It's Not Thanksgiving Without An Extra Helping of Guilt
November 18, 2010 10:07 PM Subscribe
How to diplomatically handle a sibling's well intentioned, but incredibly pushy friend who keeps insisting that the entire family has to attend her orphan Thanksgiving.
I've never had to negotiate the situation of whose house to go to for Thanksgiving and hurt feelings until the past year. And it's not even anybody that I'm related to, but the BFF of one of my siblings. How in the Hell should I manage a situation where somebody refuses No for an answer, but you just don't feel like you want to spend the day at their house?
I'm from a small family, adult single siblings and my father passed away in 2009. Last year's Thanksgiving was the first family holiday w/out him around and besides that weirdness, the two of us had our birthdays within a week of the holiday (I was actually born on Thanksgiving). One of my siblings has has a close friend who's nice and wants very badly to help other people. Like she volunteered to do the program for the funeral and came to help set up. Nice enough, but she also cornered me at one point before the service and started asking me a lot of really personal questions about my feelings and our family. I know the intention was she wanted to be comforting. But I really felt put on the spot having somebody I'd met 30 minutes earlier try to psychoanalyze me right before I had to give the eulogy at a family funeral.
Skip ahead to Thanksgiving of last year and I had made plans with my mother to go to the restaurant we always went to with my dad for Thanksgiving. We had a nice pre-birthday tradition of splitting a plate of oysters. I seriously looked forward to that plate of oysters every year and even with the holiday/birthday weirdness of him not being around, I was looking forward to it. Well, my sibling in the meanwhile had been invited to her BFFs house for "Orphan Thanksgiving" dinner and started insisting that we all go together. With the pitch that some person who was also going to be there had just lost a spouse and how it would be good for our (very reserved and not likely to start opening up about losing her husband to somebody she'd just met) mother to attend. Dinner reservations got cancelled, I was disappointed and then got a last minute invite to go eat at friend's house. Being around people who I actually knew (and 3 other people, not a crowd of strangers who don't all know each other) when I was already feeling sad was just more what I wanted for the day. Oh and yes, she's a great friend to my sibling but just not somebody I'm interested in hanging out with.
The end result was a big ugly argument with our poor mother stuck in the middle and my sibling still acts like she's hurt that I didn't want to go to her friend's house. And the night before and the day of, her friend called the house twice with leaving messages on the answering machine about dinner. Now, she's a great friend to my sibling and somebody who goes out of her way to help or mother other people. But with the Thanksgiving dinner (and even the psychoanalyzing incident), it's like I'm going to help you, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. I've tried explaining to my mother that I feel like it's a "We forget that what we want to do for others might not be the same as what they really need" type of sitation. It's wonderful that she offers help, but it feels like we don't have the option of saying No. I mean, I have a couple friends who've lost a parent in the past year and while I've tried to be supportive and talk to them about it, it's more like if they felt like it, I was there. This is more like not taking No for an answer.
So now it's come up again. She's asking again about Thanksgiving this year and I got a guilt trip about how I hurt my sister last year by declining the invitation. And that since I'm laid off, I should go because I could "network" with the other guests. Which feels like an extra layer of guilt on top of being told I'm an insensitive sibling. But I just really have no interest in going to this woman's house for dinner (my mother ended up going & said it was boring & she didn't really talk to anybody). Especially because Thanksgiving is just kind of a hard day for me given the family history of what it meant. But I don't want to hurt my sibling's feeling or make our mom feel like she's stuck in the middle. Unfortunately this woman lives all the way out in the country, so it's not even like I could take my car for an appearance and leave.
I've never had to negotiate the situation of whose house to go to for Thanksgiving and hurt feelings until the past year. And it's not even anybody that I'm related to, but the BFF of one of my siblings. How in the Hell should I manage a situation where somebody refuses No for an answer, but you just don't feel like you want to spend the day at their house?
I'm from a small family, adult single siblings and my father passed away in 2009. Last year's Thanksgiving was the first family holiday w/out him around and besides that weirdness, the two of us had our birthdays within a week of the holiday (I was actually born on Thanksgiving). One of my siblings has has a close friend who's nice and wants very badly to help other people. Like she volunteered to do the program for the funeral and came to help set up. Nice enough, but she also cornered me at one point before the service and started asking me a lot of really personal questions about my feelings and our family. I know the intention was she wanted to be comforting. But I really felt put on the spot having somebody I'd met 30 minutes earlier try to psychoanalyze me right before I had to give the eulogy at a family funeral.
Skip ahead to Thanksgiving of last year and I had made plans with my mother to go to the restaurant we always went to with my dad for Thanksgiving. We had a nice pre-birthday tradition of splitting a plate of oysters. I seriously looked forward to that plate of oysters every year and even with the holiday/birthday weirdness of him not being around, I was looking forward to it. Well, my sibling in the meanwhile had been invited to her BFFs house for "Orphan Thanksgiving" dinner and started insisting that we all go together. With the pitch that some person who was also going to be there had just lost a spouse and how it would be good for our (very reserved and not likely to start opening up about losing her husband to somebody she'd just met) mother to attend. Dinner reservations got cancelled, I was disappointed and then got a last minute invite to go eat at friend's house. Being around people who I actually knew (and 3 other people, not a crowd of strangers who don't all know each other) when I was already feeling sad was just more what I wanted for the day. Oh and yes, she's a great friend to my sibling but just not somebody I'm interested in hanging out with.
The end result was a big ugly argument with our poor mother stuck in the middle and my sibling still acts like she's hurt that I didn't want to go to her friend's house. And the night before and the day of, her friend called the house twice with leaving messages on the answering machine about dinner. Now, she's a great friend to my sibling and somebody who goes out of her way to help or mother other people. But with the Thanksgiving dinner (and even the psychoanalyzing incident), it's like I'm going to help you, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. I've tried explaining to my mother that I feel like it's a "We forget that what we want to do for others might not be the same as what they really need" type of sitation. It's wonderful that she offers help, but it feels like we don't have the option of saying No. I mean, I have a couple friends who've lost a parent in the past year and while I've tried to be supportive and talk to them about it, it's more like if they felt like it, I was there. This is more like not taking No for an answer.
So now it's come up again. She's asking again about Thanksgiving this year and I got a guilt trip about how I hurt my sister last year by declining the invitation. And that since I'm laid off, I should go because I could "network" with the other guests. Which feels like an extra layer of guilt on top of being told I'm an insensitive sibling. But I just really have no interest in going to this woman's house for dinner (my mother ended up going & said it was boring & she didn't really talk to anybody). Especially because Thanksgiving is just kind of a hard day for me given the family history of what it meant. But I don't want to hurt my sibling's feeling or make our mom feel like she's stuck in the middle. Unfortunately this woman lives all the way out in the country, so it's not even like I could take my car for an appearance and leave.
"It's just not possible" is the Emily Post or Ms. Manners line.
Tell your sibling that you love 'em, but you just don't want to spend Thanksgiving there.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:12 PM on November 18, 2010 [7 favorites]
Tell your sibling that you love 'em, but you just don't want to spend Thanksgiving there.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:12 PM on November 18, 2010 [7 favorites]
Say thanks, but no thanks. You have all kinds of reasons not to go, and the thing is, you don't really need to share them. For one thing, it's your siblings friend. Tell your sib to talk to the person, since it's not really your thing to deal with in the first place. If your sibling is going to get bent out of shape, tell them your reasons (it's my birthday/I miss dad/not crazy about spending an intensely personal day surrounded by people I don't know), and leave it at that. There's no reason you have to go, and there's no reason for people to be trying to force you.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:30 PM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Ghidorah at 10:30 PM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The friend I would just say no to. She's the one who's created An awkward situation so you can just say what you need to. Your sister might see this as an opportunity for you to grieve together. This is more worth paying attention to. Could you suggest an alternative (for her, additional) way to mark the day between the two of you? To make it clear that you see the value in that? And then simply explain that your grief is different to hers- if she wouldn't acknowledge/understand that then I would say that's on her. Hope this works out for you.
posted by jojobobo at 10:42 PM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jojobobo at 10:42 PM on November 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Put your foot down and say NO. Then, take your Mom out for those delicious oysters. Good luck.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 10:53 PM on November 18, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by SkylitDrawl at 10:53 PM on November 18, 2010 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Oh my god, you have to say no, and preferably also help your mom say no, or it'll be a TRADITION.
posted by desuetude at 11:15 PM on November 18, 2010 [33 favorites]
posted by desuetude at 11:15 PM on November 18, 2010 [33 favorites]
Go volunteer at a kitchen. Excuse + better place to be :)
posted by Lukenlogs at 11:29 PM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Lukenlogs at 11:29 PM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm all for volunteering if it would make you happy, but don't feel that you have to do that in order to be allowed to decline this invitation.
I'm not sure you should give this as a reason for not going, but I thought an "orphan's Thanksgiving" was a gathering of people who otherwise have nowhere else to go? Why should your entire nuclear family be shoehorned into going to such an event? It's cute your sibling wants to spend Thanksgiving with a friend rather than the rest of the family, but that's his/her problem, not yours. It is up to you and your mother to decide for yourselves what you would like to do on this holiday that is usually reserved for family gatherings. Do not feel that you have to justify yourselves to anyone.
posted by Sara C. at 11:37 PM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure you should give this as a reason for not going, but I thought an "orphan's Thanksgiving" was a gathering of people who otherwise have nowhere else to go? Why should your entire nuclear family be shoehorned into going to such an event? It's cute your sibling wants to spend Thanksgiving with a friend rather than the rest of the family, but that's his/her problem, not yours. It is up to you and your mother to decide for yourselves what you would like to do on this holiday that is usually reserved for family gatherings. Do not feel that you have to justify yourselves to anyone.
posted by Sara C. at 11:37 PM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Talk to your mum and find out what she wants to do. If she didn't have a good time last year, I'm sure she'd rather go to that nice restaurant and split a plate of oysters with you. When the invite comes up just say No. Mum and I will be continuing our family tradition at X restaurant (and if the invite is from Sibling), you're welcome to join us. If you prefer to spend Thanksgiving with your friend then that is your choice but I will not be guilted into spending my birthday and holiday with complete strangers.
If the invite comes from the friend I would say Thank you for the offer but we are not 'orphans' and although our father may have passed away, we are still a family and we have traditions. ... well actually I'd probably take her aside and tell her how rude it is of her to try to interfere with your family traditions and explain how she'd caused incredible conflict between your family at such a delicate time with her pushy invites but you probably don't want to do that.
posted by missmagenta at 12:02 AM on November 19, 2010 [20 favorites]
If the invite comes from the friend I would say Thank you for the offer but we are not 'orphans' and although our father may have passed away, we are still a family and we have traditions. ... well actually I'd probably take her aside and tell her how rude it is of her to try to interfere with your family traditions and explain how she'd caused incredible conflict between your family at such a delicate time with her pushy invites but you probably don't want to do that.
posted by missmagenta at 12:02 AM on November 19, 2010 [20 favorites]
Hm. I'm just wondering, is there any chance that your sister's bff is actually more than that? Perhaps more like an S.O.? It would make a lot of this strange behavior much more explicable if it were the case. I can see your sister wanting you and your mom to do what she wanted to do last Thanksgiving, you know, just because. It's pretty surprising that she remains "hurt" a year later over the fact that you decided to spend the day with your friends instead of her friend. That sounds more like the behavior of someone who feels like their husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend hasn't been accepted by the family . . . and it would also make the bff's sort of odd desire to be a significant part of something so private as your father's funeral a lot less bizarre. That would not be strange behavior for a spouse, for example.
Just a thought, and very, very obviously not the only possible scenario, but I thought I would mention it, on the outside chance. If it were the case, it would cast your sister's insistence on having you, your mom, and the bff all together for an important family day in a much more understandable (and less bratty/selfish?) light.
posted by taz at 12:17 AM on November 19, 2010 [8 favorites]
Just a thought, and very, very obviously not the only possible scenario, but I thought I would mention it, on the outside chance. If it were the case, it would cast your sister's insistence on having you, your mom, and the bff all together for an important family day in a much more understandable (and less bratty/selfish?) light.
posted by taz at 12:17 AM on November 19, 2010 [8 favorites]
What, and you didn't actually get oysters last year? You tell her, "Look, sorry. We're doing a family thing." It's not cold and impersonal like "that just won't be possible," and makes clear that she's not invited. "We get oysters. It's just something we do. It's nothing personal." Your sibling can deal with it their ownself. If they want to do the family thing they can, and if they want to do the friend thing they can (and please mean it). This whole thing is caused by people holding others' personal choices against them, try to be the picture of individuality. Maybe if you and your mom are doing this annually that your sibling sometimes attends, and sometimes doesn't. And it's all good. But the friend? Adults understand that you might have different traditions, so if BFF gets all pissy then it's just a lesson they should have learned anyway. Dang, this all sounds very tough-love! I guess I'd also recommend trying to do it with laughter.
posted by rhizome at 12:40 AM on November 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 12:40 AM on November 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You did not hurt your sister by not going; they made the decision that they will be hurt if you don't go. Do what you need to do :)
posted by TrinsicWS at 2:37 AM on November 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by TrinsicWS at 2:37 AM on November 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Just keep saying "no". BFF's not taking no for an answer because you haven't said it enough times yet. Pretend that she has a forcefield around her, and every time you say "no", you hit this forcefield and only damage it slightly. You have to hit it repeatedly for your message to get through the forcefield.
The other issues you have to contend with are your mom and your sister, and how they feel about this.
Sister: explain that you aren't comfortable going to BFF's house for Thanksgiving. You don't want to do this because of X, Y and Z reasons (uncomfortable atmosphere, history of the oysters thing, etc). Make it clear that you won't be going. How your sister feels about this is up to her. She might be upset, but how would she feel if you decided that she couldn't go to her BFF's celebration and instead had to come to yours with your friends that she hardly knows?
Mom: your mom is kind of putting herself in the middle of this. She's a grown adult and can make her own choices, so she can choose where she goes. If your sister moans to her that you aren't going to BFF's celebration, Mom should refer Sister back to you. You're all adults and can all talk directly to one another. If Mom decides to get involved, that's on her and is her choice. That's not your fault at all.
Another thing to remember is that you are not responsible for other people's emotions and they are not responsible for yours. You don't have to feel guilty about not doing what someone else wants you to. Someone else doesn't have to feel upset that you aren't doing what they want you to. Reactive emotions are pretty much the default state for all himan beings, but you can train yourself out of them. Feeling guilty about not going to BFF's celebration is a choice; just remind yourself that you'd feel miserable and uncomfortable being there, and Thanksgiving really isn't the time of year for those emotions. YOUR thoughts and feelings about what YOU want to do at Thanksgiving are way more important than anyone else's. The onus is on your to do what makes you feel good, not someone who you barely even know who quite apparently doesn't have your best wishes at heart.
posted by Solomon at 2:54 AM on November 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
The other issues you have to contend with are your mom and your sister, and how they feel about this.
Sister: explain that you aren't comfortable going to BFF's house for Thanksgiving. You don't want to do this because of X, Y and Z reasons (uncomfortable atmosphere, history of the oysters thing, etc). Make it clear that you won't be going. How your sister feels about this is up to her. She might be upset, but how would she feel if you decided that she couldn't go to her BFF's celebration and instead had to come to yours with your friends that she hardly knows?
Mom: your mom is kind of putting herself in the middle of this. She's a grown adult and can make her own choices, so she can choose where she goes. If your sister moans to her that you aren't going to BFF's celebration, Mom should refer Sister back to you. You're all adults and can all talk directly to one another. If Mom decides to get involved, that's on her and is her choice. That's not your fault at all.
Another thing to remember is that you are not responsible for other people's emotions and they are not responsible for yours. You don't have to feel guilty about not doing what someone else wants you to. Someone else doesn't have to feel upset that you aren't doing what they want you to. Reactive emotions are pretty much the default state for all himan beings, but you can train yourself out of them. Feeling guilty about not going to BFF's celebration is a choice; just remind yourself that you'd feel miserable and uncomfortable being there, and Thanksgiving really isn't the time of year for those emotions. YOUR thoughts and feelings about what YOU want to do at Thanksgiving are way more important than anyone else's. The onus is on your to do what makes you feel good, not someone who you barely even know who quite apparently doesn't have your best wishes at heart.
posted by Solomon at 2:54 AM on November 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
Kill her with kindness while you say no:
"It's incredibly kind of you to offer, but I've made other plans."
"Jane, you are always such a wonderful friend to Sister, and I know you'll all have a wonderful time"
As she continues, you can try telling the truth to your Mom and Sister:
"It seems awfully important to Jane for me to be there"
"I really enjoyed going to that restaurant, and my preference would be to continue our family tradition. I missed it last year. But, Mom, if you and Sister want to go to Jane's, I'll just go ahead with my alternate plans."
Be calm and use as much charm as you can muster. When you're being reasonable, it's harder to get emotionally bullied. Te effort you put into maintaining oyur boundaries will be uncomfortable now, but set a good pattern for the future.
posted by theora55 at 4:12 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
"It's incredibly kind of you to offer, but I've made other plans."
"Jane, you are always such a wonderful friend to Sister, and I know you'll all have a wonderful time"
As she continues, you can try telling the truth to your Mom and Sister:
"It seems awfully important to Jane for me to be there"
"I really enjoyed going to that restaurant, and my preference would be to continue our family tradition. I missed it last year. But, Mom, if you and Sister want to go to Jane's, I'll just go ahead with my alternate plans."
Be calm and use as much charm as you can muster. When you're being reasonable, it's harder to get emotionally bullied. Te effort you put into maintaining oyur boundaries will be uncomfortable now, but set a good pattern for the future.
posted by theora55 at 4:12 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Honestly, at this point, after last year's antics, I see no real reason for you to be diplomatic. You seemed to have tried that. It failed and you're still left in this uncomfortable position. This may be one of those times where a "I said no, now fuck off" would be in order.
posted by nomadicink at 4:13 AM on November 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by nomadicink at 4:13 AM on November 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
missmagenta is right on. I could picture my mum getting all kinds of upset if she were in the same spot and someone kept bandying the phrase "orphan's Thanksgiving" about. BFF kind of sounds like the classic person who's trying to help but does more harm than good. Do what will make you and your mum happy - you'll remember it for a long time. Happy Thanksgiving.
posted by mintcake! at 6:11 AM on November 19, 2010
posted by mintcake! at 6:11 AM on November 19, 2010
You know, usually I believe in being kind and not rude.
But in this case, I would call this woman and tell her she is not my family's social director, and that she will NOT dictate what YOUR FAMILY does, period, and that while you appreciate the invite, you feel she would benefit with making an appointment with a therapist to see why she feels the need to be so bossy with OTHER PEOPLE.
I am serious.
And tell her you are not going.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:31 AM on November 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
But in this case, I would call this woman and tell her she is not my family's social director, and that she will NOT dictate what YOUR FAMILY does, period, and that while you appreciate the invite, you feel she would benefit with making an appointment with a therapist to see why she feels the need to be so bossy with OTHER PEOPLE.
I am serious.
And tell her you are not going.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:31 AM on November 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: In truth, you don't owe BFF more than, "How kind of you to offer, but I have other plans." And, further, it would be appropriate to give some of the sterner, angrier responses suggested above after this woman's thoughtlessness.
But I wonder if the drama factor with your sister might be lowered a little if you brought BFF in a little bit (the way she herself wants to be brought in, in a helper/counselor kind of role): "BFF, you are such a kind friend. Right now, you're seeing how differently my sister and I are handling our loss: she wants to be surrounded by friends, and I want to carry on our little family tradition at XYZ Restaurant. I'm so glad that you're here, because it means that both my sister and I can celebrate the holiday and remember our father the way that means the most to us."
In other words, BFF wants a role in your family's healing and has decided to give herself one. Perhaps you can redirect a bit and give her a different role.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:42 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
But I wonder if the drama factor with your sister might be lowered a little if you brought BFF in a little bit (the way she herself wants to be brought in, in a helper/counselor kind of role): "BFF, you are such a kind friend. Right now, you're seeing how differently my sister and I are handling our loss: she wants to be surrounded by friends, and I want to carry on our little family tradition at XYZ Restaurant. I'm so glad that you're here, because it means that both my sister and I can celebrate the holiday and remember our father the way that means the most to us."
In other words, BFF wants a role in your family's healing and has decided to give herself one. Perhaps you can redirect a bit and give her a different role.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:42 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
And you may as well let your sister know that you don't see why you would EVER want to have Thanksgiving there. This way you have an uncomfortable time of it this year but avoid the exact same issue in upcoming years.
I have three siblings and I couldn't even tell you who their best friends are at this point. If one of them invited me to something that seemed like fun, sure I'd go. But I'd feel no obligation/guilt about turning them down.
posted by mikepop at 7:04 AM on November 19, 2010
I have three siblings and I couldn't even tell you who their best friends are at this point. If one of them invited me to something that seemed like fun, sure I'd go. But I'd feel no obligation/guilt about turning them down.
posted by mikepop at 7:04 AM on November 19, 2010
Other people's offers do not place an obligation on you. Other people's actions do not place an obligation on you. Other people are acting as if you are obligated to do something because they have made the offer; they are in error. They are mistaken. If something is a question, "no" is always a potential answer.
Oh, geez, someone who spent their time trying to ask personal, analytical questions immediately after--and any time after--a loss in our family would be half-crucified by any other family member who happened to spot it. Let people grieve in peace, offer support, but don't freaking GRILL them. Who does this woman think she is?
posted by galadriel at 7:18 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, geez, someone who spent their time trying to ask personal, analytical questions immediately after--and any time after--a loss in our family would be half-crucified by any other family member who happened to spot it. Let people grieve in peace, offer support, but don't freaking GRILL them. Who does this woman think she is?
posted by galadriel at 7:18 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Been there (different details but same general circumstance). Just. Say. No. It's the ONLY thing that works with people like your sibling's BFF.
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 8:08 AM on November 19, 2010
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 8:08 AM on November 19, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you for confirming my uncomfortable feelings about the whole stupid situation. If it's brought up, I'm sticking to saying No Thank You - just like last year. And I'll remind my mother that if she wants to go over there, that's fine. But as many have said, an invitation is not an obligation. And if my sibling gets upset/hurt by my declining the invite, that's their choice.
The tactic I'll probably employ is that our other sibling uses Thanksgiving as a self indulgent "Gift I Give Myself" day to goof off, read a whole book, or go to the movies. So my argument back is that if other sibling is spending the holiday on self care, the same goes for me. Especially when it literally is my holiday!
As an aside, the comment about "Hey maybe they're in a closeted relationship" made me laugh. Mostly because they're not and on top of our family getting the pressure to attend, BFF also makes sure every year that her husband's ex-wife is one of the guests. I think she means well and wants truly everybody to be happy & have a place to go during the holidays. But there's a line between being helpful and overbearing, which her "help" (and yeah, I think she does want some role in helping/healing) has crossed over in dealing with me specifically.
Thanks again! And keep your fingers crossed for me.
posted by gov_moonbeam at 2:02 PM on November 19, 2010
The tactic I'll probably employ is that our other sibling uses Thanksgiving as a self indulgent "Gift I Give Myself" day to goof off, read a whole book, or go to the movies. So my argument back is that if other sibling is spending the holiday on self care, the same goes for me. Especially when it literally is my holiday!
As an aside, the comment about "Hey maybe they're in a closeted relationship" made me laugh. Mostly because they're not and on top of our family getting the pressure to attend, BFF also makes sure every year that her husband's ex-wife is one of the guests. I think she means well and wants truly everybody to be happy & have a place to go during the holidays. But there's a line between being helpful and overbearing, which her "help" (and yeah, I think she does want some role in helping/healing) has crossed over in dealing with me specifically.
Thanks again! And keep your fingers crossed for me.
posted by gov_moonbeam at 2:02 PM on November 19, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mynameisluka at 10:10 PM on November 18, 2010 [32 favorites]