Answering this question will make you better in bed

March 10, 2011 5:09 AM

What are some impossible promises I can make for humor's sake? Snake-oil type promises? Late night informercial type promises? Or nice movie-based premises of supremacy?

I used to love on Scott Adams' Dilbert Newsletter how he would start by saying that by subscribing to the newsletter Dogbert would make us one of the ruling overlords in the new world order.

I would like some lines of similar type for a project I'm working on. I've used a few, such as "Reading this newsletter will make you more attractive to members of the opposite sex" etc. but I would like some more humorous, ironic, impossible promises to make.

It's a movie based newsletter so anything that is based on film scenarios would work as well.

posted by arniec to grab bag (40 answers total)

Your chance to win the *actual* Rosebud
posted by nofunnyname at 5:27 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

After reading this newsletter, your poop will wipe clean for two weeks or your money back.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:36 AM on March 10, 2011

"It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich."
or
"You'll be popular with all the kids, the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads - they'll all adore you." (a riff off of Ferris Bueller)
posted by madred at 5:45 AM on March 10, 2011

You will get a lifetime supply of the drug known as Charlie Sheen.
posted by Leezie at 5:47 AM on March 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

You will get a VIP tour of the Jedi Temple on Courasant.
You will receive a scholarship to study at Starfleet Academy.
posted by Flood at 5:52 AM on March 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Your penis will grow so large it overtakes your body, develops its own brain, and eventually runs for national office or recieves a six-figure deal as director of development at a major Hollywood studio.
posted by timsteil at 6:01 AM on March 10, 2011

This pill will change the way your semen tastes.
(spam subject line)
posted by therubettes at 6:06 AM on March 10, 2011

Mis-read the question...should have said:
Reading this newsletter will change the way your semen tastes.
posted by therubettes at 6:07 AM on March 10, 2011

You are a member of the only group from which our next TEN MILLION DOLLAR WINNER will be chosen!

(Actually seen in a sweepstakes mailing.)
posted by gimonca at 6:09 AM on March 10, 2011

Not all promises, but:

This newsletter slices, dices, chops, and it really, really works!

Read before midnight tonight! The newsletter is waiting!

This newsletter is a floorwax and a dessert topping!

Now, half the calories and all the great newsletter taste!

Newsletter! I'm not just a reader, I'm the Editor!

4 out of 5 dentists* agree that this newsletter will freshen your breath.

* that responded to our question
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:12 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

This newsletter will teach you to understand the mind of your cat.
posted by Namlit at 6:23 AM on March 10, 2011

Lose excess weight by calories expended reading this newsletter.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:38 AM on March 10, 2011

IF YOU FORWARD THIS NEWSLETTER TO 10 PEOPLE YOU WILL HAVE PROSPERITY AND BLESSINGS.
posted by cashman at 6:44 AM on March 10, 2011

If you read this newsletter we guarantee you WILL get the girl
posted by greenish at 6:46 AM on March 10, 2011

Reading this newsletter will increase the national literacy rate.
Reading this newsletter will decrease the number of meteoroids which fall to earth.
Every time you renew subscription to this newsletter I have to buy more ink.
posted by MustardTent at 6:47 AM on March 10, 2011

Not sure if this would work in print, but I love the Simpsons' "IT'S WHISPER-QUIET!!!" yelled over a deafeningly-loud infomercial product.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 6:50 AM on March 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

This question reminded me of the lyrics to this brilliant song
posted by greenish at 6:55 AM on March 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

It'll put hair on your chest!
posted by peagood at 6:59 AM on March 10, 2011

greenish beat me to it!

it picks up the kids from school it gets rid of embarrassing age spots and it lengthens, and it strengthens, it's the only newsletter you will ever need...
posted by Meatbomb at 7:00 AM on March 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Read this… and win an iPad 3!

There's NO surprise hidden in this newsletter, promised! (playing on the reverse psychology thing)

Christina Aguilera flashing her tits. (or sex-tape, that works pretty well)
posted by vincentv at 7:09 AM on March 10, 2011

Has this newsletter been laced with LSD? Lick HERE, the results may surprise you!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:14 AM on March 10, 2011 [6 favorites]

This newsletter will tell you everything you need to know to arrange a meeting with Homer Simpson IRL.
posted by Namlit at 7:40 AM on March 10, 2011

This newsletter will change your life forever.. and then change it back!
posted by rainy at 7:59 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

(I assume that this newsletter isn't strictly for men. A lot of these jokey promises are a total turn-off to me, which I bet you don't want.)

Read this newsletter and see visible results in hours!

Read this newsletter and receive total consciousness!

[Newsletter name]: 60% of the time, it works every time
posted by chowflap at 8:10 AM on March 10, 2011

I offer my students a "free all expenses paid trip" to somewhere really uninteresting local spot that none of them would want, and they laugh. You could use movie locations for the idea.
posted by effluvia at 8:29 AM on March 10, 2011

Riffing on movie quotes:

The first rule of reading this newsletter is we don't talk about this newsletter. (Er...something like that, anyway.)

There's no crying in newsletters!

I'm the King of This Newsletter!

In this newsletter, no one can hear you scream.

Pretty sure I suck at this, so I'll stop now.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:56 AM on March 10, 2011

This newsletter puts your mods asleep and gives you free chatccess to the green.
posted by Namlit at 9:08 AM on March 10, 2011

This newsletter will help the Space Cruiser Yamato reach Iscandar.
This newsletter guarantees happiness. *Not a guarantee.
This newsletter stole fire from the gods.
This newsletter is wanted in 5 states and one protectorate.
This newsletter thinks you are handsome, and successful.
This newsletter knows what's in the box.
posted by CarlRossi at 9:16 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Brought to you in association with Cthulhu.
posted by dougrayrankin at 10:10 AM on March 10, 2011

Reading this newsletter constitutes acceptance of the terms of service. You read those too, right? You DIDN'T? Oh man, you are SO SCREWED.

Now with more tiger repellant!

What we have here is an attempt to communicate.

May contain nuts. Heh. Nuts.

The newletter that only want to hold you close and stroke your hair and tell you everything will be OK.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:33 AM on March 10, 2011

I like the idea of promising something that doesn't exist for a problem that never happened.

This week's newsletter includes answers to last week's newsletter puzzles.

Corrections to last week's recipe card enclosed in this newsletter.

By popular demand, a hyperlink for a translation of today's newsletter into Tagalog is at the end of the newsletter.
posted by backseatpilot at 11:05 AM on March 10, 2011

First you read this newsletter, then you get the power, then you get the women.
posted by AugieAugustus at 11:45 AM on March 10, 2011

I promise you I will never die! if you read this newsletter.
posted by Kerasia at 1:48 PM on March 10, 2011

greenish beat me to it!

it picks up the kids from school it gets rid of embarrassing age spots and it lengthens, and it strengthens, it's the only newsletter you will ever need...

I came in here to recommend "Step Right Up":

Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts, change your life, change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife.

posted by Deathalicious at 3:12 PM on March 10, 2011

Whatever you choose, be sure to end it with"...but the steak knives are yours to keep!"
posted by digitalprimate at 3:31 PM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Reading this newsletter will help stave off the heat death of the universe.
posted by tomboko at 6:44 PM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Reading this newsletter will stop the depletion of the ozone layer, cure hemorrhoids, freshen your breath and cure unsightly genital conditions. And if you act now not only will it make mirrors 66% more reflective, it will also reunite lost loves, improve your gas mileage and significantly lessen the chance you'll be hit by a random meteorite.

But I don't want to make exaggerated claims.
posted by motown missile at 7:37 PM on March 10, 2011

This newsletter found the map to One Eyed Willie's gold.

This newsletter knows what you did last summer.

This newsletter may appear larger in rear view mirror.

This newsletter can make a dimpled smile out of a frown. It can even dye your eyes to match your gown.
posted by polymath at 7:40 PM on March 10, 2011

Read this newsletter and the ENTIRE UNIVERSE will instantly (and painlessly!) increase in size by 1000 percent!
(and, you know, there's no possible way to prove that one wrong!)
posted by She Talks To Angels at 10:48 PM on March 10, 2011

If you can read this, they're on to you. Act normal.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:46 PM on March 11, 2011 [1 favorite]