Financial chaos in determining custody
September 13, 2010 10:30 AM Subscribe
Financial chaos causing divorce. Primary custody vs joint. What is best?
My DH is causing us so much financial chaos (amongst other things) and I can't take it anymore. I thought I could handle it/everything was going to be ok when it was just us. But now that we have an infant child and I see none of it changing but getting worse, I just don't think it's fair to be in an environment of unhappiness and fighting. His business is a non-stop wheel of profit paying some bills, other bills going into defaut, loans to pay off default bills don't cover squat, back to debt on cards, etc. And he's too stubborn to do anything or see any of it. I'm not saying he's not trying but it's truly spinning his wheels. When you can't pay your bills, clients are defaulting on payment or late, vendors are not giving what you wanted but want their money AND you can't even take care of ONE joint bill like paying our child's school bill, there is a significant problem. I've mentioned to him going back to school, getting a job that has 3 shifts so he can keep this business but still earn a guaranteed paycheck and it's non-stop no and excuse of "this economy". But I"ve been hearing "this economy" or some other excuse like "I can't make people pay" (and seen him lose thousands of dollars--OUR money, not even separated business money) that I'm now in red flag mode.
If he can't even pay bills now with me paying for 98% of everything, how the hell is he going to afford an apartment, bills, this business AND 20% child support. He can't afford healthcare, benefits, retirement, etc. He's constantly in the red or worse.
So I want primary physical custody as a means to provide a financially stable environment as well as a safe environment because if he can't afford squat I'm guessing questionable apartment neighborhood and/or roommate and his choices of roommates are potheads or dable in other. I do NOT want our child around that environment.
I'm fine on joint decisions. I want him in our child's life. Our child loves him (but leans towards me). He's hardly around though anyway. He's either working, texting all the time to friends, or out socializing 3 nights a week or more. Our child asks for him and he's not around. If he's Mr. Social, I also see it as he can see our son but he has no stability to provide him. He can't pay the tuition but he can go out 3 nights a week. It's a huge slap in my face. It's a huge slap in our child's face that he can't man-up and be financially responsible instead of selfish with whining that he can't afford to go out one night a week (but finds a way).
He does not want this divorce. In my eyes I think it's primarily because his meal ticket is going to end. I know he loves me but I think in a way that is not husband/wife. I'm a "mother" to more than our child. He does not want to split time with our child but with our schedules and his socialization, we're doing it anyway so I rather find a schedule that nearly matches what we have now. No one will notice the difference.
In this circumstance of financial distress, instability, and best interest of our child, would primary physical in favor of myself and joint on decisions be outlandish to ask for?
My DH is causing us so much financial chaos (amongst other things) and I can't take it anymore. I thought I could handle it/everything was going to be ok when it was just us. But now that we have an infant child and I see none of it changing but getting worse, I just don't think it's fair to be in an environment of unhappiness and fighting. His business is a non-stop wheel of profit paying some bills, other bills going into defaut, loans to pay off default bills don't cover squat, back to debt on cards, etc. And he's too stubborn to do anything or see any of it. I'm not saying he's not trying but it's truly spinning his wheels. When you can't pay your bills, clients are defaulting on payment or late, vendors are not giving what you wanted but want their money AND you can't even take care of ONE joint bill like paying our child's school bill, there is a significant problem. I've mentioned to him going back to school, getting a job that has 3 shifts so he can keep this business but still earn a guaranteed paycheck and it's non-stop no and excuse of "this economy". But I"ve been hearing "this economy" or some other excuse like "I can't make people pay" (and seen him lose thousands of dollars--OUR money, not even separated business money) that I'm now in red flag mode.
If he can't even pay bills now with me paying for 98% of everything, how the hell is he going to afford an apartment, bills, this business AND 20% child support. He can't afford healthcare, benefits, retirement, etc. He's constantly in the red or worse.
So I want primary physical custody as a means to provide a financially stable environment as well as a safe environment because if he can't afford squat I'm guessing questionable apartment neighborhood and/or roommate and his choices of roommates are potheads or dable in other. I do NOT want our child around that environment.
I'm fine on joint decisions. I want him in our child's life. Our child loves him (but leans towards me). He's hardly around though anyway. He's either working, texting all the time to friends, or out socializing 3 nights a week or more. Our child asks for him and he's not around. If he's Mr. Social, I also see it as he can see our son but he has no stability to provide him. He can't pay the tuition but he can go out 3 nights a week. It's a huge slap in my face. It's a huge slap in our child's face that he can't man-up and be financially responsible instead of selfish with whining that he can't afford to go out one night a week (but finds a way).
He does not want this divorce. In my eyes I think it's primarily because his meal ticket is going to end. I know he loves me but I think in a way that is not husband/wife. I'm a "mother" to more than our child. He does not want to split time with our child but with our schedules and his socialization, we're doing it anyway so I rather find a schedule that nearly matches what we have now. No one will notice the difference.
In this circumstance of financial distress, instability, and best interest of our child, would primary physical in favor of myself and joint on decisions be outlandish to ask for?
In this circumstance of financial distress, instability, and best interest of our child, would primary physical in favor of myself and joint on decisions be outlandish to ask for?
Well, it sounds entirely reasonable to me.
But - and I'm sure you know this - you need a lawyer. If you don't know exactly what kind of lawyer, or how to find one, read the excellent write-up on MeFi's wiki.
posted by rtha at 10:54 AM on September 13, 2010
Well, it sounds entirely reasonable to me.
But - and I'm sure you know this - you need a lawyer. If you don't know exactly what kind of lawyer, or how to find one, read the excellent write-up on MeFi's wiki.
posted by rtha at 10:54 AM on September 13, 2010
First, I am not your lawyer, and this is not legal advice.
Take an emotional step back. These are questions for when the lawyer is retained.
If you are 100% sure you want the divorce, contact a lawyer and discuss it with him or her.
You don't want to use the joint/primary custody decision as a club in current emotional arguments with your husband. That is determined way farther in the process and there are so many jurisdiction and even judge-specific issues, we can't even begin to know what is right for you in what is an essentially legal decision.
I understand your deep exasperation. However, your question is as much ally-seeking as it is asking what to do. Resist the temptation to find allies if you are ready for the divorce. Just meet with an attorney.
The problem is you are still mad and an attorney is the one to help take the emotion out of the equation.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:01 AM on September 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
Take an emotional step back. These are questions for when the lawyer is retained.
If you are 100% sure you want the divorce, contact a lawyer and discuss it with him or her.
You don't want to use the joint/primary custody decision as a club in current emotional arguments with your husband. That is determined way farther in the process and there are so many jurisdiction and even judge-specific issues, we can't even begin to know what is right for you in what is an essentially legal decision.
I understand your deep exasperation. However, your question is as much ally-seeking as it is asking what to do. Resist the temptation to find allies if you are ready for the divorce. Just meet with an attorney.
The problem is you are still mad and an attorney is the one to help take the emotion out of the equation.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:01 AM on September 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
Thirding your need for a lawyer. My parents did their divorce through mediation, but you are pretty clearly not heading in that direction and even then they had a professional guiding them.
I can tell you that in some places you just aren't going to get full physical and legal custody. You are in messy variables land here. This is why divorce lawyers exist.
posted by SMPA at 11:09 AM on September 13, 2010
I can tell you that in some places you just aren't going to get full physical and legal custody. You are in messy variables land here. This is why divorce lawyers exist.
posted by SMPA at 11:09 AM on September 13, 2010
The sole reason you've given for him being an unfit custodial parent is that his business is in trouble. The conditions you describe don't just happen to irresponsible people. A lot of businesses are failing these days despite best efforts and responsible conduct.
Sounds to me like this is all your way of rationalizing something else. But no, you don't get to keep the kid because he's bad with money. And don't pretend you want that for the kid's interest only.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:13 AM on September 13, 2010
Sounds to me like this is all your way of rationalizing something else. But no, you don't get to keep the kid because he's bad with money. And don't pretend you want that for the kid's interest only.
posted by fourcheesemac at 11:13 AM on September 13, 2010
You have an infant. You are very hurt, angry, and most likely very tired. Life is very chaotic right now, even aside from your husband's business.
You are asking about primary vs joint custody, but that seems quite a few steps down the road from where you are right now. But I do think right now, the best person to help you work through these issues is ... a therapist. Yes, it's the AskMeFi cliche, but a good counselor can sit with you, and perhaps you and your husband, and help you make sure this is the very best decision for you and your child. He or she won't necessarily steer you away from divorce. But he or she can help you make the best decision.
Once you have a child, it's about more than just you, so taking some time to make a slow decision may be in your child's best interest.
Good luck. You sound very hurt.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:17 AM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are asking about primary vs joint custody, but that seems quite a few steps down the road from where you are right now. But I do think right now, the best person to help you work through these issues is ... a therapist. Yes, it's the AskMeFi cliche, but a good counselor can sit with you, and perhaps you and your husband, and help you make sure this is the very best decision for you and your child. He or she won't necessarily steer you away from divorce. But he or she can help you make the best decision.
Once you have a child, it's about more than just you, so taking some time to make a slow decision may be in your child's best interest.
Good luck. You sound very hurt.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:17 AM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your desire to punish your husband is perfectly understandable, but it is not in the best interest of your child.
Find an attorney, but choose one wisely. You sound like you're in an adversarial mood, and if you go with an especially adversarial attorney, your child will suffer, and your finances will be much worse than they are now.
posted by anapestic at 11:23 AM on September 13, 2010
Find an attorney, but choose one wisely. You sound like you're in an adversarial mood, and if you go with an especially adversarial attorney, your child will suffer, and your finances will be much worse than they are now.
posted by anapestic at 11:23 AM on September 13, 2010
The problem is you are still mad and an attorney is the one to help take the emotion out of the equation.
This is excellent advice. That and the old Ann Landers adage "Are you better with him or without him?" which i think you have already answered. But keep in mind when hiring an attorney that you don't want to rant to the attorney, you need to keep your wits about you and realize that the attorney is billing by the hour (some attorneys will do flat fee divorces but I can't imagine one that would in a contentious situation like this) and you have to use that time wisely. Concentrate on the end result you need to have, safety and security for you and your child and work towards that end. Avoid getting caught up in things you cannot change i.e. your husband's behavior.
Good luck!
posted by readery at 11:26 AM on September 13, 2010
This is excellent advice. That and the old Ann Landers adage "Are you better with him or without him?" which i think you have already answered. But keep in mind when hiring an attorney that you don't want to rant to the attorney, you need to keep your wits about you and realize that the attorney is billing by the hour (some attorneys will do flat fee divorces but I can't imagine one that would in a contentious situation like this) and you have to use that time wisely. Concentrate on the end result you need to have, safety and security for you and your child and work towards that end. Avoid getting caught up in things you cannot change i.e. your husband's behavior.
Good luck!
posted by readery at 11:26 AM on September 13, 2010
If finances are your only problem, then being a single parent with a spouse who can't pay child support and a new infant is going to leave you in an even worse position. You sound like an exhausted new mom with a lot of outside stressors (money, a husband who is going out and leaving you at home with the baby, etc). I would suggest attending a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course with your husband first (offered at many churches, go to www.daveramsey.com), and get some marriage counseling and then if you still want to file for divorce, find an attorney who can advise you of all of the details of a divorce (FYI...in our area, custody is almost always joint custody which is a big change over just a couple of decades ago as judges are much more likely now to protect both parents rights to actually parent their child and not just dump the kid on one parent).
posted by MsKim at 11:54 AM on September 13, 2010
posted by MsKim at 11:54 AM on September 13, 2010
I would just like to point out that you're making a lot of assumptions about what kind of parent your husband will be after a divorce, and that these are not warranted. While it's very reasonable to feel that the way things are now, he's not pulling his weight as a parent, a divorce can change a lot of things. In some cases, when the more hands-off parent faces the possibility of losing his (or her) relationship with the child because of a divorce, it serves as a wake-up call, and he (or she) works hard to develop new ways of relating to and caring for the child to avoid that. It's also possible that without you to serve as a financial safety net, your husband will find ways to make himself more financially secure. Obviously these are just possibilities, but so is the one you present in your question. You're imagining his post-divorce life as if the only change will be the lack of you, but for better or worse this will be accompanied by a lot of other changes as well, which are much less predictable.
Also, how well you can get along with your husband after the divorce, and how respectful you can be of his relationship with your child, will be much more important for the child's well being than the details of the custody arrangement. Parental conflict is much more damaging to children than living in a crappy apartment is. Divorce is difficult and painful for all involved, but as a parent, it's important to keep in mind that in the long run, what will make your child's life better is not winning a court battle, but emerging from it able to make decisions with your ex in a positive way, or even just being able to talk about him without getting angry.
posted by unsub at 11:59 AM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Also, how well you can get along with your husband after the divorce, and how respectful you can be of his relationship with your child, will be much more important for the child's well being than the details of the custody arrangement. Parental conflict is much more damaging to children than living in a crappy apartment is. Divorce is difficult and painful for all involved, but as a parent, it's important to keep in mind that in the long run, what will make your child's life better is not winning a court battle, but emerging from it able to make decisions with your ex in a positive way, or even just being able to talk about him without getting angry.
posted by unsub at 11:59 AM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Would he (and you) be willing to sit down with a financial counselor? Even if you end up divorcing, a 3rd party might be a way to bring home the reality of your finances--both household and business.
He can get clients to pay by taking them to small claims court. If no one will pay up, and bills are looming, can/would he file for bankruptcy?
I think that he might be out of the house because he's ashamed. Men, usually, feel very guilty and ashamed when they can't provide for their family. Rather than try to be useful by doing chores, clipping coupons to save money, etc., (which is what women do), they seem to avoid the place where they feel inadequate.
If he agreed to cut his losses with the business and be the SAHParent, would that work for you both? If he's at home full time, would you need the school? Can you all exist on one salary?
If you do divorce, and even will full custody, you could end up paying him spousal support. Think carefully about your options.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:13 PM on September 13, 2010
He can get clients to pay by taking them to small claims court. If no one will pay up, and bills are looming, can/would he file for bankruptcy?
I think that he might be out of the house because he's ashamed. Men, usually, feel very guilty and ashamed when they can't provide for their family. Rather than try to be useful by doing chores, clipping coupons to save money, etc., (which is what women do), they seem to avoid the place where they feel inadequate.
If he agreed to cut his losses with the business and be the SAHParent, would that work for you both? If he's at home full time, would you need the school? Can you all exist on one salary?
If you do divorce, and even will full custody, you could end up paying him spousal support. Think carefully about your options.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:13 PM on September 13, 2010
I would recommend that you both retain a lawyer and ask to have this question deleted if there's any way your soon-to-be ex could link this to you.
I can understand your frustration and helplessness, but this post is mostly, as noted above, a litany of complaints and a call for allies, neither of which is going to actually help you through the divorce process.
Also, you seem, in the midst of your frustration, to be concerning yourself more with
problems (like his friends that you don't like) that are a nuisance to you as you decide on this custody issue than problems that actually pose a threat to your child.
Realize that you are too close to this situation to think rationally just now, consult a lawyer, and try to refrain from airing and posting diatribes like this which could only serve to work against you in the long run if your identity became known.
TL;DR: clam up and consult a professional.
posted by misha at 12:21 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can understand your frustration and helplessness, but this post is mostly, as noted above, a litany of complaints and a call for allies, neither of which is going to actually help you through the divorce process.
Also, you seem, in the midst of your frustration, to be concerning yourself more with
problems (like his friends that you don't like) that are a nuisance to you as you decide on this custody issue than problems that actually pose a threat to your child.
Realize that you are too close to this situation to think rationally just now, consult a lawyer, and try to refrain from airing and posting diatribes like this which could only serve to work against you in the long run if your identity became known.
TL;DR: clam up and consult a professional.
posted by misha at 12:21 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
You definitely need a lawyer. One thing you may not have considered is that because you are the primary wage earner in your family, your husband may be entitled to alimony. Child care costs may balance this out, but you just won't know all of your rights until you consult with one. I suggested talking to one before you mention any of this to your husband. There are many many variables that could affect the outcome and it's a good idea to at least have a handle on them before you move forward.
posted by Kimberly at 12:22 PM on September 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Kimberly at 12:22 PM on September 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
The court does not decide custody based on ability to pay bills.
I was in your shoes, with a young child and a husband who had good intentions, but who could never chip in on shared expenses. Stop paying his share. He'll figure it out on his own. We got divorced, and the daycare hounded me about his half of the bill. I simply told them that when Hubster came in w/ the kiddo, they should tell him, and that if they wanted to decline to provide care, that was up to them. He found the money to pay. He found the money for an apartment, electric bills, food, dating, and his car. And new equipment for his job and hobbies. He never found the money for his share of our child's health insurance, books, birthday parties, clothes and other expenses.
Stop paying his share. He'll figure it out on his own.
I had physical custody, with shared parental rights & responsibilities. If he's a good dad, do your absolute best to make sure he has plenty of access to his child, and to nurture the relationship. It's about what's best for the child. This is true in reality, and is also how courts see it.
posted by theora55 at 12:43 PM on September 13, 2010
I was in your shoes, with a young child and a husband who had good intentions, but who could never chip in on shared expenses. Stop paying his share. He'll figure it out on his own. We got divorced, and the daycare hounded me about his half of the bill. I simply told them that when Hubster came in w/ the kiddo, they should tell him, and that if they wanted to decline to provide care, that was up to them. He found the money to pay. He found the money for an apartment, electric bills, food, dating, and his car. And new equipment for his job and hobbies. He never found the money for his share of our child's health insurance, books, birthday parties, clothes and other expenses.
Stop paying his share. He'll figure it out on his own.
I had physical custody, with shared parental rights & responsibilities. If he's a good dad, do your absolute best to make sure he has plenty of access to his child, and to nurture the relationship. It's about what's best for the child. This is true in reality, and is also how courts see it.
posted by theora55 at 12:43 PM on September 13, 2010
Speaking as a child who grew up (4 and up) with separated, then divorced parents, joint custody can really stink for kids, particularly if the parents are incapable of working with one another. My mother stated that she knew she'd made the wrong choice when, in 3rd grade, my school called her & told her I was in hysterics over being asked to draw a picture of "home." My vote will always be for ONE home base for the child, and the other parent gets visit. It stinks to be the "other" parent. But it stinks to be ping pong ball for your entire recollectable life, too. Stability is really important for little kids.
Oh, and since both parents moved twice between the divorce and 5th grade, I lost my home 4 times. I'm not bitter or anything. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR KID NEEDS!
posted by Ys at 12:49 PM on September 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oh, and since both parents moved twice between the divorce and 5th grade, I lost my home 4 times. I'm not bitter or anything. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR KID NEEDS!
posted by Ys at 12:49 PM on September 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Mod note: few comments removed - people with removed comments check your memail please
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:28 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:28 PM on September 13, 2010
Many parents face financial struggles after divorce, but one should exercise great caution in using finances as a primary determinant of custody.
If you think about it historically, it was quite common for stay-at-home moms with limited job experience to find themselves having to support themselves post-divorce on child support and perhaps temporary spousal support that come nowhere near sufficient to maintain them in the lifestyle to which they had become accustomed. I have participated in online divorce support networks for over a decade, and I have seen many divorced parents anguish over having no choice but to live in small apartments, in dicey neighborhoods, taking in roommates, etc. None of these things should be automatic barriers to shared custody.
I'm also a little confused as to what either of you are expecting/hoping for in terms of custody--you say he "doesn't want to split time with the child" but that with your current schedules you are doing so anyhow, and you hope to find an arrangement that matches what you're doing now. Do you mean you are hoping that he will care for the child during the day and that you will have primary/overnight custody (perhaps with standard weekend visitation)? Has he indicated an interest in shared physical custody? Does he even know that you are contemplating divorce? It sounds like you're perhaps crossing some bridges before you get to them; if what you've indicated is true, he may not even be interested in sharing routine overnight custody of an infant.
In addition to consulting a lawyer and feeling out your husband about what he even expects in terms of post-divorce custody, you might do a little reading on parenting post-divorce: Mom's House/Dad's House and the Co-Parenting Survival Guide are good places to start.
posted by drlith at 6:26 AM on September 14, 2010
If you think about it historically, it was quite common for stay-at-home moms with limited job experience to find themselves having to support themselves post-divorce on child support and perhaps temporary spousal support that come nowhere near sufficient to maintain them in the lifestyle to which they had become accustomed. I have participated in online divorce support networks for over a decade, and I have seen many divorced parents anguish over having no choice but to live in small apartments, in dicey neighborhoods, taking in roommates, etc. None of these things should be automatic barriers to shared custody.
I'm also a little confused as to what either of you are expecting/hoping for in terms of custody--you say he "doesn't want to split time with the child" but that with your current schedules you are doing so anyhow, and you hope to find an arrangement that matches what you're doing now. Do you mean you are hoping that he will care for the child during the day and that you will have primary/overnight custody (perhaps with standard weekend visitation)? Has he indicated an interest in shared physical custody? Does he even know that you are contemplating divorce? It sounds like you're perhaps crossing some bridges before you get to them; if what you've indicated is true, he may not even be interested in sharing routine overnight custody of an infant.
In addition to consulting a lawyer and feeling out your husband about what he even expects in terms of post-divorce custody, you might do a little reading on parenting post-divorce: Mom's House/Dad's House and the Co-Parenting Survival Guide are good places to start.
posted by drlith at 6:26 AM on September 14, 2010
Get a good lawyer - check around for recommendations. And remember -
1) Mom is no longer a shoo-in for primary custody these days. Joint custody is by far the norm unless one parent is a danger to the child. Financial flakiness usually doesn't count as danger.
2) On that note, the shock of divorce might just cause the husband to cowboy up finally and get his act together. Sometimes it does take a figurative smack upside the head. Until then, mom shouldn't worry about dangerous neighborhoods, pot-smoking roommates, and so on until there actually ARE such dangers.
3) The courts these days tend to come down like a ton of bricks on a parent who they think is trying to obstruct the child's relationship with the other parent - if mom is over-protective she might be shooting herself in the foot there. IANAL and you need to talk to a lawyer about this.
4) It's generally best, outside of abusive situations, for kids to be in contact with both parents, and definitely not be used as a football. If Dad is a flake and remains a flake, the kids usually figure it out by themselves later on.
Good luck to everyone involved!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:50 AM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) Mom is no longer a shoo-in for primary custody these days. Joint custody is by far the norm unless one parent is a danger to the child. Financial flakiness usually doesn't count as danger.
2) On that note, the shock of divorce might just cause the husband to cowboy up finally and get his act together. Sometimes it does take a figurative smack upside the head. Until then, mom shouldn't worry about dangerous neighborhoods, pot-smoking roommates, and so on until there actually ARE such dangers.
3) The courts these days tend to come down like a ton of bricks on a parent who they think is trying to obstruct the child's relationship with the other parent - if mom is over-protective she might be shooting herself in the foot there. IANAL and you need to talk to a lawyer about this.
4) It's generally best, outside of abusive situations, for kids to be in contact with both parents, and definitely not be used as a football. If Dad is a flake and remains a flake, the kids usually figure it out by themselves later on.
Good luck to everyone involved!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:50 AM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
There are trained therapists that work with couples negotiating issues around divorce that are aware of both legal and emotional realities (I have no idea if there is a specific name for them though). You might also want to look into a post-nuptial contract as a last ditch effort to get both of you back into a partnership (in addition to a therapist to help negotiate it, and the lawyer to review it, you should enlist a financial counsellor - if you have an EAP it may be free). If you don't have therapist now just for yourself you should get one. Really, you sound incredibly stressed and the best decisions really come from a place of stress.
Meanwhile, as mentioned upthread, stop funding his lifestyle and his business. See if you can structure your life so he CAN afford half - move somewhere cheaper, cut off the cell phones, sell one car etc and put your extra income (since you will be spending less) into an educational savings account for your son.
As to your custody question, where I live, on paper, joint is promoted but realistically, custody of children under twelve is almost 100% sole custody by the mother. I think this is very regional.
The best advice I have heard for getting a good divorce lawyer is to hang around family court for the day and see who the rainmakers are.
posted by saucysault at 1:41 PM on September 14, 2010
Meanwhile, as mentioned upthread, stop funding his lifestyle and his business. See if you can structure your life so he CAN afford half - move somewhere cheaper, cut off the cell phones, sell one car etc and put your extra income (since you will be spending less) into an educational savings account for your son.
As to your custody question, where I live, on paper, joint is promoted but realistically, custody of children under twelve is almost 100% sole custody by the mother. I think this is very regional.
The best advice I have heard for getting a good divorce lawyer is to hang around family court for the day and see who the rainmakers are.
posted by saucysault at 1:41 PM on September 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
There are about five hundred variables here. Most of those depend on your state's laws as to child support, legal and physical custody, and how assets and liabilities are divided in a divorce. I could tell you how it may go in my state, but that may be absolutely off base depending on where you are and other issues in the marriage.
Honestly, this is what family lawyers do all day -- take the variables and the law and help you figure out the best solution for you. Even if you can't afford to hire a lawyer to finish the divorce, a consultation may point you in the right direction. And some of us will give you an hour for free.
While I could certainly be persuaded that you would provide the best home for the kiddo, the issue is always whether the ex-to-be and the courts will agree.
posted by freshwater at 10:37 AM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]