Blacked out one night stand
July 16, 2011 6:39 PM Subscribe
Feel disgusted and don't know how I can live with myself after drunken one night stand.
posted by aprilc34 to human relations (79 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a single mom who has been so depressed and lonely lately. I have the most beautiful little girl in the world and want more than anything to be a good, stable and happy, healthy mom for her. I have a great job but being away from her so much is so hard. I feel helpless at times because of money issues and because i am so alone, besides her of course.
A couple months ago I decided enough was enough with my self pity. I started running and telling myself it's ok to be single and I can still be a good role model for my daughter by working hard, studying and running. I thought I was feeling better, and then I did something so awful a couple days ago.
I was away for work, and for some reason my coworker told a 24 year old intern that I thought he was hot. I'm 37. She bought him a drink, said it was from me, and asked him to come over to talk to me. I was mortified, but with the urging of other coworkers to just let go and have fun, I went to have another drink with him elsewhere.
The rest of the night is in bits and pieces. I remember him getting me another drink, and then being in his room and then being on his bed with my shirt off, I think. I remember him getting dressed and I was just so upset and felt humiliated. I just have a feeling he said something really awful and mean, probably telling me to get out, but I have absolutely no idea what happened. I went to another coworkers room and just cried to her, but the next day she said I couldn't tell her what happened, and that I didn't look disheveled or anything.
I woke up the next morning feeling more hungover than I ever have, and feeling so disgusted that as a mother I could do something like this. I can usually handle my alcohol well, and something like this hasn't happened to me since college, and even in that instance I could remember more than this time. I can remember parts of the night, but absolutely nothing about the sex or anything else we might have done. Now I am also terrified that his roomate might have been in the room too...what if he took pictures..what if it gets back to my bosses?
I know it's my fault this happened...I just don't know how to live with myself. I can barely look at my daughter, how could I be such a horrible mother? What if this gets out and she has to live with everyone knowing how disgusting her mom is? What can I possibly do to redeem myself?