How to decide between current partner and new prospect
May 17, 2011 12:05 PM   Subscribe

Can you honour your current partner and explore a potential relationship with someone new without being deceitful?

In a relationship of two years with a wonderful partner and we're beginning to discuss marriage, babies and the whole lot. We have the normal ups and downs, nothing too crazy. I have a history of being attracted to quite dramatic relationships and the only thing that I struggle with is this one being, well, not dramatic. At times, I find myself creating drama and am able to have a nice stroll and put that away.

There's nothing wrong with the current relationship, in fact, it's the best that I have had thus far in terms of mutual support and overall connection. We have both grown tremendously and being together has put us each on great tracks, professionally and personally.

Over the weekend, I met someone who I felt a very strong attraction to. She is also in a relationship with a partner of two years. There was nothing spoken on in specifics, however, there was definitely an attraction and connection from my part. We had discussions about our relationships and found not only many mutual qualities but also that we're both coming to decision points about permanence.

Initially, I felt a bit guilty for the attraction however reminded myself that cheating is an action not a thought. Happily, I am at peace with that.

The question is has anyone been in a situation where they have pursued a platonic friendship with low-intensity to see what would happen?

I am not going to make any rash moves and am too old for dramatic storylines. In six months time, I would hope that one option of the three would become clear (current partner, new partner, back to single).

And before anyone says "when you know, you know" about marriage and whatnot, I have been waiting to know for ten years and have not known yet. Thus I think probably I will have to make this decision as every other decision in life -- a balance between rationality and emotion.

Finally, I feel secure in this position for I do believe it can be done without deceit or malice. Regardless, current partner has been a tremendous supporter in my business and will be receive equity shares from a new venture and I certainly have no intentions of changing those plans.

Reversing the situation, if partner embarked upon the same course of action, to the same output, whilst I would of course feel sadness if the relationship ended, if she acted in her best interest, explored her feelings whilst honouring mine, and found she needed to go another direction, I wouldn't be able to find fault.

I want everybody to be happy and in the right place. I previously assumed the world as rather binary (you're either in a relationship or you're not. you're either committed to a person, or you're not). As the calendar ticks over, I am working on seeing shades of grey and finding better answers and processes. Am I deluding myself here or am I onto something?

Let's not mince words as well, we're all adults and this is anonymous.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (54 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
You can only engage in the shades of gray if your partner is okay with it. It is possible to start a new relationship with someone while being in a long-term committed relationship, if your partner is okay with it. Otherwise, your partner signed up for a monogamous relationship, and you can't retroactively change the terms of that relationship. She deserves to be able to have a relationship that works for her, and she can't make that decision unless she has all of the relevant information, i.e. that you see things in shades of gray.

Don't kid yourself that you are capable of a platonic friendship with this girl right now. You want to stay around to explore whether your interest in this person is stronger than your interest in your partner, and your partner doesn't deserve to be strung along like that while you make up your mind. Figure out what you want, and then pursue it.
posted by Phire at 12:09 PM on May 17, 2011 [10 favorites]


The short answer to your question imo, is no.
posted by epiphinite at 12:09 PM on May 17, 2011 [9 favorites]


Can you honour your current partner and explore a potential relationship with someone new without being deceitful?

Yes, by telling them.
posted by acidic at 12:10 PM on May 17, 2011 [45 favorites]


Let your current partner have full access to your emails, voicemails, IMs and text messages with this new person.

Did you balk at that? Then no, you can't do this without being deceitful.
posted by desjardins at 12:12 PM on May 17, 2011 [26 favorites]


How would your partner react if she were to read your question? For all we know, she might be relieved if she feels equally ambivalent about the relationship (and maybe she is, if she hasn't proposed after ten years, assuming that marriage is important to her).
posted by halogen at 12:13 PM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]


It sounds like you just want validation. You're going to do what you're going to do. Do not pretend it will not hurt the other party if she finds out. The question isn't whether what you want to do is or is not something that should be labelled "cheating". It is potentially hurtful, it is definitely deceitful if you mislead your current interest into thinking you're only pursuing things with her, which is going to be her assumption if you're currently exclusive.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't explore other options. Sometimes stuff hurts. Staying with and eventually marrying someone who isn't the one you really want to be with long-term is obviously not something you should do.

That said? A girl having a conversation with you, a person in a relationship, about her relationship, does not say *anything* about her actually finding you attractive or wanting to be with you or anything else, and if she hasn't made any overtures towards you, hitting on someone who is in a committed relationship while you are, too, is going to make you look *incredibly* skeezy if it turns out she's not interested.
posted by gracedissolved at 12:15 PM on May 17, 2011 [12 favorites]


You just met this woman over the weekend and you are considering putting your two year relationship on the line, just see where it goes. It sounds to me like you are creating drama for yourself. I think you need to be really honest with yourself - are you willing to take that terrifying step of commitment, forsaking all others or not? Because even if the new one doesn't pan out, the fact is that you are still haunted by the idea of something better out there.

Also, if you break up with your current partner, expect your business relationship to get very complicated and very emotional - no matter what your intentions are going in, it is very, very hard to maintain a close professional relationship after a break up unless there is either extraordinary maturity (which doubt based on your current situation) or if the breakup is a relief to both parties (not just a regretful acceptance of the other person's choice). So you are putting a lot on the line here.
posted by metahawk at 12:21 PM on May 17, 2011 [4 favorites]


You just met her over the weekend? I'm not sure how you would be wanting to potentially end this long-term relationship after meeting someone one time a few days ago, unless you were already having doubts and looking for an "out." If you want to have a more dramatic relationshp, that is fine go do it. Just leave your current partner out of it. It's not fair to her, and does not "honor" her in any way to pursue what you're hoping will be more than platonic when she has been participating in a monogamous relationship up til now.
posted by goggie at 12:23 PM on May 17, 2011


In a relationship of two years with a wonderful partner and we're beginning to discuss marriage, babies and the whole lot. ... I am not going to make any rash moves and am too old for dramatic storylines. In six months time, I would hope that one option of the three would become clear (current partner, new partner, back to single).

If you want to talk with your current girlfriend about having an open relationship, that's one thing (one thing, I hasten to add, that would probably end badly). But it seems strange to me to be simultaneously contemplating marriage in the "best relationship" you've ever had, and also having a worldview in which you could find yourself single again within the next six months.

Your talk of the important personal and professional tracks this relationship has put each of you and your GF on, and the valuable equity she will get in your business (and this thread overall) seem like you're looking for some sort of validation or permission for ending this relationship, and this connection with this other woman is more of a symptom, not a cause, of your wanderlust.

So, without further ado: You officially have my permission to end your relationship with your girlfriend. I can give you this permission without compunction due to the manifest fact that GF will be better off without you at this point. Please do not marry her and give her babies until you sort yourself out.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 12:25 PM on May 17, 2011 [8 favorites]


There's a very cliche saying for what you want to do: "having your cake and eating it, too."

No, you can't pursue a "platonic" "friendship" (in quotes because neither is accurate for a relationship that's built on a foundation of flirting and attraction) with this girl without risking your current relationship--not to mention your business arrangement.

Monogamy is really nothing more than a series of decisions to choose your current partner over other options. It's not a small internal revelation or fireworks or whatnot.

Am I deluding myself here or am I onto something?

Deluding yourself.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:26 PM on May 17, 2011 [10 favorites]


I was going to write something longer, but I'll keep it simple:

1. If you're in a committed monogamous relationship, you shouldn't pursue a relationship with someone else.
2. You shouldn't pursue a relationship with someone who is currently in a committed monogamous relationship.
3. You shouldn't come up with an elaborate rationalization to convince yourself to ignore the fact that you already know 1 and 2.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:30 PM on May 17, 2011 [12 favorites]


Of course not, unless you have an open relationship and tell her. And give me a break with all the flowery language. You want permission to audition a new girlfriend, while still keeping your current girlfriend as your fall back position should it not work out. It's cowardly and dishonest. It is in no way honoring her feelings or honoring your relationship. If you want to explore a new relationship, you get out of your current one or you're honest and tell her. But really, you aren't even looking for an open relationship, you want to be in a no risk situation here. You want to have your cake and eat it to. Keep the current girlfriend and pursue things with another one. This is not one of those shades of gray situations.
posted by whoaali at 12:31 PM on May 17, 2011 [41 favorites]


"Can you honour your current partner and explore a potential relationship with someone new without being deceitful?"


lots of people are in relationships where that's okay. open marriage isn't "mainstream", but it's nothing new, and there are good resources on the web about it.

i'd suggest checking out the polyamory FAQ which includes ideas about how to talk to your partner about considering involvement with people outside your relationship.
posted by groovinkim at 12:33 PM on May 17, 2011 [2 favorites]


Is your question about: h to end your current relationship on good terms?
or
how to have an open relationship (since you don't want deceit)?
or
can I cheat on my partner without being a douche?


Since you just met this person and you are already considering your options, isn't it a very good sign that you are not fully into your current relationship?

If I knew that my partner just had meh feelings for me, I'd want him to hit the road and find true happiness elsewhere, without leading me on with lukewarm feelings. Keep it real and don't waste anyone's time.
posted by Neekee at 12:34 PM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]


Don't confused "attraction" with basic "infatuation." All this seems to be is simple infatuation. Fantasize about it if you are into/okay with that, but don't pursue anything and especially don't be deceitful.
posted by TinWhistle at 12:34 PM on May 17, 2011


I am not going to make any rash moves and am too old for dramatic storylines. In six months time, I would hope that one option of the three would become clear (current partner, new partner, back to single).

It's easy to do this in a non-deceitful fashion: talk to your partner about this. Talk to the person you're interested in. How is this not obvious?
posted by rtha at 12:35 PM on May 17, 2011 [2 favorites]


Here's another thought...why not determine first if you want to be in your current relationship? Can you be committed to this one person; do you wish to be monogamous? If the answers to those questions are "NO", then end the relationship first.

If things are rough or not what you want, then get out, regardless of any infatuation with someone new. Concentrate on the relationship at hand before you worry about starting something else.
posted by johnn at 12:35 PM on May 17, 2011 [7 favorites]


Can you honour your current partner and explore a potential relationship with someone new without being deceitful?

Sure, if your current partner has explicitly agreed to a non-monogamous relationship and knows exactly why you're pursuing a friendship with your new crush.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:35 PM on May 17, 2011 [3 favorites]


I have a history of being attracted to quite dramatic relationships and the only thing that I struggle with is this one being, well, not dramatic. At times, I find myself creating drama and am able to have a nice stroll and put that away.

This sounds like precisely what you're doing right now - creating drama for the sake of having drama. My rule is: never leave someone for someone else. End a relationship because it's not right, but don't ever get to the point where your feelings for someone else interfere with your current relationship; that's extraordinarily unfair to the person you're with (not to mention painful to the point of being cruel).
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 12:39 PM on May 17, 2011 [3 favorites]


If I knew that my partner were thinking "in the next six months I will choose between Frowner and New Person", I would want out. And if I found out later that my partner had gone through a period of Frowner-versus-New-Person evaluation, it would be difficult to feel the same about them. Now, if we'd been having problems and my partner had considered an affair, I could handle that.

But if it's framed like "at the store I choose the optimal foodstuff and in my relationships I choose the optimal girlfriend, so I will compare and contrast Frowner and New Person to see which is better!" I would feel extremely...commodified, objectified and creeped out, like my actual life that I actually was living with you had just been one long audition/taste test.

It sounds like you're in a casual relationship that fills the time and you're looking to bail as soon as you have a new one lined up. That's not very mature.
posted by Frowner at 12:49 PM on May 17, 2011 [9 favorites]


I tend to think this is a symptom of a weak relationship. I'm not hearing that you're in love with your current "partner." I'm hearing you get along with her super-well.

In my first marriage, I sometimes had infatuations. I never acted on them, but I think they were a symptom of something I wasn't feeling at home.

In my second marriage, my only infatuation is with my wife. I get everything I want romantically from her, so I don't find myself wondering if so-and-so would be more fun to be with.

Seriously, seriously consider whether you really want to settle down when it means settling.
posted by musofire at 12:50 PM on May 17, 2011 [3 favorites]


If you and your current partner are not explicitly polyamorous, then no.

If you feel like you should be, then you should have that conversation with your current partner, but you'd better be ready for her (?) to be completely crushed by that.

Alternately, it sounds like you may well just be creating drama for yourself. Rather than trying to pursue things with New Girl, maybe you should try avoiding her and instead focusing on whether or not you are genuinely happy with your relationship with Current Girl in and of itself.

People who are in committed relationships meet very attractive new people all the time. That doesn't mean they should shoot off after those new attractive people.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 12:57 PM on May 17, 2011


This has nothing to do with any sort of unspoken rules.

It has to do with the rules you have set down with your partner. If it is allowed, then yes. If not allowed then no.

But it is folly to want a "low grade" platonic relationship with someone you have a powerful attraction. That's called fooling yourself.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:02 PM on May 17, 2011 [3 favorites]


Dude, just so you know, if you get married tomorrow to the ideal woman, you are STILL going to meet people you feel that spark, attraction and draw with your whole life. I really can't emphasise that enough. Marriage doesn't change the basics of human commitment. It's a concious choice and for most but not all marriages, emotional and physical fidelity is part of that commitment.

Your job in a relationship is to protect and nurture it. Cultivating a friendship with someone you know you have an attraction to is failing your partner and your obligation to her and to the unit you form, spectacularly. She is a threat to your relationship, plainly. Put on your big boy pants and WALK AWAY.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:05 PM on May 17, 2011 [10 favorites]


Would be OK if your partner did the same to you? Put yourself in her shoes.....
posted by simba at 1:07 PM on May 17, 2011


Also, I realise I read something in your question that made me think you were male. On a closer reading, you may not be and I apologise if that is not the case.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:07 PM on May 17, 2011


Can you honour your current partner and explore a potential relationship with someone new without being deceitful?

If you have to ask, then the answer is no.
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:09 PM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]


I want everybody to be happy and in the right place. I previously assumed the world as rather binary (you're either in a relationship or you're not. you're either committed to a person, or you're not). As the calendar ticks over, I am working on seeing shades of grey and finding better answers and processes. Am I deluding myself here or am I onto something?

Also, this sounds like a lot of waffle. I assume from your vocabulary that you're from a subculture which foregrounds flexibility, subtlety, complexity, autonomy. But a big piece of that is consent. You are never in a "shades of grey situation" when you know that the other people in the situation believe it to be black and white. If you know that someone else is acting on false beliefs about you and you don't sort matters out, you are acting wrongly. Two people can together be in a "shades of grey" situation; one person alone cannot.

Your feelings may be ambiguous, but your actions shouldn't be misleading.
posted by Frowner at 1:21 PM on May 17, 2011 [5 favorites]


You're looking for an "honorable" way to cheat on your partner. There isn't one.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:34 PM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]


If you're asking this question, you have no business contemplating marriage with your current girlfriend.
posted by no relation at 1:36 PM on May 17, 2011 [6 favorites]


Reversing the situation, if partner embarked upon the same course of action, to the same output, whilst I would of course feel sadness if the relationship ended, if she acted in her best interest, explored her feelings whilst honouring mine, and found she needed to go another direction, I wouldn't be able to find fault.

We're all adults. This seems like rationalizing doing something that you are pretty sure your partner will not be okay with. The metric isn't "Would I be okay with this?" the metric is "Would my partner be okay with this?" or at least that's what you're saying it is. So, yeah, really you need to think about whether you can openly and honestly talk to your partner about this. Otherwise, yes, you are being deceitful according to standard definitions of the word. And you are half-assing the relationship you claim to like because of your own confusion about what you want. I, like many other commenters in this thread, would want to know that you were doing this so that I could have a relationship with someone who was as into it as I was. This is heading for the drama that you are claiming to not want.
posted by jessamyn at 1:46 PM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]


Can you honour your current partner and explore a potential relationship with someone new without being deceitful?

Absolutely not, when doing it in secrecy.
posted by Justinian at 1:49 PM on May 17, 2011


You're beginning to explore true commitment, i.e., marriage and children
You meet someone and have an attraction.
Coincidence? I think not.

Truly, a really good relationship is worth committing to. Temptation is just that. Ignore that demon on your shoulder. Drama is enticing, but does not enhance marriage.
posted by theora55 at 2:05 PM on May 17, 2011


You're deluding yourself, to answer your question, specifically in the form of rationalizing away all the negative consequences of your actions. If you tried this, it would end badly. Either write off the girl you met this weekend - this weekend! - or write off your partner. It feels to you like you're onto something because that is what you want to hear; that's the conclusion that supports what you already want.

You say you wouldn't be able to find fault if this were done to you, and you say that what you're doing isn't cheating. Let me hit the brakes for you on that.

This isn't the first time I've seen someone try to excuse what they're doing in a relationship by insisting it isn't technically cheating, and that this somehow makes it okay. It doesn't. You appear to know that your partner would be devastated if they found out, and you seem willing to keep this a secret; if and when that blowup occurred, would you try to tell her with a straight face that what you did wasn't really cheating?

More to the point, do you think it would matter if you said that you would be okay in the same situation (and I'm not certain that's as true as you're trying to make yourself think it is)? It wouldn't. It's kind of crappy to use your own hypothetical feelings as a yardstick for acceptable reactions from your partner. If you drop this kind of bomb on her, what happens next isn't about your feelings, it's about hers. This is another thing you're telling yourself to try to make this okay to do.

Finally, I feel secure in this position for I do believe it can be done without deceit or malice.

This really isn't about malice. It's about selfishness. And unless you seriously plan to tell your partner that you're going to spend time around another woman for six months to try to figure out whether or not you should end your current relationship, then you're not doing it without deceit.

And what about the other woman? Would you try to do this without deceit as well? Would you honestly sit her down and say you want to hang out platonically for six months to try to figure out whether or not you should dump your current partner for her?

Consider this:

There was nothing spoken on in specifics, however, there was definitely an attraction and connection from my part.

What this means is you have no idea what she actually thinks, just that your feelings are there so this is worth a shot.

At best, you could say that this is mostly an exercise for you, something to help you sort out your feelings. To that I say: Sort out your feelings on your own time. As is, you're involving two other people in it without their knowledge or consent, one of whom is extraordinarily invested in you and your relationship with her.

At times, I find myself creating drama

I know you don't see it this way, but trust me: This is one of those times.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:07 PM on May 17, 2011 [8 favorites]


Hi. I'm your new crush's single twin.

I think it's impressively entitled of you to consult a bunch of strangers on the internet about your grandiose plans for my life. When were you going to let me in on your little secret?

And in six months' time, just when I've gotten to really value your friendship, the final round of auditions will be under way, unbeknownst to me, and you'll be frustrated when I mysteriously fail to follow the script you wrote for me without bothering to supply a copy. And then you'll yank the rug out from under me an leave me flat on my face with a bloody nose, and I won't know what hit me, and I'll be left to piece it together from what you've written to strangers on the internet.

So I guess in the unlikely case that your new crush's feelings matter to you, at all, any more than your partner's, you should probably find another way of dealing with this.
posted by tel3path at 2:47 PM on May 17, 2011 [10 favorites]


So, I did something like this. It was an open relationship from the start and seeing someone else still introduced more problems into the relationship. My partner was OK with me seeing others until I actually started doing it, then they started comparing themselves to the other person and feeling down because they felt they came up short.

Think about how your partner would feel if she found out you were becoming "friends" with someone with the intention of choosing between the two in the future. Your best bet in doing this honestly is to talk to her about it, but don't be surprised if you lose her or damage your relationship in the process. Even if she agrees, it could still hurt her.

Your question doesn't make it clear why you want to pursue New Person when you're presumably happy with your current partner. Take the new person out of the equation - are you still having doubts about your partner? That's what you need to address, and decide if you want to stay in the relationship in it's own merit.
posted by Pericardium at 3:03 PM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]


Initially, I felt a bit guilty for the attraction however reminded myself that cheating is an action not a thought.

And sometimes that action is "mentally withdrawing into a fantasy of some other relationship". Really, your current partner deserves your full attention. Emotional affairs can have the same or worse repercussions as physical ones.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:09 PM on May 17, 2011 [10 favorites]


…reminded myself that cheating is an action not a thought…

For what it's worth, I don't buy this at all. And I say that as someone who has many years of experience in open relationships.

For me, cheating is anything I would be embarrassed and ashamed to have my partner discover. Depending on your relationship with your partner, maybe full penetrative sex with a stranger wouldn't cross this line. Or maybe having dirty thoughts about an ex- would cross the line. It's entirely subjective to your specific relationship. But just because tab A hasn't gone into slot B, don't assume it isn't "cheating".
posted by browse at 3:37 PM on May 17, 2011 [7 favorites]


The question is has anyone been in a situation where they have pursued a platonic friendship with low-intensity to see what would happen?

I am not going to make any rash moves and am too old for dramatic storylines. In six months time, I would hope that one option of the three would become clear (current partner, new partner, back to single).


Not only do you not honour your current partner by following this plan, you dishonour yourself. You will be lying, every single day, to someone who trusts you.
posted by uans at 3:57 PM on May 17, 2011


it's normal for people to meet other people they find so interesting they are attracted to on some level, regardless of if that person is also attracted to them or if either of them are in relationships. isn't that how relationships form in the first place? just because you are in a relationships doesn't mean your mind doesn't recognize the signs of attraction with other people. now, you might need to recognize and dismiss those thoughts due to loyalty to your current partner, but even if you indulge mentally i don't think that necessarily says anything is detrimental about your character just yet.

however if you're planning to get to know this person more, why would you be doing that? if you're doing it for platonic reasons, i think you are indeed not admitting to yourself you like the person and want to get to know her to see if she is better than your current partner. i don't even think it's weird for people to be curious as to whether their partner is the best partner of everyone in the world they could have chosen, but if you've chosen your current partner you should not be questioning that doubt by putting yourself into real-world situations without your partner knowing about your doubts.
posted by only4u at 3:59 PM on May 17, 2011


Cheating is an action, not a thought. Asking the internet for advice about cheating is also an action, not a thought.
posted by that's how you get ants at 4:00 PM on May 17, 2011 [2 favorites]


You're fooling yourself, and will make a fool of your partner if you would persist in this folly.

You may in fact become wise, but you'll certainly be much sadder, as will the other players in this little rectangle-- or should I say tangle of wreckage?
posted by jamjam at 5:12 PM on May 17, 2011 [3 favorites]


You want to string your partner along while you test out someone new. But don't worry... if you break up, she'll still get equity in your new business venture, so she won't mind that you started a new relationship six months before leaving her.

And you call this honouring her feelings?
posted by equivocator at 5:43 PM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]


Can you honour your current partner and explore a potential relationship with someone new without being deceitful?

If you tell your partner you're going to spend time with this new weekend girl, "Sally," and your partner asks, "who's Sally?" what do you say?

If you tell your partner, "A girl to whom I feel a very strong attraction, with whom I intend to explore a potential relationship," then you're being honest.

Anything less than that is a lie. If you tell your partner something like "Sally's just a friend," then you are a liar.

To be frank, your post strikes me as extremely self-deluding. You're discussing MARRIAGE and BABIES with your partner of two years, and you're talking abut whether or not "exploring a potential relationship" with another woman could be done non-deceitfully? Unless your partner is aware that you're still assessing "new prospects" and see yourself as possibly single in 6 months, you're already in a complete swamp of deceit.

And you want to know if it's possible to pursue this other woman in a way that honors your partner? Ask yourself -what exactly does honor mean to you? To me, honoring someone means putting that person before yourself. That's in no way what you are doing here.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:09 PM on May 17, 2011 [4 favorites]


Just send her this as an email to start the conversation, or bring it to a couples counseling session:

There's nothing wrong with our current relationship, in fact, it's the best that I have had thus far in terms of mutual support and overall connection. We have both grown tremendously and being together has put us each on great tracks, professionally and personally.

But over the weekend, I met someone who I felt a very strong attraction to. She is also in a relationship with a partner of two years. There was nothing spoken on in specifics, however, there was definitely an attraction and connection from my part. We had discussions about our relationships and found not only many mutual qualities but also that we're both coming to decision points about permanence.

Initially, I felt a bit guilty for the attraction however reminded myself that cheating is an action not a thought. Happily, I am at peace with that.

The question is would you mind if I pursued a platonic friendship with low-intensity to see what would happen? I am hoping to honour our current partner and explore a potential relationship with this someone new without being deceitful. I want everybody to be happy and in the right place.

I previously assumed the world as rather binary (you're either in a relationship or you're not. you're either committed to a person, or you're not). As the calendar ticks over, I am working on seeing shades of grey and finding better answers and processes. Am I deluding myself here or am I onto something? Let's not mince words. We're both adults.


This email will give her a full picture of your thoughts, feelings, and intentions -- thereby ensuring no deceit. Personally, I think this could result in the relationship ending, or some other effort to address the root cause of this, but maybe you think otherwise? I hope we agree that moving ahead would require this level of disclosure and informed consent.
posted by salvia at 9:13 PM on May 17, 2011 [2 favorites]


Initially, I felt a bit guilty for the attraction however reminded myself that cheating is an action not a thought. Happily, I am at peace with that.

It's natural that you should continue to find other people attractive. You don't become a blinkered robot because you're in a relationship.

The question is has anyone been in a situation where they have pursued a platonic friendship with low-intensity to see what would happen?

...but now you're following that up. You said cheating was an action. You're acting. You're deliberately and purposefully pursuing another person. It's not platonic if you entertain romance to the point that you're willing to make the following statement:

Regardless, current partner has been a tremendous supporter in my business and will be receive equity shares from a new venture

...and now you're a scumbag.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 9:21 PM on May 17, 2011


You're really getting pilloried here and that's not entirely fair. You're going through something entirely normal and you haven't done anything unethical (yet.)

Without mincing words:
- you're uncertain as to the future of your current relationship
- you have not made a formal commitment to your partner, but it's under discussion
- you developed an attraction outside the relationship

Whether that attraction is a symptom or a cause of your ambivalence about the relationship is immaterial. The point is, you're ambivalent, and you're unsure about committing, and that's something you should listen to.

The ethical way to do it is to communicate these doubts to your partner, and as some other posters suggest, figure your shit out. This doesn't mean pursuing your plan B while sticking with plan A as if nothing's changed.

You should:
- Tell your partner what's up: the uncertainty, the attraction to others
- Get some distance from the situation: take a trip (two+ weeks) without your partner, or send her off on one, take a break from communication (with BOTH women), give yourself some space.

Yes, this might jeopardize your current relationship, but let's face it, it's already in jeopardy. You're not all in and it's not fair for her to think you are, and she should have the chance to reevaluate too.

If at the end of this you both decide to commit, great. If you're still unsure, then separation is your clear option - whether the new flame is available to you or not.

Good luck, dude (or lady), it's not an easy journey for anyone. Relationships are complex, pain is unavoidable, and being honest won't prevent it - but it's the right thing to do.
posted by jetsetlag at 4:23 AM on May 18, 2011 [5 favorites]


Take a look at Should You Leave by Peter Kramer. It's not without flaws, but its basically a book about the very question you've posed here (not the 'is this ethical?' cover question, the more basic question of whether or not this new woman is worth leaving your current relationship for). I won't spoil it by answering the question here, but if you're wrestling with this, you could do worse than reading the book.
posted by OmieWise at 5:45 AM on May 18, 2011


You urged us not to mince words ... so I won't mince words.

I think you are deluded. This is betrayed by your question's tone, which is off-putting and suggests a repellent narcissism. There is a disconnect between your high regard for your percipience and discrimination and rationality, and your actual cluelessness about how to conduct yourself in a relationship. Your question has a chirpy, sing-song, self-congratulatory tone that is more appropriate to someone reviewing the ups and downs of their long life in a dispatch to their college alumni newsletter --

.... Happily, I am at peace with that....
.... current partner has been a tremendous supporter ....
.... I would of course feel sadness ....
.... As the calendar ticks over, I am working on seeing shades of grey ....


It really seems as though you are skipping along through life, relishing the delightful plethora of opportunities and choices that present themselves, congratulating yourself on your general excellence and intelligence, and regarding yourself as a beneficent, god-like presence in the lives of the people around you. This line really struck me:

I want everybody to be happy and in the right place.

That's delusional thinking. You want YOURSELF to be in the right place. Don't try to depict your looking to trade up from your current partner as if you were just serving as a usher or concierge trying to make sure everyone is comfortable and properly situated.

Maybe your question is not an accurate depiction of how you are, but you come across as narcissistic and self-deluding.
posted by jayder at 6:30 AM on May 18, 2011 [11 favorites]


I think you presume a lot about how you would feel were the situation reversed. It's easy to be cold and logical about these things hypothetically, but if I were in a situation where marriage and babies were being discussed, and my partner told me what you were telling me, I'd find it hard to see it as the potential opening up of a vista of amazing opportunities. I wonder if you're telling yourself that this is how you would feel a) to make you feel more comfortable b) to make you feel like you're more of the grown-up and more adult about this c) because, as others have said, this relationship is just filling in time for you.
posted by mippy at 7:02 AM on May 18, 2011


If I was your "crush," I'd be pretty skeeved out if I knew about your plans for her. Just because YOU feel a connection doesn't mean she did. And unless she actually SAID something concrete to lead you to believe you've made this connection, you're just projecting.

Ever stop to think that maybe she was more open and comfortable with you because you're both in relationships, and she was under the impression she didn't have to worry about this bullshit with you?

Because - oh right! - she IS IN A RELATIONSHIP. If I found out you were vetting me as a potential partner (while stringing along your own girlfriend of a couple years) while pretending to be my friend I would be so completely grossed out. Are you gonna hang out with her boyfriend too? I mean, you're going to just be 'friends' so why not couple dates? You gonna get all chummy with the guy you hope to steal a girlfriend away from?

And even if I DID feel sparks I'd stay the hell away from you. I would assume that in another two years, you would toss me over for yet the next woman. Because obviously you don't respect your partners or other peoples' committed relationships.

Gross. Just so slimy and gross. That is, if you go through with this. As you said, thoughts don't equal actions. So hopefully you stop where you are right now and don't actively engage in something that as a thought is ill-advised, but in action will make you a creep.
posted by Windigo at 8:12 AM on May 18, 2011 [4 favorites]


I'm trying to find a generous reading of this and I just don't think you can.

You are in a relationship that has current expectations about fidelity and your exclusivity. You can certainly take the attitude that you're not married and are only not starting to discuss the possibility of taking that step. But you presumably have some mutual understanding of commitment.

To me, reading your description, you want to know if you can start spending time with someone with the purpose of determining whether they might be someone you're prefer to be with. I'd call that dating.

Is there an expectation in your relationship that you not date other people? I imagine there is, so no, I don't see how you do this without breaking the terms of your deal, explicit or implicit.

You can good around with nebulous hair-splitting by claiming that you're going to keep it platonic for some period of time but that's just a style and pace of dating, not an appreciative difference. Never discussing it doesn't change what it is either.

But I'll break from the crowd here and say go, do it. Honor the letter of your deal and not the spirit and go spend some time with this person. You've clearly decided you really want to if you're writing questions about it on AskMe. Do your partner the justice of not half-assing this doubt the way you've apparently half-assed this commitment.

Because really, that's your issue here - not the temptation. We all deal with temptation. In almost every relationship there exists the possibility that someone who is way better suited to you will come along. But we make a decision about what our promises and binds and shared history and shared goals mean to us and we decide that we're not just existing in the right now. Your commitment to that either isn't high or you don't see the value there.

So go figure it out. You're obviously not willing to just decide that means your current deal isn't right so the next best thing you can do is take a somewhat sleazy step to determine whether you should walk away. You're risking hurting your partner in doing it but personally, were I them, I'd rather you figured it out now than years down the road. At least it's just hurtful and deceitful rather than adding time-wasting.
posted by phearlez at 12:51 PM on May 18, 2011


Reading this reminded me a lot of the epic banjo thread, the conversation in which essentially went:

Querent: Would it be a grand gesture to send my ex-girlfriend the anonymous gift of a banjo?

Everyone: No! It would be creepy.

Querent: OK. How about this other girl I know? Can I give her an anonymous banjo?

Everyone: No! It would be at best confusing and at worst terrifying.

Querent: I guess I just believe in spontaneity and romance in a world which doesn't understand spontaneity and romance.

Everyone: No! You just have a thing about giving women banjos. Control your banjo desires!


In his case, he saw his banjo desires as signifying a more romantic soul than the common man. From the pseudo-therapy language about places, outputs and processes, one might speculate that you are marketing your planned actions as a sign of a more rational and evolved outlook on relationships. This would be a mistake.

But, to answer your questions:

The question is has anyone been in a situation where they have pursued a platonic friendship with low-intensity to see what would happen?

If what you mean by this is "has anyone befriended someone that they are sexually attracted to, despite being in a relationship", then yes. Lots of people have. However, what you are describing is not a platonic friendship - it's the preamble to a romantic advance masquerading as a platonic friendship.

Am I deluding myself here or am I onto something?

You're probably deluding yourself if you think that you can under the aegis of friendship persuade a woman to choose you over her partner and having done so extract yourself from your relationship with your partner without "deceit or malice". You are also probably deluding yourself about the likelihood that your feelings of attraction are reciprocated, or reciprocated strongly enough to make the scenario you have imagined possible. You are not deluding yourself about the existence of different possible levels of relationship and commitment, but your vision of your future remains based on a binary model of yes/no, no/yes or no/no - (current partner, new partner, back to single) - so this is not hugely relevant.

So, as acidic said very early on, the answer to:

Can you honour your current partner and explore a potential relationship with someone new without being deceitful?

Is yes, if you tell them that you are interested in someone else and that you want to explore the possibilities of that relationship while continuing to go steady with them, and tell the potential relationship target that you would like to be considered as a possible partner. That might lead to a more open relationship, or it might lead to a forceful clarification of your options. If you're extra scrupulous, you should also make sure the other woman's partner is also up to date on your plans for his or her girlfriend.

If I were you, I would forget about the other woman, and focus on your non-imaginary relationship. If you have any serious desire to honor your partner, start by telling her that you aren't sure you see the two of you together in six months, and try to have an honest conversation about why, and what that means for the possibilities of marriage or children, rather than nodding along to those conversations while asking the Internet about whether it's OK to tee up a new relationship.
posted by running order squabble fest at 3:16 PM on May 18, 2011 [6 favorites]


Another thing... even if you aren't imagining things and your new crush is interested, how do you know she'll cooperate on your timetable? One goal (non-action) would seem to clash with another (non-deceit) here. I don't see how you're going to keep her interest for six months without getting friend-zoned, unless you a) come right out and tell her, which is action that risks backfiring on you, or b) try to build her attraction to you under cover of friendship, which is both action and deceit (and is more risky than you probably realize)? Or are you just assuming that to know you is to love you and simply being friends with her will be enough, such that six months from now you'll be able to knock on her door and announce "congratulations! You are the lucky winner!" and she will just hop into your arms? What if you try a) or b) and she is up for it, but is ready to go in five months or seven months instead of six? What if she's ready to chuck in her partner now and doesn't want to wait around? What if she's available, but only for a bit on the side?

It bears repeating that this is all about you as the prime mover and the relationships you have because you decide to have them. With that underlying assumption, asking how you can make this decision "without deceit or malice" is beside the point. It's not even about deceit, it's about your partner thinking she is in a relationship with you when in reality she only has the illusion of one - not even because you're sniffing around for other partners, but because you are talking about her in nonhuman terms. You talk as if she were a chess-piece who can make any of a number of possible moves ("if she [...] found she needed to go another direction, I wouldn't be able to find fault") or a character in a screenplay ("explored her feelings whilst honouring mine"). Although you don't talk in terms of rigid outcomes, it's revealing that you put it in terms of "seeing what happens" instead of "seeing how we/she/they/I feel".

If I didn't know better, I'd suspect this post was written by my own That Guy in order to elicit ways of polishing his act enough to re-approach me and get a favourable reaction this time around. Seriously, this is exactly the kind of labyrinthine, circuitous thing he would do, and it is wayyy far into the realm of teh crazy, which is where this kind of thing tends to lead. I assume you're not in fact my ex-That Guy, so do everybody a favour and don't turn into him. It's unhealthy for everyone who comes into contact with it.
posted by tel3path at 2:36 AM on May 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


« Older Sparkles   |   Pictures. People. Time. Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.