Save me from this mess
December 13, 2010 4:04 PM
My life is a bit of a mess right now but I don't know where to start to get it on an even keel. Please help me to think straight and come up with some workable solutions.
1. I want out of my twenty-year mostly sexless marriage but we can't afford to split because we're locked into a lease for another 9 months. He doesn't know I want to leave because I dread the emotional drain of living with someone who is heartbroken.
2. Our finances are shit even though we're earning more than ever before because we're also
A. maintaining a house in the town we left 3 months ago and we can't sell it because
i. the clinically anxious 20 year old son lives there and
ii. it's going to be the place our three cats will return to when we move into lower-rent=no-pet accommodation, and
iii. the market has gone soft and the house is currently marketable for $100k less than a year ago, and
iv. we don't have any money to fix things like peeling paint all over, a grotty bathroom and a dangerous front deck, so we can't rent it out.
And
B.i. supporting a clinically anxious son who is too terrified to get a job and is costing medical bills and about to enter (expensive) psychiatric treatment and
ii. supporting a university student daughter who seems unable to attain paid employment despite very strong encouragement and no pocket money.
I tell the kids to get a job. Nothing happens. In the meantime, all the expenses mean our credit card is nearly maxed out and our savings are gone. Please assume frugal living, no smoking, no drinking, no gambling.
1. I want out of my twenty-year mostly sexless marriage but we can't afford to split because we're locked into a lease for another 9 months. He doesn't know I want to leave because I dread the emotional drain of living with someone who is heartbroken.
2. Our finances are shit even though we're earning more than ever before because we're also
A. maintaining a house in the town we left 3 months ago and we can't sell it because
i. the clinically anxious 20 year old son lives there and
ii. it's going to be the place our three cats will return to when we move into lower-rent=no-pet accommodation, and
iii. the market has gone soft and the house is currently marketable for $100k less than a year ago, and
iv. we don't have any money to fix things like peeling paint all over, a grotty bathroom and a dangerous front deck, so we can't rent it out.
And
B.i. supporting a clinically anxious son who is too terrified to get a job and is costing medical bills and about to enter (expensive) psychiatric treatment and
ii. supporting a university student daughter who seems unable to attain paid employment despite very strong encouragement and no pocket money.
I tell the kids to get a job. Nothing happens. In the meantime, all the expenses mean our credit card is nearly maxed out and our savings are gone. Please assume frugal living, no smoking, no drinking, no gambling.
OK. You've identified and organised the problems which suggests you're already thinking pretty clearly - probably more clearly than you think.
In your shoes, my first step would be to address the marital situation. You dread the emotional drain of living with your husband post-break-up, but you're right now living with the emotional drain of that dread and that inevitable ending drawing nearer. I'd bite the bullet and sort it out now. It will set changes in motion and should ease the dread. Your husband's reaction may be difficult, but it will also be temporary, and the sooner it happens the sooner it will be resolved and you can both start to move on.
You have two properties. Assuming that work commute permits this, could one of you can stay in the leased accommodation, the other return to the family home and live with the son? This in turn would give him some more support and allow you to work with him on a plan to ease him back into employment (slowly and gradually) as part of his recovery.
Your daughter is currently a student. Are there any possible reductions in her living expenses/allowance? Could you ask her to explore the possibility of hardship funds/loans from her university?
Good luck.
posted by Franny26 at 4:19 PM on December 13, 2010
In your shoes, my first step would be to address the marital situation. You dread the emotional drain of living with your husband post-break-up, but you're right now living with the emotional drain of that dread and that inevitable ending drawing nearer. I'd bite the bullet and sort it out now. It will set changes in motion and should ease the dread. Your husband's reaction may be difficult, but it will also be temporary, and the sooner it happens the sooner it will be resolved and you can both start to move on.
You have two properties. Assuming that work commute permits this, could one of you can stay in the leased accommodation, the other return to the family home and live with the son? This in turn would give him some more support and allow you to work with him on a plan to ease him back into employment (slowly and gradually) as part of his recovery.
Your daughter is currently a student. Are there any possible reductions in her living expenses/allowance? Could you ask her to explore the possibility of hardship funds/loans from her university?
Good luck.
posted by Franny26 at 4:19 PM on December 13, 2010
Can you have a confidential conversation with the rental owner and see about exiting your lease early?
You could cite severe personal and financial hardship and decline to elaborate. The owner may be extremely understanding and avoid prying about the specific details of your situation if you are sincere and request privacy.
posted by jbenben at 4:20 PM on December 13, 2010
You could cite severe personal and financial hardship and decline to elaborate. The owner may be extremely understanding and avoid prying about the specific details of your situation if you are sincere and request privacy.
posted by jbenben at 4:20 PM on December 13, 2010
The son doesn't have a job, so doesn't need to be in that location. Get him to move in with his dad, and you move into the other house.
posted by lollusc at 4:22 PM on December 13, 2010
posted by lollusc at 4:22 PM on December 13, 2010
Alternatively if the son continues to live in that house, how about he does some renovations (at least stripping the paint and repainting) in exchange for his free board?
posted by lollusc at 4:23 PM on December 13, 2010
posted by lollusc at 4:23 PM on December 13, 2010
Both of my parents had middle class jobs their whole lives, and got a raw deal on the housing market, coupled with some obcenely high interest rates in the 80s (Canada). They made it clear to me that once I turned 18, I could still live at home, but I had to pay room and board. I left pretty shortly after that. I worked my way through my undergraduate, and had to take out some fairly massive student debt for the masters degree. Was this often quite crappy? Hell yes. There were months where ramen noodles would have been a luxury.
If you can't afford to pay for something, then you can't pay for it. That is that.
I don't mean to belittle "clinical anxiousness". But you need to let your kids become adults. Get your son out of the old place and sell it. It is irresponsible to let him make that decision for you. Tell your daughter that starting in the New Year, you can't give her any more money and that she needs to figure it out on her own.
Seriously not trying to sound like Aynn Rand here..
posted by dobie at 4:24 PM on December 13, 2010
If you can't afford to pay for something, then you can't pay for it. That is that.
I don't mean to belittle "clinical anxiousness". But you need to let your kids become adults. Get your son out of the old place and sell it. It is irresponsible to let him make that decision for you. Tell your daughter that starting in the New Year, you can't give her any more money and that she needs to figure it out on her own.
Seriously not trying to sound like Aynn Rand here..
posted by dobie at 4:24 PM on December 13, 2010
I think you have to level with your partner. He deserves to know that you want out. Can he and the cats move into the house with the son, and work on getting it ready to sell or rent? Industry cures melancholy. Son should get therapy, treatment, and investigate disability benefits.
Daughter needs to explore work-study, part-time and/or other work. No pocket money, not your problem.
Can you sub-let your place? Can you get a roommate to help with rent if you can move husband?
If money problems vanished overnight, could you work on getting your marriage back on track? It's easy for romance/passion/sexytime to go away when the wolf's at the door, but it doesn't have to be permanent.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:16 PM on December 13, 2010
Daughter needs to explore work-study, part-time and/or other work. No pocket money, not your problem.
Can you sub-let your place? Can you get a roommate to help with rent if you can move husband?
If money problems vanished overnight, could you work on getting your marriage back on track? It's easy for romance/passion/sexytime to go away when the wolf's at the door, but it doesn't have to be permanent.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:16 PM on December 13, 2010
I was going to write what Dobie wrote but my browser closed unexpectedly and Dobie's answer is better than mine was, anyway.
FWIW, though...
1. Cut the cord with both your son and daughter, and do not let them guilt you into taking care of them. They're adults. They need to be self-sufficient, and neither will benefit if you continue to enable them. Don't pay for your daughter's university. Don't let your son stay in your house rent-free. Each time you give in to their whining, their anxiety, their excuses and their laziness, you are allowing them to become even more set in their ways and doing them an incredible disservice. Tough love is still love; it's just the kind that toughens, rather than enables. Your children will be better for it. You just have to be firm with both them, and yourself. Your husband MUST AGREE and employ the same tactics as you for this to work. A front divided will destroy. You must find a way to work together on this, which is why you should also...
2. Talk to your partner and let him know where you stand on all fronts (marriage, house, finances, children). You and he will need to work together, as hard as it's going to be, to create a workable plan of action that will guide your actions and endeavors for the next 6-12 months. Questions I would ask...
posted by patronuscharms at 5:36 PM on December 13, 2010
FWIW, though...
1. Cut the cord with both your son and daughter, and do not let them guilt you into taking care of them. They're adults. They need to be self-sufficient, and neither will benefit if you continue to enable them. Don't pay for your daughter's university. Don't let your son stay in your house rent-free. Each time you give in to their whining, their anxiety, their excuses and their laziness, you are allowing them to become even more set in their ways and doing them an incredible disservice. Tough love is still love; it's just the kind that toughens, rather than enables. Your children will be better for it. You just have to be firm with both them, and yourself. Your husband MUST AGREE and employ the same tactics as you for this to work. A front divided will destroy. You must find a way to work together on this, which is why you should also...
2. Talk to your partner and let him know where you stand on all fronts (marriage, house, finances, children). You and he will need to work together, as hard as it's going to be, to create a workable plan of action that will guide your actions and endeavors for the next 6-12 months. Questions I would ask...
- How can we continue to support each other as parental partners so that we can be consistent as we give our children the kick they need to become true, self-sufficient adults?
- What will our living arrangement look like?
- Can we afford to set aside funds for marriage counseling so that the transition from being married to being divorced is as manageable as possible?
- Where can we realistically tighten our budget and re-assess our assets so that we can make the next 9 months work?
- Now that we are going to divorce, who outside of our marriage can we depend on for emotional and psychological support?
posted by patronuscharms at 5:36 PM on December 13, 2010
You need to tell your husband. This requires his input and none of the strategies here are possible without his consent.
You need to take control of your life. None of us can do it for you and it starts with everyone facing the truth about your marriage.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:53 PM on December 13, 2010
You need to take control of your life. None of us can do it for you and it starts with everyone facing the truth about your marriage.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:53 PM on December 13, 2010
Don't pay for your daughter's university...you are allowing them to become even more set in their ways and doing them an incredible disservice.
I disagree with this. In America, there is an expectation that the family will contribute to the cost of education built in to the federal student aid system. Unless she is old enough to file independently (and she isn't, unless she's a non-traditional student), her parents' financial situation determines the amount of aid she receives whether or not they pony up. Even if she's working, she's still in a rough economy with only a high school diploma, and likely outcomes include leaving school without a degree or taking on expensive private loans to stay in school.
posted by pullayup at 6:12 PM on December 13, 2010
I disagree with this. In America, there is an expectation that the family will contribute to the cost of education built in to the federal student aid system. Unless she is old enough to file independently (and she isn't, unless she's a non-traditional student), her parents' financial situation determines the amount of aid she receives whether or not they pony up. Even if she's working, she's still in a rough economy with only a high school diploma, and likely outcomes include leaving school without a degree or taking on expensive private loans to stay in school.
posted by pullayup at 6:12 PM on December 13, 2010
Pullayup, I don't want to derail the conversation because ultimately the OP was not asking specifically about her daughter and her daughter's college education, but to me, even a 20 year old is capable of working with their parents to make college a reality. Shit happens. The economy tanks. College funds that once existed disappear. My sophomore year, my parents informed me that there was no way I could continue going to college unless I took it upon myself to fund my housing so that we would not be drained $20k per year. It was hard. It made me painfully aware of how privileged I am as a white, middle class female. But I did it, and I feel a thousand times more amazing and responsible for having gone through with taking my life into my own hands. The OP's daughter needs to come to terms with the fact that she must be able to fend for herself, and now is as good a time as any to drop her into the deep end of adulthood and get her to figure stuff out. She could go to her financial aid office and talk to the advisers there, and it is possible her school could provide her with more financial aid as an independent, something nearly half of my friends did when they were cut off by their parents. Only the OP will know what their family can realistically do. My original comment was coming solely from the perspective that children who are unwittingly allowed to become too dependent can definitely benefit from a good, hard drop into reality.
posted by patronuscharms at 6:25 PM on December 13, 2010
posted by patronuscharms at 6:25 PM on December 13, 2010
You are making more money now, presumably because you moved to a different town for (a) better job(s)? After the cost of maintaining two households, are you really making more money?
At this point, you need to commit to something. The jobs and sell the house, or the house and dump the jobs. Each option hurts and will cost money, but doing nothing is costing you more money.
Daughter needs a come to jesus conversation. Gotta work at least a little bit. Perhaps refile her FAFSA to reflect your current financial situation; she might get more aid. Seems like the son will be getting what he needs. (Assuming this is real, and not a way to dodge real life for a while.) Get him on social security- he's an adult who is unable to work, that's what it is for. If he doesn't qualify medically, maybe whatever his treatment is isn't working. Anxiety is fixable, but not if he is unwilling to want to try.
You need to take control of your life. None of us can do it for you and it starts with everyone facing the truth about your marriage.
The opposite could also be true. That the marriage is weak because life is hard. Focus on making life more tolerable and the marriage might bounce back. You never can tell.
posted by gjc at 7:17 PM on December 13, 2010
At this point, you need to commit to something. The jobs and sell the house, or the house and dump the jobs. Each option hurts and will cost money, but doing nothing is costing you more money.
Daughter needs a come to jesus conversation. Gotta work at least a little bit. Perhaps refile her FAFSA to reflect your current financial situation; she might get more aid. Seems like the son will be getting what he needs. (Assuming this is real, and not a way to dodge real life for a while.) Get him on social security- he's an adult who is unable to work, that's what it is for. If he doesn't qualify medically, maybe whatever his treatment is isn't working. Anxiety is fixable, but not if he is unwilling to want to try.
You need to take control of your life. None of us can do it for you and it starts with everyone facing the truth about your marriage.
The opposite could also be true. That the marriage is weak because life is hard. Focus on making life more tolerable and the marriage might bounce back. You never can tell.
posted by gjc at 7:17 PM on December 13, 2010
The economy tanks. College funds that once existed disappear. My sophomore year, my parents informed me that there was no way I could continue going to college unless I took it upon myself to fund my housing so that we would not be drained $20k per year.
Well, my point is that the state of the parents' finances matters, but we don't really know what they are. If their financial situation really is dire, the aid that the daughter is eligible for will reflect that--she'll have expanded access to grants, federal student loans, and probably aid from the school itself. However, the poster notes that their "finances are shit even though we're earning more than ever before," which suggests that this might not be the case.
posted by pullayup at 7:54 PM on December 13, 2010
Well, my point is that the state of the parents' finances matters, but we don't really know what they are. If their financial situation really is dire, the aid that the daughter is eligible for will reflect that--she'll have expanded access to grants, federal student loans, and probably aid from the school itself. However, the poster notes that their "finances are shit even though we're earning more than ever before," which suggests that this might not be the case.
posted by pullayup at 7:54 PM on December 13, 2010
You and your husband sell the house your son is living in, even at a loss.
Son and cats get their own apartment. Son is not in school? He gets a job. He can get a low-stress job without much face-to-face interaction. He can stay on your medical insurance in order to get counseling and medication, but he gets a job and a place, and takes the cats. (Cats will be good for him, anyway)
Daughter in college is not a problem and is worth supporting (she already has no pocket money so I assume you mean tution/basic living) unless you want her to drop out of school. Loans are calculated based on parents income, not their expenses. Also, and this may be controversial, it's just the right thing to do, IMO. It is not unreasonable for her to get a part-time job and pay you back some of the expenses, though.
After all this works out, you and husband discuss your marriage, sell your current place, and maybe live separately.
I disagree that you should adress the marriage first. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Mefi tends to be very "cut and run as soon as you aren't feeling it" but I disagree that this applies to long-term marriages.
posted by Nixy at 9:48 PM on December 13, 2010
Son and cats get their own apartment. Son is not in school? He gets a job. He can get a low-stress job without much face-to-face interaction. He can stay on your medical insurance in order to get counseling and medication, but he gets a job and a place, and takes the cats. (Cats will be good for him, anyway)
Daughter in college is not a problem and is worth supporting (she already has no pocket money so I assume you mean tution/basic living) unless you want her to drop out of school. Loans are calculated based on parents income, not their expenses. Also, and this may be controversial, it's just the right thing to do, IMO. It is not unreasonable for her to get a part-time job and pay you back some of the expenses, though.
After all this works out, you and husband discuss your marriage, sell your current place, and maybe live separately.
I disagree that you should adress the marriage first. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Mefi tends to be very "cut and run as soon as you aren't feeling it" but I disagree that this applies to long-term marriages.
posted by Nixy at 9:48 PM on December 13, 2010
I would try to get out of that lease if I really wanted out. Many landlords would give a hardship exemption. They don't want someone living there who can't really pay rent and/or feels bitterly about their living situation.
Who do you know who would take your cats? Meow. Maybe your son as Nixy suggested? Cats are amazing, but don't let them stop you. Maybe take them with you to your new apartment?
Can your son pay rent or take on roommates?
posted by salvia at 12:35 AM on December 14, 2010
Who do you know who would take your cats? Meow. Maybe your son as Nixy suggested? Cats are amazing, but don't let them stop you. Maybe take them with you to your new apartment?
Can your son pay rent or take on roommates?
posted by salvia at 12:35 AM on December 14, 2010
I want out of my twenty-year mostly sexless marriage but we can't afford to split because we're locked into a lease for another 9 months.
A lease is not a reason to stay in a marriage. Hell, a lease is barely a reason to stay in an apartment - if you came here saying you had bedbugs or something, people would have suggestions for how you could break your lease. Are both your names on it? Are you on good terms with your landlord? Is it a nice apartment? Because a lot of landlords will let you out of a lease if you find them a new tenant - they get to raise the rent and they don't have to worry about having the apartment vacant. Seriously, if you want out of your marriage, don't let something like an apartment lease stop you. People break leases all the time.
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:32 AM on December 14, 2010
A lease is not a reason to stay in a marriage. Hell, a lease is barely a reason to stay in an apartment - if you came here saying you had bedbugs or something, people would have suggestions for how you could break your lease. Are both your names on it? Are you on good terms with your landlord? Is it a nice apartment? Because a lot of landlords will let you out of a lease if you find them a new tenant - they get to raise the rent and they don't have to worry about having the apartment vacant. Seriously, if you want out of your marriage, don't let something like an apartment lease stop you. People break leases all the time.
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:32 AM on December 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by xingcat at 4:17 PM on December 13, 2010