I bite my thumb at thee.
May 18, 2011 7:07 PM Subscribe
It's not nice to meet you. Help me find a way to respond to meeting someone in person whom I've dealt with via email for quite some time and who has gone out of their way to insult my direct reporting team, our product, and myself.
I'm looking for a way to respond to someone who says, "Nice to meet you," without saying that its nice to meet them. I also, when introduced don't want to be in the situation where I have to start that social transaction. I know it's petty, but this person has made it a point to target my team and while I know I should grin and bear it, I'd like to find a middle social ground in this situation.
Any ideas, metamind?
Thanks in advance!
I'm looking for a way to respond to someone who says, "Nice to meet you," without saying that its nice to meet them. I also, when introduced don't want to be in the situation where I have to start that social transaction. I know it's petty, but this person has made it a point to target my team and while I know I should grin and bear it, I'd like to find a middle social ground in this situation.
Any ideas, metamind?
Thanks in advance!
Is the person a client? Vendor? What's the relationship?
posted by tenaciousd at 7:11 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by tenaciousd at 7:11 PM on May 18, 2011
Don't say anything. Smile, nod, shake the offered hand -and walk away.
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 7:12 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 7:12 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'm in operations, and this person is in sales. Due to that we have conflicting goals.
posted by Draccy at 7:12 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by Draccy at 7:12 PM on May 18, 2011
"Hello! How nice to put a face to the name. [thin lipped smile] Please excuse me." Then walk away.
posted by phunniemee at 7:12 PM on May 18, 2011 [16 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 7:12 PM on May 18, 2011 [16 favorites]
The most terse you can be is to just repeat back their name:
Third party: "And of course you know John Smith"
You: "John" (shake hands, making steady eye contact)
Is the person coming to your territory, or are you going to theirs, or are you meeting on neutral ground? You can ask how their trip was. You can say "did you find the place ok?" You can immediately jump to introducing them to others: "did you meet Marcy, our team engineer?" etc, suggesting they be forced to interact with the people they're targeting.
Other options:
"It's nice to finally put a face to the name."
"Hi there."
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:13 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Third party: "And of course you know John Smith"
You: "John" (shake hands, making steady eye contact)
Is the person coming to your territory, or are you going to theirs, or are you meeting on neutral ground? You can ask how their trip was. You can say "did you find the place ok?" You can immediately jump to introducing them to others: "did you meet Marcy, our team engineer?" etc, suggesting they be forced to interact with the people they're targeting.
Other options:
"It's nice to finally put a face to the name."
"Hi there."
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:13 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
"We meet at last."
posted by deludingmyself at 7:14 PM on May 18, 2011 [28 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 7:14 PM on May 18, 2011 [28 favorites]
Best answer: Miss Manners says the way to do this is to say "How do you do." You don't have to care about how they do.
It does sound a little overly formal, but I think that's fine in this situation. Personally I've only ever used this casually-- between that and being from the Northeast I can substitute "How you doin'."
posted by Ashley801 at 7:14 PM on May 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
It does sound a little overly formal, but I think that's fine in this situation. Personally I've only ever used this casually-- between that and being from the Northeast I can substitute "How you doin'."
posted by Ashley801 at 7:14 PM on May 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
Also, here's a freakin' awesome thread about backhanded phrases. Apply liberally.
posted by carsonb at 7:14 PM on May 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by carsonb at 7:14 PM on May 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I can understand not wanting to engage in hypocrisy, and certainly in situations like this I've been known to say simply "hello" in what I hoped was a neutral tone. If the customer is an assclown, he or she knows pretty much how you feel and may want to make a point out of making this awkward.
Having said all that, honestly, what's morally wrong with just being friendly? Be better than they are. Presumably your company wants to keep doing business with them; how are you going to win by being less than courteous?
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:15 PM on May 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
Having said all that, honestly, what's morally wrong with just being friendly? Be better than they are. Presumably your company wants to keep doing business with them; how are you going to win by being less than courteous?
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:15 PM on May 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: "How do you do?" is still the canonical greeting phrase in English and means exactly nothing. Stay phatic.
posted by zadcat at 7:15 PM on May 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 7:15 PM on May 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
There is nothing to be gained from mirroring this persons bad attitude. If you instead act completely agreeable and pretend like there has been no conflict, that will really throw them for a loop.
posted by pwally at 7:16 PM on May 18, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by pwally at 7:16 PM on May 18, 2011 [7 favorites]
"My name is Draccy of Operations. You killed my product. Prepare to die."
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:24 PM on May 18, 2011 [21 favorites]
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:24 PM on May 18, 2011 [21 favorites]
"Hi there"
posted by unknowncommand at 7:26 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by unknowncommand at 7:26 PM on May 18, 2011
My preferred method for meeting someone I'd rather not meet: Say their name, give them a single-pump handshake that's maybe slightly too hard a squeeze, get 'distracted' by anything if they start talking, disengage while making an "I was obviously not listening to you just now" sort of comment about something barely related, like you hardly noticed them at all, and be on your way.
Ideally, the only word you say to them is their first name, then disengage like they ain't shit.
posted by EatTheWeek at 7:30 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Ideally, the only word you say to them is their first name, then disengage like they ain't shit.
posted by EatTheWeek at 7:30 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
"How nice to be able to put a face to the name on all those emails."
Best delivered with intense eye-contact and no hint of a smile.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 7:32 PM on May 18, 2011 [12 favorites]
Best delivered with intense eye-contact and no hint of a smile.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 7:32 PM on May 18, 2011 [12 favorites]
Nice to meet you!
Wish I could say the same (with a smile)
posted by lizbunny at 7:35 PM on May 18, 2011
Wish I could say the same (with a smile)
posted by lizbunny at 7:35 PM on May 18, 2011
Just be over the top friendly towards the guy.
posted by ian1977 at 7:39 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 7:39 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
or gal. sorry. nary a 'he' in sight.
posted by ian1977 at 7:40 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by ian1977 at 7:40 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Howdy."
posted by autoclavicle at 7:42 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by autoclavicle at 7:42 PM on May 18, 2011
Reading through carsonb's linked thread, I kinda like a bold, unabashed "No comment," delivered with a handshake and a broad, teeth-bared grin.
You want to make them uncomfortable, right?
posted by contraption at 7:43 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
You want to make them uncomfortable, right?
posted by contraption at 7:43 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Don't assume the person wants to meet you, either. In a similar situation, I tried to avoid my adversary like the plague. I am in sales, and I complained constantly about a fulfilment area - in fact, we all complained, for over a year, and that area was finally shut down. In any case, we had a "team building" meeting, and when forced to endure the presence of the other individual, I simply shook her hand and said, "good evening". (not saying the complaints are justified in your situation).
posted by brownrd at 7:43 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by brownrd at 7:43 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If the issue is that your job duties are at cross purposes, maybe it would be better to just be kind? Even if they haven't always been.
There's nothing to be lost here by going through the motions and saying, "Hi, nice to finally meet in person" or whatever, just like you would for anyone else. Any other behavior is not only passive aggressive, but perhaps unnecessarily so.
posted by Sara C. at 7:44 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
There's nothing to be lost here by going through the motions and saying, "Hi, nice to finally meet in person" or whatever, just like you would for anyone else. Any other behavior is not only passive aggressive, but perhaps unnecessarily so.
posted by Sara C. at 7:44 PM on May 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
The pissier you get, the more they win.
That said, if you want to insult them I'd recommend the conspicuous use of hand sanitizer immediately after shaking hands with them.
posted by alms at 7:45 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
That said, if you want to insult them I'd recommend the conspicuous use of hand sanitizer immediately after shaking hands with them.
posted by alms at 7:45 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: echoing what brownrd said..
Don't discount the opportunity to gain an ally. The person might regret it or might have been playing recess politics with the other cool kids in his dept or whatever. Give them a chance to make it right. Express an honest desire to know why they said/did what they did and be friendly about it.
And who knows, they might even have some kernel of truth to why they said what that said, why not take the chance to learn from it?
Overall itd be the high road that might make a friend/ally and if not would leave an unmotivated enemy kinda floundered with little ammo for further retaliations.
posted by ian1977 at 7:51 PM on May 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
Don't discount the opportunity to gain an ally. The person might regret it or might have been playing recess politics with the other cool kids in his dept or whatever. Give them a chance to make it right. Express an honest desire to know why they said/did what they did and be friendly about it.
And who knows, they might even have some kernel of truth to why they said what that said, why not take the chance to learn from it?
Overall itd be the high road that might make a friend/ally and if not would leave an unmotivated enemy kinda floundered with little ammo for further retaliations.
posted by ian1977 at 7:51 PM on May 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
"Oh, you're that person".
(actually, I like Malibustacy's)
posted by pompomtom at 8:15 PM on May 18, 2011
(actually, I like Malibustacy's)
posted by pompomtom at 8:15 PM on May 18, 2011
I've laughed at the answers here, but honestly, don't you want to be better than this? Take the higher ground. You won't regret it in the long run.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:15 PM on May 18, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:15 PM on May 18, 2011 [8 favorites]
(Emphasis on the "you're" not the "that", because that would be pissy...)
posted by pompomtom at 8:16 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by pompomtom at 8:16 PM on May 18, 2011
DOUCHEBAG SALES GUY: "Nice to meet you".
DACCY: "Yes".
or
DACCY: "Indeed".
or
DACCY: "I'm sorry, who are you again?"
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:17 PM on May 18, 2011
DACCY: "Yes".
or
DACCY: "Indeed".
or
DACCY: "I'm sorry, who are you again?"
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:17 PM on May 18, 2011
Damn it! I meant "Draccy". Sorry.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:18 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:18 PM on May 18, 2011
I wouldn't be friendly, but I'd do the bare minimum of politeness because this is a work problem and you can't go after it with both barrels.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:21 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:21 PM on May 18, 2011
'Wait - you're a guy? Boy, do I feel stupid!' [substitute gender appropriately]
'Oh, wow, you don't look anything like I expected!'
'Heh, I had a fish named [name], once.'
'Oh...um, hi. Hey, you're not [significant other's first name]'s [relationship], are you? No, no reason.'
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:25 PM on May 18, 2011
'Oh, wow, you don't look anything like I expected!'
'Heh, I had a fish named [name], once.'
'Oh...um, hi. Hey, you're not [significant other's first name]'s [relationship], are you? No, no reason.'
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:25 PM on May 18, 2011
Best answer: "How nice to be able to put a face to the name" is good because it reminds them that those vicious and insulting emails they've been sending are received by _people_. That realization on their part, which is also helped along by generally being kind and trying to get on better terms, are the things that will do the most for your working relationship in th future.
posted by Lady Li at 8:31 PM on May 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Lady Li at 8:31 PM on May 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I'm surprised at many of the answers here...Take the high road.
You will be judged poorly by peers and superiors if you try something petty here...and more than that it gives you no advantage and so isn't really in your best interest...
posted by NoDef at 8:35 PM on May 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
You will be judged poorly by peers and superiors if you try something petty here...and more than that it gives you no advantage and so isn't really in your best interest...
posted by NoDef at 8:35 PM on May 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
I vote for the high road. "Good to meet you" has an existential ambiguity that I think does move the relationship forward. It's better for everybody if there are faces to names. It could only be the detachment between your teams that allowed the viciousness and them having met you could turn the tide if you don't shit in their mouth.
posted by rhizome at 8:43 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by rhizome at 8:43 PM on May 18, 2011
A genuinely cheerful "ah, we finally meet! how do you do" is polite and sane while also giving you a little catharsis. Imagine that you're in a Pinter play or that you're an especially elegant Bond villain.
Don't cheapen the moment by trying to be cold or menacing - that will come off as silly.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:56 PM on May 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
Don't cheapen the moment by trying to be cold or menacing - that will come off as silly.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:56 PM on May 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Have you ever seen one of those letters to Dear Abby or the like complaining that the writer hates when someone says "no problem" in response to their thank you, because they hadn't meant to be a "problem" in the first place? This question reminds me of that - in both cases it's worth remembering that these little phrases are mostly phatic in nature and usually not meant to be taken literally. As others have noted above, odds are good that this salesperson doesn't really think it's nice to meet you, either, so answering with an equally empty "nice to meet you, too" is not going to cost you any points here. On the other hand, any thumb-biting you do, no matter how subtle you think you're being, is only going to make you look petty (and may reinforce any negative feelings the salesperson already has, not only of you, but also of the team and product you represent).
My vote is to score some Moral High Ground Points by playing nicer than you think this salesperson deserves.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:56 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
My vote is to score some Moral High Ground Points by playing nicer than you think this salesperson deserves.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:56 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
"We meet at last."
This would be the ideal time to twirl your moustache or gently stroke a large fluffy white cat you just happen to be holding.
posted by elizardbits at 9:19 PM on May 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
This would be the ideal time to twirl your moustache or gently stroke a large fluffy white cat you just happen to be holding.
posted by elizardbits at 9:19 PM on May 18, 2011 [5 favorites]
Imagine yourself saying all of these great snubs & use it as a cathartic release. When the moment comes, be professional and courteous. Nthing that you could use the "nice to put a face with the name" phrase, since it could be ambiguous, but that's as far as I would take it in a work/work-related environment.
posted by studioaudience at 9:47 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by studioaudience at 9:47 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There's a lot of advice in this thread recommending that you be passive aggressive, or otherwise insert some sort of subtext into your remarks. Unfortunately, this will likely trigger another unpleasant interaction somewhere down the road.
If you're pissed, and you want to express your anger, do so openly, and in plain language (never mind the loaded phrases and intense eye contact, etc).
However, if the guy is a borderline sociopath, there's really no point. Anyone in sales who is as destructive as this fellow is, is more than up to the task of eating sly passive-aggressive comments for breakfast and coming back for more with a sharp fork.
Instead, I like the idea of just saying the guy's name, and then keeping quiet. If he needs any info, let him ask for it.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:56 PM on May 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you're pissed, and you want to express your anger, do so openly, and in plain language (never mind the loaded phrases and intense eye contact, etc).
However, if the guy is a borderline sociopath, there's really no point. Anyone in sales who is as destructive as this fellow is, is more than up to the task of eating sly passive-aggressive comments for breakfast and coming back for more with a sharp fork.
Instead, I like the idea of just saying the guy's name, and then keeping quiet. If he needs any info, let him ask for it.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:56 PM on May 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Nthing the "good to put a face to the name" suggestion. It's firmly within the repertoire of social niceties and is therefore above reproach, but is also absolutely true in a deeply snarky way.
posted by desuetude at 10:05 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by desuetude at 10:05 PM on May 18, 2011
In those situations, I just nod and smile, making direct eye contact the whole time. If you say something unpleasant, it kind of justifies them being nasty to you... if you're a heinous troll, then they'll feel like it's okay to have an adversarial relationship with you, because, hey, heinous troll. If you're perfectly polite, you can quietly delight in watching them squirm at being confronted with a person they wrote awful emails to.
posted by mornie_alantie at 10:55 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mornie_alantie at 10:55 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
In these situations I go out of my way to be super friendly, just to confuse the person.
posted by fifilaru at 11:36 PM on May 18, 2011
posted by fifilaru at 11:36 PM on May 18, 2011
sometimes it is fun to be really nice to people who I know don't like me, because it kinda forces them to be nice back, and you get to watch them grit their teeth while doing it. On the other hand, saying "now I know what you look like" with a big evil grin would be fun too.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:20 AM on May 19, 2011
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:20 AM on May 19, 2011
I'd go with a jokey "Ah, my nemesis! We meet at last!" and then extreme charm including introductions to the team. (Think Hank Scorpio.) You might find that this makes it harder to insult you via email in the future. On the other hand, if you act like a jerk this will just reinforce their belief that it is okay to insult you via e-mail.
If it makes you feel better, think of it as stone-cold manipulation rather than letting them walk all over you. You might also want to laugh maniacally after they leave and gloat to your clonebots that Richards has walked right into your niceness trap, and shall rue the day he sent impolite emails to Doom.
posted by No-sword at 1:04 AM on May 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
If it makes you feel better, think of it as stone-cold manipulation rather than letting them walk all over you. You might also want to laugh maniacally after they leave and gloat to your clonebots that Richards has walked right into your niceness trap, and shall rue the day he sent impolite emails to Doom.
posted by No-sword at 1:04 AM on May 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Be the better person. You can be formal, but don't stoop to their level.
posted by arcticseal at 2:14 AM on May 19, 2011
posted by arcticseal at 2:14 AM on May 19, 2011
"i'm sorry, i'm not good with names. yours rings a bell. have we met before?" shows you haven't lost any sleep over their actions.
posted by canned polar bear at 3:27 AM on May 19, 2011
posted by canned polar bear at 3:27 AM on May 19, 2011
Please resist any urge to be snarky, sarcastic, or unprofessional. You don't have to be friendly or warm. "[name]," spoken with a little upspeak. "Good to meet you," spoken flatly. It's courteous and professional without being friendly.
posted by Dolley at 6:26 AM on May 19, 2011
posted by Dolley at 6:26 AM on May 19, 2011
If (s)he says "Nice to meet you!", the only thing you can say in response is "Likewise!".
If (s)he was sincere in the first place, so are you. If the greeting was meant snarkily, so is yours.
posted by aimedwander at 7:00 AM on May 19, 2011
If (s)he was sincere in the first place, so are you. If the greeting was meant snarkily, so is yours.
posted by aimedwander at 7:00 AM on May 19, 2011
I'd go with something polite but distant: the "face to a name" stuff or just a simple "Hello." That way your actions are above reproach, but you don't have to betray your id.
posted by bluishorange at 7:00 AM on May 19, 2011
posted by bluishorange at 7:00 AM on May 19, 2011
I will freely cop to being petty and passive-aggressive with people who've hurt me. It's not something I like about myself, and I try to keep a lid on the more egregious behaviours, but the foundations were laid at a pretty early age and I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm more or less stuck this way. It does mean that, after 27 years, I've got bitchy sub-subtext down to a science, and my very "favourite" thing to do—which once prompted a close friend to tell me "You do all the right things for all the wrong reasons"—might just be perfect for your situation. And it's this:
All those shitty emails? They didn't offend you. They barely registered. "I'm sorry, you're who? Oh! Yeah, hey, good to meet you." I mean, are they an asshole? I guess, if you really had to think about it for a minute; but, you know, you get a lot of email, and you have better things to do than keep track of who's a dick and who isn't.
In other words, letting them see that they made even the tiniest bit of impact on you is letting them win. Only important people can make you feel hurt or mad or resentful. This jackass barely rates. Walk into that first meeting with a shit-eating grin on your face, shake their hand warmly if a little absent-mindedly, make direct but brief eye contact, and rub their face in the apparent fact that you didn't even think about the dirt on your shoulder before you brushed it off.
You'll take the moral high ground decisively, anyone who knows your history will see a cool, calm professional who's miles above this kind of schoolyard bullshit, and your nemesis will feel like the insignificant worm that they are. It's an unequivocal win.
posted by Zozo at 9:12 AM on May 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
All those shitty emails? They didn't offend you. They barely registered. "I'm sorry, you're who? Oh! Yeah, hey, good to meet you." I mean, are they an asshole? I guess, if you really had to think about it for a minute; but, you know, you get a lot of email, and you have better things to do than keep track of who's a dick and who isn't.
In other words, letting them see that they made even the tiniest bit of impact on you is letting them win. Only important people can make you feel hurt or mad or resentful. This jackass barely rates. Walk into that first meeting with a shit-eating grin on your face, shake their hand warmly if a little absent-mindedly, make direct but brief eye contact, and rub their face in the apparent fact that you didn't even think about the dirt on your shoulder before you brushed it off.
You'll take the moral high ground decisively, anyone who knows your history will see a cool, calm professional who's miles above this kind of schoolyard bullshit, and your nemesis will feel like the insignificant worm that they are. It's an unequivocal win.
posted by Zozo at 9:12 AM on May 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
'Hi, pleased to meet you. Are you the same guy who sent those emails? Oh, wow can't wait to tell the crew. We have your emails hung up in the lunch room. How ya doin?"
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:55 AM on May 19, 2011
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:55 AM on May 19, 2011
I'm going to be the dissenting voice against taking the high ground. The high ground is overrated. Tell your immediate higher this person is going to be there, the history, and say you want to try to clear the air. This person is costing you: time, energy, karma. That, in turn, costs your company.
Resist the temptation to be nice to this person right off the bat; they clearly don't care what you think of them. Why should you care what they think of you?
Express to this person quietly but firmly that you don't care for the way they've been treating you, and you'd like them to stop. This is why I suggest you get your higher involved. They can referee the situation, and help keep things professional on both ends. You have a goal here: the betterment of the company you work for. If you reach out to this person in a friendly manner, or are passive, they'll just keep running you over. That's not just bad for you, it's bad for the company.
posted by atchafalaya at 1:04 PM on May 19, 2011
Resist the temptation to be nice to this person right off the bat; they clearly don't care what you think of them. Why should you care what they think of you?
Express to this person quietly but firmly that you don't care for the way they've been treating you, and you'd like them to stop. This is why I suggest you get your higher involved. They can referee the situation, and help keep things professional on both ends. You have a goal here: the betterment of the company you work for. If you reach out to this person in a friendly manner, or are passive, they'll just keep running you over. That's not just bad for you, it's bad for the company.
posted by atchafalaya at 1:04 PM on May 19, 2011
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And be curt about it.
posted by carsonb at 7:10 PM on May 18, 2011 [1 favorite]