Keep deactivating facebook account, how do I make useful?
April 23, 2011 11:10 PM Subscribe
I keep deactivating my Facebook account, but I think it can be of use to me. How can I make it useful, especially while in a quarterlife crisis?
Hard to boil this down. I deactivated my account around new year's (vowing I would return when my life got more in order) and didn't restart it until early April or so. But whenever I go back on, I start to get depressed and such, just being reminded of how screwy my life is. Seeing that most of my friends have moved away, gotten married, have decent careers, while I have underachieved in my post-undergrad years, been underemployed, haven't made many new friends. that sort of thing. Several times this month, I have reactivated, and deactivated the account within an hour.
I do have an internet addiction, and have suffered from depression in the past. But I don't want to be completely isolated from everyone. I think Facebook can be a useful tool to reconnect and enhance friendships. I'm not sure how to find a balance or way to use the site at this point with how screwy my life is.
And I would appreciate if the answers would be just about facebook. I have a lot of issues/hang-ups going on right now, and I'm sure this is just scratching the surface.
Hard to boil this down. I deactivated my account around new year's (vowing I would return when my life got more in order) and didn't restart it until early April or so. But whenever I go back on, I start to get depressed and such, just being reminded of how screwy my life is. Seeing that most of my friends have moved away, gotten married, have decent careers, while I have underachieved in my post-undergrad years, been underemployed, haven't made many new friends. that sort of thing. Several times this month, I have reactivated, and deactivated the account within an hour.
I do have an internet addiction, and have suffered from depression in the past. But I don't want to be completely isolated from everyone. I think Facebook can be a useful tool to reconnect and enhance friendships. I'm not sure how to find a balance or way to use the site at this point with how screwy my life is.
And I would appreciate if the answers would be just about facebook. I have a lot of issues/hang-ups going on right now, and I'm sure this is just scratching the surface.
Also, "FOMO [fear of missing out] and Social Media".
My feeling is, leave it up for people to contact you, should they wish -- this is actually a very useful way to give people access to you as you move around from school to home to new city, etc. Otherwise, don't log on just to casually browse.
posted by lhall at 11:20 PM on April 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
My feeling is, leave it up for people to contact you, should they wish -- this is actually a very useful way to give people access to you as you move around from school to home to new city, etc. Otherwise, don't log on just to casually browse.
posted by lhall at 11:20 PM on April 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
Read the above articles, definitely.
To start making use of it the way you think is possible, what if you embarked on a project that required you to:
1) talk about your intentions to complete something
2) produce follow-up posts discussing your progress
3) publish evidence of your efforts (people LOVE pictures, if you pick something that it's possible to photograph as it takes shape)
4) make celebratory posts when you hit a milestone
...and otherwise commit your time to that project (and the rest of your life) so that you're only on when you have something to say about this ongoing achievement?
That way, you could have the cake of interaction and eat it, too, because you're accomplishing something you want to do for yourself in the real world. And you could go back to review your progress to give yourself boosts when you need them.
You can also take control of your interaction with the medium by giving yourself one or more scheduled activities that invite others to participate and happen regularly. I don't mean events - although, that would be a great step when you're ready for it - but things like "lunchtime trivia", "Wednesday night question", "weekend video set"...just pick a day and time when you can reliably be on and have fun. To keep yourself from feeling pressured or tempted to blow it off, only use an idea that you can think of a few iterations ahead on ("I can do a set of zydeco this weekend, waltzes the next, and ska right on time for So-and-so's birthday").
Write down the ideas you have and just follow your new, easy, scheduled interaction plan, adding to it whenever you like.
Do stuff that showcases your interests and talents. It'll help boost your confidence and provide solid examples of value.
Just don't go overboard and have an activity or output for every hour of every day. Maybe three things, tops, until you've got it rolling and can be reliable.
posted by batmonkey at 2:15 AM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
To start making use of it the way you think is possible, what if you embarked on a project that required you to:
1) talk about your intentions to complete something
2) produce follow-up posts discussing your progress
3) publish evidence of your efforts (people LOVE pictures, if you pick something that it's possible to photograph as it takes shape)
4) make celebratory posts when you hit a milestone
...and otherwise commit your time to that project (and the rest of your life) so that you're only on when you have something to say about this ongoing achievement?
That way, you could have the cake of interaction and eat it, too, because you're accomplishing something you want to do for yourself in the real world. And you could go back to review your progress to give yourself boosts when you need them.
You can also take control of your interaction with the medium by giving yourself one or more scheduled activities that invite others to participate and happen regularly. I don't mean events - although, that would be a great step when you're ready for it - but things like "lunchtime trivia", "Wednesday night question", "weekend video set"...just pick a day and time when you can reliably be on and have fun. To keep yourself from feeling pressured or tempted to blow it off, only use an idea that you can think of a few iterations ahead on ("I can do a set of zydeco this weekend, waltzes the next, and ska right on time for So-and-so's birthday").
Write down the ideas you have and just follow your new, easy, scheduled interaction plan, adding to it whenever you like.
Do stuff that showcases your interests and talents. It'll help boost your confidence and provide solid examples of value.
Just don't go overboard and have an activity or output for every hour of every day. Maybe three things, tops, until you've got it rolling and can be reliable.
posted by batmonkey at 2:15 AM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
* "when my life got more in order"
* "I start to get depressed and such, just being reminded of how screwy my life is"
I don't think the problem here is Facebook. I think the problem is your self-perception of yourself as not having your act together or being less successful than your peers. Facebook is contributing to that, but it's not the cause.
If the problem is that looking at Facebook makes you compare yourself to others, then:
1) Yes, stop looking at Facebook
2) Look at Facebook, but when you feel yourself beginning to compare yourself to somebody else, stop, breath, and remind yourself that it's not fair to judge your life based on somebody else's less-than-a-sentence status update. They're probably going through the same crap you are. And, if it helps, get off Facebook.
But big picture: stop comparing yourself to other people. Their status updates may make everything seem rosy, but they really don't have anything "figured out" more than you do.
And you may want to work on replacing your critical thought-patterns with something more positive and pro-active. You may want to look up "Cognitive Distortions" in the context of Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy. There's a canonical book about it called something like "Thinking Positive." Check out old AskMeFi posts. Talk to a therapist.
And, if it helps, focus on something you want to achieve - writing a novella, running 5k, whatever, and work on that. That will keep your brain busy so you won't be focusing so much on Facebook.
posted by audiodidactic at 6:29 AM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
* "I start to get depressed and such, just being reminded of how screwy my life is"
I don't think the problem here is Facebook. I think the problem is your self-perception of yourself as not having your act together or being less successful than your peers. Facebook is contributing to that, but it's not the cause.
If the problem is that looking at Facebook makes you compare yourself to others, then:
1) Yes, stop looking at Facebook
2) Look at Facebook, but when you feel yourself beginning to compare yourself to somebody else, stop, breath, and remind yourself that it's not fair to judge your life based on somebody else's less-than-a-sentence status update. They're probably going through the same crap you are. And, if it helps, get off Facebook.
But big picture: stop comparing yourself to other people. Their status updates may make everything seem rosy, but they really don't have anything "figured out" more than you do.
And you may want to work on replacing your critical thought-patterns with something more positive and pro-active. You may want to look up "Cognitive Distortions" in the context of Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy. There's a canonical book about it called something like "Thinking Positive." Check out old AskMeFi posts. Talk to a therapist.
And, if it helps, focus on something you want to achieve - writing a novella, running 5k, whatever, and work on that. That will keep your brain busy so you won't be focusing so much on Facebook.
posted by audiodidactic at 6:29 AM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
've had similar problems with Facebook in the past. I moved to London from my home town three years ago and it took a couple of years for me to get settled, make friends and feel at home here. I became really hooked on Facebook and when I was lonely I wanted to connect with my friends on it. But it actually made me feel quite disconnected from everyone - they had all moved away, or were having fun back at home, or were getting married - in short, they'd moved on and so had I. Increasingly, I'd look at Facebook and see all this detail on the lives of people I used to be very close to who were looking increasingly like strangers. Some people I hadn't seen for so long, it almost felt voyeuristic to see their photos posted each week. I'd have a pile of invites to events which were happening elsewhere and which I wasn't able to go to. I'd get really depressed and on one occasion it felt as if I had died and Facebook was a lens through which I could see the living carry on without me. Dark, huh?
I realised Facebook was never going to substitute for real social interactions with people - I wanted it to augment real, physical social relationships rather than replace them. I considered closing my account down. Instead I set up an additional account just for my new friends, people who were right here, in my life right now. I didn't really want to befriend them on the old account, because I didn't want to lay bare my past life to them immediately. It's personal, and equally screwed up (I had a pretty miserable twenties).
I still use the old account, but it's for people from my past, and for the places I've left behind. It's not to say I value one account more than the other, or that old friends won't come back into the foreground again one day, but each Facebook account has a different feel to it. When I'm in a more reflective mood I might log into the old one and see what everyone's been doing, but I'll log into the new one more often because it's more relevant to who I am now. It's got event invitations for things happening nearby, things I can actually go to - and I've seen everyone on my friends list in the last fortnight at least. It's interesting to read because I know the people well and I understand how they think better because I spend more time with them.
If I ever moved away from London I'd do the same again.
Another thing to remember is that everyone is always happy on Facebook! Which is nonsense. Nobody seems comfortable using Facebook to talk about the darker sides of their life. We all know it must go on, but I think it's important to remember that you're unlikely to ever see signs of it there. I'd dearly love to be able to log in to a sight called Failbook where all my friends boast of their failures, their most recent disastrous love affairs, their unfolding employment fiasco or their ongoing battle with depression. It would make far more interesting reading.
posted by gonogo at 6:57 AM on April 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
I realised Facebook was never going to substitute for real social interactions with people - I wanted it to augment real, physical social relationships rather than replace them. I considered closing my account down. Instead I set up an additional account just for my new friends, people who were right here, in my life right now. I didn't really want to befriend them on the old account, because I didn't want to lay bare my past life to them immediately. It's personal, and equally screwed up (I had a pretty miserable twenties).
I still use the old account, but it's for people from my past, and for the places I've left behind. It's not to say I value one account more than the other, or that old friends won't come back into the foreground again one day, but each Facebook account has a different feel to it. When I'm in a more reflective mood I might log into the old one and see what everyone's been doing, but I'll log into the new one more often because it's more relevant to who I am now. It's got event invitations for things happening nearby, things I can actually go to - and I've seen everyone on my friends list in the last fortnight at least. It's interesting to read because I know the people well and I understand how they think better because I spend more time with them.
If I ever moved away from London I'd do the same again.
Another thing to remember is that everyone is always happy on Facebook! Which is nonsense. Nobody seems comfortable using Facebook to talk about the darker sides of their life. We all know it must go on, but I think it's important to remember that you're unlikely to ever see signs of it there. I'd dearly love to be able to log in to a sight called Failbook where all my friends boast of their failures, their most recent disastrous love affairs, their unfolding employment fiasco or their ongoing battle with depression. It would make far more interesting reading.
posted by gonogo at 6:57 AM on April 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
The secret to Facebook is to only be friends with...people you're actually friends with. People you enjoy chatting with and who give a shit about you.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:03 AM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:03 AM on April 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
In addition to reading the articles mentioned above, edit your Facebook friends list to people who 1) you see in person at least once a year and 2) who you really enjoy and feel comfortable around.
posted by kellygreen at 7:18 AM on April 24, 2011
posted by kellygreen at 7:18 AM on April 24, 2011
Seeing that most of my friends have moved away, gotten married, have decent careers, while I have underachieved in my post-undergrad years, been underemployed, haven't made many new friends. that sort of thing.
Seconding Audiodidactic - Facebook isn't the issue, just a trigger for the issue.
What's your measurement of being a decent human being? Is it making money? Is it having produced offspring? Because there's a lot of terrible people who have done those things. But society pushes those values as markers of "success".
Facebook is really only a trigger for how you're feeling about yourself. We all want to be awesome and do amazing things, and growing up is choosing from a much more limited selection of amazing things that aren't famous or popular - figuring out how those things are great is when you get perspective on life.
Anyway in the short term, here's what you do- on Facebook, you can adjust your update feed, to not show any updates by a particular person, or all people. In which case, you don't have to see what they're all doing unless you go to their profile page. You can update on your own, and friends can still post on your Wall. So you're not disconnected, but you're not bombarded with other people's lives.
Post about what's awesome, things that are exciting, things you wish you could do. Tell others how much you care about them. You'll find other folks will bring that joy back to you or make suggestions on how to make things happen. (Short of toxic personalities, but those people you just block).
Don't worry about your success relative to other people- see where you're at and what could be better tomorrow, or in a month, realistically. Step by step you'll end up somewhere happier with your life.
posted by yeloson at 7:24 AM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seconding Audiodidactic - Facebook isn't the issue, just a trigger for the issue.
What's your measurement of being a decent human being? Is it making money? Is it having produced offspring? Because there's a lot of terrible people who have done those things. But society pushes those values as markers of "success".
Facebook is really only a trigger for how you're feeling about yourself. We all want to be awesome and do amazing things, and growing up is choosing from a much more limited selection of amazing things that aren't famous or popular - figuring out how those things are great is when you get perspective on life.
Anyway in the short term, here's what you do- on Facebook, you can adjust your update feed, to not show any updates by a particular person, or all people. In which case, you don't have to see what they're all doing unless you go to their profile page. You can update on your own, and friends can still post on your Wall. So you're not disconnected, but you're not bombarded with other people's lives.
Post about what's awesome, things that are exciting, things you wish you could do. Tell others how much you care about them. You'll find other folks will bring that joy back to you or make suggestions on how to make things happen. (Short of toxic personalities, but those people you just block).
Don't worry about your success relative to other people- see where you're at and what could be better tomorrow, or in a month, realistically. Step by step you'll end up somewhere happier with your life.
posted by yeloson at 7:24 AM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm always in a general quarterlife crisis, comparing myself to other people mode but Facebook actually helps that. Besides giving me a general social 'buzz' I can log on on Saturday night and see that other people are staying home and I shouldn't feel guilty. Or I can say 'oh, I'm being too geeky lately' and find out a DJ friend is on his second playthrough of Portal 2. Plus, 'Likes' are a cheap source of self-esteem.
On a more concrete level, I've found that one way to help depression is to get out of the house and interact with people. Facebook keeps me updated with parties and gigs and people just hanging out, so it's a great spur to get me to leave the house. I've had trouble with Internet addiction before, but Facebook dosen't seem to tie into that - I see it as an OVERLAY to my life.
Another thing to remember is that everyone is always happy on Facebook! Which is nonsense. Nobody seems comfortable using Facebook to talk about the darker sides of their life. We all know it must go on, but I think it's important to remember that you're unlikely to ever see signs of it there. I'd dearly love to be able to log in to a sight called Failbook where all my friends boast of their failures, their most recent disastrous love affairs, their unfolding employment fiasco or their ongoing battle with depression. It would make far more interesting reading.
Failbook exists, but it's a general 'look at that funny FB status' site.
I've found that by making my Facebook posts happier I feel happier, if that makes sense. Kinda a 'fake it till you make' it approach. The Facebook version of me is always checking in to fun places and having adventures, so I can't be all bad.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:13 AM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
On a more concrete level, I've found that one way to help depression is to get out of the house and interact with people. Facebook keeps me updated with parties and gigs and people just hanging out, so it's a great spur to get me to leave the house. I've had trouble with Internet addiction before, but Facebook dosen't seem to tie into that - I see it as an OVERLAY to my life.
Another thing to remember is that everyone is always happy on Facebook! Which is nonsense. Nobody seems comfortable using Facebook to talk about the darker sides of their life. We all know it must go on, but I think it's important to remember that you're unlikely to ever see signs of it there. I'd dearly love to be able to log in to a sight called Failbook where all my friends boast of their failures, their most recent disastrous love affairs, their unfolding employment fiasco or their ongoing battle with depression. It would make far more interesting reading.
Failbook exists, but it's a general 'look at that funny FB status' site.
I've found that by making my Facebook posts happier I feel happier, if that makes sense. Kinda a 'fake it till you make' it approach. The Facebook version of me is always checking in to fun places and having adventures, so I can't be all bad.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:13 AM on April 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
There is something incredibly depressing about seeing a list of all these ancient acquaintances I haven't talked to in years, along with their amazingly exciting terrifying dangerous lucrative lives. At this point I just have a completely blank profile and forward FB updates to an email address I check every couple of weeks. A couple times a year I get an interesting message from an old friend or an invitation to something I actually care about, but mostly I just prefer to completely ignore the whole thing.
posted by miyabo at 10:07 AM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by miyabo at 10:07 AM on April 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by milkrate at 11:14 PM on April 23, 2011 [14 favorites]