I need help with sex and gender issues.
February 28, 2011 12:59 PM Subscribe
Please help me deal with issues regarding sexual orientation and gender identity, and either assure me that I’m not a bad person or tell me how to stop being a bad person. A lengthy, detailed and NSFW explanation follows.
posted by anonymous to human relations (19 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I’ve never discussed this in any detail, so please bear with me as I type my thoughts out. First, background: I’m a cisgendered man in an opposite-sex marriage with a cisgendered woman. We both identify as bisexual, and I’d probably land somewhere around 1 or 2 on the old Kinsey scale—pretty much, but not entirely, hetero. Our relationship is semi-open, and she is in a relationship with another woman; sometimes the three of us engage in sexual activity together. This is working quite nicely for all of us, and isn’t the problem at hand, but I wanted to lay a clear foundation.
My dark secret, and the reason I’m coming to AskMe, is that my ideal fantasy sexual partner is someone who has all the secondary and tertiary sexual characteristics of a woman, but has a penis instead of a vagina. I often seek this sort of thing out in pornography, and I’m feeling really guilty about it, because I feel like I’m objectifying and fetishizing transgendered women. I’ll look for porn with words like “shemale” or “tranny” or “dickgirl.” I know these words are offensive, and I feel like I’m trapped in a dichotomy of trying to fulfill my own desires while still being conscious of the very real societal pressures and stress placed upon anyone who doesn’t conform to gender norms.
At the same time, I try to be active in social causes and be a friend to the transgendered community, whether that means political activity in the real world or stepping into an online conversation. Way in the back of my mind, though, I wonder whether I’m really sincere, or whether it’s just my fetish that’s driving me to white-knight because it makes me feel noble to do so.
So what do I do, AskMe? I’m not directly hurting anybody in any way, or at least I hope I’m not, but I’m acting and thinking like a creepy, objectifying pervert because I can’t stop obsessing about a woman’s genitals when I learn that she’s transgendered. To all transgendered women on MetaFilter, I sincerely apologize, and I hope I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. How do you deal with the knowledge that people think of you like this?
Thank you for listening and letting me get this off my chest. Again, I’m sorry for being a creep. I really don’t want to be.