Dealing with a depressed, hypochondriac SO
October 22, 2010 1:10 PM Subscribe
I'm coping with a hypochondriac/depressed boyfriend right now. I have tried to be there for him but I am very gradually starting to lose my patience and feel restless in the relationship. I love him and feel completely torn about what to do.
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. It's matured into a real and lasting love and affection and it's been wonderful overall, especially the first few months. We hit a few snags over the summer, though. I discovered that underneath his extremely sweet, pleasant, outgoing exterior is a very sensitive individual with depressive/self loathing tendencies and major insecurities.
When he was in high school he tried to kill himself, and went through a rehabilitation program. His father is very sick and recently underwent an experimental procedure that didn't go as well as hoped for, and his parents went through a rough divorce when he was a child and took a lot of their frustrations out on their children. Needless to say, his family situation is not great. He has been working on it though and has made some good progress.
I'm also pretty sure he's a hypochondriac. When we first started dating he was convinced that he had ED as a result of a riding accident, and he even got a prescription for Viagra. He is 23 years old and from what I can tell, there's nothing wrong with him. Over time I have shown him that he doesn't need this at all, the pipes are working perfectly fine so to speak, and our sex life is much better now. I suspect it's the depression that resulted from his accident that gave him ED problems, not the accident itself. I could go through dozens of examples of similar situations where I have reassured him that he in fact does not have a life threatening and/or debilitating illness. Most recently, this weekend we were supposed to go out of town to visit our families for a baby shower, but he just called to tell me that he's feeling extremely ill (stomach pains) and thinks he might need to go to the hospital. It doesn't help that he never eats enough and doesn't take the best care of his body. He just started his new job a week and a half ago and already took a day off this week because he wasn't feeling well. It's the classic Boy Who Cried Wolf scenario...it's hard to tell when he's actually really sick. Am i being ridiculous? could he really be seriously ill?! I feel like in the context of all that I know about him, this seems unlikely.
I try to be nurturing and considerate and forgiving for all the times that our plans are canceled because he is having a breakdown or thinks he's seriously ill. But it is starting to wear on me and I sometimes let my guard down and get upset and frustrated at him. I don't know what to do. I know he is trying his best to get counseling and work on these things. But I want to be happy and flexible, and do meaningful things with my life without being constantly tied down by illness, depression, etc. I would give anything to experience these things with him, because I love him so much. And he has told me that he feels the same way but is going through a difficult period right now. I am completely torn. I love him to death and feel we have potential for happiness in the future. I just don't know what to do right now, in the present. :/
We currently live in a big metropolitan city, and he has said so many times that he hates this city and just wants to move back to my home state with me, and that once we do that everything will be OK and we'll be happy. I'm not so sure. I want to believe what he's saying and that things will get better, but at the same time I'm also going through some quarterlife crisis -type feelings right now and I'm feeling impatient to get out of the rut I'm in and do something meaningful with my life (basically, I'm bored and disillusioned with my job, and want to leave the city as well). I have gone through severe depression before as well but I got through it and have been gradually recovering through changing my attitudes about certain things, educating myself about my problems, finding others with the same experiences, and generally trying to find a realistic positive outlook on my life. I know this sounds harsh but I can't be responsible for his happiness, and I can only be there to support him so much before it starts to compromise the happiness and self composure that I have worked to achieve for myself.
I love him very, very much and I'm truly happy with him in most respects...I just feel incredibly torn. Has anyone else gone through a similar situation? If so, how did you deal with it?
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. It's matured into a real and lasting love and affection and it's been wonderful overall, especially the first few months. We hit a few snags over the summer, though. I discovered that underneath his extremely sweet, pleasant, outgoing exterior is a very sensitive individual with depressive/self loathing tendencies and major insecurities.
When he was in high school he tried to kill himself, and went through a rehabilitation program. His father is very sick and recently underwent an experimental procedure that didn't go as well as hoped for, and his parents went through a rough divorce when he was a child and took a lot of their frustrations out on their children. Needless to say, his family situation is not great. He has been working on it though and has made some good progress.
I'm also pretty sure he's a hypochondriac. When we first started dating he was convinced that he had ED as a result of a riding accident, and he even got a prescription for Viagra. He is 23 years old and from what I can tell, there's nothing wrong with him. Over time I have shown him that he doesn't need this at all, the pipes are working perfectly fine so to speak, and our sex life is much better now. I suspect it's the depression that resulted from his accident that gave him ED problems, not the accident itself. I could go through dozens of examples of similar situations where I have reassured him that he in fact does not have a life threatening and/or debilitating illness. Most recently, this weekend we were supposed to go out of town to visit our families for a baby shower, but he just called to tell me that he's feeling extremely ill (stomach pains) and thinks he might need to go to the hospital. It doesn't help that he never eats enough and doesn't take the best care of his body. He just started his new job a week and a half ago and already took a day off this week because he wasn't feeling well. It's the classic Boy Who Cried Wolf scenario...it's hard to tell when he's actually really sick. Am i being ridiculous? could he really be seriously ill?! I feel like in the context of all that I know about him, this seems unlikely.
I try to be nurturing and considerate and forgiving for all the times that our plans are canceled because he is having a breakdown or thinks he's seriously ill. But it is starting to wear on me and I sometimes let my guard down and get upset and frustrated at him. I don't know what to do. I know he is trying his best to get counseling and work on these things. But I want to be happy and flexible, and do meaningful things with my life without being constantly tied down by illness, depression, etc. I would give anything to experience these things with him, because I love him so much. And he has told me that he feels the same way but is going through a difficult period right now. I am completely torn. I love him to death and feel we have potential for happiness in the future. I just don't know what to do right now, in the present. :/
We currently live in a big metropolitan city, and he has said so many times that he hates this city and just wants to move back to my home state with me, and that once we do that everything will be OK and we'll be happy. I'm not so sure. I want to believe what he's saying and that things will get better, but at the same time I'm also going through some quarterlife crisis -type feelings right now and I'm feeling impatient to get out of the rut I'm in and do something meaningful with my life (basically, I'm bored and disillusioned with my job, and want to leave the city as well). I have gone through severe depression before as well but I got through it and have been gradually recovering through changing my attitudes about certain things, educating myself about my problems, finding others with the same experiences, and generally trying to find a realistic positive outlook on my life. I know this sounds harsh but I can't be responsible for his happiness, and I can only be there to support him so much before it starts to compromise the happiness and self composure that I have worked to achieve for myself.
I love him very, very much and I'm truly happy with him in most respects...I just feel incredibly torn. Has anyone else gone through a similar situation? If so, how did you deal with it?
To be a keyboard psychiatrist here:
I think that these (probably) imagined ills are a coping strategy that he developed (maybe as a kid) to deal with stresses of everyday life. I think in his own way, (of which he is probably not cognizant), he's fighting against the city he doesn't like, the job that is stressful, etc, by creating his own problems. I don't mean it's awesome fun to have a stomach ache (and he may really be in pain), I mean it is something different to take priority for a few hours or a day.
My little sister does the same thing. When my mom started going back to school (and spending less time with her) my sister would develop some mystery symptom every week or two. In our home at least, "illness" was a special circumstance where you got more attention and less responsibilities. It was a break from the discomfort of the things you couldn't change, school, homework, chores, etc.
It sounds to me like he hasn't developed a more mature way of coping with everyday stresses or even more importantly, living with the discomfort that these stresses cause. Maybe you can help him develop better coping strategies, but I don't think you are under any obligation to. Its probably not a good idea to try. I know that I would always see a tinge of the immaturity and irresponsibility of his actions, and those are two things I would not be able to tolerate in a serious partner.
I would also worry about being manipulated by these bouts of illness. You already said that you try to nurture him, and would rather feel the pain for him. The sympathy and nurturing attention are likely the goals of his actions. Again, he's probably not fully aware of this, and I don't think he's a bad guy, but his illnesses are influencing your actions.
posted by fontophilic at 1:54 PM on October 22, 2010
I think that these (probably) imagined ills are a coping strategy that he developed (maybe as a kid) to deal with stresses of everyday life. I think in his own way, (of which he is probably not cognizant), he's fighting against the city he doesn't like, the job that is stressful, etc, by creating his own problems. I don't mean it's awesome fun to have a stomach ache (and he may really be in pain), I mean it is something different to take priority for a few hours or a day.
My little sister does the same thing. When my mom started going back to school (and spending less time with her) my sister would develop some mystery symptom every week or two. In our home at least, "illness" was a special circumstance where you got more attention and less responsibilities. It was a break from the discomfort of the things you couldn't change, school, homework, chores, etc.
It sounds to me like he hasn't developed a more mature way of coping with everyday stresses or even more importantly, living with the discomfort that these stresses cause. Maybe you can help him develop better coping strategies, but I don't think you are under any obligation to. Its probably not a good idea to try. I know that I would always see a tinge of the immaturity and irresponsibility of his actions, and those are two things I would not be able to tolerate in a serious partner.
I would also worry about being manipulated by these bouts of illness. You already said that you try to nurture him, and would rather feel the pain for him. The sympathy and nurturing attention are likely the goals of his actions. Again, he's probably not fully aware of this, and I don't think he's a bad guy, but his illnesses are influencing your actions.
posted by fontophilic at 1:54 PM on October 22, 2010
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. It's matured into a real and lasting love and affection and it's been wonderful overall, especially the first few months. We hit a few snags over the summer, though
Eight months does not "a real and lasting love" make. You started finding out after a few months that you have someone on your hands who needs to do a lot of work. He either does it, or he doesn't. You can choose to move on with your young vibrant life or throw more time away on someone who may never get his shit together.
RUN
posted by cyndigo at 3:18 PM on October 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
Eight months does not "a real and lasting love" make. You started finding out after a few months that you have someone on your hands who needs to do a lot of work. He either does it, or he doesn't. You can choose to move on with your young vibrant life or throw more time away on someone who may never get his shit together.
RUN
posted by cyndigo at 3:18 PM on October 22, 2010 [5 favorites]
He's pretending to be sick so you'll be nice to him and to get out of events he doesn't want to attend. I think you're making this a lot more complicated than it is.
posted by fshgrl at 3:26 PM on October 22, 2010
posted by fshgrl at 3:26 PM on October 22, 2010
This sounds like Somatoform disorder. Just one data point, but I would find this kind of behavior exceptionally irritating, and were I not this persons psychologist or doctor I would try and avoid them at all costs.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:54 PM on October 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:54 PM on October 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you're serious about the guy, then knock it off with the understanding and nurturing. He's making you into a sucker. Shake him by the lapels, figuratively speaking, and tell him to lighten up. Tell him, "This is not attractive." This is code language that, if he's smart, he will properly decode as "Snap out of it or she's gonna walk." If he doesn't snap out of it, then walk.
posted by Buffaload at 8:55 PM on October 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Buffaload at 8:55 PM on October 22, 2010 [1 favorite]
There is being loving, caring and supportive....then there is being enabling. Time and again, the circumstances have shown that he is not, in fact, dying of bubonic plague on the night you had plans to do something fun.
I'm not discounting the possibility that he has deep-rooted psychological issues from his childhood, but it could also be that playing sick is his favorite way to get out of things he doesn't want to do, or to get attention if he's thinks he's lost your utter 100% focus for a minute.
BIG RED FLAG: he has said so many times that he hates this city and just wants to move back to my home state with me, and that once we do that everything will be OK and we'll be happy.
You are right, it won't change anything. HE is unhappy, whether it's from depression or yellow fever or Montezuma's Revenge. YOU cannot make him happy, no matter how hard you try, because you can't control other people's destinies. It sounds like you are a terrific partner so far, but there are somethings he is just going to have to take care of himself. His depression is one of those things. YOU need to take care of YOUR OWN health and welfare first. Let him know that taking care of those things might mean cutting him off if he doesn't get his shit together.
posted by motsque at 9:36 AM on October 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not discounting the possibility that he has deep-rooted psychological issues from his childhood, but it could also be that playing sick is his favorite way to get out of things he doesn't want to do, or to get attention if he's thinks he's lost your utter 100% focus for a minute.
BIG RED FLAG: he has said so many times that he hates this city and just wants to move back to my home state with me, and that once we do that everything will be OK and we'll be happy.
You are right, it won't change anything. HE is unhappy, whether it's from depression or yellow fever or Montezuma's Revenge. YOU cannot make him happy, no matter how hard you try, because you can't control other people's destinies. It sounds like you are a terrific partner so far, but there are somethings he is just going to have to take care of himself. His depression is one of those things. YOU need to take care of YOUR OWN health and welfare first. Let him know that taking care of those things might mean cutting him off if he doesn't get his shit together.
posted by motsque at 9:36 AM on October 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
He needs help. He should be seeing a therapist to work through these things. You can't be his therapist AND his lover. If he refuses to see someone, or even talk to a doctor about his anxiety/depression, there is nothing else you can do. It's much easier to support someone who has a gameplan for wellness. (and yes, between talk therapy and drugs, it may still be a while till the knots are untangled)
You would benefit from talk therapy with someone outside the relationship too.
A willingness to try to improve is positive. Even if things don't work out with the both of you, you may both be healthier as a result.
Depression is hard. Seek help.
posted by dreamling at 3:36 PM on October 23, 2010
You would benefit from talk therapy with someone outside the relationship too.
A willingness to try to improve is positive. Even if things don't work out with the both of you, you may both be healthier as a result.
Depression is hard. Seek help.
posted by dreamling at 3:36 PM on October 23, 2010
Best answer: These problems showed up less than six months into your relationship while you were still in the honeymoon phase and he was on his best behaviour. Seriously, this is him using all his energy to be on his best behaviour for you - things are going to get much, much worse if you don't break this dynamic immediately. It is fair to have a serious discussion where you tell him your concerns and expect immediate action (from your description he sounds to be looking into therapy but hasn't actually started it). If he has a therapist ask to meet them together so the therapist is aware of his dysfunctional coping skills and the impact on his relationships and employment For yourself, have zero tolerance for illness excuses (or even mentioning it - nothing is less off-putting then hearing someone complain about being sick) because I suspect if you give him an inch he will take a mile. This skepticism is the result of his own behavior and he will have to work hard over the next few years to earn your trust back.
Also, someone that calls in sick to a new job is unlikely to remain employed for very long. Do not lower your own expectations for him in terms of pulling his weight financially in the relationship. I'd give him a very short timespan to improve and then move on with a clear heart to find a partner, not a child in search of a mommy who allows him to avoid responsibilities.
posted by saucysault at 3:21 AM on October 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, someone that calls in sick to a new job is unlikely to remain employed for very long. Do not lower your own expectations for him in terms of pulling his weight financially in the relationship. I'd give him a very short timespan to improve and then move on with a clear heart to find a partner, not a child in search of a mommy who allows him to avoid responsibilities.
posted by saucysault at 3:21 AM on October 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I think I knew all of this, I just needed to be reassured that reacting with anger and frustration wasn't just me being uncaring and harsh. He is going through something really difficult, and I give him full credit for seeking help and making progress...I guess I just need to administer some tough love.
posted by maggymay at 12:14 PM on October 25, 2010
posted by maggymay at 12:14 PM on October 25, 2010
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Not only does depression cause these symptoms, but sometimes people feel like the only way to be taken care of is to have some specific physical problem. I was ashamed of being depressed, so it was hard for me to say "Look, I need help/to be taken care of because of my psychological state". It was much easier to translate my psychic pain to physical pain because I thought that was the only way other people would understand it.
Your boyfriend needs a lot of help. You're right that you can't be the one to go the entire distance for him. But if any of the above rings true for you, if you think he's at all afraid of talking about his depression and insecurities, you can start by telling him that it's OK to need help for those things alone, that those things are just as real as any other ailments or illnesses.
posted by guybrush_threepwood at 1:30 PM on October 22, 2010 [4 favorites]