Help me be less self-absorbed and narcissistic
January 12, 2011 11:34 PM
How can I learn to be more aware of my narcissistic and/or self-absorbed behaviors, and to deal with them better?
I just sent a message to someone I liked on OkCupid, and upon proofreading the message, I realized I didn't ask a single question and all paragraphs start with 'I'. My heart sank. I've had similar episodes occur before, too, albeit not very frequently.
Narcissism and self-absorption seems to be among those things easily apparent in others, but more difficult to spot in oneself.
I've read the wiki article on NPD, but the criteria seem too broad to be useful, and I am not exactly looking for this kind of information anyway. I am looking for personal stories and strategies you've used related to overcoming your narcissistic tendencies, or books on the topic that have some rigor.
I just sent a message to someone I liked on OkCupid, and upon proofreading the message, I realized I didn't ask a single question and all paragraphs start with 'I'. My heart sank. I've had similar episodes occur before, too, albeit not very frequently.
Narcissism and self-absorption seems to be among those things easily apparent in others, but more difficult to spot in oneself.
I've read the wiki article on NPD, but the criteria seem too broad to be useful, and I am not exactly looking for this kind of information anyway. I am looking for personal stories and strategies you've used related to overcoming your narcissistic tendencies, or books on the topic that have some rigor.
I'd assume that all your sentences began with I because you felt like you were going to be evaluated or judged, or maybe concerned about measuring up, and whether they would choose to respond or accept a date. Then you proofread the message with that same critical eye and found a flaw in yourself. A narcissistic person wouldn't do that, they would probably write more like "Congratulations, I've chosen to date you! Let's see take a look at what you've won! [list of qualities]."
The short answer: there's a difference between being self-conscious and being narcissistic.
posted by AlsoMike at 12:16 AM on January 13, 2011
The short answer: there's a difference between being self-conscious and being narcissistic.
posted by AlsoMike at 12:16 AM on January 13, 2011
I have found that I become "narcissistic*" when I'm feeling really insecure or in a situation I have no previous experience with. I name drop, I begin all my sentences with "I" and pretty much whatever I'm doing, saying, or discussing is just about me, me, me. I get into pissing contests. "Oh, you think THAT'S bad? Wait till you hear about what happened to me!" I am, at my very, very worst, that Penelope character from SNL (you know, the one played by Kristen Wiig) because I'm trying very, very hard to be relevant, interesting, and engaged in the conversation. All I'm really doing, though, is being an attention hog, and that's obnoxious. :(
What's helped me curb this anxious tic lately, especially in PERSON, is to just shut up. Mentally I play a game with myself. For every 5 things I ask another person about themselves, I allow myself one or two small unsolicited "just about me" comments. Then I start over. If I'm writing, I stop before I send the letter and count the number of times I've begun a sentence with the word "I". It's not like I'm forcibly trying to make the conversation entirely about the other person or people in the vicinity; that's boring, and then I'm boring, and really, it's all about balance. Reading How to Win Friends and Influence People has helped. But mostly it's just about trying to cultivate a stronghold over my incessant need to talk about myself.
*I think that if we were honestly narcissistic, we wouldn't care if we were coming across as narcissistic. We'd be going, "Damn, I'm awesome. This person is so lucky to be talking to me right now." I mean, shoot, I just spent the last few minutes going, "Crap, is this comment too much about me?" IDK. Maybe that's narcissism, too.
posted by patronuscharms at 12:27 AM on January 13, 2011
What's helped me curb this anxious tic lately, especially in PERSON, is to just shut up. Mentally I play a game with myself. For every 5 things I ask another person about themselves, I allow myself one or two small unsolicited "just about me" comments. Then I start over. If I'm writing, I stop before I send the letter and count the number of times I've begun a sentence with the word "I". It's not like I'm forcibly trying to make the conversation entirely about the other person or people in the vicinity; that's boring, and then I'm boring, and really, it's all about balance. Reading How to Win Friends and Influence People has helped. But mostly it's just about trying to cultivate a stronghold over my incessant need to talk about myself.
*I think that if we were honestly narcissistic, we wouldn't care if we were coming across as narcissistic. We'd be going, "Damn, I'm awesome. This person is so lucky to be talking to me right now." I mean, shoot, I just spent the last few minutes going, "Crap, is this comment too much about me?" IDK. Maybe that's narcissism, too.
posted by patronuscharms at 12:27 AM on January 13, 2011
Is it possible that you decided to send the message because you thought this person was attractive, and not because you thought this person was interesting? I did that occasionally when I was internet dating; I'd see a photo, get interested, read the profile, then go to write the message and realize I had no questions to ask because nothing about the profile made me want to ask any questions. I generally took it as a sign that this person was not actually for me, not that there was something wrong with me.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:03 AM on January 13, 2011
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:03 AM on January 13, 2011
patronuscharms answer is very good for looking for self-absorbed behaviors on a micro level, in terms of individual comments and whatnot. But also pay attention to what is driving your interactions on a macro level.
When you are sending somebody a message on a dating site, pay attention the overall point of the message, Obviously the ultimate goal is a relationship of some sort, but when you are sending the message what is the message about? Is it a continuation of your profile, an attempt to show the person who you are and hope that they are interested or impressed? Is it an attempt to get to know them better because you are interested in who they are? Is it an attempt to start a conversation going that will lead to more in depth communication in person? That should shape what you ultimately write.
That applies to pretty much anything else. When you ask a question in a public forum, is it because you are interested in hearing an interesting answer, or are you just trying to be the center of attention? If you're at a cocktail party, and you excited about interacting with interesting people, or are you hoping to impress people with your wittiness? Are you listening or are you just talking?
posted by burnmp3s at 7:14 AM on January 13, 2011
When you are sending somebody a message on a dating site, pay attention the overall point of the message, Obviously the ultimate goal is a relationship of some sort, but when you are sending the message what is the message about? Is it a continuation of your profile, an attempt to show the person who you are and hope that they are interested or impressed? Is it an attempt to get to know them better because you are interested in who they are? Is it an attempt to start a conversation going that will lead to more in depth communication in person? That should shape what you ultimately write.
That applies to pretty much anything else. When you ask a question in a public forum, is it because you are interested in hearing an interesting answer, or are you just trying to be the center of attention? If you're at a cocktail party, and you excited about interacting with interesting people, or are you hoping to impress people with your wittiness? Are you listening or are you just talking?
posted by burnmp3s at 7:14 AM on January 13, 2011
It's great to ask questions in initial messages like that, but really just saying anything breaks the ice, and if they are at all interested they'll write back, regardless of whether you asked them anything.
posted by hermitosis at 7:16 AM on January 13, 2011
posted by hermitosis at 7:16 AM on January 13, 2011
Thank you for you answers so far.
I didn't mean my OkCupid situation to be very central to the question. It is what prompted me to ask it, and it's also an example of a behavior I don't like in others -- being a little too wrapped up in yourself to notice the world around you -- but I can think of other similar scenarios. For example, not being a good listener or very responsive to their situation when a friend needs a shoulder to cry on, because you are too busy telling them about what *you* would do, or how *you* reacted when a similar thing happened to you, when they didn't actually ask for this, and what they needed was something different. Or meeting someone who seems interesting and exciting, and realizing later that you didn't really get to learn much about them, because you were too wrapped up talking about yourself.
This is something I easily notice in others and sometimes go "Ugh!" mentally, but have a much harder time noticing when I do it. It's easier for me to describe examples like above, but I haven't quite put my finger on what exactly it is -- self-absorption, narcissism, self-consciousness or what, hence I am looking for stories and experiences that others can share, so I can better label it and research it.
The responses so far have been very helpful, so keep them coming!
posted by adahn at 9:59 AM on January 13, 2011
I didn't mean my OkCupid situation to be very central to the question. It is what prompted me to ask it, and it's also an example of a behavior I don't like in others -- being a little too wrapped up in yourself to notice the world around you -- but I can think of other similar scenarios. For example, not being a good listener or very responsive to their situation when a friend needs a shoulder to cry on, because you are too busy telling them about what *you* would do, or how *you* reacted when a similar thing happened to you, when they didn't actually ask for this, and what they needed was something different. Or meeting someone who seems interesting and exciting, and realizing later that you didn't really get to learn much about them, because you were too wrapped up talking about yourself.
This is something I easily notice in others and sometimes go "Ugh!" mentally, but have a much harder time noticing when I do it. It's easier for me to describe examples like above, but I haven't quite put my finger on what exactly it is -- self-absorption, narcissism, self-consciousness or what, hence I am looking for stories and experiences that others can share, so I can better label it and research it.
The responses so far have been very helpful, so keep them coming!
posted by adahn at 9:59 AM on January 13, 2011
If you were really a narcissist, you wouldn't even be here asking this.
posted by thebazilist at 10:20 AM on January 13, 2011
posted by thebazilist at 10:20 AM on January 13, 2011
I tend towards an "Original Sin" belief here, which is that we are all self-absorbed, and it's only through a conscious effort of will that people appear otherwise. (But a total narcissist would say that, wouldn't they?)
Tip #1, instead of noting the self-absorbed people, start noting the people who do NOT strike you as self-absorbed. What do they do to make it that way?
I coach myself to follow the flow of conversation, even when it isn't leading towards me. The mistake many annoyingly self-absorbed people make is to constantly try to steer it back to themselves.
If someone's talking about their car or whatever, and it's my turn in the conversational volley, I ask them a question or make a comment about their car. Instead of talking about MY car, or (heaven forbid) something completely unrelated to the topic of their car, but which happens to be all about me.
The more you do this, the better you get at it, and the more natural it becomes.
posted by ErikaB at 10:57 AM on January 13, 2011
Tip #1, instead of noting the self-absorbed people, start noting the people who do NOT strike you as self-absorbed. What do they do to make it that way?
I coach myself to follow the flow of conversation, even when it isn't leading towards me. The mistake many annoyingly self-absorbed people make is to constantly try to steer it back to themselves.
If someone's talking about their car or whatever, and it's my turn in the conversational volley, I ask them a question or make a comment about their car. Instead of talking about MY car, or (heaven forbid) something completely unrelated to the topic of their car, but which happens to be all about me.
The more you do this, the better you get at it, and the more natural it becomes.
posted by ErikaB at 10:57 AM on January 13, 2011
For example, not being a good listener or very responsive to their situation when a friend needs a shoulder to cry on, because you are too busy telling them about what *you* would do, or how *you* reacted when a similar thing happened to you, when they didn't actually ask for this, and what they needed was something different.
It helps to increase your respect for your friends and their ability to solve their own problems. Then your perspective of the situation changes from "Jane doesn't know what she's doing, that's why she's here crying to me to teach her", to "Jane is in pain and I should lend her an ear and give her a hug so that she can get back on her feet and solve her problems herself".
Or meeting someone who seems interesting and exciting, and realizing later that you didn't really get to learn much about them, because you were too wrapped up talking about yourself.
This isn't all on your shoulders. Some people actively encourage others to talk about themselves, so you might fall into a dynamic where you talk way more than you intended about yourself. Something I've found that helps in a situation like this is to prepare for the conversation/email with a few specific questions about the other person that you have to work into the conversation at some point that seems natural. You don't have to center the conversation around these topics. You just have to tell yourself that you must ask these questions at some point and that they have the floor when you've asked it. That doesn't mean you can't interject--but keep the interruption short and turn the conversation back to them "I'm sorry, I just got excited--you were saying?" instead of going on another tangent.
posted by millions of peaches at 11:38 AM on January 13, 2011
It helps to increase your respect for your friends and their ability to solve their own problems. Then your perspective of the situation changes from "Jane doesn't know what she's doing, that's why she's here crying to me to teach her", to "Jane is in pain and I should lend her an ear and give her a hug so that she can get back on her feet and solve her problems herself".
Or meeting someone who seems interesting and exciting, and realizing later that you didn't really get to learn much about them, because you were too wrapped up talking about yourself.
This isn't all on your shoulders. Some people actively encourage others to talk about themselves, so you might fall into a dynamic where you talk way more than you intended about yourself. Something I've found that helps in a situation like this is to prepare for the conversation/email with a few specific questions about the other person that you have to work into the conversation at some point that seems natural. You don't have to center the conversation around these topics. You just have to tell yourself that you must ask these questions at some point and that they have the floor when you've asked it. That doesn't mean you can't interject--but keep the interruption short and turn the conversation back to them "I'm sorry, I just got excited--you were saying?" instead of going on another tangent.
posted by millions of peaches at 11:38 AM on January 13, 2011
While I consider myself to be spiritual and not religious, I really love the St Francis Prayer for getting me out of myself and I will sometimes meditate on it. I am not sure if it is exactly what you're looking for, but this post reminds me a lot of it.
Also, to get me in a mood of of thinking of others, for a certain period of time, say a week or a month, do one thing per day to help someone without but no one can know but you. It can be as simple or difficult as you like, no one but you can know!
posted by heatherly at 1:39 PM on January 13, 2011
Also, to get me in a mood of of thinking of others, for a certain period of time, say a week or a month, do one thing per day to help someone without but no one can know but you. It can be as simple or difficult as you like, no one but you can know!
posted by heatherly at 1:39 PM on January 13, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Talking about yourself in an email on a dating site is pretty normal and expected. If you're seeing the effects of narcissism and self-absorption in other areas of your life, that's one thing, and I don't know that I can help with that, but if this is just a recurring theme on dating sites, two things might help:
1. This is a writing exercise. Don't think "I can't use 'I' to start every paragraph because it's narcissistic." Instead, think "Starting every paragraph with 'I' is boring, and I don't want to write a boring email."
2. This is a conversation. When I was on dating sites, I always imagined I was writing to someone who was either a bit shy, or who wasn't sure they were all that into me. When I got done writing an email, I'd ask myself whether or not there's something concrete they could reply to if they wanted to keep the conversation going, short of just responding to what I was telling them.
In the end, I think your proofreading did what proofreading is supposed to do, so rather than taking that as a personal failing, congratulate yourself for a) proofreading at all, but also for noticing some issues you can correct to put your best foot forward.
posted by toomuchpete at 12:00 AM on January 13, 2011