Maid of honor/Bridal shower advice
July 7, 2011 7:10 PM Subscribe
I'm maid of honor for my sister's upcoming wedding, and fear her inner Bridezilla is coming out.
I love my sister and happy to be her moh, but we have different views about etiquette. For instance, she explicitly told me that she wants me to make sure that for her bridal shower she only receives "personal" gifts like lingerie and girly aprons, not "generic" gifts like appliances. I bit my tongue but I feel like it'd be incredibly rude to instruct guests to bring specific gifts. Is there a polite way to do this?
Also, how do I deal with the inevitable other requests she'll give that rub me the wrong way? I'm not so great at indulging her "me me me" personality normally, but I understand its sort of my job in this case :p
Any tips on how to balance being her support while keeping my integrity?
I love my sister and happy to be her moh, but we have different views about etiquette. For instance, she explicitly told me that she wants me to make sure that for her bridal shower she only receives "personal" gifts like lingerie and girly aprons, not "generic" gifts like appliances. I bit my tongue but I feel like it'd be incredibly rude to instruct guests to bring specific gifts. Is there a polite way to do this?
Also, how do I deal with the inevitable other requests she'll give that rub me the wrong way? I'm not so great at indulging her "me me me" personality normally, but I understand its sort of my job in this case :p
Any tips on how to balance being her support while keeping my integrity?
"Sister, there is no possible way to make sure that you receive a particular type of gift at your bridal shower without being incredibly rude. I'm excited to be your maid of honor, but please don't put me in a position where I have to choose between my sister and my manners."
If you haven't sent them out already, maybe choose bridal shower invitations in the shape of little bras and underpants to clue the guests in to what kind of party it's going to be.
posted by phunniemee at 7:28 PM on July 7, 2011 [14 favorites]
If you haven't sent them out already, maybe choose bridal shower invitations in the shape of little bras and underpants to clue the guests in to what kind of party it's going to be.
posted by phunniemee at 7:28 PM on July 7, 2011 [14 favorites]
Many bridal showers have themes for the gifts. Telling people a gift theme probably won't turn them off in any way. I always ask if there is a theme and if not I buy off the registry.
posted by magnetsphere at 7:28 PM on July 7, 2011
posted by magnetsphere at 7:28 PM on July 7, 2011
For the bridal shower, how about throwing a themed shower, like a lingerie shower? I'm not sure whether they're approved by traditional etiquette, but they seem to be fairly common.
For the "inevitable other requests," you may need to decide ahead of time where you'll draw a line. For example, you might decide that you are willing to indulge her requests up until they require you to a) be rude to other people, b) spend more than a certain amount of money out of your own pocket, c) spend more than a certain number of hours per day, week, or month leading up to the wedding, or d) damage your relationship with other people. At that point, have a script for pushing back. The classic "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" is very serviceable. If she presses you, offer alternatives. "I'm sorry, it won't be possible for me to stay up all night embroidering flowers on the hem of your dress. I would be happy to take it to a seamstress or iron on some appliqués."
posted by Orinda at 7:30 PM on July 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
For the "inevitable other requests," you may need to decide ahead of time where you'll draw a line. For example, you might decide that you are willing to indulge her requests up until they require you to a) be rude to other people, b) spend more than a certain amount of money out of your own pocket, c) spend more than a certain number of hours per day, week, or month leading up to the wedding, or d) damage your relationship with other people. At that point, have a script for pushing back. The classic "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" is very serviceable. If she presses you, offer alternatives. "I'm sorry, it won't be possible for me to stay up all night embroidering flowers on the hem of your dress. I would be happy to take it to a seamstress or iron on some appliqués."
posted by Orinda at 7:30 PM on July 7, 2011 [8 favorites]
For the shower, the most efficient path might be for you to create a registry of the kinds if things she wants, and get the word out to the attendees that Bride would LOVE these kinds if gifts (even if not the ones you list specifically). Some folks may still get her appliances or their own standard "go-to" shower gifts, but much less of a proverbial whoop.
I mention that not because she's in the right, but because I suspect you'll have more important issues to push back on where there might not be such a simple work-around.
My bigger-picture advice might be to get her a book on wedding etiquette (say you "know" it's part of your official duties to do so), then schedule a FUN brunch if evening of cocktails or whatever to talk all about the wedding and flip through the book together, feigning a few innocent "hey, I never knew thats!" Could be a helpful foundation for future decisions, and give you an outside expert source to refer to when decisions come up (thus not just your opinion vs. hers).
posted by mauvest at 7:30 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I mention that not because she's in the right, but because I suspect you'll have more important issues to push back on where there might not be such a simple work-around.
My bigger-picture advice might be to get her a book on wedding etiquette (say you "know" it's part of your official duties to do so), then schedule a FUN brunch if evening of cocktails or whatever to talk all about the wedding and flip through the book together, feigning a few innocent "hey, I never knew thats!" Could be a helpful foundation for future decisions, and give you an outside expert source to refer to when decisions come up (thus not just your opinion vs. hers).
posted by mauvest at 7:30 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
You handle it by helping her put together a registry (or doing it yourself, although that's dicey), then distributing links to all the invitees. It will give everyone a clear picture of what she's looking for, and there is no need to get specific about the motives. It's on them if they go independent at that point.
I think in terms of dealing with her me-me-me...you need to get it right, front & center of your brain that the role of MAID of honor is a role of service. Yes, it is an honor. It is also one of hard work. You have been chosen as her right-hand-lady for this event. Your role is not to stand up & look fantastic in pictures right next to her --that's only a minor parts. What the MOH is for is to help the bride. To aid her in organizing & executing what is, in fact, a huge 3 ring circus. To be her shoulder when she's ready to cry & scream from the stress, yes, but more importantly, to smooth over details & arrange things behind the scenes so that she doesn't get to the point where she can't deal.
It's a hard job. And it is going to be about what she wants for a while, and the role you've accepted is to facilitate that (within reason). So you've taken on the dress, now take on the job. Grace, humility, and the organizing skills of Supermom are what you're aiming for.
posted by Ys at 7:31 PM on July 7, 2011
I think in terms of dealing with her me-me-me...you need to get it right, front & center of your brain that the role of MAID of honor is a role of service. Yes, it is an honor. It is also one of hard work. You have been chosen as her right-hand-lady for this event. Your role is not to stand up & look fantastic in pictures right next to her --that's only a minor parts. What the MOH is for is to help the bride. To aid her in organizing & executing what is, in fact, a huge 3 ring circus. To be her shoulder when she's ready to cry & scream from the stress, yes, but more importantly, to smooth over details & arrange things behind the scenes so that she doesn't get to the point where she can't deal.
It's a hard job. And it is going to be about what she wants for a while, and the role you've accepted is to facilitate that (within reason). So you've taken on the dress, now take on the job. Grace, humility, and the organizing skills of Supermom are what you're aiming for.
posted by Ys at 7:31 PM on July 7, 2011
Not to encourage a possible Bridezilla, but I had a theme for my bridal shower: Books and Baths. I love books, I love baths and I love them together. That being said, I was asked to give a theme for my shower and I picked one that would be particularly open to choice. So, it's possible and sometimes recommended to give a theme, but I would also caution her that not everyone can afford or will want to buy her lingerie.
Have you checked out The Knot? There might be some good articles there on how to maintain your personal integrity and sanity while serving as the best MOH you can.
Other than that, decide what your level of ridiculousness is going to be now and then don't let her cross it. Being overly anal retentive about the bouquets? Probably not going to do much about that. Requiring weigh-ins for the bridesmaids? Shut that stuff down.
posted by Leezie at 7:34 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Have you checked out The Knot? There might be some good articles there on how to maintain your personal integrity and sanity while serving as the best MOH you can.
Other than that, decide what your level of ridiculousness is going to be now and then don't let her cross it. Being overly anal retentive about the bouquets? Probably not going to do much about that. Requiring weigh-ins for the bridesmaids? Shut that stuff down.
posted by Leezie at 7:34 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone! A theme shower is a great idea! I haven't been to many showers myself so am a little naive to the trends. As for the rest I'll take it as it comes and hopefully keep my boundaries while doing my best to make her happy.
posted by hellameangirl at 8:30 PM on July 7, 2011
posted by hellameangirl at 8:30 PM on July 7, 2011
I don't think her request is even a little bit rude. Throw a themed shower and give people hints about what to get and honestly most people are happy for the instructions, it makes life easier. I went to a shower for a close friend and we all got times of day. I got "evening" and got her a sassy evening bag and she loved it. It just takes a bit of creativity and planning, and you can do it.
posted by sweetkid at 9:01 PM on July 7, 2011
posted by sweetkid at 9:01 PM on July 7, 2011
For an entertaining peek at what is, and more often IS NOT, expected of bridesmaids --not to mention a host of comments from super-over-entitled sounding brides-- here's a link to Etiquette Hell, Bridesmaids & Beastmen edition ;)
posted by Ys at 9:40 PM on July 7, 2011
posted by Ys at 9:40 PM on July 7, 2011
For a recent wedding I attended, the wedding invitations came with a list of places where the couple had registered, and the separate bridal shower invitation came with a separate list of places - 2 places, both lingerie/more personal type stuff.
I am not too up on wedding/shower etiquette, so perhaps this isn't the done thing, but I found it helpful as a guest in both situations - I want to get a gift that the bride and groom actually want, and I am bad at picking out gifts in general.
A solution like separate registries for the wedding and shower, or having a themed shower as mentioned above, seems like it would guide guests towards the type of items your sister wants, but maybe a gentle reminder that if someone veers from these suggestions, your sister should behave like the kind person she naturally is would not be amiss. The time leading up to a wedding can a stressful time, and it would be a shame if grandma got chewed out for giving a family heirloom quilt at the shower rather than a garter belt!
posted by that possible maker of pork sausages at 9:50 PM on July 7, 2011
I am not too up on wedding/shower etiquette, so perhaps this isn't the done thing, but I found it helpful as a guest in both situations - I want to get a gift that the bride and groom actually want, and I am bad at picking out gifts in general.
A solution like separate registries for the wedding and shower, or having a themed shower as mentioned above, seems like it would guide guests towards the type of items your sister wants, but maybe a gentle reminder that if someone veers from these suggestions, your sister should behave like the kind person she naturally is would not be amiss. The time leading up to a wedding can a stressful time, and it would be a shame if grandma got chewed out for giving a family heirloom quilt at the shower rather than a garter belt!
posted by that possible maker of pork sausages at 9:50 PM on July 7, 2011
Is it a small enough bridal shower that you'd be able to speak with each guest on the phone, telling them what she'd like as gifts while giving directions to your place/instructions for items to bring if they're helping out with the party/etc., all in the same call? Echoing another poster that the guests would most likely want to get something that your sister really wants. That's not rude at all.
Just be a supportive and calming presence for your sis. Do try to help her to make sure everything is the way she wants it, within reason - after all, it's her big day, and she's making all the big decisions, doing the planning (and maybe even footing the bill!), no? Be open to giving her thoughtful advice, if she asks for it, re: her hair and makeup, finding the photographer, choosing the decorations for the venue, etc. The day before the wedding might be the most stressful for her (and consequently, you!) Just listen to her and reassure her if she has a meltdown, keeping your voice soothing and kind. The freak out will blow over, and y'all will be having an amazing time at the wedding when it comes because of all of your stellar planning in the months and weeks before. ;)
posted by sunnychef88 at 10:09 PM on July 7, 2011
Just be a supportive and calming presence for your sis. Do try to help her to make sure everything is the way she wants it, within reason - after all, it's her big day, and she's making all the big decisions, doing the planning (and maybe even footing the bill!), no? Be open to giving her thoughtful advice, if she asks for it, re: her hair and makeup, finding the photographer, choosing the decorations for the venue, etc. The day before the wedding might be the most stressful for her (and consequently, you!) Just listen to her and reassure her if she has a meltdown, keeping your voice soothing and kind. The freak out will blow over, and y'all will be having an amazing time at the wedding when it comes because of all of your stellar planning in the months and weeks before. ;)
posted by sunnychef88 at 10:09 PM on July 7, 2011
Response by poster: Ha, I think I painted my sister too harshly... I certainly don't think she would express anger toward any guest at the shower for bringing a 'wrong' gift. I was just afraid that *I* would be blamed for throwing a lame party :)
I feel much more confident now in 'guiding' the gift-getting. I guess I'm old fashioned and thought it improper to ask for gifts, and best to just be grateful for any received. But she is much more mainstream than I so I'm just going to trust her instruction. I'm especially excited that she asked me to the design the invitations, as my strength in art is superior to my social skills :p
posted by hellameangirl at 10:18 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I feel much more confident now in 'guiding' the gift-getting. I guess I'm old fashioned and thought it improper to ask for gifts, and best to just be grateful for any received. But she is much more mainstream than I so I'm just going to trust her instruction. I'm especially excited that she asked me to the design the invitations, as my strength in art is superior to my social skills :p
posted by hellameangirl at 10:18 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I guess I'm old fashioned and thought it improper to ask for gifts, and best to just be grateful for any received.
I know it can be awkward if you're not initiated/used to pre-wedding customs, but gifts are what the shower is *for*. People are expecting to need to give gifts.
*Not married, just in the age group in which people are getting married left and right*.
posted by sweetkid at 10:23 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I know it can be awkward if you're not initiated/used to pre-wedding customs, but gifts are what the shower is *for*. People are expecting to need to give gifts.
*Not married, just in the age group in which people are getting married left and right*.
posted by sweetkid at 10:23 PM on July 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have been to close to a dozen bridal showers, and I have never heard of a themed shower. Not saying it's wrong, but I am definitely someone for whom being pointed to a registry of lingerie would make me.....uncomfortable at the least.
I'd try to convince your sister to be careful about what a registry of that sort contained because some guests could view the purchase of undergarments for someone else as embarrassing.
Besides, lingerie is more commonly given at the usually much smaller and intimate-friends only bachelorette party while the shower is often for the bride's friends and family as well as the groom's friends and family. I'm not sure I'd want to open a gift of lingerie in front of from my future in-laws or, for that matter, my own mother.
posted by zizzle at 12:09 AM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd try to convince your sister to be careful about what a registry of that sort contained because some guests could view the purchase of undergarments for someone else as embarrassing.
Besides, lingerie is more commonly given at the usually much smaller and intimate-friends only bachelorette party while the shower is often for the bride's friends and family as well as the groom's friends and family. I'm not sure I'd want to open a gift of lingerie in front of from my future in-laws or, for that matter, my own mother.
posted by zizzle at 12:09 AM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think the themed shower is a good idea and not off-putting.
Also, instead of framing it as her not "wanting" certain gifts, maybe you could frame it as her not "needing" certain things- ie. "Sister already has plenty of household appliances, but I think she'd love lingerie and personal items".
posted by bearette at 12:20 AM on July 8, 2011
Also, instead of framing it as her not "wanting" certain gifts, maybe you could frame it as her not "needing" certain things- ie. "Sister already has plenty of household appliances, but I think she'd love lingerie and personal items".
posted by bearette at 12:20 AM on July 8, 2011
First, as her sister, you can't be the one to run her bridal shower, because that's soliciting gifts on behalf of a family member. One of her friends should be doing this. Maybe find a way to suggest that one of her friends would be SO MUCH BETTER than you at this.
A way to indirectly suggest girly gifts would be to have pictures of frilly things on the shower invitation. You're quite right that there's no polite way of specifying this directly.
I don't see any way for you to set boundaries and please your sister if she is truly as entitled as you say she is. OTOH, saying "oh, gee, sis, please don't ask me to do that! that just wouldn't be polite to other people" might result in her at least choosing someone else to be rude on her behalf. All you can do is stick to your guns, really.
posted by tel3path at 1:29 AM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
A way to indirectly suggest girly gifts would be to have pictures of frilly things on the shower invitation. You're quite right that there's no polite way of specifying this directly.
I don't see any way for you to set boundaries and please your sister if she is truly as entitled as you say she is. OTOH, saying "oh, gee, sis, please don't ask me to do that! that just wouldn't be polite to other people" might result in her at least choosing someone else to be rude on her behalf. All you can do is stick to your guns, really.
posted by tel3path at 1:29 AM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
As for the manners thing--this is about her manners. As her maid of honor, you represent her. Explain you believe this will put her in an unflattering light. Use as need.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:08 AM on July 8, 2011
posted by Ironmouth at 8:08 AM on July 8, 2011
The charitable reading of her response, and the one I'd go with so as to save up indignation points for anything really outright rude, was that she wanted you to direct any guests who may ask what she wanted.
Since you're the MOH and planing the party you're probably the one people would come to if they wanted to know what she would like. I think suggestions to people asking is just fine, as is a theme shower - think of the decorating fun!
I would avoid becoming the etiquette police unless something truly egregious happens because if you read any wedding threads people get super worked up about stuff and its probably best to be calm and charitable in your reading of other peoples actions so as not to feed the fire.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 8:32 AM on July 8, 2011
Since you're the MOH and planing the party you're probably the one people would come to if they wanted to know what she would like. I think suggestions to people asking is just fine, as is a theme shower - think of the decorating fun!
I would avoid becoming the etiquette police unless something truly egregious happens because if you read any wedding threads people get super worked up about stuff and its probably best to be calm and charitable in your reading of other peoples actions so as not to feed the fire.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 8:32 AM on July 8, 2011
Response by poster: First, as her sister, you can't be the one to run her bridal shower, because that's soliciting gifts on behalf of a family member. One of her friends should be doing this.
I said I was old fashioned but that is way too outdated even for me! My sister doesn't have tons of girlfriends isn't having any friends in the bridal party. Of her friends shes known longest, one lives across the country and the other just had a baby, so I don't believe she wants to burden them with the party planning. I have a small urban apartment with no parking available for guests, so we will have the shower at my parents house. We have many aunts, cousins and her fiance has sisters, so the shower guests will mostly be family anyway. If anyone finds this tacky, so be it :p
Thanks for all the responses! I will do a theme party, one on the list was "naughty or nice" which I think would be perfect for those who don't want to buy her underwear. I will also make suggestions to anyone who asks what she wants, but I think a separate bridal registry goes a little too far. My sister and I are meeting this weekend to plan further..hopefully all goes well!
posted by hellameangirl at 8:49 AM on July 8, 2011
I said I was old fashioned but that is way too outdated even for me! My sister doesn't have tons of girlfriends isn't having any friends in the bridal party. Of her friends shes known longest, one lives across the country and the other just had a baby, so I don't believe she wants to burden them with the party planning. I have a small urban apartment with no parking available for guests, so we will have the shower at my parents house. We have many aunts, cousins and her fiance has sisters, so the shower guests will mostly be family anyway. If anyone finds this tacky, so be it :p
Thanks for all the responses! I will do a theme party, one on the list was "naughty or nice" which I think would be perfect for those who don't want to buy her underwear. I will also make suggestions to anyone who asks what she wants, but I think a separate bridal registry goes a little too far. My sister and I are meeting this weekend to plan further..hopefully all goes well!
posted by hellameangirl at 8:49 AM on July 8, 2011
Somebody gave me a lingerie-themed shower, back when I got married, and not by my request. Lots of weird lingerie that would never fit or be worn. But it's not an etiquette violation.
When I was my sister's MOH, I made a wedding kit, with clear nailpolish, extra nylons, magic eraser, tissues, cover stick, sewing kit, aspiring, bottled water, safety pins, etc., etc., and it was very handy. I also made sure she ate during the reception, and stuff like that. The thing to remember is that if she goes bridezilla on you, just sweetly and calmly say "Oh, I'm so sorry, I just can't."
posted by theora55 at 9:17 AM on July 8, 2011
When I was my sister's MOH, I made a wedding kit, with clear nailpolish, extra nylons, magic eraser, tissues, cover stick, sewing kit, aspiring, bottled water, safety pins, etc., etc., and it was very handy. I also made sure she ate during the reception, and stuff like that. The thing to remember is that if she goes bridezilla on you, just sweetly and calmly say "Oh, I'm so sorry, I just can't."
posted by theora55 at 9:17 AM on July 8, 2011
I've been to a lingerie shower and hosted one in the recent past, and they were for brides who were not at all bridezilla-ish and who are super-attuned to etiquette. It's not at all rude to invite people to a lingerie shower. You can either specifically say "lingerie" on the invite, or when people call or email to RSVP you can let them know then, as well as tell them her sizes.
posted by Ollie at 11:37 AM on July 8, 2011
posted by Ollie at 11:37 AM on July 8, 2011
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It sounds as though you have a bit of time before the actual event. It's important to have a conversation with your sister as soon as possible. Take her out for drinks and lay it on the table: "I love you/I'm so excited to be your MOH/you need to relax and realize that other people's feelings matter."
posted by WaspEnterprises at 7:23 PM on July 7, 2011 [2 favorites]