Mrs. Betty Draper

April 25, 2011 12:16 PM

What do I need to be a good corporate wife?

My SO is in the process of taking a corporate position that will require a few nights a week of us attending benefits and performances in connection with his job. While I don't think I'll have any issues behaving like a corporate wife in public, I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing. I'm a very jeans-and-t's girl, with some Old Navy dresses in the summer in my wardrobe. I own a few fancy dresses from ModCloth, but no business suits.

What do I need to know to fit into this world? (We're in NYC). Also, my SO and I are not technically married, but thinks it might be better if we use the word wife. Will this be an issue if I'm not wearing a ring?

Also, I don't need to drink to fit in, right? I do drink, but since I'll now be running in the morning (5am) instead of at night (when these events are), alcohol is going to be relegated to non-race weekends only.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (34 answers total)

I think you're better off not claiming to be married if you're not. Unless he's working for a very religious organization, no one is going to care if you're married.

You need nice clothing appropriate to the events (no one expects you to wear a suit, but you should look clean, groomed, and to be honest, unmemorable), some sort of knowledge and interest in what the company does and something about the organizations whose benefits you'll be attending.

Be pleasant, brush up on small talk, smile a lot, and don't expect anyone to notice you or remember you from one evening to the next. You're a feature, not a bug.

Corporate spouses aren't Stepford spouses.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:25 PM on April 25, 2011 [7 favorites]

If you are not married, do not lead people to believe you are married. These little white lies have a way of coming back to haunt you or at least make for some uncomfortable moments in the future.
posted by chicxulub at 12:25 PM on April 25, 2011 [6 favorites]

my SO and I are not technically married, but thinks it might be better if we use the word wife. Will this be an issue if I'm not wearing a ring?

It will be an issue if you are not married.

Also, I don't need to drink to fit in, right? I do drink, but since I'll now be running in the morning (5am) instead of at night (when these events are), alcohol is going to be relegated to non-race weekends only.

I don't know if you'll need to drink to fit in. But if you do, there have been many threads about how to deal with social situations where most people are drinking and you'd rather not drink.
posted by John Cohen at 12:28 PM on April 25, 2011

I don't need to drink to fit in, right?

No, not at all, it's very common. You can drink seltzer with lime or lemon, which seems to be the default. And if people kid you about not drinking, you can either claim you're watching your weight, or you can just talk about your running reasons which would help people find something to chat with you about.

This could be a big cultural shift - in my current job i had to start attending development functions like this and it's pretty different from the natural way I behave. You'll want to perfect some small-talk topics - travel, seasonal activities, family, major events - anything that's sort of generically interesting but not overtly political or religion-related. Work out with your partner how you want to be introduced and practice, even, so you can rely on having his introduction when you meet a new bunch of people. You can also read up on how to enter a group conversation, since there is a protocol to this that people notice. One of your 'staff' functions is to help conversation be non-awkward. Ask people a lot of questions since, invariably, people like to talk about themselves. Also, be knowledgeable about your husband's job, background, and interests so you can talk in a generic way about him and generally be a good part of the cheerleading team for him and his support for, and value to, the company.

You'll definitely want some good outfits so you can feel comfortable. Little black dresses are great because they can be accessorized in thousands of ways. A couple dresses that come to just above the knee, in long-sleeved and sleeveless and maybe 3/4 versions, can be rotated to do a lot of work for you. Buy a few really good ones and then change the jackets, scarves, earrings, stockings, and shoes for flair.
posted by Miko at 12:30 PM on April 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

3rding don't lie about being married. Keeping track of who thinks you are married and who knows you aren't will get complicated very fast. If it's that important for him to have a corporate wife he can marry you :) There is basically 3 outcomes from these things.

People think you are a bore or a lout - bad
People don't remember you at all - good
People think you are awesome - good.

So the odds are on your side. When in doubt, just ask the other person about what they do, or how they are connected to the organization. If it's one thing the charity ball / event crowd likes to do, it is talk about themselves. They'll spend the whole night talking about how awesome they are, and they'll go home thinking you are a great conversationalist. It's Dale Carnegie 101. You, OTOH, may need a stiff drink after the event :)
posted by COD at 12:30 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

You don't need to drink; if people ask, just tell them you are running in the morning, I can't imagine anyone giving you flack for that, unless it was some kind of special toasting situation, in which case, take a sip and nurse the rest.

I think that if you're worried about fitting in clothing wise, your best bet is to spend money on accessories. If your clothes and dresses are well fitting and clean, that's fine - get some good fake pearls/good fake studs/expensive shoes and purses. But I wouldn't really worry.

Don't lie about being married.

Smile a lot, have a good handshake, have a decent answer for "what do you do", know what your husband does, don't speak about religion or politics or other debate-type issues unless you have some clear indication that the debate isn't going to turn ugly, and don't opine on things you don't have any reason to know about, especially if they have anything to do with the company or business your husband is in. But, in my experience, don't be mousy or uninteresting or try to be forgettable. (You might end up forgotten anyway, but I don't think you help your spouse out by attempting to be forgettable. Not that you want to draw attention to yourself, either).

Also, to be a big asset to your not-husband, try to be good at remembering people's names, and one thing about them. If you husband is talking to someone you don't know, introduce yourself so that the person feels obligated to say their name - this will help your husband out if he has already met someone and isn't sure what their name is. And learn to mingle with people easily so your husband doesn't have to hang close to you.
posted by dpx.mfx at 12:31 PM on April 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

This question is a little odd to me -- this isn't Mad Men. Don't lie about being married,definitely (especially in NYC, where outside of certain religious or cultural situations it doesn't matter a whit). As far as drinking, it shouldn't matter, but if you're worried about feeling out of place, have a club soda with a twist of lime. Everyone will think you're nursing a vodka tonic ( but don't like if they ask) and it'll be fine.
posted by sweetkid at 12:34 PM on April 25, 2011

Don't be dull.

Don't be drunk.

Don't be rude or outrageous.

Try and remember the names of most people you meet. If you can't do that, remember the names of the obviously important people you meet.

There really isn't a sigle profile of what to be like. Gods knows, you'll meet some desperately dull,, rude or druk people in your time, sometimes all in one winning package. Just don't be one of those people.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:37 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

Unless your SO wants to establish himself as a liar in his new corporate environment, no, you should not tell people you are married. If it's that important to introduce you as his wife, you two should just get married.
posted by sageleaf at 12:38 PM on April 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

Don't lie about be married. Don't worry about the drinking culture. Really.

I don't have too much experience as a corporate wife, but I am from Manhattan. My advice?

Prepare to invest in new clothes for these specific events. You will feel SO MUCH more at ease if you look great. And by "great" I mean super fashionable and on point for this particular group setting. Don't overdue it and buy stuff you aren't comfortable in! Also, don't buy a lot at once. But yeah, looking the part (whatever that means, and you'll know what the right "look" is after the first event) will be 95% of the battle.

Plus. Looking great is just so much more fun.
posted by jbenben at 12:41 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

Regarding the outfits, it might be a good opportunity to go use a Nordstrom personal shopper to get one or two staples -- like an LBD or two -- and start figuring out how to deal with events where you'll need something a little more specific or special.
posted by olinerd at 12:46 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

The fact that you're asking this question means you're mostly there. A bonus is that you have a hobby that most people find interesting and at least a couple of people at the event will share. You are almost guaranteed to do better than 90% of the crowd.

You can say "partner" instead of wife.
posted by moammargaret at 1:02 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

re: clothing: I'd point out that Michelle Obama wears a lot of Old Navy, Gap, and J.Crew. The Nordstrom's suggestion is also a good one.

Get shoes that are comfortable. I can't stress this enough. Nothing will make you crabby faster than needing to be at a cocktail party and having your feet hurt.

I have to attend a lot of development events, and you're getting a lot of good info here about small talk. No one will care what you're drinking. Be sure to eat before you attend the event, even if that means you're having your big meal of the day at 4 pm or so. Don't lie about being married. I always find it helpful to glance over the NYT and one other national publication (like Newsweek - something very mainstream) in order to have a good grasp on MSM issues other attendees might be discussing as small talk that I would otherwise have no idea about. Get really good at asking people questions about themselves, and remembering names (this is a skill that takes practice). Its always great to say "Oh, yes, we met at [thing] last year, didn't we? How is your daughter?"
posted by anastasiav at 1:04 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

1. Know what your husband/boyfriend does. Have a 30 second explanation of what it is and a 30 second explanation of why it is important to the company. You do not need to be an expert in what he does, but you have the ability to work the PR rounds with him and the ability to make him look good while you do it.

2. Learn who his boss is, as well as any immediate co-workers and direct reports are. You do not need to know who everyone is right away, but you should be making an effort to meet those people and to learn about them. Over time, learn a 30 second synopsis of what they do and how your husband works with them. Parrot what they do to them for clarification and to let them talk about themselves if they are inclined to do so.

3. Similarly to what you know about your husband, have a 30 second explanation of what you do and what your future plans are. Leverage this to talk about your husband’s outside-of-work interests. Use this as a way to ask people about their interests. Learn their interests.

4. You race? Excellent. Many people will gladly talk about their fitness and health listen to their theories... Your husband's work is not the time to dole out advice like it is AskMetafilter - even if it is solicited (unless it is your job - then it is appropriate to give them your card discretely)

5. Always have a drink or food. Pace yourself. It does not need to be alcoholic, but it prevents anyone from offering/insisting on getting you one other than your husband. Give your husband the opportunity to look good by getting you drinks. Always take the time that he disappears to do so by saying a nice thing about him being thoughtful. He should not be getting you loaded, nor sending you to the bathroom every thirty minutes – in that case, you will either be constantly not working the floor or sounding like a shameless promoter (which, you want to be – just you don’t want to sound like one).
posted by Nanukthedog at 1:07 PM on April 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

San Pelligrino with a splash of cranberry and a lime wedge in a martini glass: No one will ever know the difference.

You can't go wrong with simple, classic lined dresses and neutral/tasteful colors. Go timeless, not trendy. Remember your manners and just be yourself.
posted by floweredfish at 1:09 PM on April 25, 2011

anastasiav has a point with "How is your daughter?"

As much as it seems bizarre in this day and age, between you and your husband it will be expected that you care more about and remember more of the "family" type of information about his boss / coworkers etc. "Boyfriend tells me you just got married on an island! Amazing!" "Boyfriend tells me you coach your son's hockey team!"

So make sure your partner helps you. If he expects you to come to these events with these people, he needs to share some of those personal bulletpoints about them with you so you have someplace to start. He can do that while he's introducing you or beforehand, but he needs to know that it's important for you to not be totally clueless about everyone and to do what he can to supply you with the pertinent facts. Not "this is my coworker who's having an affair" or whatever. More like "this is the guy who likes foreign films / golfing all the time / just had twins."

You will also find that part of your role is talking to the other spouses / partners, which to me is less stressful, more fun, and the perfect place to find out where to get the right outfit for your next event or where to go out to dinner in the city or whatever. Light stuff.
posted by sestaaak at 1:14 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Don't lie.
Be versed in the company and your SO's job.
Be his supporter in public and his champion in private.
Don't make assumptions about whom you are speaking with. Sometimes the boss of bosses looks very unlike what you may think.
No worries about drinking.
Dress up a little, get help if you need it, go to the first event and get a sense of how they approach fashion.
Be polite and interested in people, but not overly friendly. If you are on the path to making a friend, great, but go slow with the sharing.
Have a sense of humor.
Have a pleasant time, "fun" would be a bonus. This is work.
Practice the art of diplomacy at all times.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:19 PM on April 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

Being a good, interesting person and being good at being a corporate wife are two different things, depending on the organization and depending how "professionally" you take that role.

As a corporate wife, you are a reflection of him, not yourself, which makes it a weird, weird thing.

As an extreme example, I have a friend who is a doll--fun, outspoken, loud. But in her role as a corporate wife, she seems to be playing a role.

She always asks me, "I look like the trophy wife in this, right?" She dresses to be uncontroversially attractive, but forgettable. No bold colors, no bold clevage.

She knows the politics of the office, but never brings them up. She makes small talk with advantageous folks or her husband's coworkers that could cause issues or conflicts at work. She goes out of her way to be friendly, but not pushy, with his superiors' wives. She volunteers at the charities the other wives are on the board of, even if the cause is spurious at best.

She has a super friendly relationship with her husband's assistant--knows her kids names, sends her flowers on her birthday (this I believe she does because she genuinely likes her). She hosts barbeques for his direct reports at her house. She attends showers (marriage and baby) for all female employees or wives of employees and always buys something at their terrible candle/Pampered Chef/whatever parties.

However, she finds the whole thing quite draining, she snarks about it heavily with me and this is her career--raising children, keeping a clean house and being corporate arm candy. She's playing a very Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde game. I hear her contemplate plastic surgery to keep up with the wife #2s and #3s in a way that makes me worry about her. And, watching her, I never could do it.

So, you're going to have to find your own balance. You're never going to "just be yourself" in that setting unless you thrive on that sort of thing or all the other spouses are pretty loose, but going all the way to Betty Draper is, as fiction and reality show, a pretty crappy gig for a woman with a brain. Pick up the pieces you like, drop the pieces you don't and long as you remember it isn't about you, you'll be fine.

Good luck.
posted by Gucky at 1:26 PM on April 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

Also, my SO and I are not technically married, but thinks it might be better if we use the word wife.

What about fiancée instead? People might start to ask you about the wedding, though.
posted by clearlydemon at 1:27 PM on April 25, 2011

My parents are both corporate executives. In addition to the types of things described above, they also always remember dates of important events in others' lives and send flowers, bottles of wine, etc. where appropriate. My mother in particular names Jackie O as a great role model for that type of lifestyle; if you sent a gift to Jackie, you'd get a handwritten thank you note literally the very next day.
posted by lhall at 1:31 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

"This is my partner" works better than lying about being married or "girlfriend/boyfriend" in a serious setting.
posted by rmd1023 at 1:41 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Don't lie - while I've never been in those high-level circles myself, it will doubtless come back to haunt you. And, well - I don't know what the NY state law is - where I am, if you have lived together for 6 months or more, you are technically in a "common-law" marital situation - but as marriage is very often tied to religion, there is a class difference between "technically" married and "married"...

My semi-related personal story is that I once accepted a job, and the start date was a day after my wedding. I hadn't planned on having a wedding when I went for the interview 3 months prior, so... (We were not going on a honeymoon immediately anyways) It felt awkward to try and postpone the start-date, while at the same time saying that the marriage was a "whirlwind" event. (It was only my 2nd "real" job and I was pretty insecure)

No horrible outcome, but a year later when I took the day off, I got lots of "ribbing" and grief.

Remember names, job titles/functions and family members - this WILL help his career.
posted by jkaczor at 1:43 PM on April 25, 2011

I am terribly inept at this sort of thing and I found examples like How to Work a Room (pdf) sort of useful. You can google that same term and find some other examples. I also agree to get shoes that fit and, if possible, some outfit or two that you really like. I have a pair of dress pants that look awesome on me and where I used to dread getting dressed up to give talks or whatever, now I'm sort of psyched because "hey, cool pants!" Same thing for jewelry or other accessories, get a few that you don't just tolerate but that you actively like, this will make you more confident and happy in these situations. And yes, you don't need to drink. The good news is, if you're female, people will assume if you're demurring that you're pregnant, so it's pretty easy to beg off.
posted by jessamyn at 2:08 PM on April 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

There are positive and negative examples in this AskMe thread about a dinner party and a ruined cashmere shawl. I'll let you work out which is which.
posted by clockwork at 2:17 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

In my experience, people in business are either really into exercise (especially running) or wish they were and are oddly fascinated by athletes, so that will be an easy conversation topic.
posted by oinopaponton at 2:26 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Re drinking at corporate events in NYC: I have been to lots of these evens, and, frankly, no one cares if you don't drink. What people do care about is if you drink too much and make an ass of yourself.
posted by dfriedman at 2:31 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Related tip: I know a lot of women who've found extremely nice, mint-condition dresses, skirts, pants, etc., in thrift stores so you might be able to save some serious money on the required attire.

In my experience with these things, most people at these things do a bit of the requisite schmoozing, tend to meet people they like and end up spending a good bit with them. I'm sure it can happen, but I've never seen or heard of someone (whose spouse/partner isn't a trainwreck) causing problems for the corporate-employed person.
posted by ambient2 at 2:39 PM on April 25, 2011

Nthing don't present yourself as married if you're not. I've attended more corporate functions than I could begin to count since the late 1970s, and even back then I met many executives who introduced their partner as "my lady friend" or "my gentleman friend" or even simply "my very good friend." (Even though it happened in 1979, I still remember a mixer in a hospitality suite at the NMTBA Tool Show in Chicago when I was chatting with a 50-something purchasing department vice president and after 10 minutes or so a younger woman (Jana) joined us. I saw by her nametag that she worked at the same company as VP. As I introduced myself and extended my hand the VP - for reasons unbeknownst, other than perhaps to display his "hipness" - blurted out "Jana and I live together." I think that qualifies as unnecessary sharing of info at a corporate function. If you meet folks at a function without your partner at your side, just say that "I'm here with Partner" by way of introduction.

Hopefully Partner will brief you sufficiently before any event as to who you might meet and how they fit into the corporate structure. That will give you the opporunity to focus the conversation on that person when you meet him/her: "Oh, Partner has mentioned you several times - your wife just had a baby!" or "I've heard about you - Partner told me that you're the only other vegetarian in the department!" Ask a lot of questions when you meet new people - where are they from, how was the traffic on the way in, do they have kids, etc. Folks love to talk about themselves, and that takes the pressure off of you - all you have to do is look fascinated by their conversation.
posted by Oriole Adams at 3:05 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

My wifes father is a lawyer and does a lot of stuff. Just have manners and dress appropriately. Do not act fake . Be yourself. Just do not lie about being married. You will be surprised how many bussiness men and lawyers are divorced now.

Just be your self. Just make sure you have manners and thats it. No acting like somebody you are not .

:)
posted by majortom1981 at 3:36 PM on April 25, 2011

I've been to a lot of parties and dinners etc. I don't remember a thing about what other people drank or didn't drink unless they had way too much of it.

If it were me, I'd get one LBD that could easily be dressed up or down for the first function, see what everyone else is wearing, and go from there. Different corporations can have different cultures and expectations.

And definitely don't present yourself as married if you're not. Unless your husband's new job is minister at an evangelical church in Queens, I can't imagine that would be necessary.
posted by bunderful at 3:37 PM on April 25, 2011

I didn't read all of the responses, so someone else may have said this already... but I think introducing each other as your partners generally implies that it's more serious than dating (ie. than saying my girlfriend) and people likely won't further question if you're married or not.

As for dressing the part, I'd go to a fancier shop and buy a few outfits that you will feel confident in when you go to these events. Perhaps a nice pair of dress pants and a few nice blouses and maybe a nice women's suit jacket type. Nothing super super formal but with a nice pair of dress pants you can dress them up or down depending on the event.

I don't drink and people often offer me drinks and I'll just ask for a glass of water and then they'll ask me again because drinkers love company, but then they leave me alone and get me a glass of water. I don't think it matters if you don't drink at all.
posted by DorothySmith at 5:02 PM on April 25, 2011

Brilliant, tell people you're married. Then when you invite them all to the wedding two years later, everyone will think you're both morons.

Don't tell people you're married. You're not. You're setting yourself up to keep living a lie for the next decade or two.
posted by Brian Puccio at 9:13 PM on April 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

I understand that girlfriend sounds immature (oh, new employee is so young!) and temporary, sounds like there's no reason for people to even try to remember your name since Mr. is likely to have a different girl on his arm next week.
But you're not his wife. Lying is bad. At some point your status will change, and he will have to start making up stories about why you're suddenly wearing a ring, or why your small-talk is suddenly all about wedding-planning, or why you're not around anymore and yet he doesn't need to talk to that great divorce lawyer they know, etc. Lying means more lying. Unless this is all part of the great adventure and you're going to be doing everything so "in character" and fake Stepford personality that this is just one more detail in a giant house of cards that you're prepared to watch crumble, don't do it.
If you want a classy sounding word that isn't "girlfriend", consider "fiancee" - it implies permanence/importantance and yet flexibility (you don't have to have a ring, you don't have to have a wedding date, yet you're still "taking it seriously"). Consider actually getting engaged, so that you don't accidentally freak your mom out. If you don't want to be engaged, then you'd better stick with girlfriend.
posted by aimedwander at 7:24 AM on April 26, 2011

"Fiancee" is exactly what my boyfriend and I do (he's in politics, but behind the scenes). People ask about a wedding date and I just laugh and say we've been engaged for five years so who knows? and no one's ever done anything other than laugh and say they understand. For us it was something the grandparents could understand without us actually getting married, exactly as aimedwander describes it.

Just wanted to chime in on that - as for the rest, I got nothin' new.
posted by dust.wind.dude at 8:56 AM on April 26, 2011