again. I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. How do I minimize the guilt I feel for hurting him, and the hurt over him being back on the dating site already?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (63 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
We haven’t spoken since the break-up, but I checked his profile on the dating site we met on and he was already back to single and looking and now he’s friends with someone he met there on facebook. He told me he took two years to start dating again after his last relationship ended, so why is he already looking after breaking up with the girl he loved and wanted to marry a week ago? I could understand if he was just the type to do that (I’ll admit that I do this, not because I‘m over the person but because I want to get over the “I’ll never click with anyone again!!” feeling) but he’s not. So, I mean, what the fuck?
I feel guilty for hurting him, because he really is a great guy. He’s amazingly sweet and loving and generally wanted to make things better. He was my best friend for almost the entire time we dated. We just weren’t compatible in a few areas that made continuing the relationship difficult. I feel SO HORRIBLE for hurting him. I feel awful for not sticking by him while he’s going through a rough time. Normally I would have, but I didn’t see the incompatibilities getting any better. The thing that makes it worse is that there weren’t any big blow-ups, fighting, him doing things to hurt me, etc that would have made it an easy decision. It was just, he tended toward the cynical, pessimistic, doesn’t seem to enjoy life and/or hides his enjoyment of activities and is generally “meh” about things and I’m pretty much the polar opposite of that. I know plenty of people like that that he’d be a great match for, but I’m not one of them and I couldn’t handle him when he was upset. I broke up with him because even if we got through this and everything was fine, I would have the same difficulty dealing with how he reacted when his life got tough again. There were other reasons but that was the main one.
I also feel bad for being generally OK. Sometimes I’m not, but it has more to do with being jealous and hurt that he’s looking already and feeling bad for hurting him than it does with wanting him back. In my past relationships it was always hurt over losing the person, still being in love with them and wishing that somehow things would work out. I’m still in love with this guy but I already know he’s not my type and I’m OK with that. When we broke up I cried, not because we were breaking up but because I knew I was hurting him and I didn't want to do that. But… I feel like I should be suffering more, that I should feel lower-than-low horrible like I did the first time we broke up slightly over a month ago. And then the kicker, I’ve met someone (a few weeks ago, I know that reflects poorly on/is hypocritical of me) that I click with and who’s more compatible with me than my ex, and I feel bad for going out and spending time with and having fun with that person. I’m pretty sure they’re a major reason I’m not a heaping pile of lonely mess right now, and a major reason it’s easier to be OK with my decision to break up because their personalities differ in little ways that make it easier to see the type of person I should be with. It’s like… okay this is going to be a shitty analogy, but do you know how in the Sims when two Sims are talking and you get the little ++ and -- depending on how the conversation went? I feel like with my ex a lot of the conversations led to a -- reaction and with my friend it’s mostly ++ reactions.
I'm 20, female, and the relationship lasted 6mos. I know that isn't long but of my other two relationships, 4yrs, 2 yrs and 1 month respectively, it was the only one that wasn't a trainwreck and where I actually felt safe with the person, they were there for me, we got along well, they didn't do/say hurtful things for no discernible reason, I could tell they were in love with me, there wasn't some glaring reason we'd have to break up anyway like them not wanting kids, etc. So it's still super-hard.
1) What can I do to assuage the guilt I feel over breaking up with him over the first place, being mostly OK with it, not staying with him while he’s going through a tough time in life, and having fun with/being cheered up by someone else I have romantic feelings for?
2) How do I feel less hurt and jealous over the fact that he’s already out there looking less than a day after we’ve broken up? How can I be OK with not speaking to my best friend and not knowing when/if I’ll ever speak to him again?
3) Is there a type of forum that I can go to discuss my feelings, because I don’t have any close friends I can talk to about these things?
4) How do I force myself to stop checking his dating profile, checking my e-mail to see if he’s e-mailed me, checking his face book (we aren’t friends on there but you can still see who he’s added), etc?