He wants a wedding and I don't. Help!
October 13, 2010 12:47 PM Subscribe
The thought of planning a wedding makes me (female, mid-twenties) want to break out into hives. Problem: my (male, mid-twenties) partner LOVES weddings and desperately wants one. HELP!
posted by anonymous to human relations (40 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
(Anonymous because he browses Metafilter when I'm logged into my account. Pretty sure he never looks at Ask, but better safe than sorry...)
I am a 24 year old female, my partner is a 25 year old male. In the last year, we have attended and/or been involved in the wedding parties of four weddings, with two upcoming next year. Because of the frequency of our attendance at weddings, we have spent a lot of time talking about engagement, weddings, marriage, etc in the last year. We agree that we want to be married. We want to have children together. For us, being married is an important step in the direction of building our new family. I know that his proposal is coming at any time. I know I want to accept. He knows I will accept. I cannot wait to be actually MARRIED to him and have a life together. But I am DREADING having to plan and throw a wedding.
I hate weddings. My partner loves them. I have NEVER wanted a large wedding. The big white dress, the flowers, the cake...none of it has ever appealed to me, even when I was a little girl who liked to play dress up. I personally cannot imagine spending so much money on anything so extravagant and so fleeting. I was raised by parents who taught me to feel bad about spending large amounts of money on anything even the least bit impractical. Thus, while my partner looks forward to throwing a large wedding where we will invite all of our family and friends, I would much rather invest our money in a house or in college funds for our future children.
Also, my involvement in weddings has always been extremely stressful for me. I have watched many of my perfectly normal friends morph into vicious Bridezillas and Groomthas due simply to the stress of planning their weddings. I have witnessed lots of bickering between the parents and the couple, or members of the wedding party and the couple, or vendors and the couple all in the name of one party thrown on one day...the whole process seems absolutely terrifying to me. I don't want to go through that. I have a lot of social/familial/work obligations already and would likely crumble under all the added stress of planning a wedding, especially one attached to a lot of drama.
My partner really, really wants a wedding, though. He wants a big proposal, an engagement party, he wants to pick a wedding party (and he has SEVEN close male friends he wants to ask to be groomsmen), have a bachelor party, host a rehearsal dinner, invite hundreds of guests to a lavish ceremony, and then throw a rocking reception. He considers marriage to be a social milestone (I see his point!) that he absolutely needs to celebrate with all of his family and friends. My partner is unwilling to just get married and NOT have a wedding. He does not understand my feelings about weddings. At. All. And I can tell from the way he talks about his friend's weddings that he would be very sad if he could not have his dream wedding. I can't stand the idea of him being sad. I love him very much and I want him to have a wedding if he really, really wants one. I'm just not sure how to give him that wedding without being reduced to panic attacks every day and being forced into therapy.
So. Questions! Would it be wrong or unfair to ask my partner to handle the lion's share of the planning of any wedding we do have, since he's the one who really wants one? I know he'll probably want me to plan the majority of it, but I'm not sure I'd be able to do so and keep my sanity and he seems to know exactly what he wants. Would this be horrible of me? How do you throw the cheapest wedding possible? Tips also wanted on ways to plan low-stress weddings, the kind where there's minimal craziness and high school level drama amongst the couple and the wedding party/family members/vendors. Thanks, all!