Looking for childfree love in all the child loving places.
August 23, 2011 1:12 PM Subscribe
Dating filter: The women I tend to feel most connected to pretty much all want to have children. But I don't. Or at least, I mostly don't. How do I deal?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (48 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I'm 36, have been dating around for a long time. About 1.5 years ago I started dating someone who I eventually found myself really loving. And still love. She's someone I feel very comfortable around, an excellent communicator, funny and very loving. We had two big issues: a lack of sexual chemistry and a real difference regarding children. (I wanted a lot more, and a bit wilder sex, she was adamant about having children).
We've had our ups and downs and some really rough times but are slowly becoming stable friends (I think). She's dating someone now, and honestly I really hope it works out for her, as much as it makes me a little sad.
Anyway, my thoughts about kids have always been: there are women out there who don't want kids, and if I don't want them, I just need to find someone who doesn't.
I'm dating online (of course), and in my profile, I state pretty explicitely: "I'm not sure if I want kids, I lean towards not having them but it's possible I could be convinced. It's more important to me to find the right person to be with." That's the truth of the matter. I could see it happening, although it's truly daunting and frightening to me, and I could see it turning out to be a cool thing. But in general, I think I am like 85/15 or something like that.
The problem is...through okcupids questions, I'm able to see that most women that I would be interested want kids. The vast, vast majority of them. I know there is a percentage who don't, but I'm wondering if perhaps they are (generally) in a demographic that I'm not interested in.
I don't want to obfuscate on this information. If someone really wants kids and is 35 and seeing the end of their fertility in site, I certainly don't want to be in the way of one of their dreams. But I'm also wondering if I'm shooting myself in the foot by being so direct about this. Perhaps by putting this out there so early I'm eliminating someone who might find themselves interested enough in me to want to compromise some goals in the place of others?
I really would love to avoid what happened with the above mentioned ex though, falling in love with someone where there is this huge thing that will most likely prevent us from ever being able to get married. If we'd had more of a sexual bond, I would have been more likely to have stayed in and tried to seen what we could have come up with. Between the two issues it seemed really hopeless.
apologies for the rambles
Basically my question is: as a 36 year old guy who leans fairly heavily against not having kids, how do I deal with dating, when it appears that most anyone I find myself interested in wants kids?