How do I forgive myself for making a mistake which ended a relationship that was practically over in the first place? How do I not feel sad that he's now with someone else? I feel like i wasn't worth it for him to try, but she is.
I dated this guy for two years and we broke up back in April. It was a shaky relationship
, but ultimately he broke up with me after I attempted suicide. (Which had nothing to do with him and was because of feeling like I couldn't overcome my social anxiety, not having any friends etc.)
Basically, he told me it was over while I was in the psych ward, his family kicked me out and I was homeless for a short while before moving back home. We hung out/slept together/etc for a short time before I moved back but eventually said he didn't feel I felt enough remorse and didn't want me in his life because of that. He told me I should feel like a bad person for trying to kill myself and that I didn't feel sorry enough for what I did, there would be consequences for my actions, etc.
His reasoning for that was that when they asked if I tried to kill myself I said "yes" non-chalantly, but that's always how i speak when I feel threatened and I thought he would have known that after so long together but he didn't. His exact words were something along the lines of, "I realized something about you [after you said that]..."
I recently found out he's seeing someone else and it made me realize that I'm not as over it as I'd like to be. I talked to a few people about it and the main problem seems to be that I keep forgetting how poorly he treated me before the relationship ended. I basically think, 'Things were perfect and I ruined them'. Even if I remind myself they weren't, I can't go too long without feeling incredibly guilty about the emotional turmoil I must have inflicted on him by trying to commit suicide. I feel like I must have traumatized/scarred him by seeing someone so close to him dying.
I also feel hurt that everyone abandoned me, when I've since seen people threaten suicide and have all their friends/family rush to their side. I was completely alone at the time - I ended up having to call the ex for a ride from the psych ward to a hotel because I had no one else.
I've only told a few close friends what really happened because I harbor so much guilt. Even tonight, they reminded me how miserable I was with him, and I was. I couldn't sleep, spent almost every night crying, busted my butt trying to make things work and get him interested in me again... but at the same time I blame myself for that too because if we didn't have to spend so much negative time together maybe he wouldn't have lost interest. He likes his alone time, but we had to spend a lot of time together at first because I was reliant on him for school supplies etc, and I was usually in a sour mood because I knew he didn't like hanging out so often and I was afraid of pushing him away.
I also feel horrible that i hurt him so badly he never wanted to talk to me again. I've dated one guy before him and two guys since, and with the first guy I can accept we were both bad partners and the second guy just wasn't a great boyfriend. (still with the third) But with this guy, I can't get over what I did to realize we didn't work together. It probably doesn't help that he was my "first love" even though i was in a 4 yr relationship before that and I haven't felt the same way despite the numerous dates and two relationships I've been in since.
I know therapy is in order, and I do have an appointment with one coming up. AskMeFi tends to help as well and I thought I would ask here in the interim.
tl;dr How can I forgive myself for emotionally damaging my ex? It's been almost a year and I feel stuck - I'm ready to move forward.