How to deal with the aftermath of a confusing breakup
January 10, 2010 5:45 AM Subscribe
A month ago my boyfriend had some kind of emotional breakdown. He left me, and now I'm going through hell. What to do?
A few short months ago I'd have said my relationship was wonderful. I'll hold off on detailing the sunshine-and-butterflies stuff, but in short: we're both in our early 30s, long past teenage drama, and knew a good thing when we'd got it. And a good thing it was. Add sunshine and butterflies to taste.
My ex had always been a loner who'd struggled with depression in the past. He told me - and I'm sure, convinced himself - that now his life was better and happier, his problems were in the past. It turned out that the problems in question were not the sort of things that go away by themselves. Several close bereavements, a childhood growing up in an alcoholic family and a whole lot of problems stemming from that, sone things I knew about and many more I didn't until too late. I always saw him as a calm person who had his head together; in retrospect, it seems that the demons he hadn't faced were merely taking a long time to regroup.
From my perspective, the breakup came out of the blue. Family stress built up (and his family are stressful enough at the best of times), depression hit, and he suddenly changed from a sweet, loving partner into a selfish, confusing and confused jerk I didn't recognise. One day he was clinging to me, sobbing and thanking me for staying; the next he was gone, telling me he was 'broken', had been avoiding that half his life, and needed to fix himself once and for all.
Since then he's backtracked on the permanence of the breakup and has been in constant contact with me via email and text, but his behaviour remains erratic and confusing. This week, for example, he sent me an email biting my head off for trying to trick him into talking about serious matters recently (not something I've done by any stretch of the imagination, unless that's how he interpreted 'happy new year'), followed a few hours later by a chatty, friendly message ending in a kiss. This is not the man I fell in love with.
I know, really and truly, that he has big problems and I can't fix him. The closest I've come to even trying is encouraging him once, post-breakup, to seek professional help (something he keenly agreed he needed, and now thankfully seems to be getting). But this situation has sent my head into a tailspin of grief, anxiety, confusion and anger. How do I fix me?
I'm significantly cutting down on the contact with my ex. I'm seeing a counsellor. I'm trying to focus on getting myself through. But, it's been a month, and I still feel awful. I feel guilty for not noticing his problems before, and then I feel guilty for blaming myself; I miss him and love him like crazy, and then start crying when my friends tell me how little I must think of myself to love a man who'd treat me this way; I still wake up in the early hours trying to Work It All Out in my head. I've had bad breakups before, but nothing has hit me for six the way this has.
What I'm looking for, basically, is some mental hacks: to stop blaming myself, to stop going over and over all this in my head, and to find some way to be at peace with the situation as it is now. I appreciate I might be asking the impossible, but does anyone have any ideas?
A few short months ago I'd have said my relationship was wonderful. I'll hold off on detailing the sunshine-and-butterflies stuff, but in short: we're both in our early 30s, long past teenage drama, and knew a good thing when we'd got it. And a good thing it was. Add sunshine and butterflies to taste.
My ex had always been a loner who'd struggled with depression in the past. He told me - and I'm sure, convinced himself - that now his life was better and happier, his problems were in the past. It turned out that the problems in question were not the sort of things that go away by themselves. Several close bereavements, a childhood growing up in an alcoholic family and a whole lot of problems stemming from that, sone things I knew about and many more I didn't until too late. I always saw him as a calm person who had his head together; in retrospect, it seems that the demons he hadn't faced were merely taking a long time to regroup.
From my perspective, the breakup came out of the blue. Family stress built up (and his family are stressful enough at the best of times), depression hit, and he suddenly changed from a sweet, loving partner into a selfish, confusing and confused jerk I didn't recognise. One day he was clinging to me, sobbing and thanking me for staying; the next he was gone, telling me he was 'broken', had been avoiding that half his life, and needed to fix himself once and for all.
Since then he's backtracked on the permanence of the breakup and has been in constant contact with me via email and text, but his behaviour remains erratic and confusing. This week, for example, he sent me an email biting my head off for trying to trick him into talking about serious matters recently (not something I've done by any stretch of the imagination, unless that's how he interpreted 'happy new year'), followed a few hours later by a chatty, friendly message ending in a kiss. This is not the man I fell in love with.
I know, really and truly, that he has big problems and I can't fix him. The closest I've come to even trying is encouraging him once, post-breakup, to seek professional help (something he keenly agreed he needed, and now thankfully seems to be getting). But this situation has sent my head into a tailspin of grief, anxiety, confusion and anger. How do I fix me?
I'm significantly cutting down on the contact with my ex. I'm seeing a counsellor. I'm trying to focus on getting myself through. But, it's been a month, and I still feel awful. I feel guilty for not noticing his problems before, and then I feel guilty for blaming myself; I miss him and love him like crazy, and then start crying when my friends tell me how little I must think of myself to love a man who'd treat me this way; I still wake up in the early hours trying to Work It All Out in my head. I've had bad breakups before, but nothing has hit me for six the way this has.
What I'm looking for, basically, is some mental hacks: to stop blaming myself, to stop going over and over all this in my head, and to find some way to be at peace with the situation as it is now. I appreciate I might be asking the impossible, but does anyone have any ideas?
I'm significantly cutting down on the contact with my ex.
This may or may not be right for you in your situation, but be aware that "much less contact" and "no contact at all" are worlds apart. The brain has an amazing ability to seize on and obsess about the last email or phone call or whatever, and spin it into something massive, even if (or perhaps especially if) it was the only phone call for weeks. If you'd feel bad about just vanishing from his world altogether, you can always explain, just before you do so, that you're doing it for both your sakes in the long term, and not as an act of malice.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 6:19 AM on January 10, 2010 [9 favorites]
This may or may not be right for you in your situation, but be aware that "much less contact" and "no contact at all" are worlds apart. The brain has an amazing ability to seize on and obsess about the last email or phone call or whatever, and spin it into something massive, even if (or perhaps especially if) it was the only phone call for weeks. If you'd feel bad about just vanishing from his world altogether, you can always explain, just before you do so, that you're doing it for both your sakes in the long term, and not as an act of malice.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 6:19 AM on January 10, 2010 [9 favorites]
I agree that cutting off contact might be the best thing. And realizing that it has nothing to do with you.
How long were you together?
posted by bolognius maximus at 6:25 AM on January 10, 2010
How long were you together?
posted by bolognius maximus at 6:25 AM on January 10, 2010
We were together less than 2 years; practically living together for the last 6 months or so. Fortunately there's no issues with leases or property, though.
As for cutting off all contact, that's something I've thought back and forwards on for a while, but I can't quite bring myself to take a step that seems so final. I would, after all, very much like the man back - in a possible future where he gets the necessary help for his problems, and starts to resemble the man I knew again - and we've agreed to discuss that at some unspecified future date. But, I appreciate it could well benefit my own mental state at the moment, too.
posted by Catseye at 6:36 AM on January 10, 2010
As for cutting off all contact, that's something I've thought back and forwards on for a while, but I can't quite bring myself to take a step that seems so final. I would, after all, very much like the man back - in a possible future where he gets the necessary help for his problems, and starts to resemble the man I knew again - and we've agreed to discuss that at some unspecified future date. But, I appreciate it could well benefit my own mental state at the moment, too.
posted by Catseye at 6:36 AM on January 10, 2010
For various reasons I won't get into here, I sympathize enormously with your ex's problems. But you absolutely must not take the blame for his mental illness and you must not let it reflect on you as a person. You cannot fix what is wrong with him, and what is wrong with him has nothing to do with who you are.
Because you cannot fix what is wrong with him, and what is wrong with him does you harm, it's right for you to be apart and probably forever. Because his behavior harms you, you must go beyond minimizing your exposure to him. You must deny him access to you and -- I will use somewhat bolder letters here to make my point as best I can -- you must MOVE ON. There is nothing to be gained by keeping him lurking around in the shadows of your life.
I'm sorry his breakdown left you in such a state, and despite my sympathies for him you absolutely should not under any circumstances allow him to continue to harass you, and you must absolutely refuse to blame yourself for what happened to him. It sounds glib, but these are the things that you must do.
posted by majick at 6:40 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Because you cannot fix what is wrong with him, and what is wrong with him does you harm, it's right for you to be apart and probably forever. Because his behavior harms you, you must go beyond minimizing your exposure to him. You must deny him access to you and -- I will use somewhat bolder letters here to make my point as best I can -- you must MOVE ON. There is nothing to be gained by keeping him lurking around in the shadows of your life.
I'm sorry his breakdown left you in such a state, and despite my sympathies for him you absolutely should not under any circumstances allow him to continue to harass you, and you must absolutely refuse to blame yourself for what happened to him. It sounds glib, but these are the things that you must do.
posted by majick at 6:40 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this will help or not, but is it possible there is a substance abuse issue that triggered his behaviour? That may explain the change in demeanor, as well as the mood swings you are now seeing. It might not be him. It could be booze, or some other drug.
posted by kellyblah at 6:41 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by kellyblah at 6:41 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
You cannot go home again so to speak, and I promise you that at this point nothing good will come from you maintaining any contact at all with this guy.
You need to go cold turkey and let him know that you do not want to hear from him at all from this point forward, block his number, block his emails and generally avoid places you know where he might be for a while. You need to focus on your own happiness going forward, and I promise you that he is not a part of that.
Sorry to be blunt, but this is the best way for you to stop torturing yourself and start moving on with your life and getting better.
posted by BobbyDigital at 6:44 AM on January 10, 2010
You need to go cold turkey and let him know that you do not want to hear from him at all from this point forward, block his number, block his emails and generally avoid places you know where he might be for a while. You need to focus on your own happiness going forward, and I promise you that he is not a part of that.
Sorry to be blunt, but this is the best way for you to stop torturing yourself and start moving on with your life and getting better.
posted by BobbyDigital at 6:44 AM on January 10, 2010
I sympathize with you greatly. As someone who has a mental illness, and someone who has dated someone with a mental illness, I know it from both sides. In fact, one person I dated had several bereavements over a period of a year that sent him on a spiral.
You cannot take responsibility for his mental illness. If he grew up in a family of alcoholics, I wouldn't be surprised if his depression was genetic. Some alcoholics drink to mask their own depression.
You say you already know that you can't take responsibility for fixing him either, which is good. As for you and your counseling, it's okay that you still feel this way after a month. This came out of nowhere and turned your life upside down, but you're thinking and doing a lot of the right things I think. I don't know if you realize just how strong you're being. Recognize that the erratic texts and such is his illness talking, and you are not in control of his illness. Continue to see the counselor and take care of yourself.
One final note though. If he threatens to kill himself, call 911 and get him committed ASAP (assuming the laws in your area let you do that.)
posted by Jenesta at 7:08 AM on January 10, 2010
You cannot take responsibility for his mental illness. If he grew up in a family of alcoholics, I wouldn't be surprised if his depression was genetic. Some alcoholics drink to mask their own depression.
You say you already know that you can't take responsibility for fixing him either, which is good. As for you and your counseling, it's okay that you still feel this way after a month. This came out of nowhere and turned your life upside down, but you're thinking and doing a lot of the right things I think. I don't know if you realize just how strong you're being. Recognize that the erratic texts and such is his illness talking, and you are not in control of his illness. Continue to see the counselor and take care of yourself.
One final note though. If he threatens to kill himself, call 911 and get him committed ASAP (assuming the laws in your area let you do that.)
posted by Jenesta at 7:08 AM on January 10, 2010
The Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personally
If someone gives you an opinion and says' "Hey, you look fat," don't take it personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and all of its nasty effects. Taking things personally makes you easy prey. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up.
You eat all their emotional garbage, and now it becomes your garbage. But if you don't take it personally, you are immune to this kind of hell. Immunity to the poison in this middle of hell is the gift of the Second Agreement.
When you take things personally, then you feel offended, or hurt, or sad, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs, and to create conflicts. You end up making something big out of something that starts out little, because you want to be right. When people attack you, whether intentionally or unintentionally, out of anger or frustration, or even mental illness, it is not your problem, it is theirs. Whatever you may think, their problems are not yours, unless you make it so.
What is said may hurt, but it isn't what they are saying that is hurting you; it is that you have old wounds that are touched by what they have said. You hurt yourself by taking it personally. Don't see the world through their eyes. Create a different picture in your mind, one that doesn't involve accepting that you should take their insults or comments personally.
Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one's truth but yours. Then, if someone gets mad at you, simply realize they are dealing with themselves. You are an excuse for them to get mad, and they get mad out of fear. But if you can remain fearless, and calm them from their own fear, there won't be an escalation to sadness and even despair.
If you live without fear, if you love, there isn't a place for these negative emotions. If you don't feel the negative emotions by not taking anything personally, it follows that you will be happy and feel good. When you feel good, everything around you can be good as well, including other people who surround you. You then can love everything around you because you are loving yourself.
posted by netbros at 7:10 AM on January 10, 2010 [20 favorites]
If someone gives you an opinion and says' "Hey, you look fat," don't take it personally, because the truth is that this person is dealing with his or her own feelings, beliefs, and opinions. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and all of its nasty effects. Taking things personally makes you easy prey. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up.
You eat all their emotional garbage, and now it becomes your garbage. But if you don't take it personally, you are immune to this kind of hell. Immunity to the poison in this middle of hell is the gift of the Second Agreement.
When you take things personally, then you feel offended, or hurt, or sad, and your reaction is to defend your beliefs, and to create conflicts. You end up making something big out of something that starts out little, because you want to be right. When people attack you, whether intentionally or unintentionally, out of anger or frustration, or even mental illness, it is not your problem, it is theirs. Whatever you may think, their problems are not yours, unless you make it so.
What is said may hurt, but it isn't what they are saying that is hurting you; it is that you have old wounds that are touched by what they have said. You hurt yourself by taking it personally. Don't see the world through their eyes. Create a different picture in your mind, one that doesn't involve accepting that you should take their insults or comments personally.
Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one's truth but yours. Then, if someone gets mad at you, simply realize they are dealing with themselves. You are an excuse for them to get mad, and they get mad out of fear. But if you can remain fearless, and calm them from their own fear, there won't be an escalation to sadness and even despair.
If you live without fear, if you love, there isn't a place for these negative emotions. If you don't feel the negative emotions by not taking anything personally, it follows that you will be happy and feel good. When you feel good, everything around you can be good as well, including other people who surround you. You then can love everything around you because you are loving yourself.
posted by netbros at 7:10 AM on January 10, 2010 [20 favorites]
It takes a strong person to live with (physically or emotionally) someone with bipolar. You can't change it, you can only cope. If your love for him is greater than this challenge, god bless. If it isn't, time to cut bait.
posted by gjc at 7:39 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by gjc at 7:39 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry to hear what yo ar gong through but you are being too hard on yourself. It takes longer than a month to get over a broken heart - and each contact resets the timer. Cut off the contact, live your life for yourself and if he works on himself he may contact you again a few years down the road when he has done a lot of work on himself. Right now, he isn't the man you fell in love with.
posted by saucysault at 7:41 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by saucysault at 7:41 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
One thing that might help: Go and read about the five stages of grief. The article concentrates on grief caused by death, but even though nobody has died you are still going through a grieving process. What you're feeling is a normal reaction to a difficult situation, and you don't need "fixing". Of course, you might LIKE to be "fixed".... but it may help you feel more comfortable with the emotions and feelings you are having, you think of them as a normal part of the grieving process, which takes time, rather than "OMG I'm broken!"
posted by emilyw at 7:41 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by emilyw at 7:41 AM on January 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for cutting off all contact, that's something I've thought back and forwards on for a while, but I can't quite bring myself to take a step that seems so final. I would, after all, very much like the man back - in a possible future where he gets the necessary help for his problems, and starts to resemble the man I knew again - and we've agreed to discuss that at some unspecified future date.
You have no guarantee that he'll ever change. In fact, if he doesn't put in the effort to get professional help, you're pretty much guaranteed that he won't change. In light of that, you need to take a careful look at the person he is now. Would you want to be with the person he is now? What if this is who he really is?
If you want to leave the door open for change, do so: tell him that if and when he seeks treatment, you'd be happy to hear from him, but that until then, for the sake of your own healing process, you need him to not contact you.
Because you need him not to contact you, and you need not to contact him. This is the only way you're going to give yourself a fair chance to grieve the relationship and move on.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:53 AM on January 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
You have no guarantee that he'll ever change. In fact, if he doesn't put in the effort to get professional help, you're pretty much guaranteed that he won't change. In light of that, you need to take a careful look at the person he is now. Would you want to be with the person he is now? What if this is who he really is?
If you want to leave the door open for change, do so: tell him that if and when he seeks treatment, you'd be happy to hear from him, but that until then, for the sake of your own healing process, you need him to not contact you.
Because you need him not to contact you, and you need not to contact him. This is the only way you're going to give yourself a fair chance to grieve the relationship and move on.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:53 AM on January 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Think long and hard. Do you want to resume the relationship? It actually sounds like a pretty good relationship when he's in good shape. You describe it as wonderful.
If you don't want to get back together, it's okay. You've been honest, faithful and kind, and that's all anyone could ask. He split up, and you've been through a lot of pain.
People go through things together - mental illness is very difficult, but people also support one another through all sorts of illnesses and tragedies. So if you want to get back together, it's not necessarily a bad idea. It sounds to me like you kind of want to. This only works if he gets the help he needs.
Either way, you have no reason to feel guilt. Good luck; this is hard.
posted by theora55 at 9:22 AM on January 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
If you don't want to get back together, it's okay. You've been honest, faithful and kind, and that's all anyone could ask. He split up, and you've been through a lot of pain.
People go through things together - mental illness is very difficult, but people also support one another through all sorts of illnesses and tragedies. So if you want to get back together, it's not necessarily a bad idea. It sounds to me like you kind of want to. This only works if he gets the help he needs.
Either way, you have no reason to feel guilt. Good luck; this is hard.
posted by theora55 at 9:22 AM on January 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
Well, you're going to get opinions/experiences that are all over the map here, so why not one more? I know that you asked about you, and some "hacks," and discipline with this relationship is the only "hack" that I can find in a situation like this. Which would be: him getting treated, and you making sure of that for your own sake.
My experience suggests that 1. it is good he is seeing a professional and that 2. It would be good if he could identify exactly what he is treating with that professional so that 3. You can choose to see him when he is adhering to the treatment prescribed by that professional, and not, when he isn't. (By "treatment I don't at all necessarily mean drugs, by the way.)
If it were me, at this point in my own life, were I in your shoes? I would say "I love you, I wish you the best, why don't we recon in two weeks." Because I would be DESPERATE for structure. Or: agree to a weekly phone call on Sundays, or some such.
"Mental hacks" unrelated to HIM might also include telling your friends that they are not being helpful when they tell you that it's bad that you're involved with him. Or it could be, if all your friends are saying the same thing, perhaps they are right. It's impossible for us to tell from out here.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:05 AM on January 10, 2010
My experience suggests that 1. it is good he is seeing a professional and that 2. It would be good if he could identify exactly what he is treating with that professional so that 3. You can choose to see him when he is adhering to the treatment prescribed by that professional, and not, when he isn't. (By "treatment I don't at all necessarily mean drugs, by the way.)
If it were me, at this point in my own life, were I in your shoes? I would say "I love you, I wish you the best, why don't we recon in two weeks." Because I would be DESPERATE for structure. Or: agree to a weekly phone call on Sundays, or some such.
"Mental hacks" unrelated to HIM might also include telling your friends that they are not being helpful when they tell you that it's bad that you're involved with him. Or it could be, if all your friends are saying the same thing, perhaps they are right. It's impossible for us to tell from out here.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:05 AM on January 10, 2010
You shouldn't blame yourself for not noticing his pending collapse. People with depression can develop some pretty good masking/coping techniques to hide their depression from everyone around them, until it reaches the point where they can't hold it together anymore. If things work out for you two and you do get back together I would bet you would have a much better feel for his state of mind after being through this once. Best of luck in getting the best outcome for your happiness.
posted by troll on a pony at 2:29 PM on January 10, 2010
posted by troll on a pony at 2:29 PM on January 10, 2010
Here's my hack: it's an oldie but goodie that we all know and hate but have to do: Dead To Me. Your ex is dead. He was in a terrible car accident. You can't contact him short of Ouija board. Terrible tragedy, but it's over now.
Yes, this sounds silly, but I've got a point in saying it: if he's already had depression issues and just went over the edge with them recently, is he even getting treatment? Gone into the hospital, seeing a therapist, drugs? Anything at all like that, or is he just in his room pouting? Because even if he was immediately going into heavy-duty medical treatment, it's gonna be a long time--maybe six months, a year, several years--before he "starts to resemble the man you knew again." Right now, the guy you love? He's dead. Odds are at least somewhat good that he may never, even with drugs and therapy, go quite back to being the guy you were in love with. Or at least, not for a really long time, and in the meantime it'll mess with your head to be treated like a pushmepullyou. Dude cannot maintain a relationship right now, and while it's killing you now to be shut out like this, let me assure you that his dumping you now is doing you a favor, because going hand in hand with him on this journey while he's so depressed that he's treating you like crap (whether or not he can help doing so)? That will only fuck you up more. Right now if you got back together, things would not be going down the primrose path again. It'd be a far more difficult relationship at best.
And yeah, in a possible future five years from now, when he's all medicated up and balanced out, sure, you could get back together. Assuming the depression and/or just plain life hasn't changed the minds of one or both of you on that prospect, and that neither of you married someone else. This really isn't something you should hold out hope for.
Sorry to say all this, but obviously I've been there and done that and can't recommend it to anyone else. Stop talking to him and re-breaking your heart over and over again. That's all that is in your power to do right now. Eventually, it'll stop.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:29 PM on January 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, this sounds silly, but I've got a point in saying it: if he's already had depression issues and just went over the edge with them recently, is he even getting treatment? Gone into the hospital, seeing a therapist, drugs? Anything at all like that, or is he just in his room pouting? Because even if he was immediately going into heavy-duty medical treatment, it's gonna be a long time--maybe six months, a year, several years--before he "starts to resemble the man you knew again." Right now, the guy you love? He's dead. Odds are at least somewhat good that he may never, even with drugs and therapy, go quite back to being the guy you were in love with. Or at least, not for a really long time, and in the meantime it'll mess with your head to be treated like a pushmepullyou. Dude cannot maintain a relationship right now, and while it's killing you now to be shut out like this, let me assure you that his dumping you now is doing you a favor, because going hand in hand with him on this journey while he's so depressed that he's treating you like crap (whether or not he can help doing so)? That will only fuck you up more. Right now if you got back together, things would not be going down the primrose path again. It'd be a far more difficult relationship at best.
And yeah, in a possible future five years from now, when he's all medicated up and balanced out, sure, you could get back together. Assuming the depression and/or just plain life hasn't changed the minds of one or both of you on that prospect, and that neither of you married someone else. This really isn't something you should hold out hope for.
Sorry to say all this, but obviously I've been there and done that and can't recommend it to anyone else. Stop talking to him and re-breaking your heart over and over again. That's all that is in your power to do right now. Eventually, it'll stop.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:29 PM on January 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
What I'm looking for, basically, is some mental hacks: to stop blaming myself, to stop going over and over all this in my head, and to find some way to be at peace with the situation as it is now. I appreciate I might be asking the impossible, but does anyone have any ideas?
I think that, as painful as it seems, you simply have to go through it. Do you really want some convenient lie to get you through the moment only to age and wonder what really happened? Right now, every heartache is a possible missile of truth: a window into what really happened and what is really happening.
The feeling of "blaming yourself" is the mechanism by which behaviour changes. Think back to your "teenage drama"-- how did it end? Maybe you regurgitated your silly mistakes, partly blaming yourself. Eventually you become a person that would never remake those mistakes, and that is when you stopped blaming yourself.
They say that when you're really sick, a fever is a proof that your body is fighting the illness; it's absence is alarming. Similarly, anguish is proof that your heart is overcoming tribulation; it's absence should be alarming. And yet most people consider anguish the problem!
My advice: You're already on the right track! The heartache you're describing is proof of your courage. Keep letting your heart dance painfully with the truth and the heartache should resolve itself.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 4:43 PM on January 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think that, as painful as it seems, you simply have to go through it. Do you really want some convenient lie to get you through the moment only to age and wonder what really happened? Right now, every heartache is a possible missile of truth: a window into what really happened and what is really happening.
The feeling of "blaming yourself" is the mechanism by which behaviour changes. Think back to your "teenage drama"-- how did it end? Maybe you regurgitated your silly mistakes, partly blaming yourself. Eventually you become a person that would never remake those mistakes, and that is when you stopped blaming yourself.
They say that when you're really sick, a fever is a proof that your body is fighting the illness; it's absence is alarming. Similarly, anguish is proof that your heart is overcoming tribulation; it's absence should be alarming. And yet most people consider anguish the problem!
My advice: You're already on the right track! The heartache you're describing is proof of your courage. Keep letting your heart dance painfully with the truth and the heartache should resolve itself.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 4:43 PM on January 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is not the man I fell in love with.
Yes, but THIS IS the man. Not the PART of the man that you fell in love with, but the rest of him.
I'm so sorry. I'm sure that it feels like a death. Where is that person you thought you had a relationship with? Well, they are part and parcel of the person that you are seeing before you now. So the part of him that you fell in love with, without whatever is fueling his current behavior, doesn't exist by itself. In a sense, that part cannot be found on its own anywhere in the world.
There aren't two people...one that you love and this one. There is only this one who is sometimes acting like the calm, together person and sometimes not. There will be moments where you think, "Maybe he will change back and things can go back to being the way that they were...?" Stop. Remember. There is no separate before and after. This is all one person.
posted by jeanmari at 5:40 PM on January 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
Yes, but THIS IS the man. Not the PART of the man that you fell in love with, but the rest of him.
I'm so sorry. I'm sure that it feels like a death. Where is that person you thought you had a relationship with? Well, they are part and parcel of the person that you are seeing before you now. So the part of him that you fell in love with, without whatever is fueling his current behavior, doesn't exist by itself. In a sense, that part cannot be found on its own anywhere in the world.
There aren't two people...one that you love and this one. There is only this one who is sometimes acting like the calm, together person and sometimes not. There will be moments where you think, "Maybe he will change back and things can go back to being the way that they were...?" Stop. Remember. There is no separate before and after. This is all one person.
posted by jeanmari at 5:40 PM on January 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
I think you need to stop and give yourself a whole lot of recognition, for all the good things you contributed and shared in your relationship, all the ways you've grown, and in general what a darn wonderful person you are - and then give yourself a ton of sympathy and compassion and understanding.
This hurts, it´s horrible and feels like shit and you can´t get around it or get over it.
The only thing to do is go through it - accept ALL of your feelings. I'm very sorry, but ignore your friends who think the know what your "real" problem is.
You are imperfect, with many many wonderful qualities and so is he. There is nothing wrong with you. Love yourself, be generous with yourself.
You can´t bring yourself to cut contact with him? That's totally fine! That's ok. Think about the contact you do have with him - does it make your day better? Or worse? Is there a way to mange that contact in a way that feels better for you?
Do you want to wait for him? Do you want to take the steps to move on? Are you just not sure yet? That's fine, too. You don't have to decide everything today, as the weeks go on, decisions will be easier to make.
Don´t listen to those friends - that's the comment that most irks me - how you feel is how you feel and totally valid and natural. What you decide to do about how you feel is completely up to you, and no one else's business.
posted by Locochona at 5:56 PM on January 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
This hurts, it´s horrible and feels like shit and you can´t get around it or get over it.
The only thing to do is go through it - accept ALL of your feelings. I'm very sorry, but ignore your friends who think the know what your "real" problem is.
You are imperfect, with many many wonderful qualities and so is he. There is nothing wrong with you. Love yourself, be generous with yourself.
You can´t bring yourself to cut contact with him? That's totally fine! That's ok. Think about the contact you do have with him - does it make your day better? Or worse? Is there a way to mange that contact in a way that feels better for you?
Do you want to wait for him? Do you want to take the steps to move on? Are you just not sure yet? That's fine, too. You don't have to decide everything today, as the weeks go on, decisions will be easier to make.
Don´t listen to those friends - that's the comment that most irks me - how you feel is how you feel and totally valid and natural. What you decide to do about how you feel is completely up to you, and no one else's business.
posted by Locochona at 5:56 PM on January 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
Walking home, I thought of adding to my answer: One thing you can do is ask yourself good questions about how you feel, especially questions about the present and the future. (It's still good to think about the past, but not exclusively about the past.) In that vein, theora55's and Locochona's excellent answers are my favourites in this thread.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 6:13 PM on January 10, 2010
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 6:13 PM on January 10, 2010
Thanks all for the useful and varied advice. I'm doing my best to focus on short-term misery management for now: allowing myself to feel upset when it hits me, as it regularly does, but also making sure my days and weeks are filled with things that make me happy, even if that's only a glass of Coke Zero and four episodes of Harper's Island before bed. Hopefully, giving my head and heart a break for now will help the long-term picture, and decisions thereof, look clearer.
For those who've asked about whether my ex is getting help - I am fairly (although not absolutely) sure that he is, in the form of seeing a counsellor. I have no idea how that's going, whether the counsellor has recommended other paths to take, or whether it'll be something he's willing to do the work for in the longer term. (While my knowledge of mental health issues is fairly patchy, I'm guessing that any kind of therapy involves far more than the part about turning up to sit in a chair once a week.)
And for the benefit of any poor souls in similar circumstances reading this post in the future, let me nth the reminder that you cannot fix loved ones going through this sort of thing. I had one other relationship, long long ago, in which mental illness reared its head; I took it upon myself to be The Girl Who Fixed Him, thinking that all he needed was love, patience, and someone to talk to. Not only did that not help him, but it nearly destroyed me. Don't do this.
posted by Catseye at 7:51 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
For those who've asked about whether my ex is getting help - I am fairly (although not absolutely) sure that he is, in the form of seeing a counsellor. I have no idea how that's going, whether the counsellor has recommended other paths to take, or whether it'll be something he's willing to do the work for in the longer term. (While my knowledge of mental health issues is fairly patchy, I'm guessing that any kind of therapy involves far more than the part about turning up to sit in a chair once a week.)
And for the benefit of any poor souls in similar circumstances reading this post in the future, let me nth the reminder that you cannot fix loved ones going through this sort of thing. I had one other relationship, long long ago, in which mental illness reared its head; I took it upon myself to be The Girl Who Fixed Him, thinking that all he needed was love, patience, and someone to talk to. Not only did that not help him, but it nearly destroyed me. Don't do this.
posted by Catseye at 7:51 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Though the circumstances may not be the same, everyone goes through this. Stop regretting the past and be kind to yourself. I'm a fan of cutting off all contact in situations like this because what you're doing now is just prolonging the pain and living in limbo. IMO, relationships should not be this much work in the beginning; the road only gets bumpier.
posted by bunny hugger at 7:57 AM on January 11, 2010
posted by bunny hugger at 7:57 AM on January 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
When that happens and I find myself thinking "this is so irrational, why is he acting so crazy???" I remind myself that it's BECAUSE HE HAS A MENTAL ILLNESS. People with a mental illness sometimes behave irrationally (heh... not unlike people who don't have mental illness, eh? but...yeah...MORE so).
That helps me considerably. Just remembering that he's got a mental illness and that these out-of-the-blue rages have absolutely nothing to do with me, really. Obviously, a person has to put up some serious emotional shielding for this to work. And then you have to be trusting enough to let the emotional shielding down when it's safe again.
posted by rhartong at 6:03 AM on January 10, 2010