Conversation Skills 101

May 6, 2005 8:49 AM

I've been having some problems while trying to keep conversation going with people, even when I know them quite well. For some reason I really can't think of anything to say, and when I do I always think of myself as being quite a bore. Also, even though I love to laugh, it's very hard for me to come up with some decent jokes, puns or teases. Any advice on how to improve matters a bit? Thanks a lot in advance!
posted by koenie to human relations (15 answers total)

I find it good to remember some of the weird & wacky news articles and things that you find on the web (via Fark, and the ilk)... other than that, I'm not sure.
I'll set an introspective analysis task running in the back of my mind this evening to figure out what I talk about - probably just a load of crap! :-)
posted by Chunder at 9:00 AM on May 6, 2005

Don't worry about being funny. It isn't necessary to good conversation, although it certainly helps. It's better to be yourself than force humor though. The key to conversation is to focus on the other person. Discuss what they want, talk about them, their ideas, interests etc. Eventually the conversation will come around to you as well. "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is an old book, but it remains relevant regarding conversational styles. There are lots of tips and tricks some people may give you to stay connected to the other person in a conversation but if you spend too much time concentrating on them of course your conversation will suffer. Just focus on the other person and they will have plenty to talk about.
posted by caddis at 9:04 AM on May 6, 2005

I concur with Caddis but would recommend that you also read How To Talk To Anyone by Leil Lowndes.

It contains lots of great techniques, one of which I have found mindbendingly powerful - and yet can be mastered in about a second. Working on the principle that a majority of people love to talk about themselves, if you're ever stuck for something to say, repeat their last few words back to them, but in a questioning tone.

Let's imagine your friend has said: "My fish has died". Instead of saying "Oh no, I'm sorry, how sad" (which could close the discussion), you reply "Your fish has died?", which prompts them to carry on with a little more information.

I use this regularly and it is really is shocking how long you can keep it going, so that the other person continues to talk without even noticing that you've not actually made any original comment of your own.
posted by skylar at 9:19 AM on May 6, 2005

also, remember that silence is not always a big deal. conversation ebbs and flows. i have a v. good friend who often says really stupid things because she can't let the silence sit for a minute or two before the conversation picks back up.

use the silence to recall the interesting thing you read last week that this person might find interesting. or to look around you to find an interesting thing to comment on. i find that allowing the natural silences in conversations makes them seem less forced, makes everyone seem more relaxed.

(and i second skylar's excellent suggestion about open-ended responses)
posted by crush-onastick at 9:27 AM on May 6, 2005

Drink alcohol. Works for me.
posted by tirebouchon at 9:29 AM on May 6, 2005

This simple maxim is very true:
It is better to be interested than to be interesting.
posted by gnz2001 at 9:42 AM on May 6, 2005

Ask questions about the topic at hand that you already know the answers to. Let's say you're talking talking about MetaFilter with somebody and you know that the site is run by mathowie. If you can't think of something to say, ask them if they know who runs the site. Since you already know the answer, you don't have to pay as much attention to what they're saying. That allows you to concentrate on coming up with the next thing to say and it buys you some time to do so.
posted by hootch at 9:57 AM on May 6, 2005

Everyone who said variations of

The key to conversation is to focus on the other person

is 100% correct. People looooove to talk about themselves; so if you give them an opportunity by asking them questions, they will adore you and think of you as a brilliant conversationalist.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:04 AM on May 6, 2005 [1 favorite]

So what do you do when the other person doesn't seem to like to talk about themselves? There are some of those people.
posted by raedyn at 10:19 AM on May 6, 2005

Everybody above says "get people to talk about themselves", and they're largely right. I would shift this to "get people to talk about things they know well". It's a win all round -- they are happy to feel like an expert on something, and you are likely to learn something. For example, almost everybody above a certain age has opinions on child rearing (even if they haven't done it themselves).

The reason I'd shift it is that I've run into people whose attempts to get me to talk about myself got into "And how did you feel about that?" "Um, I was annoyed?" "No, how did you really feel about it?" To stereotype, I think this came from boys who'd found it a good conversational strategy on girls, now using it on me (a boy). Another annoying extreme is getting pressed for enough detail to satisfy a background check.

It sounds like you care more about how to talk to your friends than how to talk to strangers. (As well you should be -- who do you care more about!) In which case you should have some guesses about what strengths your friends have that you don't, and ask about those.

Final caveat -- if the strength in question is something that your friend does for a living, but doesn't like, then asking them about it may prompt a "Jeez, I have to think about that crap all day, can we just relax please". Not very common and easily avoided.
posted by Aknaton at 10:37 AM on May 6, 2005

To followup on what raedyn just asked, I was going to suggest something slightly different than the "get them to talk about themselves" strategy.

I love to observe brilliant conversationalists in action. One thing I've noticed is that they actually talk alot about themselves! But, they do it in a an engaging, funny, and inviting way. They tell stories that 1) everyone wants to hear 2) people will then participate in.

That is instead of saying something boring like "Man, traffic really sucked today...blah, blah" they'll say "So, you know, I was on 101 today. One thing about being on a highway is that when someone else is driving, I like to look around and see what other people are doing in their cars: sometimes you catch people picking their nose, singing along with the radio etc. Anyways, today as we were driving along..." Then, other people just start chiming in with their own stories. They do get people to talk but its in a collaborative or conspiratorial way rather than "What do you do for a living..."

Of course, this is not so much about keeping up your side of the conversation as much as how to drive it. And one thing I've learned is that no matter how much you "study" conversation and observe extreme extroverts, knowing what to do is a lot different than putting it into practice. Self-confidence and/or the natural disinhibiting element of alcohol (but no more than one drink) are realy the way to get things going.
posted by vacapinta at 10:39 AM on May 6, 2005 [3 favorites]

I have found, through experience, that copping to the situation leads to some deeper exchanges, and relaxes me. When I tense up and get nervous about not having anything to say, the flow just dries up and I get more and more desperate. If I can part that curtain and tell people what is going on, it has lead me to some pretty interesting and comfortable places, even if there was a lot of discomfort at the outset.
posted by Danf at 11:17 AM on May 6, 2005

I suffer from some of the same problems you do so I'm probably not the best one to give advice.

The first thing to remember is that while silences in the conversation are a bit of a drag, they're not your fault alone - don't feel that it has to be your responsibility to fill the gap. And try and look cool about it, if you look embarassed and start coughing and looking at your shoes it makes it worse.

Don't edit your subject matter too much. A boring subject can often spark more interesting conversation than an uncomfortable silence. You could be talking about your dull woes at work one minute and then that could lead to much more interesting things.

It's difficult to get jokes right - I should know, I get this wrong all the time. There's nothing better for killing conversation than an ill judged joke at the wrong time - unleashing a joke and then everyone looking at you with the quizical expression that says "and the punchline would be?" Don't force yourself to be humourous - something funny might just pop into your head when you're not looking for it, and then don't be afraid to spurt it out.

It can also be a big turn off to talk to someone who's always looking for a punchline in what you're saying all the time. Smart arses are fine for a few jokes but you wouldn't want to be stuck in a lift with them.
posted by dodgygeezer at 11:22 AM on May 6, 2005

Broadly parody the sort of posts you suspect are made on Free Republic.com or Little Green Footballs

End each imitation by screeching shrilly, "STFU, lib'ruls", just in case your friends missed the joke.

You will never be considered "merely boring" again.
posted by orthogonality at 1:44 PM on May 6, 2005

The key to conversation is to focus on the other person. Discuss what they want, talk about them, their ideas, interests etc.

Personally, i really disagree with this. People who mostly just ask questions bore me to pieces. It's a cop out, a way to avoid thinking of anything interesting to say. I appreciate that perhaps the tendency has often been toward egotism, so this side had to be emphasized, but the key to conversation (as with just about everything), in my opinion, is finding the right balance. Don't focus all the attention on yourself, but don't turn into a passive observer/interviewer, either!

Remember that anything can be a topic of conversation. Sometimes something going on nearby can be a great focal point; you & the friend can joke/observe/comment on people or events nearby, or just random little details of the environment. You can bring up anything you find interesting by saying, 'I was thinking the other day...' You can always go with "(seen any / read any / heard any) good (movies/books/bands) lately," or mention those that you recently became acquainted with. yes, introduce it in an engaging way, not by launching into a monologue, but by saying something like, oh, have you heard the new whatsit album? and going from there.

And I absolutely agree that silence is not a bad thing. Never be afraid of lulls. They're only awkward if you think they're awkward. If you're comfortable with lulls, they're just a chance to reflect for a moment and enjoy the environment or the presence of your friend/s or whatever. If you're totally bored and don't feel like talking, you can also always play a game... One friend of mine always has a pack of cards with her, and sometimes we're both too fried to really be social anyway, so we just play gin rummy or something, and talk about the game or other things on and off, but because you're doing something anyway, you stop noticing whether you're actively talking or not.
posted by mdn at 5:46 PM on May 6, 2005 [1 favorite]