New guy moving away in a few weeks--how do I tell him what I think?
posted by queens86 to Human Relations (22 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I posted a question a few weeks ago about a guy I wasn’t head-over-heels for, asking if I should keep dating him or let him go. I kept dating him, and lo and behold, just when I started to get stronger feelings for him, he announces he is moving across the country at the end of the month for a job opportunity.
Bear with me, because this question might get confusing. I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking. Basically, I felt super confident and sure that he was really into me for the first two or three weeks of dating. Now, the past week or two, I have gotten more attached to him, and that security has been shaken a bit, not aided I am sure by the fact that he is about to move 3,000 miles away and I have no idea what he thinks will happen between us…
Practically, I know it’s not reasonable to start up some big-commitment long-distance thing. I personally am still not SO sure about him that I am ready to commit myself to him across such a big distance, and with no plans to live in the same city soon… but at the same time, I really, really like him and I am not ready to say that’s the end forever, either.
He is the most considerate, kindest, sweetest person I have ever dated. I still feel totally comfortable with him, we make each other laugh, and he always seems to know exactly what I want and then gives it to me. We see each other a lot: more or less every other day, except the past week we hung out every day til today. I still don’t have crazy butterflies but my doubts have shrunk considerably. Maybe these guys are crawling all over the place, but having dated mostly not-very-nice guys, I wouldn’t know it …
The city he is moving to is one I was seriously considering moving to several months ago, and one I can easily see myself in within the next year or two. I just made a big move two months ago so I’m not ready for another change yet, but when I am ready I can see myself in this city. I am young and have no real attachments. I would like to go visit him after he moves but he hasn’t asked me to yet … he has asked me to drive cross-country with him when he moves but nothing after that.
So, my problem is, what do I or do I not say about the “future” of what we’re doing? He hasn’t really brought it up… and I did text him the other day and say “I hope you don’t forget about me after you move” to which he said “I won’t forget about you… but is this really something you want to talk about?” Which in my mind, sort of means, let’s not be so serious about this …
For all I know, he could be not even considering seeing where it goes, and planning on not talking to me at all once he’s gone. It is very impractical. But if he is just planning on moving and not talking to me any more, I don’t really see why I am continuing to see him and getting more attached now. I could be dating other guys who will stay in my city and putting an end to any future-oriented fantasizing. I wouldn’t be spending so much time with him and letting myself get more invested.
I don’t want a serious long-distance commitment, but I’d like to stay in contact and leave the door open in case we do end up in the same place, and I’d like to go visit at some point (I have other friends in the city). I’m scared he just plans on moving and basically disappearing from my life forever. I’m at the point where I can’t really get more attached to him without actually being hurt if that happens. He wants to go away together this weekend, and I’m not sure if I’d do that if I knew he saw his moving as a total end to “us.”
Should I bring this up with him? I don’t want to put pressure on, freak him out, make him think I am ready to get married, etc. I feel like I should just chill out and see what happens, but I don’t want to develop stronger feelings for someone who sees absolutely no possible future with me. Is the fact that I even feel the need to bring this up a sign that I can tell he’s less invested than I am at this point?
Anyway, I am starting to feel somewhat insecure about this, and I don’t know if that’s natural and I should talk to him about it to clarify what will happen when he moves, or if I should just keep quiet and try to stop worrying about it. He obviously likes me—he texts me throughout the day, he wants to see me a lot, we joke about it when we do “coupley” things, and he tells me he really likes me. I feel on the one hand like I should just let it run its course and see what happens when he moves, but I also on the other hand feel like it’s important to know if we are at least somewhat headed in a similar direction…
Basically, I’m not sure if this is something I should discuss with him or how to do it without coming across as a needy mess.