How to support a colleague going through a divorce
October 13, 2010 2:36 AM Subscribe
A colleague is going through a divorce. He told our boss and me that his wife left him last week. I feel really sorry for him. What should I do to support him through this period?
One of my team members (we are a team of 4 reporting to the same manager) is going through a divorce. His wife left him last week and he is going through counseling/finances etc in the next couple of weeks.
We aren't friends but we share a cordial office relationship. We work together and have often have lunch together but we don't hang out apart from work. I'm 24/Male - joined the team a year ago - he's probably 30-32 or so. He's a nice guy most of the time. We generally don't discuss private matters but we tend to work together a lot and he wanted to tell me so I don't mistake his occasional off-mood to be rudeness as he goes through handling this shock.
I don't want to be poky or intrusive but I really feel sorry for him and am unsure what I should or shouldn't do to support him through this trying time. He generally likes to keep work/personal life separate so even the fact that he told me this is a big deal. Having said that, he probably wouldn't have told me if he wasn't concerned about me sensing something odd in his behavior or feeling otherwise so I don't want to go out all the way as he might not like that.
Should I just go and tell him that if he'd like to go have dinner/drinks sometime, I'll be glad to give him company? or something else? Help me hive mind.
Thanks!
One of my team members (we are a team of 4 reporting to the same manager) is going through a divorce. His wife left him last week and he is going through counseling/finances etc in the next couple of weeks.
We aren't friends but we share a cordial office relationship. We work together and have often have lunch together but we don't hang out apart from work. I'm 24/Male - joined the team a year ago - he's probably 30-32 or so. He's a nice guy most of the time. We generally don't discuss private matters but we tend to work together a lot and he wanted to tell me so I don't mistake his occasional off-mood to be rudeness as he goes through handling this shock.
I don't want to be poky or intrusive but I really feel sorry for him and am unsure what I should or shouldn't do to support him through this trying time. He generally likes to keep work/personal life separate so even the fact that he told me this is a big deal. Having said that, he probably wouldn't have told me if he wasn't concerned about me sensing something odd in his behavior or feeling otherwise so I don't want to go out all the way as he might not like that.
Should I just go and tell him that if he'd like to go have dinner/drinks sometime, I'll be glad to give him company? or something else? Help me hive mind.
Thanks!
Best answer: I was recently in your co-worker's shoes. Best thing is for the working environment to provide him with Wins: things that he can do that he can feel proud of. That plus recognition is more support than any amount of listening or beers you could do for him (since you're not his best friend or haven't been through the same thing yourself...assuming the latter here).
posted by kryptonik at 3:47 AM on October 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by kryptonik at 3:47 AM on October 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
I imagine he may be quite distracted and that might be impacting on his ability to get work done. Offer him a hand with his work and make sure he doesn't have horrible looming deadlines (not sure what sort of work you do and whether you can support him), but I think it would be useful to make sure that he doesn't feel like his work life is going to fall apart too.
posted by AnnaRat at 3:48 AM on October 13, 2010
posted by AnnaRat at 3:48 AM on October 13, 2010
Best answer: Another thought: be sure you don't convey pity to him. Right now he's already struggling with self esteem, so any hint of 'patronizing' or feeling sorry for him will make him feel worse.
What he's going through I wouldn't wish on anyone....and your compassion and consideration is a great gift, even if it's offered with silent support and a sensitivity to how he's doing day to day. Just be sure it doesn't teeter over into feeling sorry for him in a way that leaves him feeling weaker. If I were in his shoes, I'd want to be around people who (without words) conveyed to me a sense that they know I'll be okay. Confidence in me that conveys they believe I'm capable and can get through it.
Hope that helps.
posted by sleeping beauty at 6:52 AM on October 13, 2010
What he's going through I wouldn't wish on anyone....and your compassion and consideration is a great gift, even if it's offered with silent support and a sensitivity to how he's doing day to day. Just be sure it doesn't teeter over into feeling sorry for him in a way that leaves him feeling weaker. If I were in his shoes, I'd want to be around people who (without words) conveyed to me a sense that they know I'll be okay. Confidence in me that conveys they believe I'm capable and can get through it.
Hope that helps.
posted by sleeping beauty at 6:52 AM on October 13, 2010
Best answer: One thing to keep in mind is just to listen. I haven't been divorced, but I had a fiance who abandoned me (as in packed up his stuff while I was asleep) at a really difficult time. People kept trying to help by doing things (ie fixing me up on dates, dragging me out of the house for all manner of events) but no one wanted to just listen to me when I needed to vent. One of the horrible things about the situation is feeling alone and like no one understands. In trying to help, people often try to heap solutions on when the person just needs to talk, the would be venter feels like he/she being told to basically shut up and move on or make the would-be venter feel pressured to act "better" so as to reassure friends and colleagues. This just emphasizes that feeling of isolation. If he asks for advice, yes, of course, be supportive and helpful. However, keep in mind that just talking about the situation or sharing his frustration DOES NOT MEAN HE NECESSARILY WANTS YOU TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, he may just want to someone to listen and tell him he isn't alone.
Having said that, inviting him out or to join you in activities is a good idea, but as sleeping beauty indicates don't do it out of pity, but rather some genuine comrade-like affection. Just casually bring up perhaps getting drinks and watching a game somewhere or if you guys work late, ask him if he'd like to grab dinner. since he opened up to you and was vulnerable about divulging this information, if you do go out to dinner, be open with him. Don't try and "fix" him, just talk and share experiences.
posted by miss-lapin at 7:12 AM on October 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Having said that, inviting him out or to join you in activities is a good idea, but as sleeping beauty indicates don't do it out of pity, but rather some genuine comrade-like affection. Just casually bring up perhaps getting drinks and watching a game somewhere or if you guys work late, ask him if he'd like to grab dinner. since he opened up to you and was vulnerable about divulging this information, if you do go out to dinner, be open with him. Don't try and "fix" him, just talk and share experiences.
posted by miss-lapin at 7:12 AM on October 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: bbyboi: He generally likes to keep work/personal life separate
Then respect that. cut him some slack because of what he apparently needed to divulge for professional reasons and don't mistake that for a new expansion of your personal relationship.
Should I just go and tell him that if he'd like to go have dinner/drinks sometime, I'll be glad to give him company?
Yes. That's suitable and non-invasive and appropriate. If he ever takes you up on it, again assume this is a friendly dinner between colleagues and not a personal one, and keep the topic on work unless he opens up the topic of his divorce.
Private people are still, you know, private, even when they are getting divorced.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:34 AM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Then respect that. cut him some slack because of what he apparently needed to divulge for professional reasons and don't mistake that for a new expansion of your personal relationship.
Should I just go and tell him that if he'd like to go have dinner/drinks sometime, I'll be glad to give him company?
Yes. That's suitable and non-invasive and appropriate. If he ever takes you up on it, again assume this is a friendly dinner between colleagues and not a personal one, and keep the topic on work unless he opens up the topic of his divorce.
Private people are still, you know, private, even when they are getting divorced.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:34 AM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
All of the above are great suggestions.
My parents separated for a while, and my dad was just completely at a loss for things to do in the evenings -- times when he would have been physically near my mom, going out with her, calling to her from the next room, whatever. I tend to describe that kind of thing as being in someone's orbit. So when you're thinking about ways to get him out of the house, having the opportunity to simply be in the presence of other people will be good. This goes along with the "just listen" advice.
With my dad and others (including myself), it's always made me feel better about a tough situation when I know that the person will have a comfortable living space. This is especially true for the guys I've known, who tend to not care about their living spaces other than strict functionality (particularly when under stress). Well, it's especially important now! He might be in a tight spot financially, and he might be in a very temporary space, but he can probably afford a couple of items like new bedding. That, in particular, is a huge deal -- he's going to need to feel comfortable sleeping on his own in a place that doesn't have his wife's imprint on it. It can also help him pick his own style, which she may have dictated as well. And for his sake, I hope he doesn't just pick the first things he sees on Craigslist or in the back room of St. Vinnie's.
Helping him move or get rid of other difficult things will also be huge, especially since it's something that means a lot but doesn't necessarily imply that you're giving more than just your brute strength as support. I remember when a friend of mine spent most of a day lugging an elliptical machine out of his colleague's guest room and into a new second-floor condo. Good friends help you move; best friends help you move the bodies :D
posted by Madamina at 7:36 AM on October 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
My parents separated for a while, and my dad was just completely at a loss for things to do in the evenings -- times when he would have been physically near my mom, going out with her, calling to her from the next room, whatever. I tend to describe that kind of thing as being in someone's orbit. So when you're thinking about ways to get him out of the house, having the opportunity to simply be in the presence of other people will be good. This goes along with the "just listen" advice.
With my dad and others (including myself), it's always made me feel better about a tough situation when I know that the person will have a comfortable living space. This is especially true for the guys I've known, who tend to not care about their living spaces other than strict functionality (particularly when under stress). Well, it's especially important now! He might be in a tight spot financially, and he might be in a very temporary space, but he can probably afford a couple of items like new bedding. That, in particular, is a huge deal -- he's going to need to feel comfortable sleeping on his own in a place that doesn't have his wife's imprint on it. It can also help him pick his own style, which she may have dictated as well. And for his sake, I hope he doesn't just pick the first things he sees on Craigslist or in the back room of St. Vinnie's.
Helping him move or get rid of other difficult things will also be huge, especially since it's something that means a lot but doesn't necessarily imply that you're giving more than just your brute strength as support. I remember when a friend of mine spent most of a day lugging an elliptical machine out of his colleague's guest room and into a new second-floor condo. Good friends help you move; best friends help you move the bodies :D
posted by Madamina at 7:36 AM on October 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I have been in your co-worker's position.
If I were his boss I would suggest he take at least a few days off, but not more than a week. You might want to suggest that to his/your boss. Unless this split was expected he'll be in some sort of shock for a few days. I found that in the initial period I needed a total break, just to assimilate the mind-shattering impact of it, but then I found getting back to the daily routine sort of helpful. However, I was lucky enough to have a fairly mindless physical job at the time so it helped that I could tune out and let physical labour keep my mind off my mind, as it were. You may also consider suggesting to your boss that he ease up on the guy work-wise for a little while. Lay off the "aggressive deadline" nonsense; that sort of thing. It will be very, very hard for the guy to concentrate on work.
On a personal level, yes, respect his usual character regarding work/personal life separation but do offer non-effusive commiserations and let him know that should he ever feel like talking, or some company after work, you're there. Then leave it at that, but do be there for him if he takes you up on the offer. He might. I was like him in that I tended to keep work/personal separate but this sort of incident can be so debilitating that even if you don't actually take up such offers from friends, family and colleagues, it feels nice that they're made. And at times like this you take what you can get.
Finally, if he does want to talk, listen. Let him say what he needs to get off his chest and resist the urge to offer lots of advice. In fact, the only bit of advice I wish I'd been given during that awful time would have been not to do anything just yet. I remember my mind being permanently frantic and boiling over with hopes, fears, plans, what-ifs... there's a sort of emotional panic that sets in which can make ill-considered, impulsive actions seem not only like good ideas but a way of feeling like you're doing something, anything. This is not good, because you are not thinking at all well. This is also why a break is a good idea; time to take stock and just stop for a while until the pieces settle a little.
posted by Decani at 8:22 AM on October 13, 2010
If I were his boss I would suggest he take at least a few days off, but not more than a week. You might want to suggest that to his/your boss. Unless this split was expected he'll be in some sort of shock for a few days. I found that in the initial period I needed a total break, just to assimilate the mind-shattering impact of it, but then I found getting back to the daily routine sort of helpful. However, I was lucky enough to have a fairly mindless physical job at the time so it helped that I could tune out and let physical labour keep my mind off my mind, as it were. You may also consider suggesting to your boss that he ease up on the guy work-wise for a little while. Lay off the "aggressive deadline" nonsense; that sort of thing. It will be very, very hard for the guy to concentrate on work.
On a personal level, yes, respect his usual character regarding work/personal life separation but do offer non-effusive commiserations and let him know that should he ever feel like talking, or some company after work, you're there. Then leave it at that, but do be there for him if he takes you up on the offer. He might. I was like him in that I tended to keep work/personal separate but this sort of incident can be so debilitating that even if you don't actually take up such offers from friends, family and colleagues, it feels nice that they're made. And at times like this you take what you can get.
Finally, if he does want to talk, listen. Let him say what he needs to get off his chest and resist the urge to offer lots of advice. In fact, the only bit of advice I wish I'd been given during that awful time would have been not to do anything just yet. I remember my mind being permanently frantic and boiling over with hopes, fears, plans, what-ifs... there's a sort of emotional panic that sets in which can make ill-considered, impulsive actions seem not only like good ideas but a way of feeling like you're doing something, anything. This is not good, because you are not thinking at all well. This is also why a break is a good idea; time to take stock and just stop for a while until the pieces settle a little.
posted by Decani at 8:22 AM on October 13, 2010
Best answer: Should I just go and tell him that if he'd like to go have dinner/drinks sometime, I'll be glad to give him company?
Concur with what a lot of people are saying. One of the things that is so awful about divorce is that it takes a really long time and you're in an annoying limbo waiting for bad news at all times. So, having distractions is important because sometimes you just need to make the time go by. So, if he's a private person and feeling blue, he may not take you up on "hey if you want to hang out sometime" but he'd probably go for a drink or food if you were like "Hey I'm going to lunch/drinks, want to come along?"
So I'd try to be more affirmatively invitational, keep the commiseration/commentary to a minimum and give him some slack at work.
posted by jessamyn at 8:43 AM on October 13, 2010
Concur with what a lot of people are saying. One of the things that is so awful about divorce is that it takes a really long time and you're in an annoying limbo waiting for bad news at all times. So, having distractions is important because sometimes you just need to make the time go by. So, if he's a private person and feeling blue, he may not take you up on "hey if you want to hang out sometime" but he'd probably go for a drink or food if you were like "Hey I'm going to lunch/drinks, want to come along?"
So I'd try to be more affirmatively invitational, keep the commiseration/commentary to a minimum and give him some slack at work.
posted by jessamyn at 8:43 AM on October 13, 2010
Jessamyn, your comment reminds me that this is a different type of grieving, but one that has a lot in common with the process after someone has died.
You know how you're not supposed to say "If there's anything I can do..." to someone after their relative or friend had died? The same applies to someone who's grieving the loss of a relationship or way of life. Be specific and say, "Do you need some help with X?" or "We're going to do Y -- want to come?" instead of making open-ended statements that rely on the grieving (and highly discombobulated) person to make a decision or get around to contacting you.
Give him a few simple options to choose from, with the expectation of only a yes or no answer and the reassurance that saying no this time won't preclude him from being invited in the future.
Also, routine is great, so if you have a pub quiz night, company/friend softball/volleyball/indoor soccer team or something like that, where you can offer a standing invitation to show up at 7 at McSudsy's House of Booze [but watch the sorrow-drowning, please!], that's probably the best option. Just remind him every so often that the offer stands.
posted by Madamina at 9:29 AM on October 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
You know how you're not supposed to say "If there's anything I can do..." to someone after their relative or friend had died? The same applies to someone who's grieving the loss of a relationship or way of life. Be specific and say, "Do you need some help with X?" or "We're going to do Y -- want to come?" instead of making open-ended statements that rely on the grieving (and highly discombobulated) person to make a decision or get around to contacting you.
Give him a few simple options to choose from, with the expectation of only a yes or no answer and the reassurance that saying no this time won't preclude him from being invited in the future.
Also, routine is great, so if you have a pub quiz night, company/friend softball/volleyball/indoor soccer team or something like that, where you can offer a standing invitation to show up at 7 at McSudsy's House of Booze [but watch the sorrow-drowning, please!], that's probably the best option. Just remind him every so often that the offer stands.
posted by Madamina at 9:29 AM on October 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
What AnnaRat suggests was the single best thing my coworkers did when I was getting divorced. Complete time off would've been an emotional disaster -- I needed the distraction of work and could function normally during the workday most of the time. But in those moments when it would all overwhelm me, when I simply couldn't focus, or needed to go cry/take a walk/leave early, it was such a relief to know that others at work had my back.
posted by spinto at 1:08 PM on October 13, 2010
posted by spinto at 1:08 PM on October 13, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks everyone! I asked him casually about dinner/drinks and he said he could really use some company :)
posted by bbyboi at 6:31 PM on October 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by bbyboi at 6:31 PM on October 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Seriously, your instincts are dead on: don't be poky or intrusive, and it would be very nice of you to suggest dinner/drinks. Other than that, follow his lead. Just know that the divorce process can take a very long time and some days will be better for him than others.
posted by dzaz at 2:49 AM on October 13, 2010 [3 favorites]