take a Valium talk.
You're nervous. That's okay! If it were me, I'd still want to be in the moment when I actually got to the ceremony, and also maybe not look stoned or dazed in my photos.
I was actually really calm on my wedding day. I also had a couple friends that were throwing up and incredibly anxious on their wedding days, though. We're all still married.
I think you are putting WAY too much significance on the ceremony. A wedding is just a day, it's the marriage that's important, and you've already committed to this person. This is just putting a seal on the deal, that's all.
You've been hurt once, so you're panicking, but you already know your partner is not THAT partner and rationally, you also know that, hard as it was, if you absolutely had to go through something like that again, you could survive and come out again okay in the end. You're going to be fine.
Now stop focusing on the ceremony and start thinking about how much fun the rest of the day will be, celebrating your life ahead with your friends and family and your guy.
posted by misha at 12:54 PM on September 10, 2011
You're nervous. That's okay! If it were me, I'd still want to be in the moment when I actually got to the ceremony, and also maybe not look stoned or dazed in my photos.
I was actually really calm on my wedding day. I also had a couple friends that were throwing up and incredibly anxious on their wedding days, though. We're all still married.
I think you are putting WAY too much significance on the ceremony. A wedding is just a day, it's the marriage that's important, and you've already committed to this person. This is just putting a seal on the deal, that's all.
You've been hurt once, so you're panicking, but you already know your partner is not THAT partner and rationally, you also know that, hard as it was, if you absolutely had to go through something like that again, you could survive and come out again okay in the end. You're going to be fine.
Now stop focusing on the ceremony and start thinking about how much fun the rest of the day will be, celebrating your life ahead with your friends and family and your guy.
posted by misha at 12:54 PM on September 10, 2011
Obviously, ymmv, but in general, .5 mg of xanax or valium or ativan will not make your average, average-sized adult dazed or stoned, un-present or weak or a druggie, fwiw. The feeling is more like flattening the anxiety, not your personality or experience.
posted by thinkpiece at 2:29 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 2:29 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you haven't done this already, make a list, a hand-written list that you can cross things off of, and put it in your pocket (or, you know, in your purse, since your dress probably doesn't have a pocket). This list should include any of the actual logistical things you need to do or remember to tell others to do during the next few hours.
Then get your people around you. Do you have attendants? Get them together and talk to them and get them to get you food and figure out together if there are any last-minute things that need doing. This is the work of a wedding; this is why you have attendants. It's not just for show! Get them to talk to you and bring you things (food, caffeine, alcohol, etc.) that will help you feel better. If there are any last-minute things that need doing, get them to do them or call people who can.
Do you have a photographer who's taking pictures of you getting ready or anything like that? If so, focus on the things the photographer needs—certain shots of your dress, your accessories, your attendants, etc.—and don't think so much about the fact of your actually getting married. Even if you aren't getting photographed now or at any point soon, maybe you need to do your makeup (or have it done?), do your hair (or have it done?), make sure you have all the things you need (marriage license, accessories, shoes, comfy shoes for later, anything else that's not already at the wedding site). Do an inventory of things. Concentrate on the things. Things will keep you sane.
You have attendants and an officiant and maybe even reception vendors to coordinate things with (unless you have a planner—and even then, that counts as someone to coordinate with), most likely. Check in with them, if need be. Again, focus on the things. The things will keep you sane. Remember, you had to choose all of these things to make this happen. You chose all of these things for a reason: You love your partner and you want to be married to this person. So focus on the things—they're what get you to where you want to be. All of the other stuff in marriage, the depending on the other person and worrying about the other person and trusting the other person and traveling with the other person? That's later, and that's all negotiated on a day-to-day basis. Marriage is about walking the line, about doing the right things day by day. Don't worry about all of the days to come. Just focus on doing the right things today.
And also, if you're getting married today, that also means (probably) you get to see all (or a lot) of friends and family you never see today. Focus on those logistics—think about how you're going to make sure to stop and talk to all of the important people, and/or give gifts to your attendants, and/or get a photo with this, that, or the other set of people you never see. Focus on doing the things. Things will keep you sane.
There are so many little details that go into this day, and you want to do them and remember them—that alone is a thing that the two of you have made happen, and you can return to those memories in the future whenever things get off track. It's not that you're going to fetishize your wedding with any of this—it's that there's a reason you're doing the things you're doing, and that this is a set of memories you're making that you'll hopefully be able to return to time and time again in the future. So just be in the moment. Focus on the things. Focus on the people. Let go and let others look out for you today.
posted by limeonaire at 3:17 PM on September 10, 2011
Then get your people around you. Do you have attendants? Get them together and talk to them and get them to get you food and figure out together if there are any last-minute things that need doing. This is the work of a wedding; this is why you have attendants. It's not just for show! Get them to talk to you and bring you things (food, caffeine, alcohol, etc.) that will help you feel better. If there are any last-minute things that need doing, get them to do them or call people who can.
Do you have a photographer who's taking pictures of you getting ready or anything like that? If so, focus on the things the photographer needs—certain shots of your dress, your accessories, your attendants, etc.—and don't think so much about the fact of your actually getting married. Even if you aren't getting photographed now or at any point soon, maybe you need to do your makeup (or have it done?), do your hair (or have it done?), make sure you have all the things you need (marriage license, accessories, shoes, comfy shoes for later, anything else that's not already at the wedding site). Do an inventory of things. Concentrate on the things. Things will keep you sane.
You have attendants and an officiant and maybe even reception vendors to coordinate things with (unless you have a planner—and even then, that counts as someone to coordinate with), most likely. Check in with them, if need be. Again, focus on the things. The things will keep you sane. Remember, you had to choose all of these things to make this happen. You chose all of these things for a reason: You love your partner and you want to be married to this person. So focus on the things—they're what get you to where you want to be. All of the other stuff in marriage, the depending on the other person and worrying about the other person and trusting the other person and traveling with the other person? That's later, and that's all negotiated on a day-to-day basis. Marriage is about walking the line, about doing the right things day by day. Don't worry about all of the days to come. Just focus on doing the right things today.
And also, if you're getting married today, that also means (probably) you get to see all (or a lot) of friends and family you never see today. Focus on those logistics—think about how you're going to make sure to stop and talk to all of the important people, and/or give gifts to your attendants, and/or get a photo with this, that, or the other set of people you never see. Focus on doing the things. Things will keep you sane.
There are so many little details that go into this day, and you want to do them and remember them—that alone is a thing that the two of you have made happen, and you can return to those memories in the future whenever things get off track. It's not that you're going to fetishize your wedding with any of this—it's that there's a reason you're doing the things you're doing, and that this is a set of memories you're making that you'll hopefully be able to return to time and time again in the future. So just be in the moment. Focus on the things. Focus on the people. Let go and let others look out for you today.
posted by limeonaire at 3:17 PM on September 10, 2011
Also? Everyone's brain gets a little weird toward (and on) their wedding day. Personally, I started just outright forgetting things. Anything that wasn't written down and on a list on my person, I would forget. I made piles of things that had to be various places at various times. I made a list of people to check in with and made calls while I was waiting for my hair appointment. I felt like I was organizing a campaign. I'd look around at all the things, say out loud, "OK, we're doin' good; we're doin' great. We're gettin' there." I ended up relying on our attendants a lot more than I thought I would, just for little things like getting me water or getting out (or putting away) various things or making sure we had a pen to sign documents or running cards over to the caterer or making sure we got everything out of the venue by the end of the night. Whoever you have with you today, let them help you. Again: Eat something. Stay hydrated; on the flip side of that, pee before you get in your dress, 'cause you might not get to again for a long time. Remember: Don't lock your knees when you're standing. You've been here before, so maybe these logistical things are kind of old hat—but still, focusing on them can help keep you from focusing on those bigger-picture questions that are kind of out of your control at this point. Remember: Breathe through your nose and it's impossible to hyperventilate. : )
posted by limeonaire at 3:29 PM on September 10, 2011
posted by limeonaire at 3:29 PM on September 10, 2011
Best answer: (It is fun to answer this. Also, read my card.)
You were functionally married for a while already. I think that the process of proposal and wedding planning and all is what happens when a part of you has already vowed to do all the stuff you vowed to do today. The only special thing about today was that we all got to see that. (Also you got to dress up and organize a party and stuff.) It didn't change your great relationship, and I can say that for sure because you guys rock, and also because you know from prior experience that it doesn't change ungood relationships and have learned to recognize the ungoodness.
So my recommendation for the next couple of weeks is just to be yourselves. Breathe. See that you both are just the same as you were before, since you made the commitment a long time ago. And in this case, "just the same" means "still wicked awesome". *hugs*
That said I also think all the meta-dissociative stuff is a pretty normal thing, and you shouldn't worry that feeling it means there's a problem, which makes it worse, and on down the spiral.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:26 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
You were functionally married for a while already. I think that the process of proposal and wedding planning and all is what happens when a part of you has already vowed to do all the stuff you vowed to do today. The only special thing about today was that we all got to see that. (Also you got to dress up and organize a party and stuff.) It didn't change your great relationship, and I can say that for sure because you guys rock, and also because you know from prior experience that it doesn't change ungood relationships and have learned to recognize the ungoodness.
So my recommendation for the next couple of weeks is just to be yourselves. Breathe. See that you both are just the same as you were before, since you made the commitment a long time ago. And in this case, "just the same" means "still wicked awesome". *hugs*
That said I also think all the meta-dissociative stuff is a pretty normal thing, and you shouldn't worry that feeling it means there's a problem, which makes it worse, and on down the spiral.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:26 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Wel, I'm here.
The wedding itself, once it got ramped up and things were moving, was wonderful. People had a great time. The thing that allowed me to get to that point was probably taking a pregnant friend's Zofran pill to ward off the nausea.
Yesterday was very, very hard. I woke up early and was okay until my thoughts started racing again. I threw up again and took another antinausea pill, then called the nurse line. She said to take either Dramamine or Benadryl for some sedating effects. I managed to take the 1.5 hour drive to the airport okay, although i was pretty weepy at times (but rationalizing that it was okay to be emotional; lots of people have anxiety issues), then felt calmer on the flight. We made it to our very quiet b&b in Cape Cod and I felt pretty good. We got some pizza, watched tv, then went to bed early.
Today I woke up and tentatively felt good. Then things started hitting again -- although, thankfully, they seem to be less. I haven't puked, but I have been curled up in a cocoon in bed with a cold cloth on my head. The racing thoughts are not as bad, but I don't want to do ANYTHING, even go outside or eat breakfast or watch TV. I had two pieces of melon but am still in here.
I feel very bad for my husband (calling him that, or thinking about the wedding, scares me) but he has homework to finish and as always is a rock.
I might try to do a Netflix yoga video a little later, but as much as I am antsy I feel kind of like this cocoon here is the only place I can trust.
This too shall pass. I just wish it would be soon.
posted by Madamina at 8:42 AM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
The wedding itself, once it got ramped up and things were moving, was wonderful. People had a great time. The thing that allowed me to get to that point was probably taking a pregnant friend's Zofran pill to ward off the nausea.
Yesterday was very, very hard. I woke up early and was okay until my thoughts started racing again. I threw up again and took another antinausea pill, then called the nurse line. She said to take either Dramamine or Benadryl for some sedating effects. I managed to take the 1.5 hour drive to the airport okay, although i was pretty weepy at times (but rationalizing that it was okay to be emotional; lots of people have anxiety issues), then felt calmer on the flight. We made it to our very quiet b&b in Cape Cod and I felt pretty good. We got some pizza, watched tv, then went to bed early.
Today I woke up and tentatively felt good. Then things started hitting again -- although, thankfully, they seem to be less. I haven't puked, but I have been curled up in a cocoon in bed with a cold cloth on my head. The racing thoughts are not as bad, but I don't want to do ANYTHING, even go outside or eat breakfast or watch TV. I had two pieces of melon but am still in here.
I feel very bad for my husband (calling him that, or thinking about the wedding, scares me) but he has homework to finish and as always is a rock.
I might try to do a Netflix yoga video a little later, but as much as I am antsy I feel kind of like this cocoon here is the only place I can trust.
This too shall pass. I just wish it would be soon.
posted by Madamina at 8:42 AM on September 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
(Internet hug). You can do this. Good luck, Madamina.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:54 AM on September 12, 2011
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:54 AM on September 12, 2011
Take it one hour at a time if you have to, Madamina. It's all going to be okay. I'm keeping you in my thoughts still. Just take it nice and slow -- breathe, drink some water, just lay there if that's what you need right now. Maybe later, if you're feeling stronger, call a trusted friend who can help talk you down a bit. If you want to talk, MeMail me -- I'm always happy to listen to someone who needs an ear.
posted by palomar at 10:49 AM on September 12, 2011
posted by palomar at 10:49 AM on September 12, 2011
Best answer: I feel very bad for my husband (calling him that, or thinking about the wedding, scares me)
That's not necessarily an odd or bad thing. I'm not telling you to second-guess your own feelings --- not at all --- but just giving another person's perspective in case it's helpful or calming.
I was absolutely delighted and unconflicted about marrying The Fella, but the word "husband" felt weird and sort of awful in my mouth for a long while after we got married. For me, it was tangled up in a lot of ideas about my own identity, and I had never given any brain-space to the idea of "a husband." It felt foreign and maybe a little intrusive. The whole idea of getting married was a big pill to swallow.
And an extreme physical reaction after a wedding sounds not-unexpected to me, too. I remember we acted like we'd each taken a hard blow to the head for the next few days after the wedding: absent-minded, easily confused, and dropping off to sleep at random times around the clock.
Yesterday was very, very hard. I woke up early and was okay until my thoughts started racing again.
This is a shot in the dark: did you do a lot of the wedding planning yourself? Did it get a little crazy? I did most of the planning for our DIY wedding, and after it was over, part of my brain simply refused to accept that WE ARE DONE PLANNING NOW, BRAIN, YOU CAN CHILL OUT. I would wake up with my heart thumping, wondering if I'd bought enough cups (or whatever). Is there any chance that the racing thoughts are your brains jumping into planning mode, then spinning its wheels when it turns out there's nothing pressing to plan?
Take good care of yourself and see if these reactions pass. If they do, they may have been reactions to the social and emotional pressure of OMG The Wedding.
posted by Elsa at 12:27 PM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
That's not necessarily an odd or bad thing. I'm not telling you to second-guess your own feelings --- not at all --- but just giving another person's perspective in case it's helpful or calming.
I was absolutely delighted and unconflicted about marrying The Fella, but the word "husband" felt weird and sort of awful in my mouth for a long while after we got married. For me, it was tangled up in a lot of ideas about my own identity, and I had never given any brain-space to the idea of "a husband." It felt foreign and maybe a little intrusive. The whole idea of getting married was a big pill to swallow.
And an extreme physical reaction after a wedding sounds not-unexpected to me, too. I remember we acted like we'd each taken a hard blow to the head for the next few days after the wedding: absent-minded, easily confused, and dropping off to sleep at random times around the clock.
Yesterday was very, very hard. I woke up early and was okay until my thoughts started racing again.
This is a shot in the dark: did you do a lot of the wedding planning yourself? Did it get a little crazy? I did most of the planning for our DIY wedding, and after it was over, part of my brain simply refused to accept that WE ARE DONE PLANNING NOW, BRAIN, YOU CAN CHILL OUT. I would wake up with my heart thumping, wondering if I'd bought enough cups (or whatever). Is there any chance that the racing thoughts are your brains jumping into planning mode, then spinning its wheels when it turns out there's nothing pressing to plan?
Take good care of yourself and see if these reactions pass. If they do, they may have been reactions to the social and emotional pressure of OMG The Wedding.
posted by Elsa at 12:27 PM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Yes, Elsa, that's exactly what happened. I did everything myself, with very little help from anyone, especially my aforementioned crazy mom. My maid of honor was my brother and my other bridesmaid was five hours away, so although they were nice to me, they didn't really know how to help.
We came home from the honeymoon a day early, partially because he was Cape Codded out as well. I never quite realized how much I lean on cable TV for comfort :P
Things were a little better after I had my doctor phone in a prescription for Atarax, an antinausea/antianxiety med. Mornings seem to be the worst -- and yes, we did end up getting a pregnancy test as pretty much our only souvenir (negative, thankfully).
So yesterday was a pretty relaxing day on the couch, but today we have to go down to Iowa for... our OTHER wedding party thing. Good lord. Thankfully, it'll just be a potluck in jeans, but I am making the boy do everything, which he cheerfully accepts. When we got back, I felt pretty disoriented, but the Iowa routine is pretty familiar.
I'm just sad that I can't enjoy it more, worried about being on some ridiculous cocktail of uppers/downers/antidepressants when I go back to work on Monday (which should probably help, if I have stuff to do) and just generally wishing this part would be over and that I knew how to work with my body a bit more.
I think it's getting there. I am just so very tired and sad.
posted by Madamina at 9:50 AM on September 16, 2011
We came home from the honeymoon a day early, partially because he was Cape Codded out as well. I never quite realized how much I lean on cable TV for comfort :P
Things were a little better after I had my doctor phone in a prescription for Atarax, an antinausea/antianxiety med. Mornings seem to be the worst -- and yes, we did end up getting a pregnancy test as pretty much our only souvenir (negative, thankfully).
So yesterday was a pretty relaxing day on the couch, but today we have to go down to Iowa for... our OTHER wedding party thing. Good lord. Thankfully, it'll just be a potluck in jeans, but I am making the boy do everything, which he cheerfully accepts. When we got back, I felt pretty disoriented, but the Iowa routine is pretty familiar.
I'm just sad that I can't enjoy it more, worried about being on some ridiculous cocktail of uppers/downers/antidepressants when I go back to work on Monday (which should probably help, if I have stuff to do) and just generally wishing this part would be over and that I knew how to work with my body a bit more.
I think it's getting there. I am just so very tired and sad.
posted by Madamina at 9:50 AM on September 16, 2011
today we have to go down to Iowa for... our OTHER wedding party thing. Good lord.
No wonder you're still experiencing wedding-related anxiety: the wedding pageant is still going on! That kind of ramp-up to a big event is SUPER STRESSFUL (emotionally and even physically) and you're having to sustain it for a loooooong time. It's not terribly surprising that your body is sending distress signals telling you it's under pressure.
but I am making the boy do everything, which he cheerfully accepts.
This sounds like a great decision and hurray that he's so cheerfully shouldering this chunk of social/planning/whatever work. You two sound like a pretty great team.
It's wonderful that you're taking good care of yourself, and also wonderful that your partner is doing the same. My best wishes and congratulations to you both! Look forward to the end of the wedding parade when you can relax and see how you feel.
Have you two talked or joked about the stress itself? I found humor to be a powerful tool in ameliorating my own wedding anxiety. When my heart started to pound and my thoughts started to race, I would turn to The Fella and murmur gently "'Cram it with walnuts, cranky'?" He would nod and we would laugh and we would move on with our life. It was a little piece of code: we are here together, we are loving each other, and no matter what else happens during this wedding stuff, we will get through it as a team.
posted by Elsa at 11:36 AM on September 16, 2011
No wonder you're still experiencing wedding-related anxiety: the wedding pageant is still going on! That kind of ramp-up to a big event is SUPER STRESSFUL (emotionally and even physically) and you're having to sustain it for a loooooong time. It's not terribly surprising that your body is sending distress signals telling you it's under pressure.
but I am making the boy do everything, which he cheerfully accepts.
This sounds like a great decision and hurray that he's so cheerfully shouldering this chunk of social/planning/whatever work. You two sound like a pretty great team.
It's wonderful that you're taking good care of yourself, and also wonderful that your partner is doing the same. My best wishes and congratulations to you both! Look forward to the end of the wedding parade when you can relax and see how you feel.
Have you two talked or joked about the stress itself? I found humor to be a powerful tool in ameliorating my own wedding anxiety. When my heart started to pound and my thoughts started to race, I would turn to The Fella and murmur gently "'Cram it with walnuts, cranky'?" He would nod and we would laugh and we would move on with our life. It was a little piece of code: we are here together, we are loving each other, and no matter what else happens during this wedding stuff, we will get through it as a team.
posted by Elsa at 11:36 AM on September 16, 2011
"I'm just sad that I can't enjoy it more"
Don't worry about it! Weddings are so much for OTHER people, for the community.
You can always have a 10-year renewal ceremony, much more low-key, for y'all to enjoy. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:19 PM on September 16, 2011
Don't worry about it! Weddings are so much for OTHER people, for the community.
You can always have a 10-year renewal ceremony, much more low-key, for y'all to enjoy. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:19 PM on September 16, 2011
Response by poster: Dear everybody,
I am back at work after yet another day of the sick (SERIOUSLY?). Doin' okay. We're home and very much happy to be there together.
I do have good friends, but in my most anxious moments I trust pretty much nobody except my husband to tell me what's really up. You have been great on that front. (And hermitosis, if I hadn't printed the programs already I would have had my reader read your quote that day. It was amazing.)
Thank you.
posted by Madamina at 8:41 AM on September 20, 2011
I am back at work after yet another day of the sick (SERIOUSLY?). Doin' okay. We're home and very much happy to be there together.
I do have good friends, but in my most anxious moments I trust pretty much nobody except my husband to tell me what's really up. You have been great on that front. (And hermitosis, if I hadn't printed the programs already I would have had my reader read your quote that day. It was amazing.)
Thank you.
posted by Madamina at 8:41 AM on September 20, 2011
Response by poster: I think you're going to come back with a link to the wedding pictures. Mazel tov.
Posting about my dress elsewhere reminded me that I probably should post some here ;) I know things were totally haywire, but by gum, I was IN THAT FUCKING MOMENT.
Here are the most badass groomsmen ever. (The boy is in the middle.)
Feel free to poke around to see the others. I'm very happy to say that things are going great on many fronts, and we're both very appreciative of the support that all of you gave me/us.
Happy Valentine's Day, MetaFilter!
posted by Madamina at 7:57 AM on February 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Posting about my dress elsewhere reminded me that I probably should post some here ;) I know things were totally haywire, but by gum, I was IN THAT FUCKING MOMENT.
Here are the most badass groomsmen ever. (The boy is in the middle.)
Feel free to poke around to see the others. I'm very happy to say that things are going great on many fronts, and we're both very appreciative of the support that all of you gave me/us.
Happy Valentine's Day, MetaFilter!
posted by Madamina at 7:57 AM on February 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Your dress is absolutely gorgeous! Wow.
Thanks forposting the pictures here, too; I was starting to wonder if your username was actually Kim Kardashian's sockpuppet.
But the two of you make an adorable couple! Congratulations again (and I'm glad you've managed to calm down now.)
posted by misha at 11:13 AM on February 15, 2012
Thanks forposting the pictures here, too; I was starting to wonder if your username was actually Kim Kardashian's sockpuppet.
But the two of you make an adorable couple! Congratulations again (and I'm glad you've managed to calm down now.)
posted by misha at 11:13 AM on February 15, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
Best of luck with this day.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:08 AM on September 10, 2011 [4 favorites]