Navigating Private Grief around Strangers
January 19, 2011 5:20 PM Subscribe
Help me navigate this family dynamic with the extended in-law family.
Mr. Anon and I have been together six or so years, but we have known each other most of our lives. Mr. Anon has always been a "childless by choice" person, so his family never gives him / us any bother about that. However, they don't know that I am unable to have children because it never comes up. He'd already gone through the "no grandchild ever" thing with his family long before we started dating. I've know for about ten years that I can't have children, which felt bad at the time, but now, as I reach my mid-40's, I'm discovering depths of grief there I did not know existed.
That said, the no-having children thing is not the problem. Mr Anon accepts that it's painful for me and doesn't celebrate his lack of disappointment. The problem is that right now, I can't really deal with other people and their infants and all the happy joy joy that comes with being around new parents.
Mr. Anon and I had planned a trip to his family's vacation home about three months ago. I just found out that for the last two days of our 10-day stay there, his much-younger cousin whom he barely knows and whom I have never met will be coming to the vacation home and bringing her infant and her best friend and her new infant. It's a semi-rural mountain place, more than large enough for everyone, except that I'm panicking about the infants. There is a town with a restaurant or two, not much, once the winter sports shut down at dark.
I am very upset by this. We can't leave early because we can't change the flights. I offered to spring for a hotel room for us for the last couple of days, but Mr. Anon said he wasn't going to do that. I don't really know why, but I think it's because he's not sure Cousin & Baby are coming--it's just a rumor he heard through family channels.
I'm not ready to hash out my infertility grief with his immediate family, much less extended family I likely will never see again. And I have not progressed through my own feelings to interact with new parents and lovely little babies in close intimate quarters without breaking down.
Strategies for coping with this without hiding in my room?
Mr. Anon and I have been together six or so years, but we have known each other most of our lives. Mr. Anon has always been a "childless by choice" person, so his family never gives him / us any bother about that. However, they don't know that I am unable to have children because it never comes up. He'd already gone through the "no grandchild ever" thing with his family long before we started dating. I've know for about ten years that I can't have children, which felt bad at the time, but now, as I reach my mid-40's, I'm discovering depths of grief there I did not know existed.
That said, the no-having children thing is not the problem. Mr Anon accepts that it's painful for me and doesn't celebrate his lack of disappointment. The problem is that right now, I can't really deal with other people and their infants and all the happy joy joy that comes with being around new parents.
Mr. Anon and I had planned a trip to his family's vacation home about three months ago. I just found out that for the last two days of our 10-day stay there, his much-younger cousin whom he barely knows and whom I have never met will be coming to the vacation home and bringing her infant and her best friend and her new infant. It's a semi-rural mountain place, more than large enough for everyone, except that I'm panicking about the infants. There is a town with a restaurant or two, not much, once the winter sports shut down at dark.
I am very upset by this. We can't leave early because we can't change the flights. I offered to spring for a hotel room for us for the last couple of days, but Mr. Anon said he wasn't going to do that. I don't really know why, but I think it's because he's not sure Cousin & Baby are coming--it's just a rumor he heard through family channels.
I'm not ready to hash out my infertility grief with his immediate family, much less extended family I likely will never see again. And I have not progressed through my own feelings to interact with new parents and lovely little babies in close intimate quarters without breaking down.
Strategies for coping with this without hiding in my room?
Seeing as it's three months from now, maybe use this opportunity to do a lot of your grieving now. Journaling, therapy, maybe even visit with some babies if you can (briefly, in a way where you can take off as you need to) - do what you can to work through it. Not for family unity, but for yourself.
These babies may not even show up to the vacation home. If they do, after two days I would also experience a mixture of Relief along with that grief, because you'll be exposed to their crying and diapers and non-stop demands as well their charm.
Also, it's totally ok if you ask Mr. Anon to say a quick something to a sympathetic female relative - maybe his mom - about how you may find it hard. He doesn't need to go into your specific situation, just say that you have some sadness around not having children and ask her to watch out for you, make sure that no one tries to co-opt you into baby-situations that would be too much for you.
Lastly, tell Mr. Anon that if need be, you're heading out for a hotel with or without him. Knowing that you have an escape is sometimes the best release valve there is.
posted by ldthomps at 5:43 PM on January 19, 2011 [13 favorites]
These babies may not even show up to the vacation home. If they do, after two days I would also experience a mixture of Relief along with that grief, because you'll be exposed to their crying and diapers and non-stop demands as well their charm.
Also, it's totally ok if you ask Mr. Anon to say a quick something to a sympathetic female relative - maybe his mom - about how you may find it hard. He doesn't need to go into your specific situation, just say that you have some sadness around not having children and ask her to watch out for you, make sure that no one tries to co-opt you into baby-situations that would be too much for you.
Lastly, tell Mr. Anon that if need be, you're heading out for a hotel with or without him. Knowing that you have an escape is sometimes the best release valve there is.
posted by ldthomps at 5:43 PM on January 19, 2011 [13 favorites]
I agree with ldthomas.
And if they do show up, you can always just claim a headache and lock yourself away from infants.
posted by Neekee at 5:48 PM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
And if they do show up, you can always just claim a headache and lock yourself away from infants.
posted by Neekee at 5:48 PM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
While I understand that a conversation might come up, I am not sure why you have to "hash out your grief" more on this trip then any other day that you run into babies. Two days is a VERY short time to know someone before you ask them why they do not have kids.
My guess would be that everyone will be busy and the conversation will not come up.
I agree with the posts above. This is something you need to learn to manage. Babies are everywhere and avoiding them for the rest of your life seems like rough.
Best of luck.
posted by Felex at 6:22 PM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
My guess would be that everyone will be busy and the conversation will not come up.
I agree with the posts above. This is something you need to learn to manage. Babies are everywhere and avoiding them for the rest of your life seems like rough.
Best of luck.
posted by Felex at 6:22 PM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Not to be flip, but perhaps a little breaking down would be good for you? Mr. Anon's non-celebration of your infertility hardly sounds like empathy. I wonder if you don't feel you must keep your composure around him, because he doesn't get it, and that's the real problem.
I understand that getting upset in front of distant family might not be ideal, but it really sounds like the anticipation is worse than the actual event might be.
posted by jon1270 at 6:45 PM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
I understand that getting upset in front of distant family might not be ideal, but it really sounds like the anticipation is worse than the actual event might be.
posted by jon1270 at 6:45 PM on January 19, 2011 [3 favorites]
Instead of a headache, say "I think I might be coming down with something" Everyone will agree that you should not expose infants to the potential of catching something.
Actually, I agree with the advice that you wait and see how things shape up and then spend the last two nights at a hotel if you really need to do so.
posted by metahawk at 6:48 PM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Actually, I agree with the advice that you wait and see how things shape up and then spend the last two nights at a hotel if you really need to do so.
posted by metahawk at 6:48 PM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
The only advice I could offer would be to suck it up. I can imagine how hard it would be if you can't have your own children and it's something you'd really like to experience, but you can't avoid babies and people with babies forever.
You've dealt with it for 10 years before it became something of a problem, so learn to deal with it again.
posted by Sweetmag at 6:49 PM on January 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
You've dealt with it for 10 years before it became something of a problem, so learn to deal with it again.
posted by Sweetmag at 6:49 PM on January 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
Is there any way you could look at this as a chance to indulge in the benefits of kids without the trouble? You have relatives with babies that you get to visit with for brief periods, but who you don't have to care for endlessly and give up your life to.
Since your situation is already given, see if you can try to embrace it instead of dwelling on the pain it causes. Maybe you can enjoy being an auntie instead of focusing on what you're missing. I'm not saying it's the same or that you should just "get over" your feelings or anything, but if you sort of work toward that perspective, it could be fun to spend time with other people's babies... and still be able to leave whenever you want.
posted by mdn at 7:03 PM on January 19, 2011
Since your situation is already given, see if you can try to embrace it instead of dwelling on the pain it causes. Maybe you can enjoy being an auntie instead of focusing on what you're missing. I'm not saying it's the same or that you should just "get over" your feelings or anything, but if you sort of work toward that perspective, it could be fun to spend time with other people's babies... and still be able to leave whenever you want.
posted by mdn at 7:03 PM on January 19, 2011
Sorry to hear about your grief.
There are babies all over the place, though.
Do you think maybe you feel inadequate or maybe you feel like a disappointment to the family because you don't have kids?
How do you deal with it when you're at the store and see babies?
Also, consider adoption. There are lots of babies who are all alone in this world and there's a chance they may end up shuffled through the system. A lot of my friends are adopted or spent the first part of their lives going from crappy home to crappy home.
posted by KogeLiz at 7:28 PM on January 19, 2011
There are babies all over the place, though.
Do you think maybe you feel inadequate or maybe you feel like a disappointment to the family because you don't have kids?
How do you deal with it when you're at the store and see babies?
Also, consider adoption. There are lots of babies who are all alone in this world and there's a chance they may end up shuffled through the system. A lot of my friends are adopted or spent the first part of their lives going from crappy home to crappy home.
posted by KogeLiz at 7:28 PM on January 19, 2011
Mr. Anon's non-celebration of your infertility hardly sounds like empathy. I wonder if you don't feel you must keep your composure around him, because he doesn't get it, and that's the real problem.
I completely agree that this might be a big part of it. Mr. Anon refrains from celebrating his lack of disappointment in this situation that is causing you "depths of grief [you] didn't know existed"?? He "accepts" your pain?? That's really nice of him, or something, but it hardly seems like the necessary response at all. Maybe more time spent around someone a bit more responsive to your major grief would leave you feeling less upset when you have to be in baby situations.
By the way, I know you know this, but -- you can have a baby too. Maybe not necessarily one that shares your genes, but still your own baby. Maybe if you started looking into that as a small possibility - not even a major one or a definite - you would feel a bit less freaked out, because in reality, unless there's something you haven't mentioned, not having a baby is still your choice, not something entirely beyond your control.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:17 PM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
I completely agree that this might be a big part of it. Mr. Anon refrains from celebrating his lack of disappointment in this situation that is causing you "depths of grief [you] didn't know existed"?? He "accepts" your pain?? That's really nice of him, or something, but it hardly seems like the necessary response at all. Maybe more time spent around someone a bit more responsive to your major grief would leave you feeling less upset when you have to be in baby situations.
By the way, I know you know this, but -- you can have a baby too. Maybe not necessarily one that shares your genes, but still your own baby. Maybe if you started looking into that as a small possibility - not even a major one or a definite - you would feel a bit less freaked out, because in reality, unless there's something you haven't mentioned, not having a baby is still your choice, not something entirely beyond your control.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:17 PM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Don't go. Vacations that involve extended families often involve children. If this is going to cause you a melt down, don't subject everyone to your issues.
posted by kjs3 at 10:28 PM on January 19, 2011
posted by kjs3 at 10:28 PM on January 19, 2011
Don't go. Vacations that involve extended families often involve children. If this is going to cause you a melt down, don't subject everyone to your issues.
Dear, oh fucking dear. Don't feel bad for having grief. It's a loss, deeply felt, like any other death or trauma - not simply 'your issues.'
I have been in your situation very recently Anonymous. I avoided the family-in-laws in July, but had to go to a funeral in September with all of the family, endless infants all conceived through our own IVF disasters, in Ireland. I worked myself up a bit, worried about things like you are now. Unlike the person above, I guess I feel I am entitled to have my issues and my sadness. It doesn't have to bother others, but I don't have to simply function in denial for others either. And FFS what family of in-laws doesn't have its meltdowns and subject everyone to its issues? I've put up with more than my share.
I coped by being cordial and friendly with the parents and kinda smiled at the babies and didn't offer to hold them, change them, feed them or babysit them. It wasn't obvious to others, and no-one pressed me to engage further. It was much easier to keep calm when I distanced myself somewhat from the baby noise n drama as much as possible without locking myself away anti-socially. [Other people in the family more than made up for my lack of deep attention, they had more enthusiasm and levity than me to do so]
And to pick up on an earlier comment "I am not sure why you have to "hash out your grief" more on this trip then any other day that you run into babies" and "Babies are everywhere and avoiding them for the rest of your life seems like rough". Yes, babies are everywhere - on buses, trains, streets, schools etc - but we can disengage from these situations quite easily. [Sometimes not, I got teary in the baby aisle of my supermarket the other day] Unlike a family situation, where watching parents doing all those things you wish you were doing with your own child in much more intimate association. Seeing how proud and loving everyone is when a new child is brought into a family still makes me teary.
I feel on a deep level like I have let my husband's family down and have made him a poor wife in the context of a very family oriented Irish family. And even more basically, I feel like a bit of a failure as a woman. I know I am not, but it's a deep grief and that explains part of it for me.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:35 AM on January 20, 2011 [7 favorites]
I would suggest, as some others have, if you're going to try and get through the close encounter with the babies (and not leave early -- which is totally fine too) that you open yourself up to having an ally in this.
Your husband might not be the best candidate, but do you have a close friend who knows what's going on who you can reach by text or phone? Or a female relative of your husband's who would by sympathetic but respect your privacy while you're there?
Having gone through some similar things myself, all I can say is that people will surprise you. There are heaps of ambivalent emotions surrounding a new baby -- behind all the happyhappyjoyoy that you perceive on the outside, there may be many histories of infertility, miscarriage, postpartum depression, etc. among the family that they haven't shared. Expressing anything than utter joy around an infant is somewhat taboo, but believe me, there are lots of different flavors of grief that get bound up with new babies too.
Maybe showing your feelings just a bit, without a complete "hashing out," might leave you open to some really genuine support.
posted by pantarei70 at 7:43 AM on January 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your husband might not be the best candidate, but do you have a close friend who knows what's going on who you can reach by text or phone? Or a female relative of your husband's who would by sympathetic but respect your privacy while you're there?
Having gone through some similar things myself, all I can say is that people will surprise you. There are heaps of ambivalent emotions surrounding a new baby -- behind all the happyhappyjoyoy that you perceive on the outside, there may be many histories of infertility, miscarriage, postpartum depression, etc. among the family that they haven't shared. Expressing anything than utter joy around an infant is somewhat taboo, but believe me, there are lots of different flavors of grief that get bound up with new babies too.
Maybe showing your feelings just a bit, without a complete "hashing out," might leave you open to some really genuine support.
posted by pantarei70 at 7:43 AM on January 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
@honey-barbara: I did not invalidate her grief. I did not say it wasn't real. I did not say she shouldn't have it. Having more than a little experience with reproductive difficulties and traumas, I certainly understand the depth of that sort of grief. So with all due respect, get over yourself.
I merely point out that if you have a major issue with X, and you're going on a trip where there's going to be a lot of X, and you have the option to not go and not be subjected to X, and your own partner isn't interested in helping you avoid X on the trip, it's pretty self-destructive to go anyway. For all values of X. It's twice as selfish if your rationalization is "I've had to put up with your issues, so you can shut up and put up with mine". And it's not "denial" to understand there are things that you're not ready to cope with and not put yourself in a circumstance where those things are unavoidable. No matter how "entitled" (operative word) you think you are.
posted by kjs3 at 2:34 PM on January 20, 2011
I merely point out that if you have a major issue with X, and you're going on a trip where there's going to be a lot of X, and you have the option to not go and not be subjected to X, and your own partner isn't interested in helping you avoid X on the trip, it's pretty self-destructive to go anyway. For all values of X. It's twice as selfish if your rationalization is "I've had to put up with your issues, so you can shut up and put up with mine". And it's not "denial" to understand there are things that you're not ready to cope with and not put yourself in a circumstance where those things are unavoidable. No matter how "entitled" (operative word) you think you are.
posted by kjs3 at 2:34 PM on January 20, 2011
That's a nicer clarification than your first comment.
I thought about avoiding the family babies too, but I figured I am going to have to deal/meet with the kids many times over the coming years. You can't avoid family forever so it's better to face it and get it done. It will be all right. It will make you stronger in the long run to get through it. The emotions you process in the next three months will be important for your overall healing on this subject.
I've known for about ten years that I can't have children, which felt bad at the time, but now, as I reach my mid-40's, I'm discovering depths of grief there I did not know existed.
FWIW I think it's understandable in your 40s to be revisiting the lack of children grief more acutely. In my 30s I still had the hopeful, irrational thought that somehow it would all work out, and that I was still young enough etc. But in my 40s the finality of the situation set in and 'letting it go' was the only option. I was much better with family babies in my 30s than I have been recently. This seems hard for others to understand, as if they know about our problems, they assume we have processed it and moved on.
I certainly don't think, and didn't suggest, anyone should 'shut up and put up with my issues' but everyone in a family has issues that the group deals with [for example, the grief during the recent funeral I mentioned that required tenderness.] I avoided making anyone put up with 'issues' whilst also protecting myself. It's not selfish to have the same needs as the next person, but in this case, common with infertility, no one really knows of your grief.
I liked pantarei70's comment: it IS common to have a range of ambivalent emotions around babies, and it is a good idea to have an ally who can respectfully support you, and help you to avoid drama - both within the family, and within yourself. My partner's sister, mother of IVF twins, knew a bit about our sadness. My partner told her what we had been through as they had gone through their successful cycle, and he said we'd would do our best. It might take a few visits over the coming years to really take her kids more into our hearts, as we move through our situation, but we'll get there.
Also, I have found that when relative strangers ask me if I have kids, or want them, [and this happens way more than you think] it was a bit awkward at first to try to think of an answer that avoided escalation of a conversation and that subtly suggested that it was a difficult subject. If I am asked if I have kids, I say 'sadly, no' or if I want them 'it just hasn't worked out for us' and change the subject.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:29 PM on January 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I thought about avoiding the family babies too, but I figured I am going to have to deal/meet with the kids many times over the coming years. You can't avoid family forever so it's better to face it and get it done. It will be all right. It will make you stronger in the long run to get through it. The emotions you process in the next three months will be important for your overall healing on this subject.
I've known for about ten years that I can't have children, which felt bad at the time, but now, as I reach my mid-40's, I'm discovering depths of grief there I did not know existed.
FWIW I think it's understandable in your 40s to be revisiting the lack of children grief more acutely. In my 30s I still had the hopeful, irrational thought that somehow it would all work out, and that I was still young enough etc. But in my 40s the finality of the situation set in and 'letting it go' was the only option. I was much better with family babies in my 30s than I have been recently. This seems hard for others to understand, as if they know about our problems, they assume we have processed it and moved on.
I certainly don't think, and didn't suggest, anyone should 'shut up and put up with my issues' but everyone in a family has issues that the group deals with [for example, the grief during the recent funeral I mentioned that required tenderness.] I avoided making anyone put up with 'issues' whilst also protecting myself. It's not selfish to have the same needs as the next person, but in this case, common with infertility, no one really knows of your grief.
I liked pantarei70's comment: it IS common to have a range of ambivalent emotions around babies, and it is a good idea to have an ally who can respectfully support you, and help you to avoid drama - both within the family, and within yourself. My partner's sister, mother of IVF twins, knew a bit about our sadness. My partner told her what we had been through as they had gone through their successful cycle, and he said we'd would do our best. It might take a few visits over the coming years to really take her kids more into our hearts, as we move through our situation, but we'll get there.
Also, I have found that when relative strangers ask me if I have kids, or want them, [and this happens way more than you think] it was a bit awkward at first to try to think of an answer that avoided escalation of a conversation and that subtly suggested that it was a difficult subject. If I am asked if I have kids, I say 'sadly, no' or if I want them 'it just hasn't worked out for us' and change the subject.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:29 PM on January 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Felex: While I understand that a conversation might come up, I am not sure why you have to "hash out your grief" more on this trip then any other day that you run into babies. Two days is a VERY short time to know someone before you ask them why they do not have kids.
...
STRANGERS will ask people this. In-laws will quite often feel totally comfortable asking (or demanding) about kids. Never underestimate sheer mindless stupidity. It's rarely malice, just obnoxious social programming.
As for the OP - you very much need to talk about this with your husband more. About your (very real, very important) grief, about the trip, about how you're coping. He needs to know and he needs to step up too.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:55 AM on January 21, 2011
...
STRANGERS will ask people this. In-laws will quite often feel totally comfortable asking (or demanding) about kids. Never underestimate sheer mindless stupidity. It's rarely malice, just obnoxious social programming.
As for the OP - you very much need to talk about this with your husband more. About your (very real, very important) grief, about the trip, about how you're coping. He needs to know and he needs to step up too.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:55 AM on January 21, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lollusc at 5:40 PM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]