How do you get over someone that dumped you out of the blue and says they will never speak to you again?
posted by timsneezed to Human Relations (62 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
About a year ago I was happily in love with a guy whom I was sure I would marry. We were inseparable, and he seemed almost more smitten with me than I was with him. He would tell me constantly that I was perfect, that he never wanted to be with another girl, that we would be married with kids in a few years. I believed it, although at first there was a shred of doubt. I was a bit concerned that I was a few years older than he was (he was 22, while I was 26), that I was his first serious girlfriend, and that he had fallen for me so fast. But eventually, after much insistence, he put my fears to rest.
After five blissful months together that didn't include a single harsh word spoken between us, he suddenly dumped one night out of the blue. This came a few hours after telling me he wanted to be with me forever. It was actually the single most painful experience of my life, because I had trusted him more than I’d ever trusted anyone. What made it especially hard is that he could never give me a reason why, because he didn't seem to understand it himself. In general he seemed out of touch with the logic behind his emotions. He is somebody who sort of scorns rationality and believes in going with what “feels right.”
I foolishly continued to hang out with, probing him for answers but he had nothing to give. I am 100% sure he wasn't cheating, as we spent so much time together that it wouldn't have been possible. Also, I don't believe he was being dishonest with me, which makes it all the stranger.
Right after the breakup he did unleash a list of minor grievances about my personality that seemed petty, things he had never mentioned to me before. For example, he claimed that I was rude to waiters. This surprised me, since if anything I go out of my way to be friendly to waitstaff having been a waiter myself. After probing him some more, it turned out he was basing this on one instance where he misunderstood something I said. Anyway,he could never give me a substansive reason.
More baffling, he also claimed that he had never doubted our relationship or anything about me until the moment that he decided to end it. He claimed his grievances about me also came to him at the same moment, and before that he had thought me "perfect."
As he put it, it was just a sudden feeling, and that knowing himself there was no turning back from that.
For a couple of months I desperately tried to convince him to give us a shot, but he refused. His family, who exerts a huge influence on him, also pushed him to not take me back. For some reason his 19-year-old brother (with whom he lives) had taken an immediate dislike to me, which I had always suspected but my ex denied until his brother berated me after the breakup. His brother is loud and crass, while I'm more reserved, so it was probably a personality clash.
Anyway, he maintained that he wanted to stay friends with me, and would regularly seek me out. He invited me to do things constantly, and I agreed. We hung out and sometimes even had sex (I know).
I impressed upon him how much the sudden breakup had hurt me because I had abandonment issues from my childhood (father leaving). He promised me that even though we couldn't be together, he wanted to stay friends and would never suddenly cut contact with me. One day we went on a hike and got into an argument on the way home, because he I asked him if I could crash at his place for a night while I would be moving into my new place and out of home. He told me I couldn't because his brother didn't like me. I said his brother was an ass. But we made up and hugged, and he mentioned hanging out again the next day. The next morning I got a text message from him that read: "I'm not going to be in contact with you anymore. Please don't ever contact me again."
Of course I tried to call him, but he had already changed his number. I felt almost more devastated than I had the first time, although it took longer for the shock to set in. I was also freaking out because he owed me about a grand for something we had bought together, which he was supposed to be paying me in a couple of weeks when he got his paycheck. Finally, I was able to reach him and he arranged to meet me near my house to give me the check. He came on a bike for an easy get away. I said to him, "will you ever speak to me again?" He shook his head and said, "No, I won't" and rode off. That was in early September. We haven't spoken since, and I haven't tried to contact him again.
I thought by now I'd be over it, and in many ways I am, but it’s like there’s this piece left that won’t go away. Part of the problem is he lives about a two minute walk from me so I see him at a distance from time to time (I simply avoid eye contact). Also, I see his new gf around. He met about a week after cutting contact with me. I saw them together in town, and remembered he had mentioned before breaking contact that he had a first date coming up with someone from OKCupid.
Mostly I can’t let go of this anger. Sometimes I fantasize about getting revenge on him, even though I’d never actually do anything. I’m not proud to admit it, but I would probably be pleased if I found out he had died in a car crash. That's how deeply I hate him at this point. It pisses me off that he was able to easily erase me from his life and past, justify it with the assurances of his family, replace me with another girlfriend, and that nobody around him will ever know how much he hurt me. Everything comes easily to him, while I often struggle with self-defeating behaviors. He’s a people pleaser, and he’s very reliable when it comes to his job and friends, so I doubt anyone except me knows this other side to him. I would love to see him fail, but he seems to float through life, and it’s as if I was just a little bump on an otherwise smooth, scenic ride.
Part of me just feels like if he apologized for cutting me off I would be able to move on. I’ve been tempted to send him a letter, hoping that might prompt an apology or a talk for some closure. But maybe that’s a bad idea.
And then there are these disembodied memories of when we were together that now make no sense. I can’t think of them as happy anymore, because it's as if that history has been erased or overwritten.
I’m just out of ideas. My anger doesn’t seem to be subsiding. No contact hasn't helped.
I just don’t want to care about him anymore, even enough to feel anger.