Utterly delusional letter sent from my ex to my current partner (stating I belong with the ex, am being kept from him, and am currently in love with him). Here is our plan; what do you think?
(Sorry this is long. I've edited carefully for length, but I'm including relevant details since I'm anon / can't respond in-thread.)
I broke up with this ex eight months ago, after many months of badly deteriorating communication, increasing disconnection from reality on his part, and bouts of obsessive contact attempts (e.g. calling me every few minutes for hours at a time).
Breakup was via email (by that point I'd told him I absolutely refused to have phone contact, although he was ignoring this and still leaving voicemails). The breakup email said I no longer considered myself to be in any kind of relationship with him and that if he came near my new home, the result would be a call to the police rather than any contact with me.
All his phoning and emailing stopped when I sent this breakup email last September. Now, after 8+ months of no contact, he's sent a letter to my current partner via registered mail, at the address of the home I share with this partner (which is in a different state than the ex lives in, in a town he'd have no natural reason to visit).
The letter is six dense pages of complete delusion, such as these points:
- I'm in love with him, I am his current partner, and he and I "know we want to spend the rest of our lives together";
- He and I have agreed to have children together (he describes specific plans and timeline -- in reality I never so much as told him I wanted a child, much less made any such plans);
- He and I live together, and I want to return to "our shared home" (the letter uses this phrase a LOT) but forces beyond my control are keeping me from him;
- He has always been my savior, emotionally and otherwise, and he is "profoundly worried" about my being trapped in a bad situation I can't leave.
There are many other delusions and/or lies (I truly can't tell which), often seemingly purposeful exact-opposites of reality.
As far as I know he's never shown or been treated for this degree of break with reality. (I did repeatedly try during our relationship to get him to see a therapist for other deep issues -- never successfully -- but I never observed anything like this.)
To me this is intensely concerning and indirectly threatening. Local police don't care, and the national and local domestic violence hotlines I tried (because googling "stalking" leads you to DV resources) were sympathetic but useless. No one will help because he hasn't made direct threats, hasn't tried coming to our house "so far" (!), and never abused me when we were together.
So, a plan to respond:
in addition to getting more serious about home security (for our thus far totally undefended/un-alarmed house), we realized there are luckily people in my life whom he knew at least casually when he and I were together, who -- like everyone other than him -- know I'm deeply happy and peaceful in my current relationship. He and I didn't have mutual close friends (he had no close friends other than me), so these are close friends of mine who knew him in passing.
We feel getting this message from them to him in a human-as-possible way is much better than escalating the situation (for example with a letter from a lawyer, which we feel could seriously increase his delusion that I'm being held against my will -- his letter includes paranoidly invented/exaggerated situations and people, including vaguely described professionals, that he thinks have actively kept me away from him).
At the end of his letter he gives all his contact info and asks my partner to contact him. We think this contact should be a request to schedule a phone call, and the scheduled call should be a conference call with him and about four of my close friends who also knew him at least in passing. A recorded call, definitely (all parties would be in a one-party-consent state). They would collectively tell him that I'm doing fine, that I'm not his partner and don't want any contact with him, and that my current partner and I will each be sending him separate formal letters (contents certified by a notary public) saying he's not to contact us in any manner and he's not to come near our house (on penalty of [whatever would be the legal remedy, if he did such things after a provable request not to]).
-- Is this the best strategy overall (keeping in mind, as mentioned, that we do NOT want to do anything that would push this obviously unstable mind into further escalation if we can help it)?
-- Should my partner be one of the people on the call, or is it better to not reward the ex with live contact from either of us?
(Clearly *I* should not be one of the people on the call.)
-- Is a notary public the right way to have proof of the content in the letters we send?
Clearly email, including my breakup email, is useless as proof (my ex, of all people
, knows digital records can be faked, and his complete rewriting of history suggests he would fake and/or deny both contents and headers of past emails).
Thank you for reading.